Sometimes they have bad days. On occasion it stems from a fight between them, but every now and then it's simply something extrinsic that puts them in a bad mood.
Surprisingly, or perhaps unsurprisingly, volleyball is often the reason silence settles between them.
They're still playing together, after all these years. They're still on the same team; they're still the freak duo; they're still them. But the same problems still exist.
Now that they're playing at a higher level, their opponents are becoming more skilled as well. Hinata, like before, wants to try new things. He wants to find ways that'll advance him even more, and he wants to be known on the court for being unpredictable. Kageyama? Not so much. He prefers to refine the techniques and skills they already have. He thinks it'd be a waste to start something new without perfecting the old. Normally, this difference doesn't matter a lot—they reach compromises. If Hinata practices a specific attack with Kageyama, he'll try out the ideas Hinata has. But it isn't always that easy.
The loss of one particular tournament leaves them heartbroken and devastated. They had trained so hard, and they had gotten so close, but victory was taken away before they could even taste it. They head back to their gym in silence, going over every play, every move, every thing about the match. They know there is nothing they can do about it now, but damn, they really thought they had it this time.
Beneath all that though, they're filled with the desire to get better, to get stronger, and to win. It's going to be a new season soon, and now that they're on break it gives them ample time to prepare. Their coach allows them a week to do whatever they need to get themselves back to normal before starting practice again. Two days of that week pass before Kageyama and Hinata start their own training sessions.
They were going to try go the whole week without volleyball, and they tried shifting their focus to something else, but their hands kept itching to feel the ball underneath them. They spent the first day lounging in bed together, the weight of the loss still fresh on their minds. It's not as difficult now that they have each other, Kageyama runs his fingers through Hinata's hair, and Hinata traces circles on the small of Kageyama's back, but they usually still need a day of wallowing. By the start of the second day, they start getting restless. Any negative emotions are mostly gone now, and it's hard to push back the urge of playing volleyball. They had each come up with new strategies and ideas that would hopefully mean they won't lose next time, so they were eager to try them out. Hinata breaks first, and it takes a lot of tugging at Kageyama's sleeve and whining, but eventually he relents to going to the gym tomorrow.
They start practice off the way they always do after losing—they hit volleyballs as hard as they can, they run around the gym, they scream their lungs out. Once that's out of their system, they sit down together in the middle for a strategy meeting. And that's where things start going downhill.
Kageyama wants to work on the attack that lost them the match. He feels resentful just thinking about it, because despite everyone else saying otherwise, he blames himself for what happened. So, he wants to perfect the move, and he wants to make it so that the ball will be unstoppable. When he shares this, Hinata sends him a soft smile, because he knows how it feels, but then he shakes his head and says he doesn't agree.
Hinata says that clearly, since that was what cost them the match, they should move on. He's thought of a new attack, one that's similar to their old one, but hopefully more effective. He says that if they want to surprise their opponents, if they want to make sure the other team puts up a fight, they have to be innovative. They can't always be doing the same things.
They go back and forth like that for a while, and then, perhaps due to a buildup of emotion, of frustration and stress and guilt, Hinata has a slip of the tongue.
"You haven't changed at all. You're still holding back, and you're holding me back. Why? Are you jealous? Are you afraid that I will surpass you?" He jumps back as soon as he says it, shocked he even thought of the words, but the damage has been done. Kageyama stares at him like he's an entirely different person, like the person before him is not his boyfriend, not someone he's been with through thick and thin. Kageyama turns and walks towards the door, and Hinata is still too frozen to stop him.
"You haven't either. And you're being selfish again." Kageyama doesn't look back once, despite his heart tugging at him to. Hinata's words felt like a volleyball to the head, and he knows they were just said in the moment, but it's something he's been insecure about before. He does pause before he steps out though, because he wants to be a bit selfish too. "Like I said all those years ago, we shouldn't waste time on practicing an attack we're not even sure you can do. And I still won't set to someone who will miss." Then he leaves.
Hinata's left in a gym too big for himself, and he stares at the space Kageyama was just standing for a moment longer before collapsing onto his back. Idiot, he berates himself, as he starts to feel hot tears. Idiot, idiot, idiot.
When Hinata doesn't come home right away Kageyama is worried. He hates himself for it, he tells himself he should be mad, but that doesn't stop him from feeling concerned. He keeps glancing at the door every five minutes, and checks his phone for any new notifications. He gives up after an hour, because he has things to do, and he can't bring himself to contact Hinata first.
Hinata leaves the gym after training by himself. He wasn't ready to face Kageyama so soon, he hadn't thought of what to say yet, and he still really wanted to hit a volleyball. He started off with drills, seeing how many times he could dig and set the ball without it dropping, and then he began to spike. He would throw the ball upwards so it fell to where Kageyama would normally pass it, and then run up to hit it down to the other side. It wasn't successful all the time, and it was nowhere near as satisfactory as an actual spike, and Hinata realises volleyball is best when Kageyama is there with him. He misses him, so he starts to head home.
The sound of the lock turning has Kageyama snapping his head around. He wants to say something, but Hinata looks weary, and he has his head down, so he waits. He watches as Hinata gets settled back home, and fights against every fibre in his being wanting him to go to him.
Hinata misses Kageyama, and there was a fluttering in his stomach as he opened the door, but he can't bring himself to face him. He feels like he'll cry if he sees Kageyama's face, so he doesn't look up. In his peripheral vision he sees Kageyama stand up, setting down a book he must've been reading, but he still doesn't look up. He takes off his shoes, drops off the gym bag, then goes to shower. Kageyama feels like it's gotten colder, suddenly, and he feels stuck to the spot, but he forces himself to go and pack their gym bag away.
Kageyama thinks it's going to be something that just blows over after a while, but he gets the biggest indication something is wrong when Hinata doesn't come to his room that night. They have two rooms in their apartment, because they need a space where they can get away from any distractions, but Hinata rarely sleeps there. He will always join Kageyama in his bed, draping himself over the taller boy. At first Kageyama didn't like it. He didn't hate it, but growing up as an only child he didn't know what it was like to share a bed with someone. Hinata had just followed him into his room, jumped into his bed like it was his own, and lay his arm across Kageyama's chest. He made it look so natural, as if it was something they had done before, and Kageyama felt as if he was missing something. He stayed up for a long time that night, hyperaware of where he made contact with Hinata, feeling the falling and rising of his chest. He was afraid that if he moved he would wake him, and then he berated Hinata in his head for doing something like this. After he woke up with Hinata in his arms though, he got over it pretty quickly, relishing in the warmth. Ever since then they've always gone to bed together. Until today.
Hinata isn't going to share a bed with Kageyama tonight. He decides this during dinner, when he notices Kageyama will barely look him in the eye. He realises he messed up badly, and he doesn't want to make it worse. It's also a punishment for himself, in a way. He doesn't deserve to be held by Kageyama after hurting him like that. Hinata can't sleep without holding something, but he could make do with a pillow. He had done so for so many years, after all.
It's the first time either of them sleeps alone in forever, and they barely get any rest at all. Their beds are too cold, too big, too empty. They feel like strangers in their own home, and to each other as well.
They like to think they've matured over the years. They're not as reckless, they're focusing on things other than volleyball, and they don't really get into physical fights anymore. But if what takes its place is plain silence, does that really make them any better?
When the week ends their silent fight still hasn't been resolved. They aren't talking verbally, but that doesn't mean communication has stopped altogether. They're incredibly in sync, and that continues even if they aren't speaking to each other. They still cook for the other and eat with them, and they do things like washing the dishes together or watching television together. They still care for each other more than anything, but the silence between them is beginning to feel familiar.
They've also still been playing volleyball, but separately. There had been a few awkward moments where one of them went to the gym while the other was there, but they sorted it out by sticking to one half of the court each. Today's the first time they're going to the gym together since that day, and it's also the first time they'll attempt playing together since losing the tournament.
Their teammates shout cheery greetings when they enter, and they try to reply with the same amount of energy, but anyone can tell something is wrong. Kageyama and Hinata are standing distances apart—a stark contrast to the usual linked arms or hand holding. They don't question it though, and start their training.
As it turns out, the reason Hinata and Kageyama may still be in sync at home is because they've lost all synchronisation in volleyball. Kageyama's sets aren't reaching Hinata, but when they do, Hinata can't seem to get the timing right. They brush it off, saying it's just been a while, and they ignore the concerned glances everyone shoots them. They will return to normal, they promise, it'll be fine in no time.
It isn't. The fight continues to affect their practices and they're lucky they don't have any tournaments soon. Coach pulled them aside a few days ago, scolding them for not having their heads in the game first, and then gently telling them that they should sort through whatever was going on. He said it was throwing off the team dynamic, but everyone knows how much affection they have for the other and believes they can get through this. Upon seeing the two boys blush and turn their heads away, he chuckled. He then told them they were going to be paired with different people until that happens, and walked away after giving them each a pat on the shoulder.
Even after their coach talked to them, and even after many teammates spoke some not-so-subtle encouraging words, they haven't worked anything out. And it's killing them, not talking to the other, but they're too stubborn to make the first move. Until one afternoon—Kageyama has his sleeves rolled up and is in the kitchen while Hinata lounges on the couch in a jumper too big for him—when Kageyama decides he can't take it anymore.
"I'm not jealous." Hinata almost falls off the couch after turning so quickly, but Kageyama's words seemed so loud in their now-quiet apartment it shocked him. "I am, however, afraid. I'm afraid I'm not good enough for you. You're always wanting to move forwards. To go higher, higher, higher, and I am scared that I'll be left behind."
Hinata stays still for a moment afterwards, just watching Kageyama. It's not that they don't ever talk about feelings, but because they're always bickering and moving at a fast pace there's never really a time for it. And it never seemed to matter, but Hinata guesses it does now since Kageyama has had all this bottled up inside for who knows how long. He mentally makes a note to tell Kageyama how volleyball wouldn't be the same without him there, and tells himself that he should remind Kageyama how important he is to him, because this past week of not being with him, not being able to touch or even talk to him, was painful. He looks at this boy who means the world to him, who has laid his heart out to him, and reminds himself to apologise profusely and make up for his words afterwards.
Kageyama has his arms extended and palms pushing against the edge of the countertop, hanging his head, with his bangs obscuring his view. He's glad for it, because tears are forming, and he doesn't want Hinata to see. He wanted to be stubborn and hold out, wait for Hinata to say something first, but he couldn't take it anymore. He regrets it now, and he feels embarrassed, because he's never been good at sharing emotions. He's still hiding behind his hair, so it means he misses Hinata getting off the couch, and moving carefully until he's right beside him. When he finally notices, he remains still, because this is the closest he's been to Hinata in more than a week, and he doesn't want Hinata to move away. So of course, Hinata ducks under Kageyama's arms and pulls him into a tight hug.
"I'm not going anywhere." And the tears begin to fall.
The thing about having been with someone for so long, especially during what is deemed the best years of your life, is that you know the ins-and-outs of everything. It means that sometimes you might need a break from the other, even though they may not.
A widely known fact about Hinata is that he's a social butterfly. Always has been. He likes hanging out in big groups, he likes a loud and lively atmosphere. He loves meeting new people and making new friends. So when they joined their new team, he was ecstatic. Naturally, he got along with them really well right off the bat. A lot of the older members treat him like a little brother, always ruffling his hair when they walk by, patting him on the head after he makes a great play.
Kageyama is on good terms with their teammates as well, but their dynamics are different. Kageyama has never been too great at creating and maintaining casual relationships, he places his older teammates on a pedestal, almost, and he's still just… bad, socially. Granted, he's improved a lot since Hinata, but he's still not always comfortable. His older teammates still think of him as a younger sibling though, it's something he's long used to by now—he never feels like an only child anymore.
Their volleyball team often go out together. Some are 'official', like celebratory dinners or team building exercises organised by their coaches, but they usually just get together on their own volition to hang out and have fun. Everyone is invited, always, but it's not compulsory to go. The first few times Hinata and Kageyama went together, holding onto the other's hand like a lifeline, nervous to be spending leisure time with their new team. And then, as they got more familiar with everything, Kageyama got less enthusiastic. It's not that he doesn't want to go, but there are things he's more comfortable with doing at home.
Hinata argues with Kageyama and manages to drag him out a few more times, telling him it's not as fun without him, and that they can have their own fun afterwards. Kageyama's mind wanders, and his face heats up. He knows Hinata didn't mean that, but he can't help it. Hinata must've thought about it too, since he's now laughing at Kageyama, which leads to him shoving the shorter boy and telling him to get his mind out of the gutter. Hinata smirks, because Kageyama didn't say anything else, which means he's going to go.
That happens a few times before Kageyama firmly starts saying no. The truth is, he was starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. He knows he's awkward sometimes, is more aware of it now compared to when he was younger, so at a certain point he starts feeling like he's intruding rather than contributing. There are times when he won't get a joke, even after it's been explained to him, and although no one says anything, when they move on he can't help but think that the others don't like being with him. He doesn't stop Hinata though, even after he insisted he would stay at home with him, because he's his own person and can do whatever he wants.
When Kageyama stops going with Hinata to the outings, it's honestly a bit refreshing. That's not to say Hinata doesn't want to be around Kageyama, because he does, all the time, but it's a different experience without him there. He has been partners with Kageyama since their first year in high school, and they've been dating for almost just as long. They're living together too, so Kageyama is very much a constant in his life. It feels a bit weird being without his other half, but Hinata still has just as much fun, although there are moments where he'll turn around to say something to Kageyama, or to go wrap himself around him, only to realise he isn't there. He doesn't try to convince Kageyama though, because he understands. Kageyama just wants some time to himself, and social events can be a bit much for him.
The thing is, even though they never established a 'date night', they always did something together around the same time at regular intervals. So when Hinata starts going out on these nights as well, that's when Kageyama starts getting worried. He suddenly thinks that Hinata must be bored with him, because he doesn't seem to want to spend time together if it's just the two of them. And then, the thought that Hinata wants a new partner enters his mind, and he feels stupid. Because of course Hinata would get tired of him, of course he would rather someone as outgoing as him, of course Kageyama hasn't changed enough. But if Hinata pairs with a new setter, then who would Kageyama go with? No one receives his sets as well as his boyfriend does, and no one else will probably trust him as much as his boyfriend does. This makes Kageyama want to cry, because Hinata seriously means a lot to him, even if he doesn't know how to show it all the time. His opinion also means most, so Kageyama starts retreating in on himself, thinking this—distance—is what Hinata wants.
Hinata was reluctant to go out on nights where he usually did something with Kageyama, but he figures it won't be that big of a deal since they never made it an official thing. He notices Kageyama keeping to himself a lot, but doesn't bother him about it, thinking he just needs some space. When he notices Kageyama looking a lot more dejected than usual, though, that's when he does something. Because although Kageyama isn't as bubbly or lively as Hinata, he still has a lot of energy and passion. So when his movements become duller, when his serves don't go swoosh like before, Hinata knows something isn't right.
"Hey," Hinata plops down in front of Kageyama on the couch and places his head on the taller boy's propped up knees. "Movie night tonight?"
There's this tilt of the head Hinata always does when he asks a question, and Kageyama has always found it incredibly cute. He has to try very hard to resist it now, because he still doesn't particularly want to face Hinata. He is so distracted by Hinata's expression though, and forgets to respond entirely, still mesmerised until Hinata snaps him out of it.
"Is something wrong?" Hinata sits back a bit, since it doesn't seem like Kageyama wants to talk to him, although he doesn't know why. It makes his heart clench a little, because Kageyama should feel comfortable sharing anything with him. He frowns when Kageyama doesn't reply again, and he starts to move away because the way Kageyama won't look at him hurts. What makes him turn back though, is the sound of Kageyama's voice, smaller than he's ever heard.
"Why are you here?" Kageyama knows he isn't being fair, but he also thinks Hinata can't just waltz back in like this and pretend everything is okay. He probably should've worded his question better though, because Hinata suddenly tears up and Kageyama feels like he's the worst person in the world. He sits up so he can wipe Hinata's eyes, but when Hinata dodges, his arm is left hanging by his side.
"I don't—what is going on, Kageyama? You're making it sound like I'm at fault here but I haven't done anything wrong! I have given you your space; I've tried to show you that I'm here for you if you need. So please, just tell me. Do you not want me anymore? Is that it?" Hinata is full on crying now, and he hates it, he hates being weak in front of Kageyama. He had been trying to push his insecurities away; he told himself that their relationship hadn't changed; but when your boyfriend will barely look you in the eye, how could things still be the same?
"Wh—no? It's not—" Kageyama has no clue what to say, because Hinata crying is making him anxious, and his words were a shock to his system. Hinata means more and more to him every single day, and he wouldn't trade him even if it meant he'd become the best volleyball player in the world, so he doesn't know how Hinata could feel that way. He decides to go with the truth, because he's afraid anything else will create more confusion. "I thought you got tired of me. You were always going out with our team, which I was fine with, but then you started going out on date nights too, so I thought you got a new setter."
Kageyama's words make Hinata pause. At first he's zeroed in on the fact Kageyama just called these date nights, and it makes his heart flutter, because despite their obvious miscommunication over this, he thinks Kageyama is extremely cute to have thought of it that way. And then he has to rethink over what was said, because his brain didn't register them when he heard it. "What? Really?" he asks, when he understands that yes, Kageyama just said he thought Hinata didn't want to be volleyball partners anymore. This breaks him a little, and Kageyama's small nod in confirmation stops him from crying entirely.
"Bakageyama." Hinata wipes his eyes hastily, furrowing his eyebrows. "Why would I pair with someone else? You're the best!" Hinata moves next to Kageyama, and throws his arms out for emphasis. And then he panics for a moment, afraid that Kageyama will misunderstand his words and think that he is only with him because he's good at volleyball. "Not just at volleyball! You're good at all sorts of stuff; like cooking, and running, and making me feel smart, and… and all kinds of whooshy things!"
This flusters Kageyama, and he can feel his face getting red. It's not that Hinata doesn't compliment him often, he's just still bad at receiving them. "You have to say that! I'm your boyfriend!" he finally replies, pouting.
Hinata giggles, he's enjoying watching Kageyama try to hide the satisfaction on his face. "I'm not biased at all. Even if we weren't dating I would say the same things."
"Sure you would," Kageyama replies playfully, using his sleeve to get rid of any remaining tears on Hinata.
They do end up watching a movie, and they formally make date nights a thing. They still have to talk about their lack of communication later, which might lead to another fight, but they are content with staying like this for a while longer. And before they fall asleep that night, Kageyama makes sure to tell Hinata one more thing.
"You're the best too."
But knowing someone like the back of your palm also means you understand. You immediately recognise when something is wrong, and you know how to make them feel better.
There are days where only one of them isn't feeling great, but it brings the other down too.
It may seem strange to an outsider, or to anyone who has seen them interact before, but Kageyama isn't always that brute and rough with Hinata. There are moments where he changes entirely, becoming someone with a gentle touch, someone who has nothing but fond gazes. It's taken many experiences and events to get there, but now it's been nurtured into something that's just for Hinata, when he needs.
The first time it happens, it's after Hinata walks through the door without a word. Kageyama, who had been in his room, immediately runs to him. Hinata always shouts a cheery greeting when he comes home, even if Kageyama isn't there. So when he finds Hinata taking his shoes off slowly, his whole being looking dejected, Kageyama is hit with this overwhelming need to comfort him.
Kageyama takes Hinata's hands first, enveloping them in this own, to make him look up. He does for a split second before looking back down, but in that split second, behind the empty exterior, Kageyama can see hurt behind Hinata's eyes. He waits a moment longer, just to see if Hinata will say anything, before pulling Hinata to his chest in one swift motion and wrapping him in his warmth. Hinata clutches to him right away, then they sink to the ground and just sit there for a long time, unmoving, with Hinata listening to the beating of Kageyama's heart, and Kageyama feeling the ups-and-downs of when Hinata breathes.
"I love you," is the only thing Kageyama says. He murmurs it into Hinata's soft hair, squeezes his shoulder in consolation. It's not something he says often—Hinata knows how he feels—but in moments like these he wants to remind him, wants to make sure he knows.
Hinata doesn't reply, but the way he moves even closer to Kageyama is enough indication that he heard.
During these times, Kageyama also makes sure to place tender kisses on Hinata whenever he can. There's a kiss to the knuckles as they watch Hinata's favourite show together, a kiss above his heart when they take a break from studying, a kiss on the forehead before they fall asleep. These aren't kisses that occur frequently, since Kageyama is rarely soft, and they're always so full of concern, and care, and love, that they make Hinata surge with emotion each time, bringing tears to his eyes.
When Hinata comes out of this low, and Kageyama knows when because he's as bright as the sun again, they don't really talk about it. Instead they fall back into their routine, quiet and tender moments replaced by loudness and playful fighting; but every time, without fail, Hinata will disrupt their 'normal' to give Kageyama's hand a squeeze, smiling gently and saying thanks.
When Kageyama is the one with a blank expression, Hinata likes to tell stories. It doesn't matter where they are; he'll speak in a soft tone, and smile brightly at Kageyama whenever he catches the taller boy's eyes. He also initiates a lot more contact. If they're walking outside, he'll hook their pinkies; if they're at home, he gently drapes himself across Kageyama's back. It's his way of letting Kageyama know he's there for him, in whatever way he needs.
There is an instance where Hinata comes home to find Kageyama lying on his bed, on his side, curled in on himself. He looks smaller than Hinata, and that's just… wrong. Hinata drops his bag to the floor and by the time it lands on the ground with a soft plop, he's already positioned himself across from Kageyama. The movement causes the dark-haired boy to flutter his eyes open for a moment, and Hinata notices how his blue eyes look so dull, before scrunching them closed, tears prickling at the corners. At this time Hinata raises a hand and places it on Kageyama's cheek, gently stroking, wiping any tears away.
As he does this, Hinata tells Kageyama about his day. He recounts what happened, and exaggerates his words to make it sound like he had a crazy adventure. He adds sound effects too, but makes sure to keep his voice soft. He thinks he hears Kageyama scoff in response to something he's saying at some point, and it makes him smile. Kageyama is not as tense as before, although he still looks to be hurting.
So he keeps talking. Eventually he moves onto stories of the past, of their times with Karasuno, and even before then. By the very end, Kageyama has fallen asleep, looking a lot more peaceful, and Hinata lifts his bangs to place a kiss on his forehead.
Hinata dotes on Kageyama a lot during these times. He does have half a year on the boy, but it rarely shows. Now, though? Now he makes sure Kageyama is eating, getting all the nutrients he needs; he makes sure Kageyama doesn't overexert himself while exercising, no matter how far he wants to push himself; he makes sure Kageyama feels loved, something he expresses through his words and actions.
Kageyama has broken from this slump by the time he's chasing Hinata around their apartment, calling him a dumbass. Hinata accidentally mixed their laundry so now a lot of their white shirts are stained with other colours, but he thinks it's pretty cool, even though Kageyama looks furious.
Their old dynamic has returned, but Kageyama consistently throws looks of appreciation at Hinata when he thinks the shorter boy isn't looking. Hinata notices though, of course, and peppers countless kisses all over Kageyama when they're finally alone.
Sometimes they have bad days. But until the end, they will still have each other.
A/N: thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed :)
(my tumblr is 'tobioshouto'!)