Yoda was a bad baby, he had a fucked-up sense of right and wrong, but that's what you have when you are a Jedi. Did I ever tell you how nightmarish are the souls of the Jedi? They are true horrors. Yoda was the oldest Jedi available, virtually a mummy. A yoda is basically a type of super-fucked-up elf, there are all different colors of yodas. I believe I've addressed this before in earlier fanfictions, but I don't remember. Yoda was a green yoda. These yodas are trained as Jedis and are usually named "Yoda".
So this was the Battle of Silly Forest, you've heard about this battle it was one of the worst. Almost everybody died, which was like six trillion people. The battle lasted for twenty years, it was basically a Star War in its own right, but actually it was just one battle of a Star War. Which one? The sixth Star War, where Emperor Pulpy and the Rebbles fought together against the Whippy Pirates. Boy, that was a tough Star War. Sixty trillion Imperial and Rebble soldiers in a Star War against fifty or so Whippy Pirates, and the Star War lasted one hundred years! How, well it was due to the very powerful lasers the Whippy Pirates used. They had the most powerful laser you could find, it bam-broiled 80 million humans per second. The Coalition forces, meanwhile, did not have lasers like that!
Yoda was inspecting the troops
Yoda - You, cannon fodder! Why still living are you?
Sliddy Gus - Oh, Lord Yoda! This battle is very hard. Most of my friends from boot camp are already wasted!
Yoda - That for you is a Star War! Tough business! In good order, your blaster appears
Sliddy Gus -Yes, m'lord! I keep it in tip-top shape. See, I hail from Nugget City, the "Tip-Top City!" We call it that because it's at the top of a mountain on the planet Sweet Sopper.
Yoda - Destroyed by lasers, the planet Sweet Sopper has been! Your family, and the life you knew before this Star War, all but obliterated is!
Sliddy Gus - Why, God?
Yoda - Coming over the hill Whippy Pirates are! Take your blaster, and your vengeance go get!
Sliddy Gus - Yarg, eat crisp, you Whippies!
So Sliddy charges out of the trench and starts firing his blaster pell-mell. He is immediately vaporized by the Whippy Pirates' hot laser. Well, he died feeling like a hero, at least.
Dark Vader - Yoda, why you tell that slimeball his planet was destroyed? Sweet Sopper is fine, Whippy Pirates would never blow that world up, that's where the Candy Bar Hall of Fame is, my favorite exhibit is the one about the Clark Bar, you really take a lot of information away from that one, shit you wouldn't know just from a Wikipedia article
Yoda - I dunno, wanted to see this Whippy Pirate laser in action I did.
Dark Vader - Was it everything you expected?
Yoda - Yeah, that's one hot fucking laser!
God bless Sliddy Gus and his planet Sweet Sopper. Such classic Star Wars classics.
THE END