Saudade - A love that remains
Hurt. Pain. Loneliness. Emptiness. Emotions, feelings something humans share, but how we feel them depends on our life experiences, some people bring it on themselves, others are dealt a set of cards beyond their control. Many know the reasons why they feel the way they do and this gives them a little peace of mind but then there are the people who are engulfed with this black hole that they have no idea why or what has made them feel like this. Every story is different; every person has a purpose and for every breath that is taken there is a reason.
-x-
Like any other day, Amelia Carter sat at her desk in the small office block, and like any other time she was not concentrating on the article in front of her trying to string the words together for the big storyline she was supposed to be constructing for the next 'hit' magazine to be hitting the shelves. Instead Amelia found herself watching out the window, the white sand beach and the crystal clear waters, all she wanted to do was walk out, feel the warmth of the sun hit her bare back and be able to swim in the water, maybe even try out her new surf board. A small smile crept on her face as she thought about herself surfing, she didn't know where the desire came from to learn how to surf, but it was there embedded in her brain, one morning all she remembers is strolling along the beach and she had seen a few heavily inked surfer dudes who she took an instant disliking to, there was an aura around them but the surfing aspect had her intrigued so she paid upfront at a surf school for some lessons.
There were many things in Amelia's life that were unexplainable, there was things if you asked she had no idea how to answer them, she worked an average job with an average wage but she had more money than some people on an the same level as her, she couldn't even recount where this money came from or even what her previous job was, she couldn't even recount the simple things like what school or college she went to. She couldn't even remember what her life was like before a certain date; it was like she was born a 29 year old woman thrown into the midst of everything. The only thing she was sure of was two names, an image and a place. And that was more than enough for her, what more did she need?
-x-
''Heath…'' the name ricocheted over the water as he bellowed from his position on the edge of the boat, one foot firmly in the crook of the man's neck that was pushed on the floor, whilst another man looked on as he continued to bellow the name ''Heath''
Wasted efforts, there was no response, all that could be heard was the water gently lapping or the struggles of the man still pinned to the ground, but now instead of a foot resting on his neck, a set of hands engulfed the man's neck.
''this is your last chance, you tell me where my brother is or I swear to god, only two of us will be returning back to the bay, and if I was you I wouldn't count my blessings'' he spoke with aggression, he needed to make a point, did he not know, pushed to the edge and this man did things unimaginable, things that raised questions but no one dare ask.
He lifted the lad up by the scuff of his neck and pushed him towards the back of the boat, he didn't care, when it came to family he would do anything, climbing down the few steps towards the back as he kept a tight grip on the man, he pushed him into the water and instead of letting him fall all the way in, he grabbed him instead pushing him towards the propeller fans at the back of the boat, keeping his grip tight on him he asked once more,
''Where is he?'' again there was no response and quite frankly his patience was running low, just as he was about to push him forward a little, to feel the effects of the propeller he heard someone screech his name,
''Brax, come quick there's a dinghy, quick'' he heard his brother Kyle, without even thinking twice he managed to bring himself up and Jamie pushing his way past so he could see the dinghy, hopefully with his brother in it.
-x-
It had just gone 2:45pm and Amelia finished her shift at work, she had 2 hours before she had to be somewhere so she decided to go and make use of the waves that were inviting her in. Amelia always kept beach accessories in the back of her car, never knowing where the mood may take her so having them in her car was handy. Making her way to the outside cubicles with her beach bag, she slipped on her white bikini, it complemented her tanned body to perfection, her ombre hair flowed down her back, it was the perfect shade of chocolate brown from the roots with subtle hints of blonde around half way down to her tips. It was the perfect surfer chick look and she carried it off well. She was a natural beauty, not that she could see it, to someone on the outside she had the perfect body, everything with the right proportions, with the perfect looking eyes, a blue tinge radiating beauty, the only thing that you would never see on her face was a smile, a real smile showing sincerity, her smile never met her eyes, instead it was just polite and a must to show appreciation when needed. When people see beauty in Amelia, she saw something totally different. Her eyes showed deep wells of mystery, her hair represented the vision of a girl she could see, she didn't know who this girl was but she had a bushy mane of hair, the whole hippy vibe going on and there was familiarity but Amelia couldn't recall any of who this girl was but the picture of her was vivid. There was something about this girl whose image haunted her. She knew the picture in her mind did this girl no justice, if she saw this girl in the flesh she imagined her to be the epitome of perfection and this image just skimmed at her perfection.
As for Amelia and her body, people saw a healthy figure, she had the breasts and the bum proportional to her body frame, all Amelia saw was skinny, gaunt looking skin and bones with two scars demanding attention, one scar decorated her lower abdomen, it was a long one and it was flat, it wasn't raised and it was fading, visible but she wasn't too conscious about it whereas the second was a little higher, this was raised a little and even though there was no pain when she touched it, it made her physically sick. Again another mystery, no idea where it came from or why it repulsed her.
Placing her belongings on the sand, she passed her hands through her hair and tied it up in a loose bun before heading in to the water, she had passed on surfing instead she went for a swim, as the water washed over her body, a coolness spread over her body and she let the water lap around her. There was something about the water, it exuded calmness, like paradise amongst earth, the suns reflection hitting the water and displaying beautiful hues of greens and blues, she appreciated the water for its true beauty but unbeknown to Amelia she was never a fan of it, but that was something that she wouldn't know, ever, because life was a funny thing, whether it's in our control or not, we have an idea where we come from or where we want to be, walking through life we have moments which touch our lives and which we wish to cherish forever, but for Amelia the story panned out differently, as far as she could remember she had been consumed by sadness, a feeling of loneliness which never leaves, it was like she had never lived and this stopped her from moving on into the future. The future for Amelia was a comical thing, how can you look forward to tomorrow when the past and the present don't exist, how can she think of tomorrow when she hasn't even seen yesterday. All she knew was that she had no feelings, no emotions but this gaping hole in her chest which slowly was consuming the rest of her body into an abyss. Her life was a life she wished no one would ever go through.
-x-
Brax, a man who never gave up, it just wasn't in his nature, even if it wasn't in his control he was a man who would try and make it right, he would risk himself just to protect family. Today was no different, when the purpose of everything he ever did, every deal he ever made, every man he hurt or women, he didn't regret any of it because it was necessary, his actions meant that he protected the two most important people in his life, his brothers, he gave them the stability they needed without the foundation of parents. Today a different threat imposed and once again Brax was doing what he does best, regardless of his tumultuous relationship with Heath, they disagreed on most things but when he needed him, Brax was there.
This time Brax found himself in the middle of the ocean, sharing a boat with the psychotic son of a man he believed to be his savior; and a brother he had just recently discovered. The boat continued forward and Brax could see the dinghy that Kyle had mentioned however it bobbed furiously side to side that it was impossible to make out whether there was someone laying in it or not.
Brax normally had patience; he always did things after thinking them through. Everything had a reason and he liked to figure this out before he made rash decisions. Feeling like an eternity, it felt like the boat wasn't moving and they were getting farther away from the dinghy rather than closer, today Brax's patience was tested, instead of waiting for the boat to near, he pulled of his shirt leaving his back exposed to the sun, without hesitation, he jumped into the sea and began to swim closer to the yellow and white dinghy. He heard the cutting off of an engine and he knew Kyle had stopped the boat.
Brax shuddered at the temperature of the water as his body adjusted to it. He pushed his body harder so he could reach quicker, a heavy weight on him which he couldn't make out whether it was the water around him or the emotional weight, the feeling of not knowing what to expect. As he reached the dinghy, gripping the side; nothing could have prepared him for what he saw. Pulling himself up so he could get a better look in, Brax was faced with nothing, not an inkling of life, nor a clue that someone was stranded on the boat. There was nothing!
-x-
After what felt like ages, Amelia made her way back to her belongings, drying herself she popped on a kaftan and walked towards her car. As she turned the key and the car came to life, turning a few dials, pressing a few buttons and the radio blared as she set of on her short journey, upon arriving she parked her car in the car park provided, in her normal slot, before walking the short distance towards the building, she walked around the twining pathway up towards the main entrance, pressing the intercom and then inserting her card for entry, as she pulled the door open and walked inside, turning right she then walked up the corridor towards her room, passing a few people and out of courtesy she smiled at them. Standing outside her apartment door she inserted the key hearing it click and she walked inside her apartment. Amelia's life was always like this, on autopilot, never paying attention to anything like how Mr Saunders from the apartment across the road was always hanging around to get a glimpse of Marjorie, the hot grandma who most of the time displayed her flexible yoga techniques in the garden area, or how the apartment next to her had just welcomed a new baby, Amelia was unaware of all this, she just kept herself to herself whilst the world passed around her. A world where she didn't know why she existed.
Sitting down on the couch after her shower and making herself a snack, Amelia picked up the brochure in front of her, emblazoned in white script it read 'Discover Australia'. Amelia hadn't gone out specially to pick up this brochure and she had never realised how little she had seen of the country she was supposedly have been brought up in, the brochure landed coincidently on her doorstep one morning alongside her monthly bills and junk mail, she had thrown it aside and it had laid next to her cooking magazines for months collecting dust before she had noticed it again. One night wanting to be spontaneous and cooking something more adventurous than her quick microwave meal or beans on toast, but Amelia had gone to bed hungry that night because instead of cooking she had ended up looking through the brochure, she had flicked through the whole thing and her fingers flicked to page 46 again and again. A double page spread, the backdrop a pristine beach area looking over the sea, a periodic sea plane and boat passing over the water and the sun shining making it all look heavenly and peaceful, it was a place called 'summerbay'. There was something about it that kept drawing her back to the same page, there was something drawing her in, Australia was a vast country but why was this particular place so inviting. The one thing that played on her mind was these two images she had, one of the girl and another of a place, she could never picture this place in the daylight or when she was awake but she had dreamt of it many a times. In her dreams it felt so real, it wasn't a figure of her imagination, the feel, the sounds, the smell, everything about it felt so real, in her dream she always sees herself walking towards the south end of the beach, as she nears the noise changes, the waves are more violent, there is a shadow casted over the rocks, and its slightly chillier and darker here no matter what time of the day it is. However for Amelia there was a sort of tranquility, like this place had some hidden secret. Amelia didn't know whether she believed in signs but for some reason something was telling her that the question that loomed over her head, all the answers would be found if she went to this place, maybe this place held the key to who she was, maybe this place had something to do with the girl, maybe this place was where she would find herself, all she had to do was take the chance. After all it was only a couple hours away and what was the worst that could happen? She would return with nothing which is a familiar feeling or maybe she would find answers. Was it worth taking the chance for?
-x-
The sun had settled away for the night, the waves had started to crash violently, after much persuasion Brax, Kyle and Jamie had come back to the bay, Heath nowhere to be found.
Brax sat in his restaurant, standing on the balcony watching out to the water, not knowing how to feel, what were these chain of events? For someone who had so much control over his life, he dictated what happened, if he said no, it was no, if he said yes it was yes. However things had spiraled out of control, and for some reason his heart ached because all this started to happen after a certain time in his life. He lost a nephew and however troubled his relationship with his father was, he had lost him, and now he might have lost a brother and amidst all this he had lost Natalie, his girlfriend, someone he had started to learn to have feelings for but in all this his mind casted back to the one person he had gained and lost which had the biggest impact on his life. Brax's eyes averted away from the water, lost in thought his eyes then fell on the inking on his left hand; burning into his hand he studied the scripture for a minute before he stroked the words with his right thumb, the Gaelic phrase translating to 'friend of my heart'. His body shuddered at the immensity of the words, a gaping hole in the shape of her left behind.
Today a whole year since she was shot and a whole year since he had walked into Leah's house, he couldn't remember the conversation word by word but he could play the scene in his head clearly. It was not a dream or something he imagined, it was real. Her lying in cold blood was real, her motionless body was real, and her dying was real.
It was unfair to say but since he met her his life had just taken a new direction, yes he felt this new emotion, love, it was a different context to loving his mother or brothers but he had felt it but was it worth it. All he could think of was maybe if he hadn't met her then maybe he would still be panning out his own fate.
No matter how much he tried to forget her it wasn't possible.
Sometimes all he wished was to hear her voice, to be able to hear his name roll of her lips easily, whether it was in angst or whether it was soft and husky like she would say when making love. She had made Brax sound like the most elegant exquisite name ever when in actual fact it wasn't. Closing his eyes, he could feel the forever present water layer behind his eyelids try to break the defenses and break free, he had learnt how to control his emotions and it was not so easy for the tears to escape. It didn't mean he had learnt to be without her, it meant he was trying not to let her affect him.
Allowing her image to whizz through his head, he tried to concentrate on the gentle lapping of the water instead of the menial chit chat coming from the restaurant or the faint cry of a baby, all in all he was trying to block everything, and then a voice so crisp, so recognizable, travelled through the air spreading itself until it reached his ear and past his outer ear and settled into his head, even in a million voices that voice he would recognize anywhere. Pushing the tears back once again, confining them behind his eyelids, Brax opened his eyes slowly, scuffing his hand on the balcony railings before he heard it again,
''could I get a coke please''
He couldn't help but chuckle to himself, out of everything he wanted to hear, he imagined her asking for a coke.
-x-
Amelia had always talked herself out of this stupid idea many times but today she took the plunge, she packed bare essentials, not that she had much and decided to drive to summer bay and see what this place held. Entering her car she tapped into the navigation an address for a restaurant, in the brochure it said it was one of the finest places to eat in the bay, named 'Angelo's'. She thought her best bet was to go there eat and then retreat to the nearby caravan park and spend a few nights at this location.
Two hours and sixteen minutes later, Amelia pulled up her car in the car park, pulling up alongside a black Ute, she stared at it for a few minutes, it was crazy but she was overworking her mind, trying to conjure a story, make links but the silly thing was she didn't know what she was linking. She was so adamant that there was something about this place that she needed it to be true.
Stepping out of the car and walking towards the fencing staring out at the sea, the sun had gone down and sea now dark and turbulent almost like it was hiding a deep secret beneath its murky waters lay in front of her. Gone was the hustle and bustle of a beach instead an emptiness conveyed in different directions, and all Amelia could do was try to remember, try to picture a scene, a summer, a picnic, building sandcastles, try to remember anything that made this place familiar but no avail.
Turning around and looking at the surroundings she noticed various little tin roofed cabins and then around the corner she could see a surf club, if her memory served her well, (not that it ever had) then the restaurant was inside of the surf club, as she neared it and opened the doors, for the first time in all that she could remember of her existence Amelia felt something other than emptiness, it wasn't a nice feeling what she felt now, it was heavy, in the pit of her stomach, but it was different which Amelia had never felt.
Scanning her surroundings, like any other surf club there was different people dotted around, being the reserved type not sure who to approach she then noticed a man sat under a set of steps, he smiled at her, walking up to him, she felt her hands go clammy and nerves taking over but she still went up to him and almost inaudibly greeted him with a lousy ''hi''
He chuckled before speaking,
''hi, new around here?'' he asked straight to the point,
Not making eye contact she replied,
''yes, could you please direct me to Angelo's''
He didn't speak this time instead he just directed his thumb over his shoulder towards the steps, understanding instantly that it was upstairs, Amelia gave him a smile before walking towards the steps.
''by the way I am Adam, I might see you up there later'' there was something about the way he spoke, it was creepy but could Amelia really judge a person on a few words or was she reading too much into this man's sincerity.
Walking to the bar she felt like the whole place turned to look at her, maybe it was because she was new but it made her uncomfortable, she never had been the main attraction anywhere so it felt weird, hurrying her steps she sat on the bar stool, slightly angled so her back was towards the outside the balcony area, after waiting a few minutes until someone was free to take her order, she simply said
''could I have a coke please''
-x-