Jack - First Love
Chapter 1
They had been in the same class together since third grade, but they hadn't been friends. Girls are ycchy, Jack thought. Suzie felt the same way about boys. But they waited at the same stop for the school bus each morning, and occasionally had to sit next to each other, although they avoided it whenever possible.
They had an unspoken agreement that they would ignore each other. It seemed to work. But if Jack or Suzie was sick and missed school, he or she would call the other to get the homework. It was just convenient that way.
Suzie hated her name, and had tried to get people to call her Susan, but when she introduced herself that way they always called her Sue. She decided to stick with Suzie. As long as people realize I'm not four any more, she thought, I guess it's okay.
As the years went by a competition developed between them, each wanting to be known as the smartest kid in the class. They always finished one-two, but Suzie was ahead according to last year's grades, and Jack simmered. She always beats me by just one or two answers on every test, Jack thought. How does she do it?
Being together was inescapable. They played the same sports, were in the same class, rode the same bus, and even their parents were friends. When they were smaller, one would go to the other's house while their parents went out, and the babysitter would watch both of them.
One day when they were twelve Jack saw Suzie get on the bus as they were leaving school. He looked at her, really looked at her, for the first time. He realized with a start that girls weren't ycchy after all. She's beautiful, he thought, suddenly hoping that she would sit next to him. But she walked down the aisle of the bus, passing him as though he wasn't there, as Jack had done to her countless times before.
As they got off at their stop, Jack tried to say something, but found that he couldn't talk. Words just wouldn't come. Suzie looked at him strangely, never having seen anyone - especially Jack - speechless before. "'Bye, Jack," she said. Jack managed to make some strangled sound, and Suzie giggled. She stopped as soon as she saw that Jack was miserable. "Are you okay?" she asked. "Can you make it home?"
"Fine," he managed, "I'm fine." Jack turned towards his house and walked away. Suzie headed for the opposite end of the block to her own house, but looked back to see Jack entering his house. Boys are really weird, she thought. And Jack is the weirdest.
As Jack let himself into his house, he felt like he wanted to die. I just totally humiliated himself, he thought. She must think I'm the biggest jerk in the world.
Dejected, he put his school books on the kitchen table, and saw that his mother had left him a snack and a note. "Eat the peanut butter sandwich this time, Jack," the note said. "Don't just throw it away. You need to put on some weight if you want to play hockey. Love, Mom."
The last thing Jack wanted was peanut butter. The thought of food sickened him. My whole life is over, he thought. Suzie will tell everyone at school what happened. They'll all know about it. I can't go back there.
The more he thought about it the sicker he felt, until he barely made it to the bathroom in time. He hadn't eaten since lunch, so there was nothing left in his stomach, but he kept retching until he thought his entire digestive system was gone. And he didn't feel any better afterward.
Although it was against the rules, Jack sat down before the TV in the den and clicked it on. As he sat on the leather couch in the paneled room, he knew he wasn't allowed to watch television before he finished his homework. He thought the rule was stupid. He always did his work. He was first in his class, maybe second, he conceded. He practically got straight A's. And there was no way he could concentrate on his assignments. He just wanted to die.
Jack just stared at the TV, his mind not even registering what was on. His self-pity was interrupted by the phone. It might be Mom, he thought. He had to answer it.
As he said hello, he heard Suzie saying "Hi. I'm just calling to see if you're all right, Jack. You looked awful at the bus stop. Is your Mom home? If she's not you can come over here and my Mom will take care of you until yours gets home."
Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing. She wasn't making fun of him. She sounded genuinely concerned. Maybe my life isn't over, Jack thought. Maybe I can go back to school. He didn't want to get too optimistic. Even though she was calling she might still tell everyone at school how weird he was. But he felt better. He realized that Suzie was a good person, she wasn't mean, and she'd never deliberately hurt anybody. And that includes me, Jack realized. She won't do anything to hurt me.
Jack thought of saying that he was fine, but he really didn't feel that way and besides, he would be able to see Suzie. "I'm okay," Jack said, "but I really don't want to stay alone. Would it be okay if I come over to hang out? Until my Mom comes home?"
"Sure," she said, "come on over. Mom is making lemonade. It'll make you feel better."
"I'll be right there," he said. "I'll bring my books."
"Oh, don't bother," he heard her say. "We don't have that much homework. Why don't you just come over and we'll watch some TV?"
"I'm on my way," Jack said. "See you in a sec."
Lynn Kaufman was always nice to him, and besides, she was a friend of Jack's mom. They played bridge together sometimes. As she opened the door she saw that Jack looked a little green. "Jack, Suzie said you're not feeling well, and it looks like she's right. Where's your mother, Jack? I'll call her to come home."
"You don't have to do that, Mrs. Kaufman. I'm fine. Really."
Jack looked around as Suzie's mom opened the door wider. He hadn't been there since Suzie's tenth birthday party, which his parents had made him go to. It had been torture, all those girls and just a few boys, and Jack had sulked for the rest of the day. He saw that the house was pretty much as he remembered it, but he thought the maroon walls and carpet had been a different color before. That stuff pretty much didn't matter to Jack, but he noticed it just the same. He was noticing lots of different things that day.
Jack walked to the back of the house, to the TV room off the Kaufman's kitchen. Suzie was there, sitting on the grey couch he remembered, with the grey carpet on the floor. She looked at him as he entered. "Are you sure you're okay, Jack?" she asked, concern in her voice. "You looked like you were going to be sick at the bus stop.".
"No, I'm fine," he said. "Maybe it was just the heat."
It was mid June, and already they were having a heat wave. The school had been hot, and the bus was positively stifling. The heat was getting to everybody. Thank goodness next week is the last week before summer vacation, all of the students - and the teachers - thought.
The TV room was air-conditioned, and Jack started to feel better. Mrs. Kaufman brought him a glass of lemonade, and Jack leaned his head against the back of the leather couch. "What do you want to watch, Jack?" Suzie asked.
"I don't know," Jack replied. "I'm not allowed to watch TV until my homework's done, so I don't know what's on before dinnertime."
Suzie clicked the remote until they found something they agreed on, "Jaws." They both liked to be frightened, and this was a great movie for that, although they'd each seen it several times before.
She doesn't seem to think I'm weird, Jack thought, his mind wandering from the TV. She seems okay with me being here. That Suzie was as happy to be with Jack as he was happy to be with her never occurred to him. He didn't know the word, but they were both smitten. Puppy love, some people called it. A first crush.
Suzie's mom brought in popcorn, which they put between them on the couch. Munching popcorn and drinking lemonade made Jack feel much better. The air-conditioning helped, too.
The two became friends. They sat next to each other on the bus sometimes, but they didn't have the courage to sit together in the cafeteria. All of their friends would talk. The boys mostly still felt that girls were awful, and were to be avoided at all cost, although more and more of the girls were changing their minds about boys.
Jack - First Love - Chapter 2
Every year the Middle School had a dance for the eighth grade, just before they graduated to high school. Parents and teachers alike thought it was a good way to break the ice for the kids, more and more of whom were beginning to look at the opposite sex differently. No one went with a date; it was supposed to be fun for the kids, without any pressure.
All of the boys were required to wear slacks and shirts and ties, and no sneakers or jeans were allowed. Almost all of the girls wore dresses. Some were allowed to use make-up for the first time in their lives. Those whose parents wouldn't let them do it yet looked enviously at the girls whose parents had said yes.
All of the kids were nervous about the party. Their older brothers and sisters had scared them with tales of the Middle School parties they'd been to. Stories of boys and girls being forced to dance together made the rounds.
The dance was a success. Soda and cookies were consumed, and the kids started to relax. A few brave boys and girls danced together, but most of the girls danced with each other, and the boys generally stood on the side of the gym, making wisecracks about how the girls looked, but secretly jealous of the boys who'd had the courage to ask a girl to dance.
Jack was one of them. He was dressed in navy pants with a blue dress shirt and a navy and red striped tie his father had let him borrow. His loafers were new, and the cordovan of his shoes matched his belt. He had a tan from the beach, and it had lightened his blonde hair. He went over to Suzie, who was wearing a red and white flowered dress with white sandals. She was one of the girls who had no make-up. Nevertheless, Jack thought she looked beautiful, and he wanted to tell her so, but all he was able to say was "Do you want to dance?" Suzie said yes, and she walked with him to the center of the gym. His father had tried to give him a few pointers on how to dance with a girl, but any of it that had penetrated flew out of his mind. They stood there awkwardly, not sure who should hold who where. But somehow they managed to get it right, and they started to dance.
Neither spoke until the song was finished. Jack managed to ask Suzie, "Do you want to do it again?" Suzie smiled, and they stayed on the dance floor.
After the second song was over the two retreated to their opposite sides of the gym, although they still looked at each other. Suzie saw a group of boys go over to Jack, and she saw him turn bright red. She didn't know what they had said, but it made Jack mad. He took a swing at one of the boys, and missed. Strong arms grabbed Jack from behind, and dragged him away. When he was let go Jack turned around and saw that it was the principal.
"Jack, that isn't like you," he said. "What's gotten into you?"
"I'm sorry, sir," Jack replied, but he didn't answer the question. "It won't happen again. I promise."
The principal decided to let it ride. "It better not, Jack. I don't want to have to call your parents."
Jack reassured him again, but he didn't walk back to the other boys. He just stood there on the side, andl he saw Suzie watching him. She saw it, he thought. She saw me try to hit Trevor. She must think I'm a real jerk. All he could do was stare at his feet. He wanted to die.
"Jack, do you want to dance?" He looked up at Suzie with amazement. "Sure," he stammered. He took her hand and led her back onto the dance floor. It was a fast dance, so they didn't touch each other. They looked at each other as they started to move with the music, and smiled.
The next dance was a slow one, so they put their hands where they'd determined they should go. Jack looked down at her curly black hair, feeling something he couldn't identify. He only knew he felt good.
Jack - First Love - Chapter 3
Since the dance they spent a lot of time together. When Suzie babysat, Jack would keep her company, with the consent of the children's parents, of course. After Suzie put the kids to bed, she and Jack kissed and held hands as they sat on the couch, ostensibly watching TV.
They were going steady by the time they were juniors in high school. The days of teasing from other guys were long since passed, as they'd discovered the mysteries and joys of the opposite sex.
Their parents insisted that they have other friends, so they weren't always together, but they spent as much time with each other as possible. They went to each other's tennis matches, and Suzie watched Jack compete at swim meets. He was an excellent swimmer, and he was becoming a terrific surfer. Suzie tried, but she could never quite get the hang of standing on a narrow board on top of a wave. Jack good-naturedly teased her about this, calling it her only failing.
The two of them were becoming increasingly frustrated with their inability to find any
privacy. She had a standing babysitting job on Friday evenings, and Jack was allowed to keep her company, but on Saturday nights she could go out with Jack alone. They went to movies, they had dinner, they did all sorts of things, but always in public. They wanted to be alone.
They liked thinking of themselves as a couple. There was no question of their dating other people, although their parents wanted it. They thought Jack and Teri were much too young to make a commitment to each other, and that was clearly where they were headed. They just weren't interested in seeing anybody else.
Finally, Jack got his driver's license, and his own car. It opened up a whole new world to them.
The car was an old Pontiac Le Mans, not in the best of condition, but good enough for a teenager to drive around in. The bronze paint was peeling in spots, and there were some stains in the back seat that no one wanted to identify, but the car was comfortable and reliable. Jack's parents had chosen it carefully, and although he'd have preferred something newer, and maybe a little flashier, he took what he could get, and was grateful for it.
Sometimes they double-dated, but usually they chose to be by themselves. When they finished their movie, or dinner, or bowling or shooting pool, Jack drove them to a secluded spot in the Hollywood Hills. He knew a turn-off that he'd been told the police didn't check.
For the first time Jack and Teri were able to do what normal teenagers do. They learned about each other's bodies, as well as their own. But they never went 'too far.' Jack would never have sex with Suzie in a car. It would cheapen their love. He would be thrilled if they could be anywhere else. But nothing seemed to work out.
As Jack fondled her breasts beneath her opened shirt and unfastened bra, Suzie gave a little moan. She touched Jack below his belt, and he moaned in response. He felt his self-control slipping away. I can't take any more of this, he thought. I'm going to explode.
Jack pulled away from Suzie, surprising her. "No," he told her. "No more." Suzie pulled back as though she'd been slapped. "Oh, Baby, it's not you," he told her. "It's just that I don't think I can wait any more. If we keep doing this I won't be able to stop."
Suzie sat up straight and fastened her bra and buttoned her blouse. She bit her lip before she said, "Jack, will you take me home, please?" She sounded like she would cry.
"Suzie, wait," Jack said, confused. "What's wrong? Don't you understand why I stopped? I want you more than anything, but not here, not in the car. It's going to be beautiful for us, but not in the damn car."
As he looked at her he saw tears run down her cheeks. He went to hold her but she folded her arms and wouldn't let him touch her. "Suzie, what did I do? Please, Suzie, don't cry. Please don't cry."
He sat there in agony for a couple of minutes. Suzie didn't said a word. She just cried noiselessly, and Jack was unnerved. He wanted to cry, too, but he decided to try again, one more time.
"Baby, please talk to me. Tell me what I did. I want to make it right, but I don't know what I did wrong. Please!" He felt more miserable than he ever had
"What is it, Baby?" He was frightened. He'd never made her cry, and he hated himself for doing it now. But what had he done? What could he do to make it right?
"Jack," she started, still in a voice that was no more than a whisper. "I can't take it any more."
"What do you mean, Baby? What can't you take?"
"I can't keep doing this. We come up here every weekend, and I want you so much, but it seems like you tease me each time. You make me want you more than anything, and then you stop. I can't see you any more. Please take me home."
"Not before we talk this out, Baby. You've got it all wrong. I'm not just going to let you go. I love you. I want to be with you forever. I won't let you leave me." Jack felt a desperation he'd never before experienced. She has to listen, he thought. I've got to get her to listen.
"Jack, it's too hard for me, to start and get all excited, and then suddenly you stop. Don't you want me?"
Jack closed his eyes for a moment. She must not have heard me, he thought. I have to get her to listen to me. The thought was foremost in his mind.
"Suzie, didn't you hear what I said before? I want you more than anything in the world, but not in the car. That's not how we're going to do it. We're not going to make love in the back seat. I'll find another place we can be together. Just don't leave me!"
"Do you mean that, Jack? Do you really, really mean that?"
"Yes, I mean it, Baby. I mean it. And I'll do it right away."
Jack - First Love - Chapter 4
Jack didn't know what to do. His hormones were overtaking his thought processes, and he was desperate to find a place where he and Suzie could finally make love. Doing it in either of their houses was unacceptable. They knew it would be hurtful to their parents if they ever found out. Besides, it just didn't seem right. So Jack had to find somewhere else.
Jack counted the money he'd saved from his allowance, and decided he had enough to pay for a motel room. Even though they wouldn't be able to use it for the entire night, because they both had to be home at what their parents called 'a reasonable hour' - their parents thought they were mature enough not to need a specific curfew - and they took the rule seriously. They rarely got home after 12:30, 1 A.M at the latest. They were both good kids whose glands seemed to be overwhelming them.
Jack found a motel four towns away, where he was pretty sure no one would recognize his car or see them entering or leaving the room. With Suzie in the car the next Saturday night, Jack drove to the motel. What he hadn't counted on was the clerk in the office asking for his driver's license. They wouldn't give a room to someone under eighteen. Jack was only seventeen, and he didn't have a fake ID.
As Jack went back to the car he didn't know what to tell Suzie. They were both worked up by the thought of finally being able to make love, and he knew she'd be as disappointed as he was. He needed to find another place, and he had to do it that night. Otherwise he was afraid his want for her would overcome his resolve not to make love in the car. He tried to stifle any thought of weakening.
Jack told Suzie what had happened in the motel office, and he could tell she was disappointed, but she didn't take it out on him as she had the week before. She'd very much regretted how she'd acted towards Jack. Suzie really loved him, and she'd been unfair to him. She'd apologized to Jack profusely, but all he'd needed to hear were the words 'I'm sorry.' That was enough.
They decided to try to find another place. They couldn't all require proof of age. As they drove down the road they noticed another motel that had individual cabins. Again Jack went into the motel office, and this time the clerk just gave him a key when he registered. Jack used a different name. He wasn't concerned about his own reputation, but he didn't want anyone to ever be able to connect Suzie with this.
As soon as Jack closed and locked the cabin door they started to undress each other. Finally they saw each other's naked bodies. Their need for each other increased.
As they lay down on the bed, Jack felt himself lose control. He was humiliated, but most of all he knew that he'd let Suzie down. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He tried to explain, but she cut him off. "It's okay, Jack. It doesn't matter. We still have time."
Jack felt tremendous relief, and he took the opportunity to explore her body. He could tell by her soft sounds what gave her pleasure. He was happy beyond words when he felt her tense, and then relax. He'd pleased her. And then he realized that he was ready again.
It went as well as they could ever have hoped for. After some initial fumbling and a gasp from Suzie they settled into a natural rhythm, which ended in a moan from Jack and then a release. As he held her afterward he kissed the top of her head, as she moved her hand over his chest. It had been wonderful for both of them, and they felt relief that the anticipation was finally over. They knew that it would get even better.
Jack was careful to set the alarm on the nightstand before they drifted off to sleep. He wasn't going to take a chance of getting Suzie into trouble by being late. His last thought was that he loved her, and he always wanted to be with her.
Jack - First Love - Chapter 5
Jack had set the clock so they could get up in plenty of time to return home at what his and Suzie's parents considered a reasonable time. What he hadn't counted on was their need for each other again.
Suzie understood the time constraint, so she told Jack immediately that she was ready for him. He couldn't have held back if he'd wanted to, and as they melded together they both felt that this was perfect. He was the only one who felt the earth move, but Jack understood that it had been wonderful for Suzie, too.
They hurriedly dressed, and left for home. They knew that this night would always be special.
After that they were eager to find a spot where they could make love again. Jack couldn't afford another motel room, and even with Suzie's allowance it still wasn't enough, so they had to find someplace else.
Suzie's parents decided to take a long weekend mini-vacation, and they asked Suzie if she thought she could stay home alone. Her parents would only be two hours away, and they were confident in her maturity. She'd always been a responsible child, and that hadn't changed as she went through her teenage years. So her parents left on their trip, and Suzie and Jack were alone in her house.
Their resolve not to do it there disappeared. This was the perfect opportunity to be together, and they knew it might not happen again. So that Thursday night at seven-thirty, after her parents left, Suzie happily opened the door for Jack, thrilled by what she knew would soon happen. Jack took one look at her, and hoped he wouldn't repeat his disaster in the motel. He didn't want to disappoint Suzie again, and besides, it was a school night, and Jack was expected home no later than eleven.
They went to Suzie's bedroom, where she had made sure there were fresh sheets. As before, they undressed each other, and lay on the bed.
Once again they explored each other's bodies, now having a better idea of how to please each other. Suzie gave soft little moans as they moved together, and she again felt Jack tense, and then release. Then he made sure that she enjoyed the same pleasure.
Then they lay in each other's arms, kissing gently. After a while, she felt that Jack was ready again, and she gave herself to him. The experience was more wonderful each time.
Eventually Jack looked at the clock, and saw that it was 10:30. He had time to hold her some more. He got up from the bed at 10:45, and dressed. After kissing Suzie tenderly, he went home.
They spent a large part of Saturday in bed. Finally, after making love twice more, they decided to go out to dinner. They needed to be seen in public, at least for part of the time. Otherwise word that they hadn't been spotted might get back to their parents, and neither of them could risk that.
They both felt mildly guilty, like they were betraying Suzie's parents' trust, but their desire for each other overcame those feelings. Jack went to Suzie's house early that Sunday, and it was even more wonderful than before.
Jack reluctantly left her early that afternoon, because she wasn't sure when her parents would return. After he left Suzie put her sheets in the wash, although she didn't want to lose the smell of Jack that was there. She again made her bed, and all clues of their wonderful weekend were gone.
Jack - First Love - Chapter 6
They stole whatever moments they could, taking advantage of every opportunity to be alone. They reveled in the knowledge of their love for each other, and they had no doubt they would spend their lives together.
They decided to attend UCLA, and were pleased when they were both accepted. Jack intended to go to law school, and Suzie wanted to be a pediatrician. They knew that they'd have to work hard in college, something they hadn't had to do in high school, where they'd breezed through their classes. They were still first and second in their grade, the ranking depending on who got 100 on a test, and who only got a 98. They were still competitive, but not with each other anymore.
As the end of their senior year approached, they got ready for their prom. Suzie got a beautiful taffeta gown, a black strapless dress with a band of the same taffeta around the top. Jack rented a tuxedo and arranged to get Suzie a corsage. Suzie got Jack a boutonniere.
Some of the guys had arranged to rent a limousine for the night, and Jack chipped in. All of the kids met at Jack's friend Aaron's house, and their parents were there to take pictures. It was like a photo opportunity for the press corps at the White House. The kids were half-blinded by all of the camera flashes, but they took it good-naturedly. They were all a bit nervous, but far more eager for the night to start.
Jack thought he'd never seen Suzie look more beautiful. Her hair was up in a french twist, although Jack had no idea what the style was called, and Suzie's mother had let her borrow her diamond earrings for the occasion.
Suzie thought Jack was the most handsome boy she would ever see. She was thrilled with the red rose corsage he'd chosen for her, knowing that red was her favorite color. It's perfect for her, he'd thought when he had gone to the florist. With her black hair and incredibly big black eyes, the corsage, which her mother had helped pin to her dress, only accentuated her beauty. Jack knew that she was the most stunning girl in the world.
The prom was everything they'd imagined. The hotel where the dance was held was elegant, and the food was wonderful. Jack and Suzie danced every dance together. Jack wouldn't let any of his friends cut in. He wasn't sharing her with anybody.
It was customary for the kids to go to the beach when the prom itself was over. They had all left clothes at Aaron's house, and they made a racket as they changed out of their gowns and tuxedos. The laughter never stopped. If anything, they were even more excited than they'd been at the beginning of the evening.
After everyone had changed, they went out to the stretch limo. There were sixteen of them, eight couples, but somehow they all managed to squeeze in together, and they left for the beach.
Some of the boys had gone there the afternoon before and had set up a bonfire, all ready to light. Miraculously, it hadn't been used, and it was still in the same condition as when they'd set it up. As they lit the fire, they all settled around it.
Jack and Suzie knew they wouldn't make love that night, so they contented themselves with kissing and holding each other. Two of the couples had gone into the dunes, but Jack and Suzie resisted. They weren't about to make love on the beach, with others nearby. They knew that what they had was personal. It would remain private.
As dawn came, they all felt fatigue for the first time. Slowly, reluctantly, they all headed for the limousine, which dropped them off at their own houses. The kids tumbled into their beds, and slept for hours.
Two days later was Suzie's friend, Cathy's birthday. Suzie, Cathy and their friend Jill had a tradition, dating back to fifth grade. They'd sleep over at the birthday girl's house, and the next day they would go to a movie, and then out for ice cream, then continue their sleepover that night. The only difference was that they no longer needed a parent to drive.
It was Cathy's birthday, and she decided they should see The Birdcage, a comedy they'd heard great things about. Suzie was designated as the driver, as her car was the newest of the girls', and a convertible. On Friday evening Suzie picked up Jill, and they drove to Cathy's house to start their ritual.
Jack was disappointed that he wouldn't see Suzie that week-end but he was sentimental, too, and he understood how much being with Jill and Cathy meant to her. He kissed her goodnight as she got into her car to drive to Jill's.
Jack spent Saturday playing softball, and he went out to a movie with some of the other boys. It was a "guy" type movie, the opposite of a chick-flick, and one that Jack knew Suzie wanted to see. The boys made jokes about holding hands with each other, for they were far more used to going to the movies with their girlfriends. Although he missed her, he was sure she was having fun, and that was all he wanted.
On Sunday morning after church Jack called Suzie to see how her week-end with her friends had gone. He was eager to see her, and he hoped they could do something together.
Mrs. Kaufman answered, and Jack asked to speak to Suzie. There was a pause before Mrs. Kaufman spoke. Finally, she said, "Oh my God, Jack, you don't know!"
Jack's heart stopped. He asked, "Know about what, Mrs. Kaufman? Is Suzie there?"
The answer was a sob. "What happened, Mrs. Kaufman? Where's Suzie?"
There was another pause, and Mr. Kaufman came on the line. "I don't know how to tell you this, Jack," he managed to say. "There was an accident. Suzie's dead." He started to cry, but Jack didn't notice. He was numb. None of this was real.
"No!" he finally screamed. "No!"
Jack's parents came running in. They saw the look on Jack's face, and knew that some terrible thing had happened.
"What's wrong, Jack?" his father asked. "What happened?"
"Suzie's dead, Dad. She's dead." Jack said this dully. He was in shock.
John Bauer saw that Jack was still holding the phone, and he gently took it from him. All John heard was crying. "Mike," he said, "Mike?"
A strangled sound came from the other end. "John, Suzie's dead," Jack's father heard. "Suzie's dead."
"We'll be right over," Jack's dad said. He turned to Jack's mom. "Something terrible has happened. Suzie Kaufman is dead."
All of the color drained from Marion Bauer's face. She looked at Jack, who couldn't talk. He seemed about to collapse. "Jack? Jack?" she asked. He didn't hear her.
"Son, do you want to go over to the Kaufmans?" John asked. "I think we should.
Jack somehow managed to walk out of his house and up the block. When he and his parents got to the Kaufman's front door, they found it was already open. Suzie's parents and her older brother Eli were in the living room, along with two other men. Detectives, John Bauer thought. Whatever happened to Suzie, she didn't die of natural causes.
Eli came over to Jack, and hugged him. They both cried.
The detectives said they had all the information they needed for the time being, and would be back if the necessity arose. John Bauer walked to where Mike Kaufman sat, and gently asked what had happened.
"After she dropped off Cathy and Jill she was driving home. A drunk driver crossed
the center line, and hit her head on. The bastard was doing about ninety. Suzie died instantly." He talked as if by rote.
Jack felt a part of himself die. He knew it was gone forever, along with the future he and Suzie should have had. Jack was angry with the driver, and he was angry with God. He thought his life was over.
Jack - First Love - Epilogue
Jack stood at Suzie's graveside, still numb. Although Jack wasn't officially a mourner, he stood with the Kaufmans, with his parents behind him. Everyone at the cemetery knew of his relationship with Suzie. They all knew that these kids were meant to spend their lives together. They couldn't even begin to imagine his pain.
The Rabbi was just finishing the service, and he explained a Jewish custom of burial. All of the mourners and friends could shovel some dirt onto the coffin, as a sign of love and respect.
After the Kaufmans had finished, Eli handed the shovel to Jack. When Jack took it he lost control. He started shoveling in dirt as though he would fill the grave all by himself. Gently, his father took hold of his arm, and took the shovel from him. Still in a daze, Jack walked back to where his parents were. He knew that he had just buried himself.
The drunk driver - who Jack forever thought of as the bastard - managed to get a plea bargain, from vehicular manslaughter to assault with intent to injure. He was sentenced to six months house arrest, and five years probation. The bastard doesn't even have to go to jail, Jack thought. He murdered the most gentle, loving, caring person on the planet, and he doesn't even have to go to jail!
Jack felt as devastated when the drunk was sentenced as he had at the funeral. He needed this bastard to suffer. Not that his suffering could ever come close to Jack's, but for him to escape punishment was more than Jack could take.
Jack felt totally betrayed by the criminal justice system. Justice, he thought bitterly. There's no justice.
Without noticing it, Jack developed a resolve to do whatever he could to prevent other people from having to suffer as he was. He didn't know what he would do, but he sure as hell wasn't going to be a lawyer. Lawyers didn't help people, they just got the guilty off. He didn't want any part of their system. It stinks, he thought.
Jack went to the courthouse the day after the sentencing. He looked up the bastard's records, and wrote down his home address. He couldn't count on anyone else to make things right. It was up to him. He had to do this in Suzie's memory. He had to do this for Suzie.
He put out of his mind the thought that Suzie wasn't, hadn't been a vengeful person. He knew she wouldn't have approved of his plan, but he refused to be swayed by that.
On the six-month anniversary of Suzie's death, Jack drove to the bastard's house. He knew that the man would be home; it was part of his sentence. As he got out of the car, Jack brought a baseball bat.
Jack approached the house, but suddenly felt himself grabbed from behind. He flailed around, trying to free himself, but he couldn't get out of the hold on him. "Jack, Jack, this isn't the way," he heard his dad say. "This isn't how to make things right."
Jack turned as his father loosened his grip. "You followed me!" he said. "Just leave me alone!"
"I'm not going to let you ruin your life, Son. This isn't right, and you know it. And this isn't what Suzie would want."
"How the hell do you know what Suzie would want? I loved her, I was going to marry her, I was going to spend my life with her. You didn't know her, you didn't love her. You have no idea what she would want." Jack was furious with his dad for interfering. This was something he had to do. He didn't care what his father thought.
"Son, ruining your life won't bring Suzie back. Nothing will. I know how much you're hurting, and I'm not telling you that it'll ever stop. It never will. But you'll get used to the pain, and you'll learn to live with it. I'm not saying you'll stop loving Suzie, 'cause I know that'll never happen. But someday you'll make your peace with it, and you'll start living your life again. That's what Suzie would have wanted."
He continued, "I know how much she loved you, Jack. If she was here she'd tell you that what you're planning is wrong. She'd tell you to start living your life. It'll never be the same life you would have had with her, but your life isn't over."
John Bauer paused to see if his words had had any effect on his son. He saw Jack's breathing start to return to normal, and his fist slowly unclench. The hand gripping the bat relaxed. Gradually, he saw Jack's eyes start to focus, and he looked at his father.
"How do I do it, Dad?" Jack whispered. "My whole life is gone. I'll never love anyone else."
"That's not true, Son. You'll find someone, some day. I'm not saying you'll love the woman the way you loved Suzie, but you'll love her in your own way, and you'll be able to make a life with her. You'll find happiness again, Jack. Don't give up on life. And don't throw it away. You can't bring Suzie back. And this bastard isn't worth giving up your life for. Let it go, Son. As hard as it is, let it go."
Jack finally accepted his dad's words. He wasn't convinced that revenge was wrong, but he acknowledged to himself that Suzie wouldn't have wanted this.
After Jack put the bat in the trunk of his car his father followed him home. Throughout the drive Jack came to a conclusion. This wasn't right, he thought. It's not right. And he couldn't accept the idea that there was no justice. Some people didn't deserve to live, but he knew his father was right. Jack couldn't be the one to kill the bastard. Jack vowed to himself that he'd never let anyone get away with hurting the people he loved. He didn't care what it might cost him. It would be worth it.
What Jack didn't realize was that he had set off in a direction that would forever make him a loner, a maverick, convinced that the system couldn't always be relied on, if this concept called right and wrong was to be served. Sometimes things really were black and white. Sometimes you just had to break the rules.