Author's Note:

I must thank Man Without a Body for inspiring me to write this horrid piece of writing. I was really bored one night and decided to write my own, horrible story. So I did this for a laugh, anyone who hates it or wants to dis my writing, this was done terribly on purpose! hence the title! Anyway, please enjoy!

Warning: Terrible.

Oh, Dedicated To Rosie K, my BFFEAB

Chapter One

"Oh My Giddy God! Edwod is so amazing!" Bella said.

"I don't care, just keep your ugly bitch-face hands off my fuckbud Mike!" Jessica replied and stormed off.

Bella hardly noticed and walked into her Onion class, still blabbering on about Edwod.

"He's so pale and fast and hot but cold and his BO smells like honey and his eyes change colour and he gets really moody when he's hungry and he likes to sniff my blood and he insists I use tampons because he doesn't like blood and he's just soooo amazing! Oh, and he uses more hair products than me AND he's hard ALL THE TIME! Isn't that just so talented?"

As Bella walked into the class, everyone had stopped talking and was staring at her with puzzled looks. What frigid assholes! Can't a girl just admire her hotty bf without being judged?

The teacher started lecturing but Bella was too busy looking at Edwod.

"Hey baby! How are you? Do you feel like sucking me dry? Is the fan in your way? I could move it for you!" Bella asked, obsessively.

"Marrrrrr….." Edwod's face was slack as he moaned and gargled with his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. Saliva was dripping onto his $1000 designer shirt.

"Let me get that for you!" Bella said, poking his tongue back into his mouth, then kissing it. She came away with drool all over her.

"Oh my God! You are such an amazing kisser Edwod! We should have sex!" Bella said aloud.

"Marr…." Edwod rolled his head towards her and gave her a silly grin.

"I know, I know! I'm too delicate and you want us to wait until we are married because you're an old-fashioned, conservative vampire but you're just so amazing!"

The bell rang, cutting off Edward's same, boring, monotone reply.

Chapter Two

Bella walked over to her orange, beat up piece of junk, ready to get home so she could call Alice and tell her how amazing Edwod was and then make-out with him until she had to go to bed.

All of a sudden, a llama stepped out from behind her car, wearing jeans and a white shirt. Bella squealed and ran towards him.

"JACOB! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"I came to see how you were doing. Carl and Paul were fighting again, I think Carl killed somebody, so I thought I'd drop by. Is Edwod here?" Said Jacob the llama.

"No, he left early. Something about needing to eat." Bella said.

Jacob gasped and his fur stood on end. "He's not good for you, Bella. He's too retarded. You deserve better." He stepped back and tore off his shirt with his teeth. "Someone with fur and hooves, someone who actually cares for you, someone like me."

"Look Jacob, I have to go." Bella said.

"Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you." Jacob spat on her, then galloped away.

She got in the car and drove away.

Chapter Three

On the way home, Bella was listening to her favourite song, 'Hot and Cold' by Katy Perry.

She got so into it that she closed her eyes and waved her arms about. Seconds later she was jolted forward and the sound of grinding metal struck her ears and Katy Perry's voice went silent.

When she opened her eyes, a stunningly hot celebrity was standing in front of the car. She jumped out of her now destroyed car and ran over to him.

"Oh my God! Are you Xavier Samuel? That Australian actor?"

"Yes," he said in a deep sexy voice. "Come closer."

She did.

"Yes, that's it." As she stepped closer, he put a hand on either side of her face and leaned in.

She got excited. A kiss from a real live celebrity! She tried to hold him closer but he kept her at an arm's length. "Please kiss me!" She whispered.

He laughed and tightened his grip on her face.

"Please don't hurt me. I don't want to get bruises on my face or my vampire boyfriend Edwod is going to get angry and bash my best llama friend Jacob up and then I'll have to confess that I kissed someone else and he'll dump me but then I'll get depressed and try and kill myself and then he'll try and kill himself and I really don't want that to happen because he is just so-"

"Oh my God! Just shut up!" Xavier gripped her face tighter and in one swift move, cracked her neck and she crumpled to the ground.

He dusted his hands and quickly fished his anti-bacterial sanitizer out of his pocket and applied it to all exposed skin with a look of disgust. Then he turned around and walked away.

Epilogue

"Mar, de Marmar, eh popmi kogree ah poo marbar." Edwod said.

"I told her you won't worth it, you selfish bastard!" The llama screamed and spat in Edwod's face."

"Marrrr!" Edwod replied, his tongue lolling out of his mouth as usual.

"Blood sucker! You deserve to die! I'm going to kill you now!" Yelled Jacob, enraged.

"Marrrrrrrrrr!" Edwod screamed. The sound was blood curdling.

The llama cantered forward, towards Edwod. Edwod turned and ran, screaming "Marrrrrrrrrrr!"

"Bastard!"

"Marrrrrrrrrrr!"

They ran and ran, a llama chasing a retard all because of one boy-obsessed bimbo, until they ran into Jane.

"Dakota Fanning," she said, and killed them both.

THE END

A/N

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