A Son's Desire
A one-shot by Ellipsis the Great
Summary: A revisit of/companion piece to 'A Father's Pride' from Jimmy's POV. (Original Prompt: 'Somehow a kid!Kirk shows up on the Enterprise. Problem? Captain Kirk is still himself and looks just as out of his depth as everyone else in the face of a little him. Jim, with help from Bones and Spock, takes care of little!Kirk until they can figure out how to fix it. Bonus: Little!Kirk mistakes adult!Kirk for his father, thinks he's traveled through time, and tries to warn them about the Kelvin.') No real pairings.
Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to J.J. Abrams, Gene Roddenberry, and all those other cool cats who own it. All I own is the plot!
Rating: T just in case
Jimmy is eight years old, and right now he is climbing a tree to get away from Frank. Mom is gone again and Sam is off somewhere-else-anywhere-else-but-here, so it's just him and Frank.
Not that Frank's a bad guy, mostly. He wasn't a bad guy at first, anyhow. He just hates that Winona is still in love with a ghost, and married him under false pretenses, and has saddled him with two kids—one that's aloof and always gone, the other whose middle name should definitely be 'Trouble' instead of 'Tiberius.' And since Mom is always gone and Sam is always gone, and Jimmy has nowhere else to go, the only person Frank can take is anger out on is Jimmy.
Luckily for Jimmy, Franky can't climb trees, and would never call the fire department to get Jimmy down because that might tip people off to what goes on in the house when he's had one beer too many. So Frank will yell up at him for a while, and he'll yell back, and eventually Frank will get bored and go back into the house and drink himself into a hazy stupor. Jimmy knows he won't be safe until Frank starts snoring, and sometimes he can't hear Frank snoring so he has to guess, but he'll take those odds over the definite beating he'll get if he comes down while Frank's still standing at the bottom of the tree.
Finally, Frank does go back inside. Jimmy doesn't move, of course. He has, on occasion, climbed down to a lower branch only to have Frank come running back out in hopes of getting him down (and done it, once or twice). It takes too much energy to climb up and down the tree.
'At least,' he thinks caustically, 'I'm learning to be patient. Life lessons, right? Or something? Maybe?'
It's another hour before he finally hears snores that aren't faked (the faded bruises and healed scars have taught him how to tell the difference), so he starts to climb down.
The branch he has just put his weight on cracks, and before he can grab onto something he is falling, falling, falling…
(MYNAMEISPAGETIBERIUSBREAK)
He wakes up in an enclosed space, and wonders for a moment if he's in a body bag or a casket. Or, heck, maybe he's dead or something.
But no, there's lots of wiggling room in this…wherever he is, so he shimmies around until he actually gets out. Only then he runs into some guy in…a Starfleet uniform?
"And where in th' bloody blue blazes did you come from?" The man asks, voice thick with a Scottish accent.
"I fell out of a tree." He says with a shrug.
The man gives him a skeptical look (which he totally understands), and says, "What's yer name, lad?"
He straightens up a little. "James Tiberius Kirk."
The man blinks, stares at him for a while, and then says, "Ye look a little peaked, lad."
That's when Jimmy passes out.
(MYNAMEISPAGETIBERIUSBREAK)
As he is drawn into consciousness for the second time in one day (is it the same day? He isn't sure), he figures he really ought to stop waking up in strange places. This place is, at least, less likely to cause him to get claustrophobic than the last place. But it's white and sterile and oh, crap, this is totally a hospital.
'Mom's gonna kill me,' he thinks, and then his eyes come to rest on a man with his blue eyes—no, they aren't exactly his. They're a little darker. But that is definitely his hair, and sort of his face, and things come together with sudden clarity in his head.
"Dad?" He chokes out. The man gapes at him—but that's to be expected, because this guy looks like he's probably only just had Sam, if that. "Dad, I'm James. I'm your son. I don't know how I got here but you've gotta listen to me—don't go on the Kelvin. Dad, it's gonna run into a Romulan ship and you'll die and please, please, please don't go on the Kelvin, Dad, let somebody else's dad die."
The expression on the guy—his father's—face is nothing short of heartbroken, but Jimmy can ignore that because now the guy's arms are around him and oh, God, this is a hug. He reaches up and hugs him back, hands bunching up in the fabric of his father's shirt as he buries his face in his father's neck and breathes in his father's scent, which is something like engine fuel and what Jimmy figures stars must smell like.
"Oh, kid." The voice doesn't match the vids he's seen of his father, but maybe holovids distort voices? "I'm not your dad, Jimbo. I'm so sorry, but I'm not George Kirk. I'm James, too. You didn't go back, you came forward. Christ, kid, I'm sorry."
And just like that things come crashing down around his head, and he tries for a split second not to but the tears start coming, anyway. "I thought…you were Dad." He says, like that wasn't obvious, and oh, man, he's shaking. They're both shaking. "I thought…I wanted to warn him so…Mom and Sam would stop being sad."
The other him—who calls him Jimbo, which only Sam ever does, and that probably makes sense, right?—reaches up and twists his fingers into Jimmy's hair. It should feel uncomfortable, but it actually feels fucking amazing. "I know. God, kid, do I know."
Jimmy tries to stop crying; hears Big Jim sniffle in his ears a few times. No one's ever held him like this, before, and he wishes more than anything that Big Jim had just let him believe he was George, because this just has to be what a father's embrace feels like.
"Captain." Comes a voice from off to the side. "I believe the doctor needs to run some tests, so that we might ascertain the child's origin and how to return him to where he belongs."
And Big Jim just drops him, like a hot potato, and it's the worst feeling in the entire world. Jimmy does notice that Big Jim has to wipe his eyes, though, and wonders if they feel the same way. The thought makes him look down at his lap.
"Right, of course. Um, Jimmy, this is my First Officer, Spock, and my Chief Medical Officer, Leonard McCoy." Big Jim says.
"Hi." Jimmy mumbles without looking up, waving half-heartedly.
"I'm going to have to take some blood, Jimmy. You'll feel a little sting." Someone—that must be Leonard McCoy, because he's the doctor…right? Jimmy is so busy pondering this that he misses the hypospray until the residual sting is already fading.
"Does he need to be here for all of the tests?" Big Jim asks.
"No." The doctor guy says slowly. "But—"
"Then why don't I give you a tour of the ship?"
A ship? Whoa, wait, like…a starship?
"Captain, I believe that to be inadvisable." The other guy—the one with a funny name—says, but Jimmy stopped listening after the first word, looking up at his older counterpart with wide, betrayed eyes.
"Captain? Did he just call you Captain?"
"Yep." Big Jim says, and he actually looks proud of himself, for Christ's sake. "I'm a starship captain."
"Our dad died in space!" Jimmy finds himself saying before he has really considered what he is saying (not that that would have changed his mind about saying it, because it needs to be said). "Are you stupid?"
Big Jim has the good grace to look like he's just been caught defiling a gravestone. "I, uh…"
"You idiot!" Jimmy shrieks, throwing himself at the older him. "You big fat stupid idiot! Why the fuck would you—"
He is cut off by a none-too-gentle swat to the back of his head compliments of the doctor-guy, who isn't really very doctor-like.
"Hey! Watch your mouth, young man."
'You aren't my father!' is on the tip of Jimmy's tongue, but he clamps his mouth tightly shut to keep himself from voicing his thoughts. Nobody is his father—not Frank, not Big Jim, hell, not even George Kirk, because a father isn't supposed to get himself killed on the day his son is born, or abandon his wife and kids to a life with an asshole second husband/step-father and misplaced fame that doesn't do anything but make people expect things from Jimmy that he can't—he can't—give them.
Big Jim looks like he might cry, which is stupid because Jimmy just told it like it was. Why would anyone want to go to the place their father died and work there?
"Look, buddy…" Big Jim says, slowly, like he's trying to find the right words. "I…I know it seems stupid, but…it's not space that killed him. He could have died anywhere. And it isn't space that made Mom…how she is. I love being up here."
Like any of that makes it better. Like any of that changes anything.
Jimmy crosses his arms over his chest and looks away and reiterates, "Stupid."
Big Jim coughs, obviously uncomfortable, and Jimmy reckons that's a good thing. "Well…why don't I take you on that tour? You can decide for yourself, that way."
'I don't want to go on a tour of a starship,' Jimmy thinks acidly, but he just makes a face and says, "Okay, I guess."
The doctor starts protesting again—it's kind of funny, actually, and being fussed over like this? Feels kind of awesome. But Jimmy is being angry right now, so he pushes the fuzzy feeling out of his chest and doesn't let himself laugh.
The ship is big, and shiny, and wonderful in just about every way. Jimmy tries to keep his eyes on the floor as much as possible, because he knows that if he looks up and around he'll have to stop being angry and start showing just how amazing he thinks all of this really is, now that his initial shock has worn off, and that just isn't kosher because…because…
From the corner of his eyes, he has seen it. It's a huge window—way bigger than any of them, which makes since seeing as how Big Jim calls this place the Observation Deck—and you can see space, and it's all so beautiful. And, suddenly, he has pulled away from Big Jim and that other guy—Spork? Spots?—and is pressing his face up against the glass. By the time he remembers that he's supposed to be acting angry and petulant, Big Jim is beside him and putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Pretty cool, huh?"
"Yeah." Jimmy says, hardly able to make himself talk because it's so…so breathtakingly awesome.
For a moment things are silent, and from the corner of his eye Jimmy can see Big Jim, who looks…well, happy and awkward at the same time.
"Yeah." Big Jim finally says.
Jimmy thinks his older self is just a little bit silly.
(MYNAMEISPAGETIBERIUSBREAK)
Spock—who totally likes him more than he likes Big Jim, and how cool is that?—is talking. Jimmy isn't sure exactly what he's saying, but it sounds really awesome and technical and, anyhow, Big Jim looks like he doesn't know what's going on, either, so he figures it's okay if he doesn't understand.
"That's so fucking cool." He says when it seems like Spock has finished talking (Jimmy has found that, for a guy who is supposed to be from a race of tight-lipped, succinct logic-seekers, Spock is a bit of a motor mouth. And pretty badass, to boot).
"Language, kid." The doctor—who Big Jim calls Bones, which is totally what Jimmy has been calling him ever since he heard it because it is the best nickname in the history of nicknames—says in his I'm-trying-to-make-you-think-I'm-mad-but-I'm-not-mad-at-all voice. "Fuck's sake."
And Jimmy knows he should be taking the older man seriously (he should be, right?), but he just can't stop the giggle that bubbles up in his chest—and when he looks at Big Jim, his older counterpart is grinning, too. Honestly, Bones is kind of a huge sap, especially considering how grumpy he acts all the time. He's always scolding Jimmy for not eating his vegetables (he scolds Big Jim, too, for not eating his veggies and for 'setting a bad example'), and running his hands through Jimmy's hair to try and straighten it (Jimmy could tell him that that's the one and only no-win situation he actually believes in, but it feels kind of good so he just keeps his mouth shut), and fixing Jimmy's collar, and every once in a while, when no one else is looking, he'll put his arms around Jimmy and squeeze, tight, until Jimmy is almost completely swallowed up in the embrace. Jimmy is starting to think that hugs—especially the ones he gets from Bones—are the best things ever invented ever, and he hopes they never figure out how to send him home because there are no hugs waiting for him, there, and how depressing is that?
"So how do I go back?" He asks, hoping they'll say he can't.
"I believe we shall have to recreate the anomaly that brought you to us." Spock says.
Jimmy doesn't know what that means. It sounds bad.
"We shall go through another ion storm." Spock says.
Oh. That's not good at all. Jimmy doesn't want to go back. Getting here was terrible, and what's going to be on the other side of the storm?
Frank, that's what. And Mom. And Sam. And a world with no hugs. And, wow, he hasn't really even thought about 'home' since he got here, and that's gotta mean something, right?
He wishes they didn't have to send him back.
(MYNAMEISPAGETIBERIUSBREAK)
Why are ion storms so easy to find? Jimmy knows he has to go back—Spock has spent a lot of time trying to explain time paradoxes and alternate realities to him—but it isn't fair that he has gotten to spend time in this…this wonderful, loving world where he has people who treat him like family even though only one of them is technically-sort-of related to him, and now he has to go back to…that. It's just not right—like letting a starving man reach for a ripe, juicy peach, and then jerking it away just as his fingers are brushing against its fuzzy outside.
"Everybody ready?" Big Jim asks.
'No. No, no, no, no, no.' Jimmy thinks. The word that comes out of his mouth is "Yeah."
There is a moment of tense silence, and then Big Jim grabs him and pulls him aside.
"You gonna be okay, kiddo?"
Jimmy looks down at his shoes. Wonders how you're supposed to tell someone—tell yourself—that you want to stay right where you are because it's the only thing you've ever wanted, and that it feels like being stabbed in the heart for them to make you leave?
He breathes in, trembling just a little. "I know…you're not and all, and…that it's kind of messed up." He says, choosing his words with care. "But can I…for just a minute, can I…pretend you're my dad?"
Big Jim is quiet, staring at him, and he wishes for a moment that he hadn't said that. Opens his mouth to take it back—
"Of…of course you can." Big Jim says.
And then the tears start to come. "Dad, I'm scared." He says. "I'm so scared."
'Don't make me go back. Please, God, don't make me go back.'
And Big Jim's arms are around him, and even though Bones gives great hugs (the best hugs), Big Jim's hug feels like home.
"It's okay to be scared, Jimbo. I get scared all the time."
Jimmy opens his mouth to say something else ('Please let me stay here. Please oh please oh—'), but the ship starts bouncing around and his arms fly up to clutch at his counterpart.
"We've hit the storm, Captain!"
"Dad." Jimmy chokes out.
"It's okay, Jimmy." Big Jim says. "It's okay."
'It's not okay. It'll never be okay, don't make me go back.'
"I don't want to go." He says, sobbing now.
"I don't want you to go." Big Jim says, but his arms aren't tight enough, and Jimmy knows he ('he' Jimmy or 'he' Big Jim?) is disappearing.
'So don't let me go!'
"I love you, Dad."
Big Jim makes a strangled noise in his ear, like he's dying. "I…I love you…I love you, too…son."
This is what love feels like. Love hurts.
"Captain, we are almost through."
Jimmy's trying to hold on tighter to Big Jim, but it's not working.
"I'm proud of you." Big Jim says, and Jimmy starts crying harder. "No matter what happens, and no matter what you do, Jimmy, just remember that I'm always, always proud of you."
Then Jimmy is falling, falling, falling…
And then he hits the ground.
(MYNAMEISPAGETIBERIUSBREAK)
Jim (he dropped the '–my' ages ago, back when he lost his virginity, because what girl wants to sleep with a guy she calls 'Jimmy'?) sets his foot down, balancing his motorcycle as he looks up at the shuttle that's going to take him up into space.
Incomprehensibly, because Jim has never gone far outside of Iowa, it feels like coming home; the feeling intensifies when he meets 'Leonard McCoy,' to whom the name 'Bones' is totally way more fitting.
Bones gives the best hugs ever.
The End.
A/N: Dear Brain. Stop being an emo bitch and making me write angst. All my love, EtheG.