Christine Chapel was sitting at her desk when the Captain blew into Sick Bay. Kirk walked halfway to the CMO's office then stopped. She spun on her heel and made her way to the nurse. Christine stood to attention but Jim waved her off and handed her a PADD.
"Is he here? Did you know about this?"
"Captain, I really think that you-"
"No! Did you know about this?"
Christine blanched. "He really didn't tell you? He's in his office."
Kirk grabbed the PADD back and stormed towards McCoy's office. Without knocking, she opened the door and threw the PADD on his desk. The doctor bristled and opened his mouth, prepared to yell at whatever idiot burst into his door, but softened when he saw Jim.
"Hello Jim."
"Don't you 'Jim' me. What the hell is this?" she pointed at the PADD. "You're asking for a transfer?!"
McCoy sighed and ran a hand over his hair. "Have a seat Jim."
Kirk's eyes narrowed. "I'd rather stand, thank you. Explain."
"Jim, I've been asked to be the head of surgery at Starfleet Medical, and I'm going to take it. The transfer request is only a formality."
It felt like all the breath in her body was forced out and she all but collapsed into the offered chair. "But why, Bones? You hate the amount of paperwork you have to do here as CMO, but at least you get to practice medicine. As a bureaucrat, you'll never pick up a tricorder again and the paperwork will be never ending."
"Joanna. She'll be in the Academy in the Fall, and I can finally be there for her." He looked her in the eye, and if he hadn't known her for a near decade the change in her would be imperceptible. Kirk's eyes dimmed slightly and her shoulders went ridged, but it was her voice that worried him most.
"Alright, Doctor," she said in a brittle voice. "Don't worry, you've got your transfer." She retrieved the PADD from his desk and left.
McCoy called after her, but by the time he reached the door to his office Kirk had virtually disappeared. He saw Chapel staring at him and asked her where Kirk had gone.
Chapel's eyes were as harsh as her voice. "She's gone, sir. Sometimes I don't understand you, Doctor. You claim to be her best friend, but then you go and request a transfer without informing her before she got the paperwork? Even for you, that's cold."
In any other circumstance, Chapel would have received a reprimand for the unwanted advice and her tone. When his shoulders sagged and he dropped his eyes to the floor, she knew how badly he felt. He pressed a button on her desk computer. "Computer, locate Captain Kirk."
Request denied. Captain Kirk has disabled location queries.
Chapel raised an eyebrow and placed a hand on his shoulder. McCoy looked ill. "Computer, locate Captain Kirk. Medical override McCoy 11Gamma23Sigma."
Request denied.
"Dammit, Jim. Where are you?" he muttered. McCoy sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
Chapel stood from her chair and maneuvered the doctor into it. "Let me try," she said when he opened his mouth to protest. "Computer, locate Captain Kirk. Medical override Chapel Alpha5Tango62."
Captain Kirk is in Engineering Level 3.
McCoy swore under his breath. Chapel turned to him and gave him an appraising look.
"When did she learn my medical overrides?" he asked.
"Shut up and go."
"When I get back we're going to have a talk about this."
"Go." She pulled him out of the chair and shoved him at the door.
McCoy's mind ran in circles as he made his way to Engineering. For the life of him, he could not understand the severity of Kirk's reaction. Yes, he'd be leaving her without a CMO, but he wouldn't be leaving her completely high and dry. He'd made some vid calls and found three Starfleet doctors that he found competent enough to take on the job. His only concern had been exactly how willing they had been. Apparently, Jim's Academy legend lived on.
He also wasn't going to end their friendship, if that was what she was worried about. Of course, they wouldn't see each other on a day to day basis like they were used to, but they'd discussed this possibility before the Nerada incident. While cadets, they understood the likelihood that they'd be posted on different assignments and had made a deal to contact each other at least once a week. She certainly knew him well enough to know he never reneged on a deal. Didn't she?
All too soon, McCoy reached Engineering and headed for Scott's office. He still was working out what he'd say to her when he found Scotty staring at him with a look that definitely questioned McCoy's intelligence.
Without a word, Scotty nodded to him and lead him through the maze of engines and access control panels. McCoy wondered idly if he'd ever make it back out. Scotty led him to a dead end pathway with only a Jeffries tube leading upwards. The engineer turned to him. "Be gentle with her, doctor. She's more than a wee bit upset and I don't need her tinkering with things to work out her feelings." Then he left.
McCoy looked up the tube and sighed. "Here goes nothing."
At the end of his climb, McCoy climbed into a loft like area with a large window looking at the universe. Kirk sat on the floor with her back to him, knees brought up to her chest. McCoy made his way to her and mirrored her pose on the floor, looking out of the window. He noticed her shoulders become rigid.
"I never knew this place existed," he said, breaking the tense silence between them.
Kirk glanced at him sideways. "I come up here when I need to clear my head. You can feel the engines through the floor." After a beat she added, "She calms me."
More silence fell between them. God, he hated small talk. "Look, Jim, if it's finding a new CMO that's bothering you, I've got a couple for you to look at. I'm not going to leave you without options."
He realized too late that was the wrong thing to say. Kirk jumped up and fixed him with a glare so harsh he thought he might actually be injured by it.
"Is that what you think?" she scoffed. "Doctor, I told you. You'll get your transfer, whether or not you have a replacement by the time you leave."
"Then what's wrong, Jim?"
Kirk paced the length of the room. McCoy watched as she slowly transitioned from anger to a sort of resignation. She looked out the window and, in a voice so quiet McCoy nearly missed it, she said, "What about me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Have you given any thought to what I'm going to do without you?" She put a hand up. "Not about the CMO crap. That's not what I mean and you know it. Since I met you, you've helped keep me sane. You've patched me up, gave me advice, and shipped me off again ready to face the galaxy. You've been my moral compass. Hell, Leonard, you've been my… my gravity."
At his silence, she began to pace again. "I'm not a selfish woman. Really, I'm not. I've never asked for more than you could give. From day one, I knew that all I could expect from you was friendship, and I was perfectly fine with that. And then you snuck me onto the ship and it's because of you that I am where I am!"
McCoy scoffed at that. "Jim-"
"No, let me finish. It's true. Without you, I'd have been shipped back to Iowa, dishonorably discharged and back to bar crawling and petty theft. You saved me, really, and I've grown to depend on you, but I never knew how much until I got that PADD this morning. " She paused to catch her breath. "And now I'm losing the one thing I could depend on come hell or high water and there's nothing I can do about it."
She laughed a little and began pacing again. "We've been doing this dance for a decade now, Leonard. Forgive me, but it's going to be difficult to go cold turkey."
McCoy grabbed her hand and stood, effectively blocking her path. "Jim, what dance are you talking about?"
Kirk looked at the hands between them. "Don't insult me by acting like you don't know. The dance where I've been in love with you and you pretend not to see it so we tip-toe around the issue."
McCoy was stunned. How stupid could he have been not to see that? He tried to bite back a chuckle, but failed. Kirk pulled her hand from his and backed away. McCoy could have slapped himself.
"Now it makes sense. Chapel and Scotty's reactions." He shook his head and walked toward her.
"Damn, I must have been the only one who didn't see it."
Kirk matched him, step for step, backing away until she hit the wall. McCoy closed the distance between them. "Jim, look at me. I'm still a little lost. You love me?"
She stubbornly refused to meet his eyes. "Just drop it, Leonard. Please. What's said is said, let's move on."
"No. You don't proposition me, you flirt with everyone with two legs and some with more. Except me." He pulled her chin up to look in her eyes. "And you never call me 'Doctor' or 'Leonard', so what's the deal?"
"What difference does it make, what I call you? You're leaving, you've decided. And who am I to stand between a man and his family. Like I said, I'm not selfish."
"Jim."
"And I never flirted with you or propositioned you because you're different. I don't want one night with you. I want a lifetime." She pulled away from him. "But I know that I can't have it."
Kirk slid away from McCoy and started to walk away, but McCoy grabbed her hand and pulled her back to him. He smoothed her hair and stared at her as if looking at her for the first time. "You love me," he murmured. He wiped a tear off of her cheek, and leaned in.
When she was a child, her grandmother Kirk would tell her fairy tales about magical kisses that could change circumstances. This kiss was magical, but she was an adult now. No kiss could change this circumstance. He was leaving, and she'd be alone. She pushed at his chest. When they broke, she was crying openly and he looked pained.
McCoy barked a laugh and shook his head. "God, Jim, we have the worst timing, don't we? Well, I don't know about you, but I need a drink. I've got some of that Saurian brandy in my office." He moved to the Jeffries tube and held out a hand. "Come with me?"
Kirk looked uncertain, biting her lip, before taking his hand. "Yeah."
Minutes later, they sat on opposite sides of his desk, each nursing their drinks. They sat in silence once more, although this was much less tense.
"Jim-"
"Leonard-"
They both laughed, and McCoy waved for her to continue. She swallowed nervously. "You're still leaving, aren't you?"
He stared into his drink, turning the glass in his hands. "I have to, Jim. Joanna's fifteen now. According to the custody agreement, she's in control now. If I want to have a relationship with my daughter outside of letters and vid calls, this is it."
Kirk nodded and downed the rest of her brandy. "Of course. You have to." She stood to leave. "It's late, and I'm due for a conference call with Starfleet in the morning. Goodnight, Doctor."
The door closed before he could return the phrase. He threw back the brandy and slammed the glass on his desk. This morning he was set in his decision and then Jim had to throw a wrench in his plans like always. He had no other option. None. Joanna came first, she always did and always would. But Jim was Jim, and only she could make him debate this decision.
Kirk took a back path to her quarters from Sickbay, not wanting to meet the crowds during shift change. She punched in her code and entered. As she changed for bed, Kirk looked hard at her reflection. What she saw was, despite all her claims earlier, a selfish woman. A selfish woman who wanted to be chosen first for once, but she wasn't stupid either. She knew Joanna would always and should always come first for McCoy. She also knew that she'd always be second.
The glass shattering took her by surprise as did the pain in her fist. She looked at her hand and saw a large shard of glass sticking out of the knuckles of her pointer and middle fingers. The door to her quarters opened.
"Dammit, woman, what did you do?" McCoy. He always knew.
"I punched the mirror."
"I can see that. Why?"
"I lied. I am selfish. And I hate myself for it."
McCoy blew out his breath sharply. He reached in a cabinet for a medical kit he kept stashed for occasions when Kirk was too stubborn to go to Sickbay. He gave her a pain hypo and something that numbed her hand. Practiced hands removed the glass and ran a dermal regenerator, sealing the cuts. He wiped off the blood and turned to clean up the glass. When he was finished, he put up the kit and sat on the edge of her bed. She watched him all the while.
"Why did you come by, Leonard?"
"I had an idea. I'll have to run it by a few folks, but it might solve this," he waved a hand between them.
She waited for him to continue, and when he didn't she prompted him.
"If Chapel will agree to it, Joanna might be able to do her training here. On the Enterprise. It's not unheard of for Starfleet children to train on starships, as long as they don't train under family."
Kirk nodded. "Conflict of interest. But, are you sure? I mean, as much as I try, it's not always the safest here."
"I know that!" He sighed. "I know that, but Joanna's a bit like you. Brilliant and hates rules and regulations, so the Academy won't be a walk in the park. And here I can keep an eye on her and continue to practice medicine, as you so thoughtfully pointed out earlier."
Kirk smiled. "So you're not leaving?"
"Not if I can help it. Like you said, who the hell else is going to keep you and that pointy eared bastard out of trouble?"
She walked to him and laid a hand on his chest. "You know, you never really answered me earlier." McCoy raised an eyebrow. "When I said 'I love you' earlier? You never answered me."
He reached up and stroked her hair. With his free hand, he cupped her face. "Does it really need saying?"
"Uhmm, yeah. It kinda does."
"Yes you idiot. I've loved you from day one. We were dancing alright, just to two different tunes." He laughed and then kissed her softly.