Every time I feel like eating, I start to write. I've been on this work out kick; it started as a way to lose my tummy for my boyfriend. We'd just had our son Toby when he decided that he wanted the girl I used to be in high school. I said fine, never mind the fact that I was twenty two at the time and balancing a full time position at my dads church. I went ahead and lost it for him, all three extra inches on my waist, and just in time for the skinny jean fad. He's happy but behind his million dollar smile, I know that he would be highly pissed if I gained it again. That means no food for Spencer and while my stomach is unhappy, my writing has really taken off.

See, we're one of those poster couples. You could bounce a quarter off of those abs of his, and me, well, I've been known to turn a head or two in my time. It used to be that people loved being around us; we're attractive, perfectly middle classed and Jesus has truly blessed us. Since we've had Toby though, all of our friends have stayed away. The boy is bad as hell. I've been trying to raise him the way my parents did, you know, timeouts and hugs. So far, it isn't working. He bounces off of the walls, the bible says that bit about sparing the child for a reason. Just the other day, I caught Aiden's mother popping him on his hand and I couldn't even blame her. The boy can drive even the holiest Christian to do some questionable things. Now, I love him but he needs direction and I just know that it's my job as a mother to give it to him. I;ve talked to Aiden about it but he seems convinced that he'll grow out of it. I'm not so sure.

The only people that Toby will listen to are my parents; he's five now but the three of them seem to have been made for one another. They say that grandparents' just have a way but I wish that some of that could rub off on me. My dad says to pray about it, and I have, I pray all of the time, but I want to put some supplication with that, you know what I mean? At this very moment, Toby and Aiden are at their Daddy and Me palates class. I was against the idea at first, I grew up with the idea that palates was the work of the devil. If I'm honest though, I can admit that I appreciate the alone time. With the two of them gone, I can write more and do other things. In fact, I have a secret. Ever since Aiden has come to terms with his getting older, he's been on these muscle supplements that help him keep his shape. He's so very vain and those pills that he's force feeding himself get him about as hard as the gummy worms that Toby is addicted to; all this working out and he's practically useless to me. That's alright though, because while he's out stretching and rolling around for Satan, I'm taking care of my own needs. I know that masturbating is a sin, a serious one, but I'm sure that God doesn't expect me to just sit here while he dabbles in the dark arts. One of these days I'll get around to quitting, but for right now, I'm letting myself believe that it is okay.

When I said it was a secret, I truly mean that. If anyone found out, I would lose my position at my father's church. I am the youth minister there and I take pride in the work that I do with the teenagers in this community. I like to organize events with them, car washes, movie nights, that kind of thing. I know how influential a youth pastor can be in young person's life; I came up under youth pastor system and that really helped me to get a true view of God from people who were my age. I want to be involved in that. I guess you could say that it's my calling and I don't want to lose out on that because of Aiden's special "vitamins".

Aiden isn't necessarily church going type, his family is atheist. When my father said yes to his marrying me, Aiden took that as his accepting his atheism. No. That was dad saying yes to a man that he assumed that I had already had sex with. It wasn't true though; I waited for all of the propers before I did anything with Aiden. I was raised up right; I knew that sex, intercourse, and that kind of thing should be between married folks.

Some kind of way I've gotten myself caught between a Preacher and a soft man. I feel trapped, like I'm losing myself in this life. M i Maybe I need more prayer, or maybe I need a vacation but I know that something's got to give.

Chapter 1

We're sitting in my father's church , front pew, like always and he's up their talking about fornication. It's the elephant in the room. If I had my guess, I'd say that just about every man in here is running around on his wife. See, Saturday is mistress day. It comes just before the salvation of Sunday, and right after the good times that come with the weekly paycheck; half to the wife and seed, a third to the bottle, and the rest on a cheap motel room for Saturday. My Daddy ain't no fool; he knows his flock like the back of his hand and he's just trying to shed some light on a dark predicament.

Every time he says the word fornication he looks toward Aiden; to any other man it would be intimidating but Aiden's too busy with his Blackberry. Work, he says, and I'm too tired to call him on his mess. On my other side, Toby is fidgeting like a mad man. He has kicked off one of his loafers, and he has two of his fingers shoved up his right nostril. It's taking all the strength that I have to keep my eyes trained on my father; my mother isn't helping. She believes in that love and holy water kind of parenting; you know the kind that deals in child leashes and foolery like the naughty seat. Everything this boy does, she thinks it cute, and right now, as he wiggles his way off of this pew she's smiling at him as if he were the Savior himself.

I can't wait for this sermon to be over. My shoes feel too small and I haven't eaten properly since yesterday. Everybody's supposed to be gathering over my parents house for Sunday dinner after this but the kind of cooking my mom does will have me on the treadmill for hours. She doesn't understand the concept of veganism. Just about everything that's eh cooks has some type of meat or cheese in it. Collards, with bacon in them. Baked beans, with ground beef in them. Even the desserts are meat flavored. I guess I'll just stop by Publix and pick myself up a salad. But then again, a grocery store trip with Toby and Aiden in tow sounds like a special brand of hell. Maybe I'll just pass on out, let the ushers wave smelling salts in my face. It has been a while since I caught the holy ghost. My father is giving me a look, I better straighten up.

?-?

We're all sitting around the dinner table at my parents' house and I keep asking myself how I got here. My mother is entertaining my husband and son, I know that I should be happy about the break that I'm getting but I am so hungry that I can feel my stomach beginning to eat itself. Now don't get me wrong, I've been a devoted member of PETA for going on three years but my body has been deprived for way to long, I'm starting to go into survival mode. I reach for a slice of my mother's home made apple pie and as I let the flaky crust graze the fleshy part of my bottom lip, I try to pretend that I don't feel guilty about consuming lard.

"Uh honey, are you giving up on your diet?"

And there goes Aiden with his big mouth. He can never let me enjoy anything. It was illy of me to think that he was going to be too busy devouring that pork chop that he's got smeared on half of his face to pay attention to me, his wife and slave. Just like always, he's more focused on what I'm eating then he is on anything else.

" I can have a slice of pie Aiden. It isn't a nuclear holocaust or anything."

My father lets out a chuckle and Aiden shoots him a glare. I want to laugh at his attempt go all alpha male on my daddy. He has no idea about who my father used to be before the Lord called him; he'll mess around and get himself snatched. Like my grandmother always said, you never know what people are working on with themselves.

Just as things are getting tense, I hear a key working at the front door. My brother barges in, late as usual, and with some woman. Or should I say girl. Glen has quite a few gray hairs on his head and it looks like he robbed the cradle with this one. My mother is giving her a once over; this girl has come to Sunday dinner dressed like she shops at the Baby Gap. Now I don't judge, but my mother, she puts people on a pass or fail the first time she meets them. To make things worse, I see a tattoo. It's on the inside of her left wrist, deep red curly lettering with some elaborate design circling around it. She has no idea what she just stepped into.

He has made room for himself between my mother and Aiden by dragging a chair in from the living room. As the legs of the chair bite into the freshly polished wood of the dining room floor; I can almost feel the frown forming on my mother's face as she cringes. When he finally settles himself, he realizes that he has left his guest standing awkwardly beside my father and he moves quickly to correct it. Replay the last five minutes of awkwardness.

"Hey everybody, I'm sorry I'm late. Traffic was a horror show." He says apologetically as he fills his plate.

"It's okay. We missed you at church today. You would have benefitted from the sermon; it was about fornication."

My mother is shooting daggers into that poor girls forehead. I haven't seen her on this much of a high alert since before Toby was born.

"So. Who's your friend?"

That's Daddy for you, always trying to save the day. Glen is always forgetting his manners but he should try to pay special attention to this acquaintance of his; I know that she is sweating bullets over there. My mother is no one to trifle with and when she's angry, it's like trying to dance with a python.

"This is Ashley. We have been seeing each other for some time now. "

"Really? This is the first Sunday that you've had her over."

That's what he gets for trying to cut corners with this family. Even when we were in high school, my mother expected to be included in our personal lives. When we failed to do so, we were automatically keeping something from her.

"Dad…"

And the silence ensues. It is definitely a bad idea to try and pit my parents against one another. The best thing to do when one of them has it in for you is to try and take it; looking for a way out in the form of another parent is just asking for trouble.

" I agree with your mother; you haven't even brought her to church."

I really do feel bad for the poor girl; these people are talking about her like she isn't sitting right here at this table. She looks so very sad and I can't say that I blame her. My family can come off the wrong way to a lot of folks.

"Well guys it's not like Aiden went to church for the first month or so that we were dating, either. I say we give them a break. Can you pass the pie Ashley?"

She's looking at me like I've got some sort of growth on my face but she's moving for that pie. I can feel Aiden's eyes on me, but the way that I see it is that I deserve another slice for the way that I just put myself out there.

?

I am at the sink with my momma washing dishes; there is no such thing as a quick getaway around ehre. I can remember being young enough to sit on this same counter that I am wiping down. Nostalgia, one of the many side effects of mal nutrition. I'll be glad when I can get on back to my own house on but with Glen's new flavor in the house, daddy's going to want us to stick around to play referee. My brother is always doing this sort of thing with his love life; it's the way that he rebels . He thinks that nobody "gets" him, but he needs to understand is their aint nothing new under the sun. He's been running the dame tricks since he was a kid anyway; but now that he's in the shadow of thirty I think he should get his act together. Maybe consider settling down.

I can see that Ashley girl from my spot in the kitchen and Aiden's swimming around her like a shark while Glen stand back and watched proudly. I don't know what it is with guys liking to share but that girl looks like she's drowning. She's a petite something, cute, with wild eyes that looks sensual and vulnerable at the same time. She could be one of those girls from the magazines if she wasn't standing right in our living room. Girls like her all always trying to play hard and tough but you can see it in her face, she's just a baby. I wonder what she feels like with Glenn parading her around the way that the way that he does. He's probably old enough to be friends with her father, if not her father himself. I want to walk in there and tell him to take that girl home, leave her alone. The biggest favor that he could do this girl is to walk away before she turns out like all the others that he's messed over. I've seen stronger women than her get hurt by him. He's my brother, but that doesn't mean that I don't recognize his game.

"So you approve of this Ashley, huh?"

My momma's got that tone that she gets when she asks a question that she already knows the answer to. In these type of situations, I never really know what to say. I decide on the truth.

"I think she's too nice a girl for Glenn. Too nice and too young."

"Ha! Nice? Well she sure doesn't look like she's serving the same God that we are if you catch my drift."

"I'm not talking religion, I'm talking over all person. She seems like a nice girl over all."

"A person is the God they seve Spencer; you know that. I just don't like the look of her. Lord knows I'm not trying to judge but right off the back, I can say that I don't think she's the type that Glenn should be consorting with."

Last time I checked, that was judging but I've decided to hold my tongue. People my mother's age don't go changing their mind a whole lot so a fight, at this point, would just be adding fuel to the fire. I sure aint in no mood for that tonight. I'd rather hurry on through these dishes so that I can start preparing ot get out of here.

We finish and my mother sends me into the living room to socialize. That's about the last thing that I want to be doing right now. Aiden seems content though and Toby, praise the Lord, is passed out on the couch next to him. I guess it wouldn't hurt that much to stick around a while longer.

Glenn's chattering away about somebody at that old job of his; he's works in some hospital on the north end of town doing God knows what. It's all kinds of boring but Aiden is eating it up. He has always loved Glenn's life style, the women and the money, throw in that Camaro that he just bought and Aiden's prostrating himself. I don't get it. Sure Aiden and I dated in high school but I never once said anything about settling down with him; I would have been fine keeping things light but he was the one always talking about marriage. He practically pushed me into it and just when I was getting used to my bound state, Toby came into the picture. If I were him, and I wanted to be a bachelor that bad I just would have kept my ass single. He, of course, won't be going anywhere now. What? With as bad as Toby is, I need all of the help that I can get.

"So Ashley, what do you do?"

This is Aiden trying to talk her up. And if I must say so myself, that's the lamest come on I have ever heard and I have heard plenty. I can't stop my eyes from rolling. It's notthat I jealous, if Aiden wants to run around with every girl in the whole damned state I say fine. I just think that he has a pathetic way of going about it.

"Uh, I'm a student at Emory U."

"Yeah? That's not far from where I went to school."

"Oh really, where did you go?"

"A little school called Georgia Perimeter."

I chuckle to myself. I think it's hilarious that he has the nerve to mention that dinky old community college that he went to in the same conversation as Emory. It's practically Ivy League in the South not to mention no where near Perimeter.

" I've never heard of it."

You can see the hurt etched all across his face. If I don't get myself together I'm going to be rolling on this carpet, laughing. This girl is smart, witty, quick on her feet. Aiden may be big on the outside but his brain is the size of a pea. I do believe that she's just put him in his place.

"Well, like I said, it's small. How did you and Glen meet."

"He's one on the Board of Directors at the hospital where I'm starting my residency next monrh."

Hold the phone, looks like our girl is a doctor. I'm shocked and by the look on Aiden's face, he has just officially taken a blow to the ego. For some reason, I find this hilarious and I can feel laughter creeping up the inside of my throat. I don't think that I can sit through much more of this without full on laughing in this poor man's face.

"That sounds lovely but Aiden I think it's time we get Toby on home, he needs to sleep in his bed."

He looks grateful to get away and he gives me a nod.

"Will you go and get the car warmed up while I go and say goodbye to my parens?"

"Uh sure, I'll take Toby out too."

"Thanks."

/

Today is one of those days that brings feelings of regret; I've just woken up but I feel like the day is going to be a bad one. Aiden is in bed next to me, snoring. Today is his day off. In the old days, when we still pretended like we were in love, we would spend the day rolling around together. Now the love is gone and Toby is here, and soon he will be in want of his breakfast. I slowly allow myself to get out of bed, I don't want to wake Aiden. He's a mail man and that means that every da y is early rise. I want to him to be able to rest today. Besides, he will wake himself up in an hour or so to head to the gym. Mean while, I'll get started on Toby's pancakes.

Today, I get news of whether or not a manuscript that I've been sending out is going to be published. I'm nervous but I'm trying not to let that get in the way of the things that I have to do here. In the rooms behind me, I can hear the familiar sounds of a sleepy five year old climbing out of his bed. He's been working on using the bathroom standing up; it still takes him while. I listen for the sound of his feet padding their way to the bathroom. I listen and I listen but I don't hear. I put down what I'm doing and I head to see what's up.

"Tobes? You okay in there buddy?"

"No."

I walk into his bedroom and I find him standing facing his bed.

"And why not, you've got to get a move on. You'll be late for school."

"I wet the bed."

"Oh. Well."

I feel guilty for being upset with him, but I am. This is going to offset our entire schedule and it will be hell trying to get him to school with this. I pick him up and carry him into the bathroom. He's crying now but I can't bring myself to say anything consoling. I strip him of his pajama bottoms and socks. I turn on the faucet and place the stopper over the drain and hand him the soap and cloth.

"Wash yourself up buddy.'Member how mommy does it?"

He nods his head and I turn to leave. I can't really focus on the sheets or flipping the mattress but I push myself through it anyway. The whole room is beginning to smell like urine so I go to open the window. The birds are singing and there is a small gust of wind just set for a little boy's room. Once I've got his bed flipped and sprayed down; I walk over to the closet to grab a new set of sheets. I debate between the turtles and the ones with the blue and white stripes. I can't make a decision so I decide to lay them both out and I'll let him decide when I get him out of the tub.

"Buddy? You done in there?"

He doesn't answer and I feel myself getting upset again. I open the bathroom door and I see him floating on his stomach in the water.