A/N. Typing this from a laptop that doesn't have word... my new laptop died and I am working from my old one... this story is frankly quite depressing for me to write… but I need to write it…
well, on to the story, warning, this may be triggering for some... the situation is pretty... nasty in this fic. no rape, or violence, but there is possibly mental abuse.
Rin's POV
I woke up to Kuro scratching at the dorm room door, asking to be let out.
"Sorry buddy, forgot to leave it open for you." I yawn, stretching.
"Rin, we have a call for an exorcism, I am calling the other Exwires in and we will be using it as a training exercise." Yukio remarks, brushing by me.
"Good morning to you too." I mutter.
"What was that?" Yukio snaps, stopping in his tracks.
"nothing. just thought we could start the morning with 'good morning' for once." I reply, holding my hands up in a defensive manner.
"Are you mocking me right now?" Yukio gets scary calm.
"No, no, no I am not." I try to look busy getting ready, like I am not afraid of my younger twin at the moment.
"Hmmm." he hums, leaving. I sigh with relief knowing he's gone.
*Time skip*
"So, for this mission we are to exorcise a pack of Cŵn Annwn, or hellhounds, for certain individuals" Yukio jabbed while lecturing.
"So does everyone know how to deal with a hellhound?" Yukio asked.
"Well, there are many ways to deal with them, but killing them is incredibly difficult. you would need holy flames to destroy them, but to stop them for the foreseeable future entombing them in earth or in ice works." Suguro replies.
"Very good. Now, Suguro, you are suited to this task because Ucchusma's fire is strong enough to exorcise the hellhounds."
"What about mine?" I ask.
Yukio gives me a look.
"Miwa, do you have the hellhound's death verse memorized?" Yukio asks.
"Yes." Konekomaru answers looking awkwardly at me.
"Yukio, would my fire work?" I ask again.
"Miss Kamiki, do your fox familiars have any fire abilities or ice abilities or earth abilities?" Yukio asks.
"My familiars can create sacred alcohol that can in turn be lit, to be used as holy fire." she replies.
"YUKIO. WOULD. MY. FIRE. WORK." I ask, enunciating my words.
I receive a glare in return.
"Miss Moriyama, do you think you can handle healing if necessary?" Yukio asks.
"Yuki... Rin has been trying to ask you a question..." Shiemi replies awkwardly shifting from foot to foot.
"What?" Yukio snaps, facing me.
"I... was wondering if my fire would work? on the hellhounds?" I ask, suddenly not sure of my question.
"I would have thought the answer would have been obvious." he replied, turning away.
"So would it work, though?" I ask.
He doesn't answer me.
*Time Skip* *on the train*
"...So if Okumura acts as bait, this gives miss Kamiki and her familiars time to summon sacred sake and light it, creating a makeshift holy fire."
Every time Yukio referred to me as "Okumura" I felt like dying a little more. am I just another student to him? Am I not his brother anymore?
Shiemi raises her hand.
"Yuki, wouldn't Rin's flames work, and be faster?" She asked.
"No. his flames are evil flames, so they won't work. the flames have to be holy in order to eliminate the Cŵn Annwn." I felt another stab. am I really evil in his eyes?
No one said anything.
*at the site*
"Kamiki, do you have the sake ready?!" Suguro called, dodging an attack from the hellhound. The dog was easily the size of a small bear, it's fur as black as midnight. Its eyes were glowing red, bleeding gums and oozing sores that exuded the stench of sulfur. As I was leading two from Shiemi, I noticed one heading towards Kamiki.
"Izumo! Watch out!" I shouted, briefly losing control of my flames and sending a wave across the clearing, bypassing my friends, but engulfing the hounds. The flames burnt the hounds, searing their flesh and making the sulfuric scent stronger. They seemed to have a resistance to my fire.
"Master isn't happy. Master sends flames. master wants doggies to not touch humans?" their demonic voices whimpered.
"LEAVE THEM ALONE YOU DUMB DOGS. GO HOME. BAD DOGS." I shout, another burst of flames lighting the field, as I point away from any civilization. Surprisingly enough they did leave.
"Yes master. sorry master. going home to big master now." one attempted to approach me, possibly to lick me. I flare up again in warning, and the hound scurries back to the pack.
"OKUMURA. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?! I GAVE YOU INSTRUCTIONS TO ACT ONLY AS BAIT. I DID NOT SAY TO USE YOUR FLAMES." Yukio roared, getting in my face.
"Why do you only call me Okumura in class? Everyone knows we are related!" I yell back.
"STOP CHANGING THE TOPIC. YOU WERE TOLD NOT TO USE YOUR FLAMES, THAT THEY ARE INEFFECTIVE, BUT YOU USED THEM ANYWAY!" He punctuated his words with sharp pokes to my chest as he screamed in my face.
"I WAS TRYING TO SAVE IZUMO!" I roar back, flames flaring despite my sword being sheathed. the others shift nervously behind us.
"We will continue this discussion later." Yukio whispers harshly.
*On the train home*
"Rin... are you and Yuki okay? That was a really bad argument..." Shiemi asks, fidgeting nervously in her seat.
"Yeah, everything's fine!" I lie, smiling disarmingly at her.
"No, it isn't... why are you trying to lie? Please, if you are really my friend, then please talk to me... are you really okay?" She asks again, staring me dead in the eye.
"...no. we aren't. ...He has been distant. for years we were super close. around middle school the differences became too great between us... I mean, Yukio is super smart, and I was never really good at classroom stuff... I never told anyone, but I had some bullies too." I whisper.
"Really? You?!" Shiemi looked surprised.
"Yeah... around middle school I was a bit better about controlling my temper and not hitting people, since the old man kept getting on me about getting suspended for fighting... so I just ignored it mainly. but it kinda hurt, you know? when I went to class, I would not do as well, and sometimes the teachers would remark something like 'wow, you and your brother aren't much alike, are you?' offhandedly, or if I did particularly bad 'why couldn't you try as hard as Yukio? maybe study with him?' not realizing I was trying my best. I started to not go to school, so my grades started suffering more. other students would see my test scores and say things like 'wow, Yukio got the brains, didn't he?' and laugh. I couldn't bring myself to tell Father Fujimoto, since Yukio's bullying problem was worse... his homework would get stolen and stuff... or he'd get beaten up. that's worse, isn't it?" I ask, looking at her.
"No, Rin, all bullying is bad." She replied, tears in her eyes.
"Why are you crying?" I ask
"Because you never did."
"Okumura, are you making miss Moriyama cry?" Yukio asks from across the car.
"No, Yuki, he was just telling me a story, and I found it sad!" Shiemi replied, trying to smile.
Yukio shot me another look.
"Rin, if you need to talk, don't hesitate to talk to me." She whispered, getting up.
*time skip, back at the dorms*
"So Rin. I told you not to use your flames, but you did anyway." Yukio states, closing the door.
"I told you, the hound was behind Izumo and the others wouldn't have been able to get there in time, so I acted on instinct..." I reply, ducking a bit.
"You are not allowed to use your flames without permission!" Yukio's voice started rising.
"But Yukio, it was the only thing I could think of, and it worked a bit..." I move back a bit.
"You don't listen. I gave you instructions, and you did the opposite. you could have hurt the others with your flames!" Yukio advances further, his fists clenched.
"But I didn't! I have been working really hard! I haven't burned anything but my targets for two weeks now! ask Shura!" My heart is beating faster and I am starting to feel short of breath.
"YOU NEVER THINK YOU JUST ACT AND PUT EVERYONE IN DANGER. WHO'S JOB IS ON THE LINE HERE? MINE. IF I CAN'T KEEP YOU IN LINE, I LOSE MY JOB." Yukio roars, slamming a fist against the wall.
"Is this all just a job for you? Am I just one of your students to you?" I ask quietly, face downturned.
"HAVING TO LIVE WITH YOU IS A FULL TIME JOB. YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP. YOU CAN'T HOLD A JOB. YOU DON'T STUDY. YOU DON'T LISTEN. YOU DON'T ACT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING. YOU WAVE YOUR TAIL AROUND LIKE IT IS NORMAL TO HAVE ONE." Yukio is punching the wall repeatedly now, red in the face.
"Yukio, please back off." I plead, trying to duck out of the corner I have backed into.
"NO. YOU DON'T GET A SAY. IT'S ALWAYS YOU. ALL ABOUT YOU. KEEP RIN SAFE. DON'T TELL RIN. HELP RIN GET GOOD GRADES. MAKE SURE RIN DOESN'T FLARE UP." Yukio pounds the wall next to my head each time he makes a statement.
by now, I am not in full control anymore, and tears are running down my face as I crouch against the wall.
"Am I a regret to you? Am I just some lump of flesh that shared a womb with you? AM I A MISTAKE TO YOU?!" I scream, flames flare around me as tears evaporate from my face.
"Do I mean so little to you that I don't warrant my first name anymore? do you wish that I had been killed at birth? Was all the fun we had as kids a lie? Do you really hate me? Why can't we be like we used to be?" I am sobbing, but my tears evaporate before they leave my eyes.
"Things can't be like before. you are no longer human!" Yukio shouts, throwing his hands in the air.
"But I am still the same person!" I scream, yanking at my hair, trying to find someplace to hide.
"NO YOU ARE NOT." Yukio roars. "YOU HAVE CHANGED."
"NO YUKIO, YOU HAVE CHANGED. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BROTHER THAT WOULD PATCH ME UP AFTER A FIGHT, WHO CAME TO ME FOR PROTECTION, WHO COMPLIMENTED MY COOKING AND ASKED FOR SECONDS? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BROTHER WHO TRUSTED ME AND TOLD ME SECRETS?" I finally push past him and dash out of the room towards the kitchen.
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING." Yukio roars, tearing after me.
"AWAY FROM YOU." I slam the kitchen door.
"I can't live like this anymore Yukio." I lean against the door, trying to reign in the panic attack that is now in full swing. I try to slow my breathing, which has reached hyperventilation levels.
"I can't live with being an outcast in my own family. I can't live with being called 'Okumura' by everyone. I want to be just 'Rin' again. I can't live with knowing I caused dad to get possessed. I can't live with knowing you hate me. I can't live with knowing I am not human, that dad lied every time he said I wasn't a demon child. I can't live with knowing that my friends are afraid of me. I can't live with knowing you aren't proud of your big brother. I can't live with knowing that I am going to be treated like an animal for the rest of my life. I just can't anymore. I can't do it. I can't live like this." I am the corner sobbing by this point, my words broken by sobs and harsh, ineffective breaths. I am rocking and hugging myself. I can't remember the last time I received a hug. was it from Father? who has touched me in a non-threatening or attention getting way in the past months?
"Yukio, am I repulsive to you? Am I... am I no longer your brother?" I whisper to the door.
"...Rin. come out please." Yukio requests.
"Are you going to hurt me?" I ask, trying to stop the sobs.
"Rin, just come out please." his voice breaks.
"Rin, I don't hate you. you just... made me angry. I got angry and lost my temper. Stress from work coupled with you not listening made me explode." Yukio tried coaxing.
"So you took it all out on me because I was convenient and I am your brother so I have to take it? is that it?" The sobs are coming faster again, as well as the breathing.
"Rin, please calm down." Yukio pleads.
"So now I am 'Rin' to you? make up your mind. am I to be Rin all the time or Okumura?" I snap, each word is broken by an ineffective gasp.
"Rin, please come out. I'm sorry I made you feel this way. We have to go to school. please come out." Yukio pleads.
I don't want to go out, but if I want to pass my exorcism exam, and in return, earn the chance to survive, I have to go to school and at least pass my classes...
I open the door and try to speed past my brother, but he catches me across the chest with an arm and pulls me into a hug.
"I'm sorry I made you feel like I hate you. I just can't let myself be so attached, what if they were to kill you? I don't know how I would react." he says, holding me tight. I don't feel reassured by his words, but I am relishing the hug. who knows when the next time I will get a hug will be?
I try to destroy the evidence that I had been crying, but red eyes are hard to hide. I kept my head down all through class, and was more distant than usual.
"Okumura, see me after class." one of my regular school teachers said, after I didn't answer when asked a question.
*after class*
"So Okumura. I know you aren't very interested in my class, and you are distant on a good day. today you were like a zombie going through the motions of life. is everything okay?" he asked. I felt kinda bad I never really paid attention enough to learn his name.
"Yes, sir. I just had a rough weekend and a bad morning." I replied, trying to avoid eye contact.
"Would the bad morning have something to do with your red eyes?" he asked.
"What?" I feigned ignorance.
"You have been crying, have you not? Do you want to talk about it? I can give you the card for the school counselor." He replies, reaching for his wallet.
"No, it's fine. just a stupid argument that got out of hand." Something sparked in his eyes. was it worry? or was it pity.
"Here. take the card. you don't have to use it if you don't want to." He hands me a card with a name and number on it.
"Thanks, sir." I reply, taken aback.
"I know you and your brother are nothing alike. I also know that teachers have been talking about you two. I know what it is like to live in the shadow of a sibling, it really messes with your mind." He places his hand on my shoulder. "Mr. Okumura, just because you have different skills and weaknesses to your brother doesn't mean you aren't as important as your brother. you have your own skills. I hear you are an amazing cook. don't listen to others. just remember that you do have friends. Miss Moriyama keeps talking about you to anyone who will listen, about how she thinks you are such a great cook. Mr. Suguro seems to think of you as a friend. yeah, he's usually complaining, but it is the kind of complaining that you do about a friend who is perpetually late but is the life of the party. You aren't alone, so if you ever feel like you need to talk, you can call me, or one of your friends. I am sure they will want you to talk to them if you need to." Shiemi's words echoed in my mind ' Rin, if you need to talk, don't hesitate to talk to me.'
"Yeah, I'll do that." I replied, shouldering my bag.
"Don't be late to your next class!" he calls after me.
At lunch, Yukio pretends as if this morning never happened, smiling and talking as if he hadn't screamed at me. the only sign he had that anything happened was the bruises across his knuckles. No matter how hard I tried, I just felt sick sitting next to him trying to have a conversation.
"Yukio, I think I am going to sit alone today." I say, standing up with my bento.
"oh, okay." Yukio seems surprised.
I find a tree in the courtyard and sit under it. I see others sitting with their friends and wonder if I will ever truly fit in anywhere.
A.N. This fic… I am sorry if there are any errors, and if it was triggering. I actually can't go back and read it, because it really hurts to… if there are any errors you notice, please message me, and I will fix it.