That's Hospitality – A Trinity Blood Humor Fanfiction.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Trinity Blood characters or the songs mentioned in this story. With the exception of my original character, they are the properties of their respective creators and artists.
Rated K+ (PG) for mild crude and suggestive humor.
Introduction: In this lighthearted tale, I entreat you, dear reader, to suspend your inevitable disbelief and enjoy this surreal romp with the hapless members of the Rozenkreuz Orden. As in all of my stories, Isaak is of Chinese descent.
High above the dark outskirts of the sprawling metropolis, a group of AX spy planes circled in formation. Far below lay the smoldering ruins of the seemingly inconspicuous building that the aircraft had pelted with bombs minutes earlier.
In the cockpit of the lead plane the radio crackled to life. "Squadron Leader, report, was the mission a success? Did you succeed in destroying the RCO's secret base?"
The squadron leader shook his head. "Negative. Although the building itself was obliterated, it appears the occupants managed to escape before their base was completely destroyed." With a growl of frustration, the pilot alerted his comrades over the radio. "Spread out and search for the fugitives in the surrounding area. Our target couldn't have covered much ground!" At his command, the surrounding planes broke formation and skimmed away across the cloud flecked night sky.
Meanwhile, far below on the ground, a dark, hulking, and slightly singed armored steel tank trundled determinedly along through the desolate outskirts of the city. Despite the clanking and clattering of the vehicle's machinery, the incessant sounds of heated banter issuing from within refused to be drowned out by the noise. Inside the armored tank rode the irascible members of the Rozenkreuz Orden. The cramped passenger compartment of the tank was made even more uncomfortable by the luggage and haphazard piles of equipment hastily rescued before the destruction of their base.
Leaning menacingly over a suitcase held together with tape, Dietrich glared at Radu. "Do you have ANY kind of explanation for you actions!?"
The dusky skinned vampire returned the marionettespieller's glare. "Hey, our base was in flames! You know, in an emergency there are priorities."
Dietrich turned his eyes heavenward in exasperation. "So, you mean to inform Cain that the plans for the ultimate top secret super weapon Isaak and I spent years developing were lost when the headquarters were bombed, but your collection of Arabic pop music CDs are safe and sound!?" he snarled.
Incensed by this remark, Radu brandished a handful of garishly colored CDs. "Excuse me, but this is the only copy of Rachid Taha's classic album to survive the Armageddon war!" stated the vampire indignantly.
Flicking his wrists, Dietrich began materializing his strings in Radu's direction. "If I have to listen to "Rock el Casbah" one more time, I swear I'm going to-"
Suddenly, Cain emerged from beneath a stack of spare uniforms and shot a withering look at his argumentative subordinates before shouting in the direction of the tank's control room. "Hey Isaak!"
"Yes, mein Herr?" came the response.
"Are we there yet!?" yelled the impatient Crusnik, "I'm getting hungry, and these two are making total nuisances of themselves!" Upon hearing this, Radu muttered a nervous apology containing the phrase "he started it" and pointed at Dietrich.
Surrounded by the complex control panels in the driver's seat of the tank, Isaak was increasingly irritated by the distractions from his task of piloting the armored vehicle.
Once again, Cain's frivolous complaints issued from the back of the tank. "Hey Isaak! Dietrich's opened a bag of chocolates and he won't give me any!"
Isaak sighed, "Mein Herr, I do apologize, but I'm engaged in driving as far away as possible before the spy planes locate us!" he shouted. Muttering darkly to himself, the harassed vampire clenched a cigarette between his teeth and gripped the steering wheel with grim determination. Suddenly, a flashing light and a piercing beep forced Isaak to turn his attention to the control panel.
"Hey Isaak! Now Dietrich's kicking the seat! Tell him to cut it out!" yelled Cain, but Isaak was too shocked to respond. The light indicated that the tank had nearly depleted its fuel. Unless a source of fuel was found quickly, the tank and its occupants would literally be sitting ducks for the AX spy planes patrolling in the sky above.
Just as Isaak realized how dire the situation had become, Dietrich appeared in the seat beside him. "Ugh, that blonde ditz was driving me to distraction back there," Dietrich said, "Huh, that light means we're almost out of fuel, right?"
Isaak glanced at his protégé. "Indeed, and since this tank was designed to run on some kind of experimental eco-friendly fuel, stopping at a gas station would be impractical as well as ineffective." As the fuel indicator edged towards empty, Isaak's mind raced frantically. If they could find a place to conceal the tank, they could either search for fuel or make their escape on foot if necessary. Suddenly, a brilliant idea flashed into his mind. The map indicated there was a trailer park near their current location, which would serve as the perfect cover for a large vehicle. From the view of the circling spy planes, the tank would be completely inconspicuous. Mentally congratulating himself, Isaak maneuvered the lumbering steel beast into the trailer park.
Between the shadows cast by the haphazardly parked mobile homes, a pair of dark figures slunk furtively. Carefully avoiding the pools of light cast by the windows of the trailers and their porch lamps, Isaak and Dietrich paused to discuss their mission.
"Heh, it's probably a good thing that Cain decided to stay behind with Radu to guard the tank," whispered Dietrich, "After all, mein Herr was getting in a thoroughly foul mood due to hunger. It's only fair that Radu has to baby-sit him once in a while."
With eyes that pierced the nocturnal darkness, Isaak surveyed the shabby yet eccentrically decorated trailers as well as the numerous decrepit fridges and mutilated sofas that lurked on their porches. A wistful feeling of nostalgia filled him as the vampire recalled the trailer park on the banks of the Yangtze from whence he himself had come. Lighting a cigarette, Isaak began humming "The Moon Over Guan-Shan" as tears nearly pricked his eyes. Then, the mage admonished himself over his sentimentality. Despite searching for nearly an hour, they still had not discovered any sources of fuel that would be suitable for the armored vehicle.
Suddenly, an unfamiliar and raucous female voice wrenched Isaak from his thoughts. "Well haaai thar! Y'all lookin' fur sumthin'?" The shocked pair spun around to behold the speaker. Clad in a skintight fuchsia pink t-shirt, a ragged denim mini skirt, and leopard print leggings, a plump young woman with bleached blonde hair piled atop her head greeted them with a jovial smile.
Dietrich would have summoned his strings to eliminate this annoyance and possible threat if Isaak had not sharply kicked him. "Shemma bende ren!? (What kind of fool are you!?)" hissed the vampire in his native language, "If you create any kind of disturbance, those AX spy planes will be attracted here and find us!" Narrowing his eyes, Dietrich grudgingly reabsorbed his strings. Experience had taught him to obey Isaak's commands, especially when his mentor was angry enough to use expressions in Mandarin. With a polite bow, the mage courteously addressed her, "Good evening madam, my companion and I were simply passing through this, erm, charming neighborhood. You needn't concern yourself since we'll be on our way now."
Before the hapless pair could make their escape, the enthusiastic young woman seized their shirt collars with her glitter-lacquered nails. "Oh, now that jist ain't fair on y'all to be out on yer lonesome at suppertime! I bet y'all are stravin' to death. Now, I jist dun fixed up some of my specialty dish, an' I ain't got nobody to share it with. Why don't y'all come on over?" she offered with an amiable grin and a playful wink.
As Isaak began to stammer out an excuse to extricate himself, Dietrich took the opportunity for revenge on the vampire. "Why of course fraulein! We'd be absolutely delighted to join you for dinner. Wouldn't we, Isaak?" the mischievous marionettespieller informed their would-be hostess. Turning to the stricken vampire, he smiled wickedly and whispered to him, "After all, we should play along so we don't cause a disturbance, correct?"
Author's Notes: One has to pity Isaak, trying to drive a tank while his comrades behave like a bunch of bored kids on a long road trip! To be honest, I can relate to Radu and his decision to save his CDs instead of the blueprints for the weapon. After all, I'm an ardent fan of Arabic music, especially Rachid Taha! Some observant readers might recognize the joke about Isaak himself being from a trailer park in China, as well as the song he hums. Even though there is no actual basis for this in the series itself, I prefer to have Isaak being of Chinese descent in my stories. Although some readers might wonder why Isaak and Dietrich are being so civil to their new acquaintance, those two can actually be most charming and polite when they need to be. In fact, in the anime, Isaak is courteous to Abel even as they attempt to kill each other! By the way, if any of the Mandarin Chinese phrases have been inaccurately translated, please let me know. Also, what does the girl from the trailer park have in store for Dietrich and Isaak? We shall see in the next riveting installment! Please let me know what you think of the story so far!