Written for Season 4 of the QLFC, Round 5.
Title: To the Max
Team: Wigtown Wanderers
Position: Chaser 2
Box: Hogsmeade
Box Prompt: Mod Head!Canon: Rosmerta and Kingsley are a thing, going way, way back.
Optional Prompts:
4. (style) Letter!fic
5. (restriction) No using a '?'
6. (word) Piano
Word Count: 1, 350
Beta(s): CrazyRopeDragon, DolbyDigital, MagicalButts, NeonDomino, Firefly81 (Thanks a bunch!)
A personal letter sent by Rosmerta, barmaid of the Three Broomsticks, to her mother:
Hi Mumbrella,
Wish you were here to keep the rain off. I swear, I was going to take your advice. I was going to walk right up to that handsome black boy with the earring and say something perfect, but then he said: "A tea, please." Before I could get a word out.
Mum! I wasn't even working. We weren't even in the pub; I saw him up the road in the tea shop. Dad was right, I'm a born waitress. Something about me has always screamed: STAFF TO THE MAX!
At least now I know for sure he hasn't noticed me at work. I thought it would be a relief to know he hadn't seen me bumbling every time he walked in, but I'm actually proper gutted. Not groovy, at all.
I got an estimate off of the Hogwarts' Groundskeeper for de-gnoming your garden. He said he'd do it for free if you can wait until June. Far out, right? And Mum, I'll ask you to stop spreading those rumours about him. The charges were dropped, and it all happened two hundred years ago! The poor man gets enough grief.
Let that be the end of it. Also, he asked to keep the gnomes. Odd bloke.
Tell the boys that they smell like old socks, and I miss them terribly.
Yours,
The Help.
P.S. Can you tell Helen that if she sends me the newest ABBA album she can keep my red platforms?
A brightly coloured announcement pinned by Rosmerta to the Hogsmeade Community Notice board, dated March 3rd, 1976:
To the lovely patrons of the Three Broomsticks,
It has come to my attention, as Hogsmeade's built-in all-seeing eye, that Muggle music has made a comeback in our little village.
Well, good news to the max music fans! I am proud to say that I am now the owner of my very own Muggle record player. I would like to invite you all to the pub's very first Muggle Music Appreciation night this Friday at 7pm! Far out!
There will be a little quiz, and I will play any records you bring along. We have also dusted off the old piano and removed the self-playing charm, so play us a song if you dare!
Stay funky,
Rosmerta x
A covert correspondence between Kingsley Shacklebolt and Alistair Moody, preserved on the back of a Muggle receipt for a Thin Lizzy record:
This girl is unbelievable, K.
If you like that sort of thing, X.
Please tell me you didn't sign X for security reasons. We're in Hogsmeade for Merlin's sake. Also, I didn't mean unbelievable in a good way, K.
Constant vigilance. She can see you passing notes around as well, so I wouldn't be too candid.
But Disco?! Really?, K.
Before you arrived she told us to 'feel the funk', completely without irony.
You're joking, K.
Sorry, forgot who I was talking to, K.
We're not talking.
As if we could get a word in edgeways. I don't think I can take much more BABA, K.
ABBA.
Not you too, K.
Number of times barmaid has said 'To the max':
IIIII III
A personal letter sent by Rosmerta to her mother:
Oh Mum,
I am mortification on legs. My face is like a visual thesaurus entry for the colour red. I. AM. SUCH. A. KNOB. TO. THE. MAX.
He ruined it! He ruined the whole bloody thing. Bloody Kingsley Shacklebolt, him and his ruddy, famous friend from the Ministry.
They just sat there sniggering and passing poxy, bloody notes back and forth like bold children. He seemed so nice from far away; last night was so embarrassing. You should be embarrassed for raising me. Tell everyone at home to be embarrassed for knowing me. Lesson learned: if you want an excuse to talk to a boy, don't create an event and then make a total tit of yourself when he actually shows up.
I went on and on about disco for an age, like a bloody moron! I was so excited that I just played every Earth, Wind & Fire record I had and went on and on about Eurovision. If I'd only listened to theirs first, I would've known; rock, Mum, he listens to rock. That's a code-word for: totally anti-disco. This is the unfunkiest thing to ever happen in the history of music!
Bloody rock! So-named for the rocks in that boy's head!
Long story short, we had a huge argument. Everyone just watched and then left when it was over. It was ruined.
Yours,
Queen Bellend.
An announcement pinned by Kingsley to the Hogsmeade Community Notice board, dated March 10th, 1976:
Calling all fans of Muggle music (which is actually good),
I've rented the room above the Hogshead for a Speakeasy-themed soirée that will be open to the public. There will be drinks, dancing, and most importantly, music written by Muggle musicians who actually know how to play their instruments. Join us this Friday at 7pm.
Rock on!
Kingsley (with the earring)
A second brightly coloured announcement pinned (over Kingsley's) by Rosmerta to the Hogsmeade Community Noticeboard, dated March 11th, 1976:
For anyone whose head isn't shoved so far up their own arse they've almost lost an earring:
The Three Broomsticks' second Muggle Music Appreciation night will go ahead as planned this Friday at 7pm! Whether you fancy sequins, flares, and platform shoes or leather jackets and tattoos, this is the night for you! There's room for a bit of everything!
I hope to see you there,
Rosmerta.
A short note delivered to Rosmerta by an upset, young witch dressed in an Agnetha Fältskog jumpsuit (the pink one with the cut-out heart):
This one's all yours.
An extract from a personal letter sent by Rosmerta to her mother:
He's an utter bastard! I should never have gone over there. I started crying in front of him. I need a life-transplant.
A short note discovered by Rosmerta on a bar napkin while closing for the night:
I'm really sorry. K.S.
A brightly coloured announcement pinned by Kingsley to the Hogsmeade Community Notice board, dated August 18th, 1976:
Talent Search!
If you can sing, dance, or play a tune, you are invited to The Three Broomsticks this Friday night for a one-off event.
We are searching for Muggle music royalty to win this (soon to be legendary) Talent Show!
Open Mic
Entry fee: 3 sickles
Prize: A laurel wreath and eternal glory
Applicants must be of-age to enter. Sign below:
Name(s): Aberforth Dumbledore
Act: Bagpipe solo
Name(s): Padma Puddifoot
Act: Singing "Feelings" by Morris Albert
Name(s): Horace Slughorn
Act: Performing "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon
Name(s): James Potter and Sirius Black
Act: Singing "Dammit Janet" by -that sexy beast of all beasts- Breadloaf
Name(s): [illegible inkblot, was possibly once an 'R']
Act: Accidentally eating everyone
Name(s): Peter Pettigrew
Act: Human shield
Name(s): Frank and Alice L.
Act: Dancing to Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
Name(s): Enid L.
Act: Singing the theme from the Muggle film 'Psycho', for 5 full minutes.
Name(s): Fabian and Gideon Prewett
Act: Hornpipe jig with supporting fiddle.
Name(s): Arthur Weasley
Act: Performing "I Wanna Be Like You" on a homemade theremin.
Name(s): Rosmerta and Kingsley
Act: World-class dance routine
Name(s): Xenophilius Lovegood
Act: I will be completing a chess game with myself, I started this particular game in January, but I'm confident that I'm nearing the end.
A brightly coloured announcement surrounded by every resident of Hogsmeade village, dated February 11th, 1986:
Valentine's Day Festival Finale:
The Dancing Queen and Kingsley take to the stage once more in a dazzling throwback to their unforgettable 1976 triumph!
This Friday night when the lights are low, join us in the Three Broomsticks as we turn back the clock.
Drinks are half-price to any witch or wizard who can dig out their old commemorative Shacklebolt-earring.
Rock on and boogie down Hogsmeade! To the max!