a/N- So this is just a project that I'll be updating frequently until I can make enough time to update my other fics. I always get PMs about not updating, and they just make me not want to update because I've always liked to defy people and y'know I have a life outside fanfiction, it may just be homework and reading but it takes up a lot of my time, okay? I like reviews, I do. But if someone says "ermagawd, you haven't updated in like totes forever," then I will seriously will beat you. So please, leave a review and your own risk.
P.s I'm in a bad mood. Correct me on my grammar and I will freaking eat you.
-Lupin3Black
Sirius Black laughed nervously, reclining back in his chair so that it was balanced on two legs, his long dark hair was tied in a disheveled ponytail as he attempted to tell a very moody James Potter about how crazy his plan was, "Listen, mate, I know it worked for you and Lils, but that kinda thing ain't for me, alright? I mean, I know it does work, because heh, look at you and Lily, you've got everything apart from the two point five kids, well, you have Harry, but I don't want that. I mean, I love Harry and yeah, a decent relationship would be nice, but that's not the route for me."
James grunted at him, his hazel eyes peering at him tiredly from behind his owlish glasses, "C'mon Sirius, you wake me up and four oh clock in the bleeding morning to tell me you broke up with billbobbybiscuitface-"
"Er-John."
James glares at him and forcefully repeats himself, "I said billbobbybiscuitface, because he only wanted to sleep with you, and I offered you an idea, okay? And you're going to take it, because honestly, if I have to hear anymore of billbobbybiscuitface or heaven's forbid, NeddyNathanKnobhead then I might just explode. And y'know, I don't feel like exploding. So I suggest you take my freaking idea, and shove it up your-"
Sirius quickly butts in, smiling indulgently at his grumpy but tired friend, "Yeah James! Brilliant idea mate! I'm going to head home immediately and start work on that. Internet Dating it is!" He's smiling so wide that his face feels like it could split in too, but James is freaking terrifying when he's sleep deprived and the best thing is to let him go back to sleep.
James mutters something unintelligible and flops forward snoring into his stale cup of tea that Sirius didn't make, because Sirius can barely turn the tap on let alone make tea, he presumes it was there from this morning.
Sirius can only hope for James's sake that it doesn't have a skin, because really, that's just gross.
(Pagebreak)
is a pretty simple place. It was completely cliché, the background being red with white and pink hearts dotted about, Sirius felt the puke rising in the back of his throat when he clicked 'register' but the thought of James tearing him limb from limb if he dared mention NeddyNathanKnobhead once more made him press on the little dancing heart that declared, 'Your destiny starts here!'
The questions started off pretty simple, 'What is your name?' starting off the whole affair. When Sirius typed in 'Sirius Orion Black' he was half expecting the computer to respond with, 'Are you fucking kidding me?' Because god, his parents must of hated him. 'Oh right!' Sirius laughed aloud in his empty flat, 'They do hate me!'
It only went downhill from there.
What age are you? Twenty-five
What year were you born? Sirius raises his eyebrows at that one, because can't people do simple math anymore, just take twenty-five away from two thousand and thirteen and you'll have your answer. But he dutifully types 1988.
Why are you using this website?- My insane friend is sick and tired about me whining about billbobbybiscuitface and NeddyNathanKnobhead.
What is your perfect date?- Sirius frowns, he's never really had dates, he's had takeaways in front of the telly with James and chucking curry at the screen when a footballer does something utterly crap, but that doesn't count because it's freaking James and that'll be like snogging his brother. He's had shoving his hand down someone's pants in the bathroom in the three broomsticks but he's pretty sure that doesn't count either. So he writes 'I dunno something warm, preferably with food that hasn't been reheated or sneezed on.'
Men or women? Sirius snorts, 'Well that's blunt.' He thinks before smirking deviously and writing, 'Men. Definitely men.'
What's your ideal woman/man? 'One with a cock, that's for sure. And funny, and this is going to sound vain but he can't be ugly. I talk a lot so probably someone quiet or else it'll just be the pair of us talking until it gets louder and louder until the freaking roof falls off. Must not mind unannounced exaggerations.' Sirius thinks back to earlier questions and adds, 'Must be able to do basic maths.'
This is when the questions start to get a little fucked up, because why the fuck would a 'suitable mate' (Jesus freaking Christ on a bicycle who the hell says 'mate' anymore. They aren't canines!) need to know whether or not Sirius prefers dolphins to unicorns.
When he's finished with the eighty-eight question long test, he has to move on to his profile, which, he can make a little more like himself than that freaking questionnaire. He's giggling the whole way through it like a schoolgirl, which could possibly be the influence of the three bottles of beer he was forced to consume after a particularly horrible question of, 'Your mate (there's that word again!) ties you up for a kink, but gets a phone call, he takes it and walks out of the room. What do you do?' (He'd written, 'cut off his third leg')
For the picture he choses a relatively simple one. Well, simple for Sirius Black anyway. There's no denying that he looks freaking wonderful but that's to be expected. His long black hair is loose so that it falls around his shoulders and his silver eyes are sparkling with laughter. The ex-heir is dressed in his favourite leather jacket and white-shirt and he's sitting on his bike. The picture alone is able to get him a couple messages.
He ends up with the following;
Name; Sirius Orion Black. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, my parents are wankers.
Age; Twenty-five, which means I was born in 1988 for those who can't do basic math.
Where do you live?; That's a creepy question. But I live in England, London to be exact. In a wonderful flat by myself.
What do you like in a guy?- Ooh! It's finally got my sexuality right! I like...a sense of humour, I'd hate to be bored to tears around you. At least kinda smart, dumb guys who drool aren't my type. I quite like blondes, but like a tawny blonde. Smaller than me, so below six foot three. Someone who's not afraid of public affection, I mean, not full-blown sex or nothing, just holding hands or a hug or something like that.
Bio- I'm guessing that means about me, right? I'm a dude. Obviously. I work designing web-pages for companies that are relatively cool. I'm a bit wonky in the head-fuck, no I shouldn't write that. I mean, I don't have any difficulties, I'm not retarded or anything, Jesus is that offensive? Fuck, moving on. I don't mind parties, but I like sitting in as well, preferably in front of the fire, with someone's head in my lap, in a totally non-perverted way.
I don't like dogs, people say I look like a dog-person but I'm really not. Their muddy and messy. Cat's are okay. They'll cuddle you. And don't send me a message complaining about me not liking dogs. That's just not on okay?
I'm a bit messy, I don't clean up after myself though I really should. I leave stuff lying everywhere, just this morning I found a thong in my fish tank. Two things, It was a woman's thong and I haven't slept with a woman since I was 17 and two; I had a fish tank?
My best mate made me join this website because apparently I was annoying him complaining about my screwy-relationships.
Now let's go into deep shit: I'm not looking for a fling, I could pick one of those up at a bar in five minutes. I'm looking for an honest-to-god relationship where we talk about complete and utter shit and when we kiss I don't feel like I'm just using them. I want compassion and all the crap that comes with it.
Only message me if you meet the criteria. If you're a girl, I'm sorry. But you're missing a body-part, love.
-Sirius Black.
(Pagebreak)
Remus
"Alice, I don't want to." Remus argues, biting his lip and adapting the puppy-eyes that can usually get him out of anything. Alice Prewitt (his best friend) , knowing this, avoids his eyes and continues typing on his battered up laptop that she stole from its rightful place on the kitchen table. "This-this really isn't my kind of thing!" He waves his hand and squirms on the sofa, this is awkward. He doesn't want to do this! He may not of had a decent relationship in ages but he doesn't want to turn to internet dating! He's a teacher! What if one of his student's parents found it? Oh god! That'd be awful!
"Nonsense Remus! Of course you want to! You're just in denial! We've gotten through the questionnaire already, it's too late to back out now!" She grins maliciously and shows him the picture she chose for his profile, knowing her completely useless at anything even remotely technical best friend won't be able to change it. "Aw Rem! You look cute in this one!"
Remus squeaks indignantly at the choice of photo, he wasn't even conscious when Alice and his other friend Marlene snuck into his flat and took this picture. He's asleep, his blonde hair tousled and his mouth slightly open. He's completely naked! 'Well, you can only really see from the shoulders up soo...' The sensible part of his brain butts in, which he hastily quiets 'I'll know I'm naked. And that's enough!' He thinks.
"Alice! You said you deleted that picture!" He pouted and Alice laughs, reaching over and ruffling his tawny hair. He feels about eight when she does that, even though he's twenty four. Only three years younger than her. He crosses his arms and furrows his brow, knowing he probably looks even younger now.
"Aw Remus, if you weren't gay. I totally date you, you're completely adorable. Plus, that photo is really hot and adorable so you'll get a date no bother. I have to go now, I've paper's to grade. But you have to finish the profile. Pinky promise?" Alice holds out her pinky and Remus reluctantly shakes it.
"I'm not adorable. I'm a twenty four year old preschool teacher. I'm really manly! I mean, I have chest hair and everything-awww! Hey snooksums! How's my little kitty-cat!" Remus breaks off his tangent as a small carmel coloured kitten climbs into his lap and burrows down, he coos at it then flusters, realising what he's done. He blinks up at Alice sheepishly, "Yeah, okay." He mutters, avoiding her know-it-all look, "I'll finish the damn profile."
(Pagebreak)
Sirius was looking through some of his matches the next day and they all looked pretty sucky. They were all either ridiculously attractive and swarming with charisma or eighty-year old men with creepy smiles and beards to their elbows. Needless to say he didn't feel a 'connection' with any of them.
He was more interested in hitting the button in the corner that said 'random' and making fun of all the needy, desperate looking ones. He clicks it again, and is intrigued to see a completely adorable guy sleeping in the photo. He's bare-chested and Sirius licks his lips as he wonders whether or not he's completely bare, shitfuck, that was creepy. He's probably still a little drunk.
Tearing his eyes away from the photo, he reads the profile,and laughs to see that this Remus guy had it worse than him.
Name; Oh, uh, Remus. Remus John Lupin.
(Sirius is pretty sure that this guy's the only one that can make typing sound awkward.)
Age; I'm twenty-four.
(Around his age too, this Remus guy is looking better and better.)
Where do you live; Well that's personal. I live in Croydon. Which is in England. Though most people know that.
(Sirius is pretty sure that Croydon is quite close to where he lives. He kinda lives on the border of London. But it would still take him a while to get there. That is, if anything ever did happen between them, though it wouldn't. Because this is internet dating, and James and Lily were just one lucky couple who weren't set up with creeps.)
What do you like in a guy?- Great, even the computer thinks I'm gay. I don't think I've specified my sexuality here yet...and no. There was a question whether or not I like guys or girls wasn't there? Crap, how do you delete words? I'm really sucky at technology. So probably someone good at technology. Preferably funny. Someone who talks, but can also listen when they really need too. I'm a bookish person, so I'd need someone to pull me out of my sheep, I mean shell! I really can't type on this thing and spellcheck is the bane of my existence.
Bio- What on earth does one put in this section? I'm small? No, literally I'm a midget-Jesus no I'm not. That's offensive isn't it? How the hell does one get rid of words? Everything that comes out of my mouth is word-vomit seriously. Be prepared for that. I'm sorry, my dad's part Irish and some of his slang has rubbed off on me and I'm moving on now because I'm literally babbling as I type. Is that even possible? Okay so, I'm small, I'm 5'8. Which isn't that small. But it's small for someone in my family. Everyone's a giant and I'm always so small around everyone-and you don't particularly care, do you?
Word vomit. I swear!
I'm a pre-school teacher,so you could say I like children-oh god that sounds creepy. I'm not a pervert, I swear. Oh man, that's exactly what a pervert would say! I'm really not though. A pervert that is.
About the photo, I didn't post it. My ex-best mate did. Ex-best mate because she's the one who forced me on this blasted website. My new best mate is my cat, Padfoot. I mean, it's me in the photo. I just wasn't aware that she was taking the photo and I really don't know how to change it.
Let's sum this all up; I'm apparently offensive to the vertically challenged. I'm not a pervert but I do like children (that just sounds creepy anyway I put it) and my best friends a cat. Wonderful. I'm bound to get a date. I really am a man-magnet, seriously they swarm towards me-fuck I'm shutting up now. Honestly.
Er...goodbye? Do I say goodbye? Who the hell am I talking to anyway?
(Pagebreak)
Sirius laughed as his cruiser hovered over the button, 'Message'.
A/n sorry for being in a bad mood earlier. I'm fine now though. :). Honestly. Feel free to correct my grammar. Review! Um, yeah please review.
-lupin3black