~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ch1, Reckless
Jane Rizzoli, the epitome of a bad-ass detective, admired by her peers, role model to recruits, hero to all, felt a heavy burden on her heart. How could she continue to maintain the façade? It had been six years since the serial killer, Hoyt, tortured her with his twisted, deranged idea of pleasure and made Detective Rizzoli a victim. She survived that experience, for the most part. Her reckless streak finally caught up with her that day.
During her struggle to become whole again after that horrific ordeal, she found a form of peace. Detective Rizzoli met a woman, redemption from an angel in human form, if such a being could ever exist. Jane had never met anyone like her. Finally, Jane had someone to cherish, to put before herself and to protect. This angel's name was Maura. Maura seemed to need Jane. And Jane liked to feel needed. She'd tried to be more careful in her dangerous job for a good long while after she started spending time with the delicate beauty. Maura's charm won Jane's heart, but there came a point when Jane realized that what she truly wanted with Maura could never be. The one person with whom she might possibly be able to give over to entirely, to finally find peace and love, was so completely unavailable that Jane had only allowed herself to dream of it. It simply could never ever be. And that broke Jane's heart.
Since the day Jane gave in to the futility of her wish with Maura, Jane had endeavored to be what the world expected her to be; to make up for past mistakes and to forget the biggest loss she'd ever felt. That emptiness stayed with her in every moment. Every day. Constantly. She did everything she could to run from that desolation and performing in the role of hero helped fill that void, if only a little. Jane held the pretense of champion very well. Everyone believed her.
After a while, the job, the incessant pressure to perform, the pointlessness of a never ending roster of death and mayhem had destroyed Jane's belief in the goodness of humanity. What was it all for? She was outnumbered. It would take a million lifetimes to achieve what she so greatly needed to accomplish. Seeking the unattainable goal, Jane's drive to bring closure to the lost lives of loved ones left behind after murderous tragedy squeezed their souls had, in a way, desensitized her.
An intangible and elusive quest for fulfillment compelled Jane. She pushed herself harder and harder to bring the bad guys in to face their crimes. She'd begun to take risks she never considered before. To Jane, what did it matter anyway? She believed she would never have the life she truly wanted. She could never have her dreams come true. She felt as though the only way to make her life have meaning and be all that was expected of her was to be completely selfless, to sacrifice herself for righteousness. She would be that, the hero.
This is where our story begins.
In this moment, after Jane entered the massive worn-out building where an armed suspect in a triple-homicide was holed up, she found herself hiding behind a heavy steel desk in an old dusty warehouse at the edge of Dorchester. As far as she could tell from her cramped hiding place, the bold detective was surrounded by at least half a dozen members of H Block, a Boston street gang. Jane had gone in on a hunch that the suspected murderer Ciaran "Mackers" McMahon had been in the area. Her hunch proved correct, but her decision to enter alone was proving reckless.
Jane texted her newly assigned rookie partner the address before she had gone in. She didn't have much faith in the new guy, and didn't want him to risk losing her another win, so she didn't bother to wait for him. From the darkness under that desk she breathed in the heavy air and silently composed another text. This one directed to her trusted mentor and once partner, Sergeant Detective Vince Korsak, to let him know her position and situation. She needed backup. Her boldness hushed, she huddled her lanky frame under the fragile shelter of the desk needing Korsak and crew to arrive before she was discovered.
Jane's thoughts raced. She knew her risk taking had gone too far. Her luck was wearing thin. Now she was about to be found out by some really bad guys. Jane's prideful mistake had no recourse. Trust was a virtue Jane had abandoned about the same time she lost hope for happiness. She should have waited for her partner, for backup. Regret filled her soul. Invincible, she was not. And so there she was, hiding like a little, scared shaking mouse, outnumbered and alone.
She moved tighter under the desk as if to make herself small as she heard the thugs move into the room. She sat soundless, motionless, listening and hoping. Foolish foolishness is all she could think to herself. She was angry that she'd been making such bad decisions and this decision to go at it alone might be her last. The chill in the air made her shiver in silence. She listened, barely breathing, while they carried Mackers' unmoving body into the room and laid him with a thump on top of the desk. Jane's eyes caught the glint of drops of blood steadily falling to the ground. This was not good. From the context of the conversation and by the amount of blood continuing to drip and pool beneath the desk, Mackers had been shot and wasn't gonna make it. The growing dark red slick grew and crept closer to Jane, finally engulfing the soles of her black heeled boots. Frozen, she hid noiselessly, motionless. The men argued about the details of dividing up the 'business' with Mackers McMahon gone while he laid there, gasping and struggling for life.
Jane wondered if the dying man was aware enough to hear them divide up his carcass for a feast. Meanwhile, he just bled out. Their dialogue revealed all Jane needed to know. She had them all on conspiracy and aiding and abetting a murderer not even counting their revelation about weapons shipment routes and drop locations. But for now, she was only one. There was nothing she could do other than pray herself invisible. She listened.
Suddenly, the men scrambled at the sound of approaching sirens. With their leader surely dying on that desk, they hastily abandoned a barely breathing Mackers. But even without personally arresting every single one, Jane had them. She'd recorded the entire conversation from her cell phone with narrow video from the space under her hiding place.
The hero prevailed. Another win.
Back at the precinct, Vince Korsak, her former partner and mentor in homicide, berated her recklessness to her in private. He marched Jane to an empty interrogation room. She knew what was coming before Korsak said a single word. "Sit down Jane. We need to talk." He moved to the other side of the worn metal table and sat down and waited for Jane to acquiesce. "Detective Rizzoli, why, after all that's happened, did you go into that building without backup? What were you thinking? Since Frost left for the detective position in North Carolina you've been acting like a lone wolf. It is not a good idea, Jane." He glared at her with his steely blue eyes. His voice strained, "I shouldn't have to be saying this to you. You're no rookie!"
Jane stared back silently, a tense, remorseful look on her face. She respected Korsak. She knew he was only looking out for her. He always did. But she said nothing.
He exhaled in frustration, "Jane why are you behaving so irresponsibly? Why put yourself in danger?" He adjusted himself in his chair and leaned toward Jane across the table. His tone less angry now, pleading, "Jane, a lot of us care about you. Think of that. Think of your mother, your brothers." He wanted to say 'think of Maura', but he knew that would reveal too much of his detective's intuition and possibly send Jane into a rage. "No one wants to see you get hurt." The wooden chair creaked as he leaned back and tossed his pencil onto the table. Jane's eyes focused as she listened to the sound of the pencil moving across the metal desk until it rolled to a stop just an inch from the edge. Her eyes turned up to look at him. Resigned he huffed, "As your senior officer, I should write you up."
Jane clenched her jaw and dropped her head at the last statement. He was right and she knew it. No matter how much she believed in the seasoned detective who had become one of her most trusted confidants, Jane couldn't confess her obsession to Korsak. He'd have her evaluated and she might lose her position. She couldn't stop what she was doing either, she needed to catch bad guys. It was in her. It was who she was. It was all she had left that truly belonged to her. The one thing that obscured her pain.
Jane lifted her head and spoke to Korsak, "I'm sorry if you think my behavior is reckless, but I'm effective. I catch these guys and the charges stick, Korsak. If we all followed every damned rule, nothing would ever get done. The bad guys don't follow rules. Vince, more bad guys would be out there if I didn't follow my rules. If every cop acted the way you want, we would never win!"
The implication that Jane hadn't been following procedure set off all the alarms in Korsak's head. Jane was heading for something terrible. "Jane, I just want you to be safe. Sure, get the bad guys, that's why we're all here but do it right, by the book, ok Rizzoli?" Exasperated, Korsak was at a loss, "And can you be more careful? This performance could have seen you killed."
Jane glared back at Korsak's angry eyes in the silence that followed his words. Jane knew he was right. She knew this last event was too close for comfort. Even she recognized how stupid she had behaved by going in alone. Korsak was still eyeing a bristling Rizzoli and he stood up.
"Jane, follow me."
He lead her out to his desk and motioned for her to sit down. He slid the top center drawer back and reached in to pull out a small wooden box. From the box he removed a small key. Jane looked puzzled. "Jane, this key belonged to someone I knew a long time ago. He was my friend. He was also my partner. I was a rookie then and he taught me a lot." Korsak looked back up to the seated detective and squeezed at the key as he held it up for Jane to see. "But Jane, he got too caught up in the job and ended up doing something almost exactly like what you did today. He wasn't as lucky, Jane. He went in alone and the bad guys found him." Vince Korsak's voice began to crack. "They tortured him, Jane." Korsak straightened up as he warned, "His body was found three days after. He died, Jane. He got himself killed for trying to do too much on his own. I keep this key in my desk to remind me to not be him, to not be reckless."
Jane's heart was beating hard in her chest. She stared back. She didn't know what to say. She knew she'd pushed the limits. But she just could not stop doing her job, her way. Jane nearly knocked the chair over as she stood, "I'm not him!" She stormed over to her own desk. Korsak sat shaking his head. He loved Jane in his own way. He could see she was wound too tightly and was concerned she was about to break. He'd keep a good watch out for her. But he worried.
Other police officers, staff and detectives entered the bullpen after the news broke of the arrests. They wanted to congratulate Jane on her big catch. Jane sat in her chair. Numb. If the people at the station knew what Jane had done, entering the building alone, not waiting for her partner, they didn't show it. Korsak must have run interference for her and kept that fact under wraps. Jane's recording was enough to arrest and prosecute five members of the gang as well as the murderer himself, assuming he'd survive. Jane knew that if he did survive it was due to her presence there that day. She hated that because of her a creepy, murdering, gun-running bad guy might get to live. Then she started hating on herself for wishing death to anyone, but the slaps on the back and congratulatory handshakes were coming steadily.
Another close call. They were all getting to be close calls. At least she didn't actually bleed this time. Even so, Detective Rizzoli's reputation for delivering was still intact.
Jane began to get down on herself and feel guilt over the praise thrown her way by the department, again. In her mind, that praise was for doing something stupid, again. Jane had had enough of sitting around listening to all the praise and was about to escape the station for awhile to avoid all the congratulations. But just as she stood to grab her down parka and go, she heard the musical staccato sound of high heels on tiled floors. Maura. In walked the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts to offer her own congratulations to the very effective detective.
Every time Jane saw Dr. Maura Isles walk into a room she thought that woman must have come with her own personal sun lighting her golden hair, walking in as if she was placed here on earth by God's own hand, just in that moment, with heavenly stardust surrounding her as she moved. That's how Jane saw her. Every time.
Dr. Isles walked directly to the slightly embarrassed detective, "Jane, I heard about your success and the multiple arrests. You are incredible, I hope you know this." Maura absolutely glowed toward Jane. "I would love to take you out for a celebration if you will allow me to make plans for us."
At the invitation, Jane almost expected Maura to lean in for a kiss, but no. That was simply Jane's wishful thinking in her alternate universe that existed only in her mind. She'd created a fantasy she kept locked away in her thoughts where the two women were blissfully together in a loving committed relationship. In that other reality, Jane and Maura shared a home, pets and a rare joy seldom seen. They had a future. Happiness. These thoughts were Jane's mental exercise to diffuse the utter loneliness and pain she'd been feeling over her inability have the love and joy she so desperately wanted.
She wished all these thoughts about a life with Maura weren't so impossible.
Shaking it all from her mind, Jane awkwardly replied, "I am not incredible, Maura. I am doing my job, nothing more." But inside, Maura's opinion was the only one that mattered to Jane. And, in this moment, Maura approved. Jane's favorite moments in life are when Maura decides to spend time with her. To Jane, these were the only good moments left.
"Well, I would like to celebrate with you despite yourself. So, will you join me?" Maura challenged with her eyes intent on Jane's.
Jane could never refuse this woman.
With a hint of a smile, Jane tried to deflect her involuntary glee at Maura's invitation with sarcasm, "Yes, Maura, I will join you as long as this event doesn't involve me in a dress or attending some posh event where I'm paraded around like a prize pig."
Maura giggled a bit at Jane's attempt at humor and leaned over as if to whisper a secret into Jane's ear, "Jane, I know what you like. I promise I'll make certain you enjoy yourself."
At that, Maura stood and walked away calling back, "I'll pick you up at eight."
Jane's jaw dropped a bit while she listened to the sound of those heels falling quiet as Maura made her way down the hall. This happened quite often, the flirting glances and double entendre. She lived for it, but Jane knew nothing would ever come of it even if she found it enjoyable and intriguing. Maura dated men. She made no effort disprove the fact that she was followed, approached and stalked by, what seemed to Jane, every man on earth. Maura had her pick.
For Jane's part, she managed the occasional date with a man if only to deflect the seemingly constant references to her sexual preference. But, the reality of it all was that Jane's heart was lost to Maura from the moment Maura reached out her hand in introduction. That effervescent smile and professional confidence had owned Jane from the beginning. As Jane got to know more of the nuance and multi-faceted wonder of Maura's personality, Jane found herself so far out to sea over this woman, she knew she may never reach shore again.
She was snapped from her thoughts when Korsak's voice entered her consciousness, "Rizzoli, c'mon, what are you doing, daydreaming? We've got a body. Go find your partner and let's go." Jane grabbed her coat and her partner and off she went to find justice for another victim's family. Even below zero temperatures and a two-foot blanket of snow couldn't smother the criminals in Boston.
~~~~~~~~~~~notable note.
Ok, we're setting the stage with this chapter and the next. Then, let the games begin! Don't worry, I won't torture our girls too much. Thanks for reading.