Barbie: The Story of a Pug Faced Slut
She was just cheap plastic. Like that wizard actress Lily Hogan. They're perfect, magically altered breasts, their overly dyed straight hair. Even the whore's make-up they slathered on. Because they were plastic. Fake in all but one way: their overly stretched – not wide set – vaginas. But that didn't matter. They both still had adoring lines of horny males and a few females pining for some of their action. In their worlds, life couldn't be more fantastically bearable.
In their worlds, only one person stood between their 'unmoving' success: Barcelona Lindor. Their best friend with the inherited Lindt. Chocolate fortune, the anorexic figure, the peroxided blond hair. Yes, Barcelona was everything the two of them despised, except the only thing that drew them closer. Her sex tape with the supposed rapper, Kelvin Byerblind.
Everybody knew they were whores. Everyone knew the shiny pieces of plastic. But the media easily drew their attention from Pansy. After a while, it became somewhat a bore to hear stories from the men whose cocks she impaled. How her juices slid down the length of their penis as she rode them as if there was no tomorrow. How they shoved their huge dicks into her tiny ass. And no one defiantly needed to wake up to see their Witch Weekly saying how she gave a man a blowjob as he cumed all over her tits and face for the umpteenth time. The wizarding world was better without pansy Parkinson's new sex parade explained in great detail for every headline.
Pansy Parkinson, Lily Hogan, and Barcelona Lindor were, however, celebrity icons. Bulimic girls thought of Barcelona as they purged, emo children's thoughts drifted to Lily as they slit their wrists. And practically every fifteen to nineteen year old girl was pregnant from attempting to have as much sex as Pansy. No one, however, could best those girls. They were perfect, after all. Who could even try to top their yearly talent act 'Merlin Rocks my Socks'?
But not all was as great as it seemed. Pansy and Barcelona's race for the most liposuction Despite being able to do it themselves with their wands, the stupid bimbos. tore the trio into a climax. Lily tried using her wand to take off their mass amounts of fat, but it only made both girls vaginas tighten. Not that that was such a bad thing, to them anyway.
Even Lucius Malfoy was able to fuck the two girls senseless ruthlessly, as if their cherry was just popping. The scent of Pansy's dripping sex lingered throughout the hotel as Lucius pounded into the girl tied to the transfigured shackled dungeon wall. The stench of the Lindor heiress's blood from his whips could be smelled too. All in all, the girls had a great time.
This, though, was the trigger to Barcelona's rage. Pansy told Kelvin about the video she posted on MyTeli, the only place to see everything going on in the wizarding world minus the need for muggle crap. Barcelona and Kelvin broke up, and he took their two sons, Kyle and Preston. It was the same incident that brought Lily Hogan and Pansy Parkinson together.
Yes, the two moved away to New Jersey. They moved away from Barcelona's attempt at reviving herself by being a pop single with the hot song 'The Moon is Deaf'. They moved away from the jealous Harry Potter's trial that claimed Lucius Malfoy was really Mint Jefferson.
They moved to New Jersey so they could have peace and quiet as they used strap on dicks to pull each other over the edge, as they ate each other's pussies out. So they could be the only lesbian couple anywhere.
Unfortunately, by moving, they couldn't kick anyone with muggle boomboxes when they messed up their song 'Merlin Rocks my Socks' like they did every Valentines Day.
That March, Lily began the habit to follow Pansy around the Jersey coast; watching Pansy as her fake blond hair kept sticking to her over glossed lips and how her fake boobs bounced up and down for five minutes after Pansy stopped moving. Pansy accused Lily of being straight, that she wasn't playing out the 'gay fad' long enough. Lily Hogan's plane crashed off the shore of Japan. It spun in. there were no survivors.
It was only at the funeral that Barcelona Lindor realized that you got more flowers from the people that adored you after you died. After a big fight with pansy, Barcelona was hit by the Knight Bus. It was that incident that made Pansy Parkinson realize how fucked up her life was.
She began gaining weight; she was now two pounds heavier than her German shepherd that she had to name Draco. She had to get a real job, and everybody wanted to hit the 'fat kid'. Pansy became every inch like her dead, emo lover. Cuts covered her wrists and legs, elaborate skulls danced along her back. Witch Weekly had more stories on her because of her unclaimed celibacy. No one had been sticking a hard-on into her for months.
No one knew what was wrong with her. Even her new husband, the very same Kelvin Byerblind. He was brutally murdered by death eaters when they found out Barcelona was actually an adopted muggle.
Pansy was tainted. A dull, worn out sheet of plastic. Of course, she had her unnatural body changes still. She had the artificial nose and rubber boobs, still had the beach blond hair. She even had nose and eyebrow pairings. Her dazzling display of descriptive moving images for all to gape at when wearing barely there ensembles. Maybe that was what made her creases, cracks and folds.
Her life was slipping away from her. And there was only one way to get pansy back into life…
Author's Note: I kept laughing while writing this, but I bet that not everybody reading this understood all its quirks. I don't mean any offense for people who like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, Britney Spears and her sons, Michael Jackson, or Nicole Richie. I mean no harm when I parody Paris Holton's sex tape, 'Jingle Bell Rock', that show 'The Biggest Loser', YouTube, or Saturday Night Live. And I don't feel bad about the two 'Family Guy' references I made. And I hope those lines Bryan and the golf course owner guy used aren't copyrighted.
And finally, I hope everybody that helped in the making of the movie 'Mean Girls' – namely Tina Fey – don't try to find me and kill me. Its all in the name of humor, right? Plus, I still have to write the second part of this twoshot. And trust me; there will be more on the topic of pansy bashing.
To all of my readers, fave and alert listers; have a happy and healthier New Year. Personally, I don't celebrate the secular New Year. But if you do, I hope your resolutions from 2006 have been fulfilled, and you have a good time working on the ones for 07. Have a nice winter season!