Doctor who: Dying in your arms
So…this is my second one-shot about Doctor Who. I got a little caught up by The End of Time episodes (especially the Master) and I just felt like writing this. Oh, and I had some inspiration while listening to "This is Gallifrey, our childhood, our home". That song is just brilliant…so emotional and touching and I guess that's the main reason why it keeps inspiring me.
Oh, and I want to thank my friend, cdaye8184, for correcting this one-shot. She's just awesome!
Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this story. If you do, then please let me know what you thought of it.
Moonwolflove
The doctor heard how his own sobs drowned everything. Each time they sounded louder, more painful…like his two hearts would tear apart at the spot…it sounded heartbreaking.
He knew-oh, he knew so well-that he was supposed to be strong. He was the doctor, the intrepid optimist. The one who always – usually knew how to settle the things. He was the one who put everything back on its feet, put everything back in order. Set everything in check. It didn't matter how bad the situation was. It was who he was.
He had seen terrible wars, he had made choices…choices that would have torn normal people apart…
Nobody had ever lost so many loved ones as he had.
He had known more adversities in his life than anyone else in the entire universe…but he had learned a lesson out of them. They had-in one way or another-made him stronger…they had made him into the person he was now. And yet, it seemed like all the wisdom, all that experience in losing what was dear, fell into nothing…every time again.
Each time it felt like a hard slap in his face and a new crack in his already broken hearts. It was something he could never get used to.
It was a constant reminder that the universe could be ruthless, besides all the splendor and glory she was hiding. This was one of the rare moments in his life where he didn't know what to do. For once he had no idea how to behave.
Here, at the very moment, the final end of his enemy…his old childhood friend came near. This was the imminent end of the Master. And there was nothing, not even time-lord tricks, that could prevent that. Nothing could keep him here. It was his near prominent fate, he knew that.
Soon, his friend- he still was in his innermost being-would immerse in the timelessness….and leave him here. He would be the last of his kind, all alone and yet not so lonely in the vast universe and eternity that lay before him. The doctor knew that he was painfully aware of it but his spirit did the strangest things to oppress those thoughts. He simply couldn't accept them…not now.
"Don't do this to me, Master," he said, as he did his utmost to suppress his tears. "Don't leave. What would I be without you?"
The Master looked at him, his eyes exhausted but with an ancient lucidity. "Yeah, what would you be without me? I'll tell you…" He paused, and the doctor half expected that he was about to scold him…but he didn't.
"Don't you see? You've always been the better one, Doctor. You just never realized –or wanted to realize- it. You're so much without me…you never needed me. And I, the bone-dead stupid idiot…" He snorted softly at those offensive words, "I was so stupid not to see it." He looked away almost shamefully.
"Yeah, you've always been a bit blind to certain things," the Doctor now said, through his sobs.
"And yet, despite everything, you always give me another chance…even now…you can't just leave me here…you could leave me here…let me die, alone and miserable…you could celebrate the fact that you'll finally get rid of me…and yet, you don't. Why don't you? Why?" He brought out, while looking at the Doctor with those brown green eyes.
"Because I still remember. I remember the way you were…so many years ago. I remember…and it's a memory I've never let go. I've never been able to-hard as I tried. Maybe I secretly hoped that you would remember it too-our friendship. The fact that I've never been your enemy." He sighed, the words pierced his throat, like thorns, and silent tears slid down his cheek. "I just want you to see that."
"It could have been the two of us. We, children of Gallifrey. We could have seen the entire universe. We could have travelled together and there would have been no reason for us to feel alone. We would have had each other….just like brothers."
The Master looked at him, unbroken, and then, suddenly, something happened that the Doctor, in all those centuries, had never dared to hope.
He began to cry. The Master, his eternal friend-enemy, who had thousands of lives on his conscience, he who had never shown any kind of regret or emotion because of his deeds, cried tears. Genuine, bitter tears. They rolled down his cheek and slid into the deep…on their way to the darkness of the ground.
The Doctor let him. He was just a spectator in this remarkable change in his friend's mind.
"Do you remember how many times you've said sorry?" The latter asked with red, puffy eyes and unprecedented, faltering voice.
"You've said it over and over again…like what…thousand times? It started to become kind of annoying." The corner of his mouth curled up in a smile, but quickly fell down again. "It should have been me. I should be the one to say sorry."
"Oh, come on, that's not…"
"Don't argue with me, Theta," he said with all the strength he had in him. "Don't." That last part almost sounded like a plea…but the Doctor didn't notice that. He was too shocked by the fact that the Master had used his nickname.
Theta and Koschei…the names from a long lost childhood…a childhood that manifested in his head under the form of the red colored fields of Gallifrey. He was the only one who was able to see it. The only one able to see him.
The Master lost a lot of his memories due to the lack of life energy…undoubtedly the most precious ones he possessed…they were swept away like sand in the wind.
Actually, you could call it a miracle that he could still remember that one nickname.
"I realize it now. I realize that I was wrong all these years. Me being a monster...you won't take that realization from me. Don't try to blame yourself for what I've done…you won't succeed."
"Probably not, no," the Doctor replied, while trying to conjure a little smile.
The Master looked at a point behind the Doctor, his eyes far away, as if he was completely lost in thoughts. He saw things that the Doctor couldn't possibly see.
"I don't remember," he said. His voice wasn't more than a whisper, but she was filled with grief in its purest form.
"I don't remember what Gallifrey looked like. Every time I try, I only see a black hole. There is nothing…absolutely nothing." His sobbing was dramatic, almost hysterical and the Doctor didn't really know what to do. So he pulled him closer to him and rocked back and forth, as if he was trying to soothe a small child.
"Sshh, they'll come back…the memories, when you get better. You'll get better, Koschei."
The Master his sobs stopped when he heard that name.
"You used my name. My real name…does that mean that you forgive me?"
"What is there to forgive?" He retorted.
"Everything," he called out, as good and as bad as he could. "The fact that I was trying to ruin your life…I killed so many people…and you, you just remain your merciful self. No matter what I did…"
"You're right about that. You've done such horrible things and don't understand me wrong, I don't approve them. There is no way I would do that. But I know you realize your mistakes-you started to think, just like I told you to do. So I forgive you for a second time. Besides…you saved my life."
Koschei gave him a weak smile. "Who would have thought, huh?"
The Doctor nodded. "Yeah, who would have thought?" How surprised hadn't he been? That very moment were Koschei had send Rassilon back into the time lock…back into hell, before he had had the chance to kill him. He was indescribably grateful that he was still alive. A gratitude that was overwhelmed by the grief that swelled in his chest. His friend had sacrificed himself for him.
Koschei closed his eyes and said softly: "The noise…the eternal drums are gone. For the first time in ages, it is silent in my head…and it feels weird."
"You'll get used to it," the Doctor said.
"Don't, Theta. Don't pretend that I'll get better, don't pretend that everything's gonna be okay, because you know as well as I do that it won't. Soon I'll be as dead as a doornail." He paused, barely able to keep his eyes open. "And I'm scared…so scared. It's ridiculous, isn't it?"
"No," the Doctor said. "Being scared isn't ridiculous."
"But it is, I've already died once…and yet I'm afraid of doing it a second time." He felt so vulnerable at this moment.
"You don't need to be afraid, Shay. I'll be here. I'll stay with you until your last breath." He promised.
"Let me guess…Whatever I say…"
"…it won't change my mind," the Doctor said, while shaking his head.
"Jeez, you really know me well…" the other said, after which he paused for a few seconds. "So... dying in your arms. It could be worse." He wanted to add a smile, but before he could do that, his face twisted in a grimace of pure pain. He twisted his head a bit. The frown on his head showed his suffering.
"It's coming closer…the end…my end." His voice was nothing more than an echo of what it had once been. The Doctor moved his arm a little, as gently as possible…it was the only thing he could do, expect from feeling bad.
Seeing his loved ones die…or being removed out of his life, without him being able to do something about it, was something the Doctor hated wholeheartedly. And yet, he was often confronted with it…though it went against his nature. And every time he had to face such an situation, it became more unbearable. It struck him like nothing else could.
"I can hear your heartbeat," Koschei said. "Reminds me of the drums…one, two, three, four. One, two, three, four…and yet, not in the same, disturbing, maddening way…it sounds good."
Every now and then his breathing stopped for a moment, just to continue its weak process after a few seconds. He hadn't lied when he said that his end was near…it really was. Nearer than either hoped, nearer than either wished.
Suddenly Koschei's hand firmly grabbed the Doctor's coat. He opened his mouth to say something, but it cost him the greatest difficulty to say something that made sense. Words seemed to falter.
"Theta, I-I want to die…while overlooking Gallifrey. I want to die with what is dearest to me…For one last time I want to see what it looked like. Please, share your memories with me."
His eyes looked at the Doctor with such unprecedented, pleading brilliance that he couldn't but agree.
This was his last wish…and he himself couldn't think of a better place to die, than with the view of the twin suns and the orange, enchanting sky.
He gently lifted his friend a bit; his hand tightly clamped around his shoulders, as if to never let go.
He leaned forward, closed his eyes and rested his forehead against that of his friend as his last and final sleep overtook him. And he could honestly say, he was happy in that moment.
When the Doctor opened his eyes, he found himself lying in a meadow covered with lush, red grass.
He climbed to his feet and his eyes immediately began searching for Koschei. The latter had become hysterical at the first sight of the orange sky, the fields with red grass and the mountains with the everlasting snow.
He ran back and forth, screaming wildly. Not in the same way as the Doctor had seen him doing that before…but with the purest joy that existed.
He let himself fall backwards, stretched his arms out as far as he could, and grabbed the grass. The Doctor walked over to him and said: "If you only knew how strange this looks."
"Oh wait, don't tell me, uhm…very, very strange," Koschei said with a voice that contained not a single shred of pain or agony. It sounded nice to the doctor's ears-to hear that Koschei wasn't in any discomfort or pain any longer.
This was a different world. They were in the Doctor's head…massless appearances in an old memory. A reminder of a bygone world…a world that was gone and would never come back. But this was their escape, from reality.. if only for a little while.
No one would ever see the sun settle on the beautiful orange-red sky, no one would ever set foot on the soil of Gallifrey…ever again.
And everyone who had known this shining world, would or could ever forget her, not even Koschei. Wherever he went…the memory would stay with him forever.
Gallifrey…the love for your home planet was indelible.
Koschei pointed to the Doctor and said: "You should know how this feels. God…it's…what is it…what is it…" He tapped his head, in a way the Doctor had often seen him do…before he had been relieved from the drums in his head…from his insanity.
"Reassuring, yes. That's it, I think. Is it?"
The Doctor sat down beside him in the grass and wrapped his arms around his knees. "Yeah, probably…or wait hold on, perhaps…no…nope, reassuring is the right word."
Koschei laughed, seemingly satisfied with that answer. His blond hair glistened in the sunlight…sunbeams colored it silver. Almost as silvery as the leaves on the Gallifreyan trees. A gentle autumn breeze blew past them.
The Doctor liked the picture- he loved Gallifrey with both his hearts-and yet he couldn't be happy. This was in fact no more than a memory, a memory that made his friend happy and made his dying wish come true. But he…he would soon break the connection. He would wake up in a reality where everything was gone, his friend included.
"I've missed this…yeah," he sighed happily when he saw the Doctor's surprised face. "I remember it. I remember everything from the day I was born until now. My whole life, even the parts where I lost my good looks…no, seriously, bah. Do I even want to remember those moments?" He shook his head slightly and looked at the Doctor.
"I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but…Jeez…I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms…No drums anymore…no, no," He brought himself to reason, then said, "I believe that, if I had to start everything over again, I would have accepted your offer."
"Really…well, that would be a smart thing to do. Smart and brilliant. What did I tell you? You're stone-cold brilliant," The Doctor said with a laugh.
"Yeah, sounds like me." He agreed. "I am brilliant."
They both laughed and turned their eyes towards heaven. The morning dew was in the air, waiting for the first sunrays. They wouldn't have to wait long anymore…the Doctor just knew that.
"Do you remember…," Koschei began. "We used to watch this when we were kids. It seems so long ago…" He paused and frowned. "Oh my God, now I'm starting to sound like an elderly."
"The universe obviously didn't do a good job by removing those drums from your head. Although…perhaps it's just your natural, not so crazy self that starts to take over."
"My natural, not so crazy self doesn't have a sense of humor…which is actually quite sad," he said.
"Well, the crazy you didn't have a sense of humor either. So that doesn't make lot of a difference."
"Thanks," Koschei said, after which the silence took the upper hand.
They didn't mind…this was exactly how it was supposed to be.
After a minute of silence, Koschei suddenly shot up and said. "There…the twin sun…right behind the Citadel."
He was right. The second sun of Gallifrey appeared on the horizon, with a dazzling, burnt-orange glow, which could leave no one unmoved. Her rays glided over the dome of the capital, made the glass glitter with the brightness of a star, and then fell on the mountains and ground, creeping further to the next thing.
Koschei looked at it in fascination. He watched the orange glare coming closer and closer, until it reached them and covered them in all sorts of different shades of orange. Even Koschei's blond hair was dark orange, with here and there some of the silver that had been there before the sunset.
The Doctor kept silent, a little bit too miserable to say something. He had thought that this memory would leave him indifferent…just because of the simple fact that it was only a memory. A picture inside his head…but…he was wrong…picture or not…it touched the very depths of his hearts.
Although it wasn't real, it came pretty close to how it had been…and it made him realize that Gallifrey would never be completely gone. It would continue to live within his thoughts. It was there, and it wouldn't go away.
It would stay with him for the rest of his life…and the day he would die, every glimmer of sunlight he had remembered, would be lost. With the death of the last Time Lord, the memories of a once so majestic world would die out. But he wasn't dead yet…and he preferred not to think it.
"Wonderful, absolutely wonderful," Koschei said softly, his eyes looked at the trees, whose silver leaves seemed to have caught fire in the morning light.
"I've never liked the life of duty…but Gallifrey, the shining world, my home…"
"That's everlasting love," the Doctor grinned. "I know what you mean. Despite the things we went through while growing up here…despite everything; it's still our home. And when you are out there far away, at the other side of the universe, realizing that it's gone and that you can't return to it…it hurts."
"You know, I've always blamed you…I blamed you for Gallifrey's destruction but now I think about it," The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "Yes, I do think…anyway, it must have been terrible for you. But at least you stayed and fought…I ran away."
"Be happy…be happy that you haven't seen the War in its final days," the Doctor said. "If hell ever existed, then it must have been there."
Koschei looked at him for a moment with an almost sympathetic look and then dropped back into the grass…still enjoying the beautiful sunrise.
"Thank you, Theta," he said, out of nowhere, which surprised the Doctor.
"What for?"
"For fulfilling my dying wish…and for forgiving me. Actually I have a whole list of reasons but I'd better refrain from that…otherwise you'll die of boredom."
The Doctor shivered when hearing the word "death" and he really hoped that Koschei hadn't noticed it. Luckily for him, the latter was too busy with the beauty of his surroundings. He didn't know how long they sat there, quiet and without worries. In fact he didn't even need to know it. It simply felt good and he'd wish they could stay like that forever.
But unfortunately- and the Doctor knew this all too well-everything came to an end…and so did this fairy tale. Koschei also seemed to realize this and slowly climbed to his feet, as if he wanted to make it last longer. The Doctor followed his example and stood right in front of him…both seemed a bit uncomfortable, while looking at each other. The Doctor slightly raised his hand, just to let them fall back against his sides. "Well, I guess this is goodbye."
"Yeah," Koschei said as he rocked back and forth on this feet and didn't really seem to know what to do or how to react.
The Doctor wasn't really good at this kind of situations but he knew that he couldn't let his friend go…just like that. There was only one right way to part from him.
In an inviting gesture, he put his arms around Koschei and embraced him. His friend seemed genuine surprised, almost shocked, but that barrier soon feel and he returned the embrace while fighting the stinging tears in his eyes.
And so they stood there, with their heads against each other's shoulders.
"Take care, my friend," the Doctor said in a hoarse voice, after which he released him. He promised himself that he wouldn't cry.
"You too, Theta…oh, before I forget-you're name…the Doctor…It does suit you. You did made me better. Just so you know it."
The Doctor had to do his best to keep himself from crying after he heard those words. And when Koschei turned to walk away, it seemed as if he would fall to his knees, out of pure misery. He had probably done it, if Koschei hadn't turned, in a manner as if he had just thought of something important.
"I'll see you in the other world, my friend," he said with his lips curled up in a smile.
"Not yet," the Doctor replied.
"Not yet," he agreed. "But someday."
The Doctor could not but agree and nodded. Koschei smiled for one last time, then turned and started to walk away. With every step he took, he seemed to be less visible…becoming completely unclear in the end, until there was nothing left of him only the autumn breeze that carried a memory of him.
That was when he broke the connection. With a blow he fell back into the present, his friend still in his arms. Just in time to see how the last breath of the Time Lord escaped him with a sigh. His head fell lifeless against the Doctor's chest, who immediately sank in a sea of tears.
Through his sobs, however, there was something else to hear something soft, familiar…a gentle breeze whispered "Thank you" into his ears. It was almost inaudible, but not for him. The two words were so simple, but they made a world of difference for the Doctor. He wiped his eyes and laid the body of his friend down.
He had given him his last wish, at the expense of a new fracture in his two hearts. Koschei was gone…he had merged into eternity.
He himself stayed behind, alone, but with the comforting thought that he had contributed to one of the happiest moments that his friend has ever known in his entire life. And that…that was worth the grief that was yet to come.
So…(yeah, I always tend to start my author's notes with 'so')…what did you think of it? I know that it's pretty sad…and I also know that a lot of people would rather see the Master alive. Because he's such a great character (and John Simm is an amazing actor). But this just popped up in my head and I had to write it down…I think you all know the feeling.
Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.
Oh, btw, you can follow me on Facebook. My account is called "Moonwolflove Fanfiction". If you want to become friends then just send me a request and I'll be happy to accept you.