Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, I just use the characters to satisfy any perverse whims I am experiencing at the moment…
Stuff:...If I had to give this a timeline...I'd peg it right after Team 7 was founded...Naruto and the other characters will be a bit OOC, but that just makes things interesting! Oh and this will contain Yaoi in the future, so if you don't like it don't read it.
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01: One insane sensei, Two insane sensei…
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"Of course I'm crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong."
Robert Anton Wilson quotes (American sci-fi Author, b.1932)
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Naruto gave a small smile as he watered his plants, making sure that each was properly watered and growing correctly.
It was a little known fact that the blonde was exceptionally good with plants. The blonde's apartment was filled with ferns and flowers and the like, so very alive and blooming with a level of vitality that would make any Yamanaka green with envy. Perhaps if he had not become a ninja, he would have become a florist?
Naruto finished watering his fern, "Wow, you really are doing well! To think that the shop just threw you out because you were wilting a little…" Naruto clucked in a manner eerily reminiscent of his former Chuunin sensei, Iruka, "Oh well, it's their loss really."
The blonde put down the watering can beside the plant and looked to his watch, silently cursing. He had to leave now, if he wanted to get to the training grounds on time, not that it mattered to his teammates, who would be sure to bitch him out for not arriving at the ass crack of dawn like they were accustomed to. Which led the blonde to ask himself, 'Who the hell arrives early for Kakashi, of all people?' The man was at least 4 hours late for everything! And it wasn't as though the Jounin's antics were new to them, either.
Every ninja worth their salt had warned them that Hatake Kakashi was the emperor of tardiness and that all other late runners bowed before his awesome tardiness. Then there was the fact that they had been under said sensei's 'guidance' for over a month and left standing for hours on end.
To think that his teammates were considered the best and brightest of their entire class…Naruto didn't understand their logic, nor did he want to.
Naruto sighed as he approached the door and leaned down to pick up his kunai pouch which was place next to it, "Better get going."
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The blonde took one of the wooded paths to his destination, quite pleased that the villagers hadn't bothered him today. But that was likely because they didn't recognize the blonde. Naruto was wearing a dark green tunic, dark brown cargo shorts and a matching skull cap; effectively removing the two primary characteristics people could find him by; his orange tracksuit and his bright blonde hair. His headband was still visible, although it was now secured around his neck, versus his forehead.
Unless someone was to march up the boy and see his whisker marks, he was able to blend into his surroundings with relative ease.
'I'll have to thank Iruka-sensei for the clothes when he calms down later,' Naruto mused.
Iruka had burst into his apartment a few days ago with a crazed look in his eyes, throwing about ten bags of new clothing at his former student. As Naruto desperately attempted to dig himself out of the veritable ton of clothes the Chuunin flung at him, Iruka then proceeded to take all of the blonde's old clothing outside and burned them with a fire jutsu, cackling all the way.
Naruto didn't approach the obviously crazy Chuunin who then ran off into the night from whence he came; wisely deciding not to follow him and find out just what the hell was going on with the man.
He really didn't want to know.
Unfortunately for the blonde, fate decided to give him her one fingered salute and reveal the reason for the normally docile man's insanity.
He had learned that the Chuunin had recently been teamed up with Anko and Ibiki (the village's first and foremost experts on torture) on a mission and concluded that their craziness and sadism was contagious. Naruto only prayed that Iruka stop channeling both Jounins' personalities soon, it had been a week and children were now terrified of going to his class.
After a few more minutes of walking the blonde could hear Sakura's voice in the distance.
"Sasuke-kun! You look so cool, is that a new shirt?"
"Sasuke-kun! Your so strong!"
"Sasuke-kun! Let's go out!"
"Sasuke-kun!"
"Sasuke-kun!"
"Sasuke-kun!"
Naruto decided to pity the Uchiha heir in that moment. Sakura wasn't a bad person per say, but when she got obsessed with something there was no escape, as he was sure Sasuke figured out by now. The blonde took a moment to thank Kami that the girl despised him and for the most part ignored him; if he were in Sasuke's place he'd lose his mind.
'No…I'd probably go deaf first,' the blonde reasoned with himself.
Naruto looked at the surroundings and decided not to make his presence known yet. The blonde looked at his lush forest surroundings with serene eyes and used some chakra to enhance his senses to take in more of the forest.
It was close to winter now and although Konoha rarely had days of snow and frost, the air had a cool bite to it that Naruto relished in. The sun shone brightly, preventing any chill to bother him and Naruto heard the passing of various birds and squirrels around him. He closed his eyes and relished in his natural surroundings, relaxing and drowning out the banter of his rose haired teammate.
After a few peaceful moments, Naruto could detect a different scent in the air that was a combination of ink and paper and dogs.
"It's a really nice day today."
Kakashi decided to make his presence known to all in the immediate area, allowing his other two Genin to sense his chakra and Naruto sighed inwardly. Of course Kakashi would make his presence known, anything to not have to physically walk over to the other gennin.
'Lazy ass.'
"Indeed it is Naruto. By the way, I like the new look."
Naruto turned to the man and smiled at the compliment, "Thank you sensei, but it really is all Iruka-sensei's doing. He came by a few days ago and helped with the new look."
Kakashi caught on the type of help that Iruka must have administered, "Well in that case it's good that you're still in one piece. I've heard Iruka-sensei has been a little…," Kakashi paused for a moment to chose the right word, "excitable these days."
The blonde snorted at that, "Any more excitable and Anko and Ibiki will have a new apprentice."
Both sensei and student shuddered at that. If both Jounin decided to take the Chuunin as he was now as their apprentice, then there was little doubt that Iruka would unleash a wave of terror unseen outside a wartime setting.
Kakashi was the first to speak, "Then may Kami have mercy on that man's first victim."
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Sasuke was ready to tear his own ears off in frustration. Whenever he saw the kunoichi it was always 'Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun!' without fail! He should have taken a leaf out of Naruto's book and arrive a few moments before Kakashi…it would save his hearing at the very least.
He then felt Kakashi's chakra nearby and moved towards it, trying not to ruin his reputation entirely by jumping for joy and running away from the Pink one.
'Finally…took him long enough…'
The Uchiha heir and his stalker made their way to their sensei and paused momentarily when they saw their sensei standing there with an unfamiliar figure in a skull cap. Sasuke narrowed his eyes at Kakashi, frustrated with the tardy jounin for not coming sooner.
"Hey teme, what's with that face? If you keep it that way then it's probably stick and if that happens what will your fangirls say?"
Sasuke's eyes widened at the obnoxious voice, 'Naruto?'
Sakura looked to the blonde with open mouthed shock, what the hell had happened to the blonde idiot? She then grew a little angry when Naruto giggled at her expression.
"Baka! What happened to you?! Why do you look so different?!"
Kakashi smirked playfully at the gaping reactions at his other two students, "Mah…Naruto doesn't look too different, just a simple change of clothes. Don't tell me that the rookie of the year and the smartest kunoichi of her year are fooled by a mere change in appearance…" The jounin chuckled as Sasuke and Sakura glared at him in response to his comment.
'My, my…you two are rather easy to rile when it comes to anything that may insult your strong points…that's not a good thing really. A shinobi should be able to cast away their pride when it comes to completing a mission or dealing with a difficult person or issue. I'm going to have to fix that, you two don't seem like the type that are going to suddenly realize that a ninja cannot allow their personal biases to interfere with their work….oh well, more fun for me then!' Kakashi thought with an evil smile although Sakura and Sasuke could not see it.
Naruto shivered slightly at the aura coming from the lazy jounin, it was the same one that seemed to envelope Iruka when he was behaving in an insane manner.
The blonde prayed to whatever deities were watching over him for protection.
He had enough maniacs in his life to deal with.
"Fufufufufufufufufufufufufufufu.," Kakashi's students slowly backed away as the jounin began to laugh maniacally.
Naruto sighed and looked heavenward, 'You guys never give me a break.'
After a few moments Kakashi's psychotic laughter faded into mirthful chuckles and he turned a single gray eye to his students, making them all feeling uneasy. Whatever psychotic trip the jounin was on and about to put them in was not going to be pleasant if the creepy gleam in his eye was anything to go by.
'Creepy,' Naruto thought.
Kakashi clapped his hands together and gave everyone a smile that chilled them to the bone, "Alright everyone…I think that we need to do some 'personal growth' activities," cue the gleaming eye of doom.
'Why can't I ever get a break?' Naruto thought bleakly.
"Ano…Kakashi-sensei, what do you mean by 'personal growth' activities?" Sakura asked.
"Well Sakura, it means that I'm going to split the three of you up and determine how all of you fare individually in a combat situation. After that I'll test you all together and see how you've grown together since the initial group test."
Sasuke felt a cold wave of terror envelope his being as Kakashi answered the pink haired kunoichi with what had to be the merriest tone the Uchiha had ever heard in his life.
Whatever the jounin was planning was guaranteed to be nothing less that torture, pure and simple.
May the gods have mercy on their miserable souls…