All he could think to do was drive.
His usual poker face was missing, every emotion his body could stir up danced across his face. Not just dancing, they were parading, twisting and twirling, swaying back and forth, like a wave. Like hundreds of waves, pent up feelings that had lay dormant for as long as he could remember were now gloriously mocking him.
He couldn't believe he had lain there and allowed his tears to fall. Not like that.
So, with his purple discoloured skin slowly healing, all he could do was drive. The rain hitting the windscreen as he pressed his foot closer to the floor. The purring roar of the engine contained by the water that was falling rapidly from the sky stopping the echo from calling out across the dark night. The scenery flying by. His eye's didn't notice, they were focused, determined. Sad.
His mind twisted and ran around in his head. His thoughts conflicting, battling with each other. Had he not have been in his current state of mind he would have laughed at the irony of the situation.
His phone broke the silence. The song playing loud within the small confines of the car until it stopped. Reaching over his eyes briefly flicked to the offending item and he switched it off, dropping it on the seat beside him as he pressed on through the night.
He didn't know how long he had been driving, or how far he had travelled, but eventually he almost literally ran out of road. Turning the key, he pulled it out of the ignition, sitting still his eyes looking ahead, but not seeing what was in front of him, he eventually opened the door and climbed out.
Walking for a while his breath catching in the cold of the air, puffing out in essence his confusion being blowing into the dark sky, illuminated by the dull light of the solitary light high up on the ageing wooden post above his head, he stopped.
His hands wrapping tightly around the cracked and flaking wood of the railing, his eyes looking out at the silhouettes of trees and hills, the stars that dotted the sky. Looking out over the expanse, over the heavy thoughts that sat on his shoulders, that stomped around almost brutally in his head.
He was to blame. It was his fault they were in this mess. Pursing his lips he thought back, if he had only held on, if only he hadn't cracked. His mind shook the thought from his still body. No, he shouldn't think that way. But he couldn't help it. He thought about what he had done, what he was doing and what he would do. There was no way he could help, no way that he could stop it.
He thought about his life, thought about the things he had faced, the situations he had found himself in, the muscle in his jaw flexed as his mind whispered to him. He thought about the one constant in his life, the one thing he still had to hold on to, the one thing he would always protect. His face faltered briefly letting his true emotion show. It was less shock, more of a realisation.
The realisation that he couldn't protect him any more.
No.
He knew deep inside that he would, but he knew that after everything, after knowing what he knew, he couldn't protect him any more.
It was then that those words spoken in secrecy all that time ago screamed deep within him.
Save him or kill him.
It was those words that made his stomach drop. He clasped his hands together, his forearms resting on the railing as he leant. His head now dropped, his eyes closed.
It wasn't just him and his little brother any more.
Inhaling deeply, he stood upright, finally looking out over the gentle ripples of the water as the sunrise broke through the hills, reflecting like a mirror.
He knew then what he had to do. He had to fight, he had to.
It wasn't just shame or fear he was showing, that had been taken over by something else. If you didn't know him his stoic expression would reveal nothing, but if you just looked, really looked you could see the emotion within his eyes. Gone were those emotions, pushed aside he only had time for one. Determination.
This was his mess, his fault and he wasn't going to let it continue. Whatever the cost he had to stop it.
His long strides took him back towards the car. He was back in protector mode.
Even as he slid back into the car and turned the key in the ignition, he felt his insides drop, and a throbbing in the back of his mind, that he tried to ignore.
He manoeuvred the car around and headed back the way that he came.
To face his biggest fear and his biggest challenge.
Save him or kill him...