A/N: Another fic. Kate's experiences, except for the marriage, is based on
stuff that happened to me, so be kind. Enjoy!-Kiera
I believe that it isn't the good things in life that make us who we are, it's the bad. If something good had never happened, like that boy had never asked you out, your life would of been different, but not radically. But if your grandmother had never died of cancer, if you had never been jilted at the alter, then things would of been so much different and you'd know it. See I think that tradgedy is the most powerful force on earth. Some people could argue that so is love, but I disagree. People can go through life never being love, never loving anyone. You can't escape death and dispair, it was a way of life and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I don't think that it really matters how we handle it. If we're strong or if we fall apart, so what? Either way, we're only human. The thing is though, people ignore the bad things, ignore them and sweep them under the carpet. I don't see the point. That was why the night of my leaving party I stood up in front of my friends and raised my glass high.
"To me." I began. "To my three wonderfully botched suicide attempts. To my eating disorder which, strangely, pulled me through. To my depression that lasted four years. To my shambles of a marriage and to all that is to come."
Luckily they toasted me and I was later congratulated on such an orginal speech. I don't have anything to hide. Yes I did try and kill myself three times, yes I did have anorexcia, yes I was depressed and yes I did have a sham marriage. I don't know how I came out the other side and the motto 'that which does not kill ect' doesn't apply to me, if anything each experience weakened me. But maybe I never got the chance because they all hapened is such a quick succession over a space of two and a half years that I never got the chance to get stronger. My friends understood, they understood my whole theory and though they didn't agree, they stood by me. It was the cancer scare that did it. I kid you not, a few months ago I found a lump and I was so sure it was cancer I was pratically writing out my will. Thank god it wasn't. I really thought I was cursed and I decided I desperatly needed a change of scenery. So I quit my job, booked myself a plane ticket and my friends threw me a huge party in which their only aim was to get me insanely drunk, and they did. As everything was winding down my friend Julian gave his, more traditional speech.
"We all know Kate and how she thinks. We know that she's constantly trying to be something she just isn't. Kate, we all love you, some more then others, for exactly who you are right now. We hope you find whatever it is you're looking for, wherever you're going."
Julian had seen me at my worst, actually sat by my side as my stomach rejected the twenty odd painkillers I had taken. He once told me that I was amazing after going through what I did and I had laughed in his face. I was just a normal girl and things like this had happened to normal girls. So, how exactly had all these nasty things shaped me into who I was. Well, honestly, it turned me into a runner. If I had stayed where I was I had a feeling that things would just get worse. I stay in my sham marriage, have sham babies, have nothing to live for and eventually, really kill myself. That scared me so I ran away from it, which probably wasn't the best idea, but it was the only real option I had.
I went home that night a little worse for wear to Toby, my sham husband. We had one of those 'if we're 40' pacts, but in one of my depressed stints we brough it foreward, by 21 years. So yes, I was really depressed and lonely, but Toby was nice. We didn't love each other. He hadn't said much about my departure and I never expected him too. I fell into his arms as I went home and told him about the lovely things people had said.
"I'm going to miss you." I said, because it was true.
I had married him for companionship and even thought it wasn't exactly what I wanted, it was nice never to go asleep alone.
"You're drunk." he replied, guiding me upstairs to bed.
"So, you should of come, everyone was there. Julian said the nicest things. But he did say I was trying to be something I'm not. Do you think that?"
"Sometimes."
I crawled into the middle of the bed and Toby took off my shoes.
"Sometimes?"
"You want to be something else, but who doesn't?"
I took off my jacket, but finding it still buttoned I pulled it up over my head and dropped against the pillows. Toby lay next to me. "Just so you know, I'm going to miss you too."
That night I slept with him. Whenever I did it always made me feel bad and I could never understand why. But technically he was my husband and it was my last night. Tomorrow I would be leaving for my new life and my new job in the WWE. I couldn't wait.
.
I believe that it isn't the good things in life that make us who we are, it's the bad. If something good had never happened, like that boy had never asked you out, your life would of been different, but not radically. But if your grandmother had never died of cancer, if you had never been jilted at the alter, then things would of been so much different and you'd know it. See I think that tradgedy is the most powerful force on earth. Some people could argue that so is love, but I disagree. People can go through life never being love, never loving anyone. You can't escape death and dispair, it was a way of life and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I don't think that it really matters how we handle it. If we're strong or if we fall apart, so what? Either way, we're only human. The thing is though, people ignore the bad things, ignore them and sweep them under the carpet. I don't see the point. That was why the night of my leaving party I stood up in front of my friends and raised my glass high.
"To me." I began. "To my three wonderfully botched suicide attempts. To my eating disorder which, strangely, pulled me through. To my depression that lasted four years. To my shambles of a marriage and to all that is to come."
Luckily they toasted me and I was later congratulated on such an orginal speech. I don't have anything to hide. Yes I did try and kill myself three times, yes I did have anorexcia, yes I was depressed and yes I did have a sham marriage. I don't know how I came out the other side and the motto 'that which does not kill ect' doesn't apply to me, if anything each experience weakened me. But maybe I never got the chance because they all hapened is such a quick succession over a space of two and a half years that I never got the chance to get stronger. My friends understood, they understood my whole theory and though they didn't agree, they stood by me. It was the cancer scare that did it. I kid you not, a few months ago I found a lump and I was so sure it was cancer I was pratically writing out my will. Thank god it wasn't. I really thought I was cursed and I decided I desperatly needed a change of scenery. So I quit my job, booked myself a plane ticket and my friends threw me a huge party in which their only aim was to get me insanely drunk, and they did. As everything was winding down my friend Julian gave his, more traditional speech.
"We all know Kate and how she thinks. We know that she's constantly trying to be something she just isn't. Kate, we all love you, some more then others, for exactly who you are right now. We hope you find whatever it is you're looking for, wherever you're going."
Julian had seen me at my worst, actually sat by my side as my stomach rejected the twenty odd painkillers I had taken. He once told me that I was amazing after going through what I did and I had laughed in his face. I was just a normal girl and things like this had happened to normal girls. So, how exactly had all these nasty things shaped me into who I was. Well, honestly, it turned me into a runner. If I had stayed where I was I had a feeling that things would just get worse. I stay in my sham marriage, have sham babies, have nothing to live for and eventually, really kill myself. That scared me so I ran away from it, which probably wasn't the best idea, but it was the only real option I had.
I went home that night a little worse for wear to Toby, my sham husband. We had one of those 'if we're 40' pacts, but in one of my depressed stints we brough it foreward, by 21 years. So yes, I was really depressed and lonely, but Toby was nice. We didn't love each other. He hadn't said much about my departure and I never expected him too. I fell into his arms as I went home and told him about the lovely things people had said.
"I'm going to miss you." I said, because it was true.
I had married him for companionship and even thought it wasn't exactly what I wanted, it was nice never to go asleep alone.
"You're drunk." he replied, guiding me upstairs to bed.
"So, you should of come, everyone was there. Julian said the nicest things. But he did say I was trying to be something I'm not. Do you think that?"
"Sometimes."
I crawled into the middle of the bed and Toby took off my shoes.
"Sometimes?"
"You want to be something else, but who doesn't?"
I took off my jacket, but finding it still buttoned I pulled it up over my head and dropped against the pillows. Toby lay next to me. "Just so you know, I'm going to miss you too."
That night I slept with him. Whenever I did it always made me feel bad and I could never understand why. But technically he was my husband and it was my last night. Tomorrow I would be leaving for my new life and my new job in the WWE. I couldn't wait.
.