Author's Note
I'm not usually given to writing romance, and when I do, its not usually the sort of "one true love" fluffy affair that you may be familiar with. I've made an exception here. I wrote this as a favor to another user- that and I wanted to experiment with writing someone else's OTP, purely for the challenge. The resulting fic is, honestly, rather preposterous, but given that it involves a giant robot and a giant monster, how could it not be? Don't expect any realism here. Do expect a few bad puns, some action, and a rather strange looking jaeger.
To the user I wrote this for- I hope you enjoy this. I don't usually write this sort of fic, but I like making people happy. So this one's for you.
To all of my other readers- if you enjoy this, then great. If not, then I'll understand.
The Perfect Kill
By Crankyman7
"I'd thay it'th pretty Turbotathtic, wouldn't you?"
"Sure is."
The first speaker, a diminutive, balding, older man in fancy purple and brown clothing, was gesturing at the massive jaeger that was parked in the bay. The other, a younger woman of twenty-three, allowed her eyes to follow the direction of his gesture, so that they could take in the impressive sight.
The machine was roughly in the shape of a humanoid, and it was colossal- a veritable juggernaut of pink and purple metal. Atop its head was welded a cap-like device that resembled the upper half of a strawberry. The stem, which was golden, was narrow at the base, but widened at the top, flaring outward into the points of a crown. Indeed, for all intents and purposes, it was a crown.
"Which," the older man had assured his companion, "crownth all."
She had not failed to giggle at the joke, would have considered it a sacred obligation even if she hadn't found it humorous. After all, the man was her drift companion. She knew his innermost thoughts and feelings. She knew they were compatible, and not just for drifting. There was a reason why, in addition to becoming his copilot, she had also become his wife.
She gestured to the armor plating.
"The perfect colors."
"Do you even need to thay it aloud? We both know that. Purple-"
"-and pink," she said, finishing for him.
Her companion abruptly held up a scolding finger."
"Thalmon!" he said, sounding slightly miffed. "We've been through this before, Taffyta. It'th not pink- it'th thalmon."
"Oh, sorry," said Taffyta, offering an embarrassed grin.
"And besideth," he continued, "aftet thith many timeth inthide my head, you thhould know that."
"I said I was sorry."
"Well, never mind," said the little man, spinning on his heel. "I'll let it go thith time. But remember- it'th thalmon!"
Taffyta smirked. He was always forgiving her for that mistake. Still, she understood his frustration. She had been inside his head enough times for that. And he had been inside her head enough times to know that if she ever forgot a detail, it wasn't on purpose. At least it wasn't where the color salmon was concerned.
He was still looking rather steamed, so she held up her hands.
"Hey, calm down," she said. "Save your anger for the kaiju."
At this, he relaxed.
"You tho right about that," he said. "Now -hoo hoo- let'th go thhow the kaiju what we can do. Let them beware when King Candy and hith darling wife -that'd be you, my dear- are on patrol!"
Determination in their eyes, they placed the helmets which they held in their hands over their heads.
The moment when a jaeger begins to exit its shatterdome is always an electrifying experience, made even more intense by the drift. The massive legs move in synchronization with the movements of its two pilots, it strides forth, ready to pummel its monstrous foes for the sake of mankind. Every step makes an impact that sends a thrill through the pilots' bodies, and every thrill is magnified by a simultaneous thrill of anticipation for the coming combat.
Such was what King Candy had discovered from the first time he had set foot in a jaeger, and the experience never ceased to bring him joy. That he could have the experience with his drift companion multiplied his joy.
He gazed through the rose-tinted cockpit windows at the bay outside. A smile lit up his face.
"Hoo hoo! Letth go kick thome kaiju pothteriorth!" he exclaimed.
"I know what you're thinking already," said Taffyta. "You don't need to say it out loud."
"Hoo hoo! But it'th tho much fun to thay it out loud."
"True."
Forward their jaeger went, striding towards the edge of the bay. There, it paused.
"Thalmonfudge Theta in pothition," King Candy said into his headset. "We're ready, marthhal."
"It's heading right for you," the voice from the other end of the line shouted. "Brace yourselves!"
There was a sudden crashing of ocean waves as an ugly, serpentine head reared its visage above the surface of the water. Within moments, it was greeted by a pink and purple armored fist.
"Excellent blow!" King Candy exclaimed.
"I know you liked it," Taffyta replied. "I'm in your head."
"Ath you keep on telling me," said King Candy.
At that moment, a clawed, leathery hand streaked across the jaeger's chest. King Candy and Taffyta felt the impact of the blow, but they ignored it. Gritting their teeth, they reached out with Salmonfudge Theta's arms, wrapping the jaeger's fingers around the kaiju's arms. The kaiju roared, struggling to break free.
And that was when the panel on Salmonfudge Theta's chest opened, revealing the row of cannons. As the kaiju thrust it's snarling head towards them, the cannons fired.
"Have thom candy!" King Candy exclaimed.
The lethal, caramelized popcorn struck the kaiju full in the face. There was an explosion. And then King Candy and Taffyta released their jaeger's grip, allowing the headless kaiju to topple over into the waves.
When King Candy and Taffyta returned to their room that night, it was in the knowledge that they had not only saved the city, but that they had scored their fifth kaiju kill to date.
"An impressive accomplishment," Taffyta noted.
"Yeth, but it wath a bit too eathy, wouldn't you thay?"
She turned to her husband.
"Why's that?"
"Well," said King Candy, grinning, "the beatht made itthelf an eathy target by getting a bit ahead of itthelf."