Rated G
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the CSI characters, they belong to CBS et al. I was just enjoying them for a while. No infringement intended. I make no profit from this.
Synopsis: Sequel to "Evidence of a Ghost" -- Alexe reflects on her high school graduation as she leaves for college.
Note: This is for those of you who asked for more with Alexe and Grissom.
Who knows there might be more after this even. Edge, I hope this answers
your questions. By the way, the books referenced here are written by Douglas
Adams. Also, the syntax and grammar is intentional at the end. I wanted
to try to make it as close to ASL as possible.
Thanks to Dawn and Trap for their help.
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My hands were damp with sweat and my knees shook. Graduation was finally here and I was only minutes from giving my speech as valedictorian. I took a deep breath and tried to relax. I closed my eyes and thought about how I ended up here. Two years ago, I had been a depressed, desperate teen without hope. Then I met Grissom quite by accident. And here I was. I spent a few days in the hospital after my suicide attempt, then several weeks at the shelter trying to get straightened out again. When I did finally leave, I lived with my mom in subsidized housing, that Grissom had helped us get into. Two weeks ago, mom died in her sleep. Once again, Grissom was there for me. He reminded me that I didn't have to give the speech, people would understand. I had finished the academic portion of my classes and the school could make an exception for my absences due to bereavement. I wanted to keep going because I knew that what my mother would have wanted. Grissom simply said the choice was up to me.
"Alexe, are you ready?" Mrs. Chang, my English teacher smiled at me.
"Not really." My voice wavered. I hoped it wouldn't when it was time to speak.
Later, sitting on stage, wishing for a towel and trying not to wipe my clammy palms on my white gown, I gazed into the crowd. Somewhere in the darkened audience were Grissom and his team. I had no family, so I had given him the tickets. Knowing they were sitting out there in the shadowy auditorium made my stomach do flip-flops. Only three people had heard my speech. Mrs. Chang, Mr. Dowdy, the principal and Sara Sidle. I had to get Sara's opinion on how Grissom would react. Sara had become all choked up, said the speech was beautiful, and that Grissom would love it. I was about to find out.
"...our Valedictorian, Alexe Prescott." That was my cue and introduction from Mr. Dowdy.
I stepped up to the podium and began...
"Friends and family, classmates and peers, welcome. As our last few moments of high school tick away, I would like to take the opportunity to share a few thoughts with you. Most speeches of this order reflect on the past or give light to the future. That is not the intention of this speech. The title comes from a series of books that a dear friend gave to me, because he thought I could use a little humor in my life. He called them a diversion. He was right. He was right about a great many things. I want to take this opportunity to thank him for life, the universe and everything.
"As most of my fellow graduates are aware, I went through a very long, dark time in my life as an underclassman. I felt unloved and unwanted. I felt like a ghost in the land of the living. I didn't see what life could offer me, because I couldn't find value in life. I wanted to find a place where I fit in, and since I saw myself as a ghost, I thought I would find peace among the dead.
"The irony of life is that it's hard to let go. About six months before I almost succeeded, you walked into my life. You took time for me. I was fascinated by you. You were my idol. I couldn't stand the thought that I had to share your attention. I wasn't in love, only fixated on the idea that someone cared. That was an overwhelming concept for me at the time. I was sure that when you fulfilled the program obligations you would leave, just like all the others. I found out differently. Not only did you stop me from killing myself, but you kept believing in me long after the physical scars were gone. You gave me hope and that hope gave me life.
"During that time I saw the universe as a harrowing ride through the darkest, most depraved nightmares imaginable. I didn't know how to fight my fear, and that fear turned to anger. Anger at my father for dying, anger towards my mother for not being there, anger at my peers for their cruelties, real or imagined. I was also angry at myself for being afraid and being hurt. I turned the anger inward. I began to self-destruct. I found that hurting myself made me feel better. As I got older and the stress increased it became more frequent and increasingly harmful. I thought no one had noticed. I was wrong. You had noticed. But I had also started doing less cutting, as I spent more time with you. You seemed to understand how I felt. Instead of pity or revulsion, you treated me as a peer. You opened my world to new horizons. I started to think maybe there was something other than nightmares and demons in the world.
"Then the house of cards that was my universe collapsed. I was being abused and when I finally gained the courage to turn my molester in, he disappeared. He became a specter in every dark corner. My mother lost her job; we were destitute. Then we lost our apartment and my mother vanished. I decided that I needed to abandon the one stable influence on my life before you could leave me to face the terrors of the universe alone. But you refused to leave me. It was a rough road to get back to where I was allowed to return to school. You came to see me everyday and reminded me there was a universe of wonders, but I had to live to experience them.
"I tried so hard in those days to hide myself in books. Not because I wanted to learn, but simply to hide. I could give you the scientific classification of every spider between here and LA, but I couldn't tell you what a banana split tasted like. I spent my whole life in Vegas and could walk blindfolded through the county library, but I hadn't ever been to the outside the city limits. I thought by knowing everything, I could give my life importance.
"I was wrong. Knowledge is not about how much you know, but how you use what you know. Life is important because you live it. Ride roller coasters, solve crimes, study, learn, most importantly, live. Every night you saw death and every day you tried to find a way to live and forget the death that touched you. I'm sorry that I was often a greater source of pain than joy, but thanks for trying to teach me everything anyway.
"A great theologian once said, 'we can do nothing against the truth, only for it'. The truth is every life has value and meaning. It took me eighteen years to realize that applies to me; and I wouldn't have realized it without you. You always told me to concentrate on what cannot lie; the evidence. I stand before this assembly as evidence, no longer a ghost, but proof that your life matters. I owe you everything.
"As time draws short, let me leave all of you with this truth: when
you hitchhike across the galaxy, in search of the restaurant at the end
of the universe, remember that every being you meet has its place in life,
the universe, and everything. And don't panic. So long, and thanks for
all the fish."
Laughter echoed through the auditorium. Most people had no idea what the last few lines had meant, but that was okay. Most of them had gotten the message. They applauded graciously. I don't remember much of the remainder of the ceremony, because I was so relieved that my speech was over.
After it ended I raced back to the room where the girls had dressed and changed out of my robe as fast as I could. Parents and classmates congratulated me on the excellent speech, but I hardly heard any of the accolades. I only wanted to hear the reaction of one person. I grabbed my stuff and made my way through the crowds of people. More people stopped me to praise my words, I thanked them and made my way toward the door anxious to find Grissom. Just as I reached it, Mr. Dowdy and several faculty members stopped me.
"Miss Prescott, lovely job, but we were wondering who it was? The man in your speech."
"My mentor." I gave them my best impersonation of Grissom's enigmatic smile. "Excuse me, I need to talk to someone."
I slipped out the door. Just as I expected they stood at the bottom of the steps, waiting for me in the deepening shadows of the setting sun. I ran down the steps.
"I'm free!" I yelped.
"You did a wonderful job in there, spider girl." Nick grinned at me.
I rolled my eyes at him. "What did you think?"
The question was a general one but it was mostly directed at Grissom who stood in the background like a piece of the landscape. Arms folded, neutral expression, just watching. Impassive, stoic, classic Grissom.
"That was one amazing speech." said Warrick, giving me a hug. "You did great."
"Why didn't you warn me?" asked Catherine, her face wet with tears. "It was beautiful, Alexe, honey. We were all moved."
Catherine gave me a motherly hug.
Sara just grinned at me. "I'd say you got your point across." she said. She handed me a bouquet. "These are from all of us. We have some presents, but you'll get those later. I think you have other business tonight."
She glanced at Grissom. "See you tomorrow, boss."
Grissom nodded.
"Gotta go." sighed Nick. "Shift starts in a few hours."
"Aren't you coming to dinner with us?" I asked, suddenly concerned.
"Not tonight." answered Catherine. "Have fun."
Nick, Sara, Catherine and Warrick waved, then walked away. I stared at Grissom. He stood there waiting. I returned his phlegmatic gaze.
"What did Sara mean 'see you tomorrow, boss'?" I asked walking up to him.
"I work with her." answered Grissom, avoiding my question.
"I thought you had to work tonight."
Grissom shook his head. "I took the night off."
I looked at him suspiciously. Grissom never took off. The crime lab was his life. I had spent untold nights there watching him work in silence for hours. "Why?"
Grissom's arms lowered and he leaned against the tree behind him. "Sara came to me and said that I would regret it if I didn't. After hearing your speech,... she was right."
I studied Grissom. The whole graduation had made him uncomfortable. Even without knowing him well, I could see it. I had developed the ability to read people and more significantly get inside their heads. I slid my arm around his and urged him towards the parking lot and his vehicle.
"So what did you think of my speech?" I pressed.
"Very well written. You sounded good." he answered.
"I meant every word of it." I glanced down at the scars that ran up my arms. They were barely visible now, and I had stopped trying to hide them. I knew they were evidence of life, a life that Grissom had saved.
My stomach rumbled. Grissom gave me a faint, teasing smile. "Hungry?"
"Yes, but don't think that I'm satisfied with the answer you gave me." I glared at him in mock anger. "I'm not one of your investigators that you can sidetrack, by asking me about work."
Grissom rubbed the bridge of his nose. A sign that he was thinking about something too much. He'd probably end up with a migraine before too long.
"So what would you like?" There was no emotion in his voice. He was stonewalling me.
"A chili dog." I chirped, trying to get a response.
"A.. chili dog?" Now he sounded tired.
"Yes. But I know you'd rather eat 'real' food. Andre's?"
"Sure."
We didn't talk during the ride. The restaurant was packed, like most places in Vegas. We stood outside and waited for our table. Most people would be uncomfortable with the amount of silence that usually surrounded Grissom. I, however, was quite comfortable just being with him and not being pressed to talk. I had been a ghost for so long, having a conversation was still hard work. I was lost in my thoughts of the past, just as Grissom was lost in his. We were both surprised when our table was called.
"So are you ready to answer me?" I asked again after we had ordered.
Grissom sighed, when he spoke his voice was subdued and held an odd tone. "I don't know what to say, Alex."
I smiled at Grissom. "You know, you've always reminded me of Huck Finn."
Grissom looked at me nonplused. "Huck Finn? As in Tom Sawyer?"
"Yes." I couldn't stop the childish giggle. "Huck always struck me as a hero in spite of himself."
Grissom shifted in his chair. I could feel his discomfort. Too many people and I wasn't helping. He would have a migraine for sure.
[you okay] I signed.
Grissom nodded. He had taught me to sign, to help rebuild the dexterity and fine motor control in my arms. At least that was what he told me. I had picked it up quickly and I found that it was often easier to sign to Grissom than to try to get him to talk.
[you want go home] I asked.
Grissom shook his head.
[head hurt]
[no]
At least it was a response, I kept going. [what wrong]
[don't know what to say]
"Why?" I whispered.
"Because everything sounds trite." In that moment I saw something that
startled me; Grissom's eyes full of tears. He blinked them away as the
waitress put the food in front of us.
That was a couple of months ago. A few days later, I stopped by the lab during dinner and they had a cake and graduation gifts for me. Most of it practical stuff, what do you expect from scientists?
Tonight had started off as ordinary as one could have expected. Grissom had driven me to the airport. As usual we said very little to each other. We had a tacit language between us, the silence spoke volumes. Most of my stuff would be shipped out the following week, not that I had a great deal to begin with, but it was easier than wrestling three suitcases.
When my flight was called, I turned to bid farewell to Grissom. I knew I was shaking.
"Don't worry, I'll call you when I land and again when I'm settled." I said.
"Have a good trip." Grissom held out his hand.
Instead of shaking it, I hugged him tightly, trying not to cry. He was stiff, afraid to move.
"I couldn't have made it without you." I whispered, afraid that I couldn't stop the tears.
"I thought about what I wanted to say." Grissom whispered back. "Thanks."
After a long while I let go, turning for the plane.
"Here." Grissom held out a jacket. As I took it from him, I realized it was the same one he had wrapped around my shoulders at the hospital, when I had tried to slash my wrists.
"What's that for?"
Grissom smiled at me with his quirky half grin. "In case you get cold."