Conversations of the Heart II

A/N: Hi again. I want to state up front that this is a sad piece. I choked up pretty hard when I wrote it. In my opinion, the loss of a child is the hardest thing life can throw at a person. Whether that child is 5 seconds old or 50 years old, no parent should ever have to bury their child. I consider myself very fortunate to have never had to experience such a loss, but I know people who have, and it's heartbreaking. If you ask me, there is no human being on earth stronger than a parent.

Pieces of this story have been playing in my head ever since the end of "Epilogue" (7x06), when we discover that David Rossi lost his son the same day he was born. That being said, this story is dedicated to my Granny, who outlived four of her six children (including the youngest), and to any parent who has ever experienced such a loss.

April 26, 2012

Coming here never got any easier. It was even harder now that Carolyn was here too. But he had to come here. Especially today. Today was special. April 26 would always be special to him. Carrying a small bag, he walked slowly down a path he'd walked many times before over the years. He stopped at his destination and knelt in front of the small grave marker.

James David Rossi

Born 26 April 1979

Died 26 April 1979

Seeing those words on that grave marker still brought tears to his eyes every time. He swallowed around the lump in his throat and dusted off the fallen leaves and twigs from the marker. He opened the bag and pulled out two candles, each in the shape of the number three, and sat them on the corner without lighting them. He then retrieved a small shot glass, a larger tumbler, and a bottle of his favorite scotch. He filled the shot glass and sat it on the opposite corner for his son, then filled the tumbler for himself. He took a small sip to calm himself before speaking to his only son.

"Hi James. I can't believe it's been 33 years. Sometimes it feels like yesterday that we were getting ready to bring you into the world. I still wonder sometimes what you would look like. Would you have my dark hair and your mother's beautiful eyes? Would you have her incredible sense of humor or my sarcastic wit? You would have been smarter than the both of us put together, of that I am certain. I so wish you could have had the life that your mother and I wanted you to have. But I guess God had other plans for you."

He took another sip, this time to quell some of his anger. To this day, he could not understand why God would take his son from him. Why he and Carolyn had to suffer such heartache. He glanced at the marker to the right of his son's. Carolyn. God, he still missed her, too. Why had she been made to suffer again, this time in the form of incurable disease? He took another sip.

"Before she died, your mom asked me if I thought you'd be there waiting for her. I said I was sure of it. I hope I was right. You deserve to be with each other now. She's waited so long to see your handsome face again. I have too, son. But I guess I'll have to be patient and wait a little longer. That's okay, though. You two should have some time together before I get there, if that is where I'm going. I certainly hope so, though I'm sure there are some who have their doubts.

"I didn't think it was remotely possible to miss someone so much when you only got to see them for a few minutes. But not a day goes by that I don't think about you and miss you terribly. I used to see children running and laughing and playing, and wonder if that would be you having bicycle races through the neighborhood or hanging upside down on the jungle gym in the park. I would see kids going to school and wonder if you would be an honor student like your mom or barely squeak by like me. Would you be the starting catcher for the high school baseball team, or power forward in varsity basketball, or the football hero making the game winning catch in the end zone to send the school to the state championship game?

"And then I see a young man like Spencer, who is only two years younger that you would be. I think of all he has accomplished at such a young age and wonder if you would have done great things as well, if you'd had the chance. Maybe that's why I've taken to that kid so much. Because when I look at him, I see you and all the potential your life should have had. I guess working with him gives me the chance to teach him some of the things I would have taught you.

"It's the same with Aaron and Jack. At first, I didn't like the idea of spending so much time with kids. It reminded me too much of everything I missed out on with you. But damn, Aaron really doesn't know anything about soccer! And I do, so I had to give him a hand. After the first practice I went home and cried because it should have been you I was teaching. But since then, it's gotten better. It doesn't hurt so much anymore. It felt good, actually, teaching a group of five and six year olds how to play a sport that will always hold a special place in my Italian heart. And they're really learning how to play instead of just running around like chickens with their heads cut off. So in a sense, teaching them makes me feel a little less like a failure as a father. It's taken me 33 years to be able to say that.

"I know your mother wanted to try to have another baby, but I just couldn't do it. Maybe I'm a coward for not wanting to at least try. She was always so much stronger than I was. But I couldn't bear the thought of the same thing happening again. Losing you was the hardest thing I've ever had to face. If we had tried again and the same thing had happened, I know I wouldn't have survived such heartache a second time. She looked at other children and saw potential. I looked at other children and saw tragedy. She was still my best friend, but I couldn't give her what she wanted most, and I'll always be sorry about that. She deserved so much better than me. But she has you now, and I know you're both happy and taking care of each other."

He took a final sip and put the glass and the bottle back into the bag. He left the shot glass and candles for James. He spoke a few more words before turning away.

"Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I still love you and think of you every day. I still miss you terribly. And even though I only got to spend mere minutes with you, you are still the greatest joy of my life. I love you, son. Happy birthday."