This story is based on real events and real things that have happened to me. It's about spousal abuse and it's a topic that is REALLY personal and close to my heart. This hurt so much to write but I needed to write it, just to get it out. I wasn't even going to post this here but…I don't know. Somehow I feel like that's the right thing to do. It's pretty crappy but I was too busy tearing up to think about structure so I hope nothing is too confusing.
Warnings: This might also be a little OOC. Since I didn't plan on posting this at first, the characters are a little OOC. I think so at least. Nothing too detailed in terms of the violence. That was too hard to write too. I was going to include loads more in here but again, too painful. That's kind of irrelevant though. Oh. Please no flames guys. Constructive criticism is nice but if you want to flame me, please do it on any of my other stories. Just not this one. I don't think I can take it.
Oh. This is my first song-fic and Kingdom Hearts fic. So be nice? –smiles-
Summary: His eyes though…it was like…they were the only thing that belonged to him anymore. Everything else….it was so marked, so owned, so…damaged. Abuse. Song-fic.
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts or the song. It belongs to Skillet.
Never Surrender
Do you know what it's like when
You're scared to see yourself?
Do you know what it's like when
You wish you were someone else
Who didn't need your help to get by?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?
The blonde boy hesitated before stepping up to the gold-framed mirror in his apartment bathroom. He'd put it off for too long. It had just been a few hours but he dreaded what would meet him in that mirror. He knew it would be awful. A complexion laced with blue, red, and yellow; bruises running straight, sideways, and even in round patterns around his eyes. He'd most certainly look like he'd broken something, even if he hadn't.
He sighed and stepped in front of the mirror, resting has hands on the sink in front of him and opened his eyes.
He cringed at his own reflection. There were cuts lining his cheeks in erratic patterns. He hadn't even felt them. He had bruises laced in all the areas where it felt swollen and tender when he had woken up, just like he had expected. Blue, red, and yellow. The blue wasn't so bad, but…the yellow. It made him look sick. Like he had…some disease or something. He didn't like it. He looked so ugly.
How could Axel love THIS? His lower lip started trembling. He quickly wiped away what few tears had clogged up his eyes and reached for his makeup kit in the cupboard. He grabbed his foundation brush and dipped it in the liquid concealer, and started applying it to the darkest areas with a steady hand. He'd done this before. His eyes, his cheeks, and his jaw were soon covered in a light brown…still darker than his usual pale complexion. His lip was still broken and slightly bluish. Nothing he could do about that. It was OK. He wasn't seeing anyone today so…Sora wouldn't really bother him about it again. He was grateful.
His eyes though…it was like…they were the only thing that belonged to him anymore. Everything else….it was so marked, so owned, so…damaged. Not his eyes though. They were still vibrant and cobalt blue. Like the day he met Axel.
He exhaled a shaky sigh and applied the last of the covering make up to his face. He usually wore black eyeshadow and heavy eyeliner but…nowadays it felt like a mockery of his bruised and battered self. He couldn't bring himself to apply it.
His hair looked weird now. He had a chunky side bang consisting of half his hair just to cover up that eye. The one Axel liked so much. It always hurt and it was always tender to the touch. He didn't even dare touching his hair for fear of seeing it again. Last time he checked, it was black. Not even Kat von D's tattoo concealer could cover up that one. He sighed and wiped the tears away. He flinched. Yup, still black.
He checked his reflection one more time and tried to smile. He winced. His lip was bleeding. He'd have to be careful with that. He reached into his make up kit and got out chapstick. He spread it evenly with his fingertips. Putting the hard stick to his mouth would probably be too painful. He smiled again, and this time it went smoother. Axel should be home soon.
He stepped out of the bathroom and trudged closer to his bed, laying down it softly. He stared up into the ceiling and just listened to the low hum of the appliances. It felt so empty without him. He checked the clock. Yeah, he would be home soon.
He was quickly snapped out of his thoughts when the door to the apartment he shared with his boyfriend clicked open. He heard footsteps, the firm pattern, almost stomping as it got closer and closer and louder in volume. He could be so loud. Roxas smiled.
"Hey, baby." The large redhead smiled in the doorway, leaning nonchalantly against the closed door, "How are you feeling?" he said softly, carefully.
Roxas smiled. Not sadly or joyfully. Contently he would say. Yeah, contently. He was so happy to see Axel. He'd waited so long.
"I just woke up." He bit his lip waiting for Axel's answer.
"Did you now?"
"Mmm."
Axel smirked and casually straightened up, away from the place he'd been leaning on and strode over, slowly, very slowly. He was always careful even if he was calculating. He cared, it was just…so difficult to tell sometimes. What mattered was that Roxas knew. He knew he cared and that he loved him.
He finally reached Roxas and towered over him, inches away from his frame but not touching. He knew that he could if he wanted to, and Roxas knew that, but…Axel liked it when he loved him. Hugged him and embraced him and told him.
"I missed you." Roxas looked up into glinting green eyes, full of mischief and excitement, but most of all secrecy.
"Mmm." Axel hummed and embraced the younger man. Or boy. He wasn't really a man. At 19 he was still a boy, even if the redhead was just a year older at 20, he couldn't really be called a man. After all, he needed him like a baby chick needs its mother; he needed Axel. He didn't exist without him. Couldn't exist without him. Without Axel he was only Roxas…and he couldn't bear it.
Axel leaned down to capture his lips and Roxas opened his mouth obediently. It was sweet, loving, and so Axel, and he treasured every second.
Roxas loved Axel's sweet side. He didn't have to force him into anything because he was the one choosing to stay, not Axel. He wanted Axel to touch him, to love him, to make love to him, but it wasn't always like that. Couldn't always be like that. But Roxas knew that and made the most of it.
"You ready?" the redhead smiled gently as he peered into the eyes of his effeminate lover lying underneath him, naked, flushed, trembling and…
"Yeah."
Axel thrust in.
He wished he wasn't so weak to all his boyfriend's kisses and touches. He wished he could say no and leave him for good. He wished he could be stronger, more independent, resolute, and…different. There's a limit to how much people can change and he just wanted…to be someone else. Sora would know how to handle this. If he was more like Sora then maybe…
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender
"I'm leaving." The redhead grabbed his keys and made his way for the door.
Roxas reacted immediately and averted his attention from his laptop, his eyes wide and focused on the muscular form of Axel, clad head to toe in black.
"Where are you going?"
Axel checked his phone for the time and pocketed his keys.
"Out."
Roxas was on high alert; he didn't want Axel to leave. Not now. Not again.
"Umm…when will you be back?" he asked timidly.
"Late." And the door slammed before he could say anything to make him stay and he was gone.
Roxas stared at the closed door for what seemed like hours but which was probably only minutes. He always left. Why did he always have to leave? Every minute away from him was an eternity of nothingness and the stinging in his chest had already started. It would get worse; the longer he was gone, the emptier he felt, and…he just felt so used. He always hoped Axel would come back. Change his mind and just come back to him and they could spend the rest of the night cuddling up, watching a movie, and Axel would fall asleep because the movie would just be so cheesy but Roxas would love it and...but that never happened. Axel never changed his mind. He never came back.
It was always like this. Axel would fuck him, make him feel loved and wanted, and things would be great for days and then…all of a sudden…he would become aloof, distant, and…he'd go out. Roxas didn't know where he went or with whom but he had his suspicions. Axel was attractive. And so, so desirable and Roxas knew that he could get anyone he wanted. But he'd chosen Roxas. Not some girl. Despite not being completely gay, Axel had chosen Roxas.
"You're beautiful." The words echoed in his head and a lone tear fell from his eyes. He brought his palm up to wipe it off, but doing that only seemed to make him more sad because Axel wasn't the one to wipe it off this time. To comfort him. He started sobbing. It was what Axel always told him and it would always make him feel so special. Axel, the sex god, calling him, Roxas the pathetic loser, beautiful. It was…completely ridiculous. He was so unworthy of Axel's love but he couldn't help wanting more. It was never enough. Those sweet kisses, the tender embraces; it was the only thing that was keeping them together. The glue in their otherwise incomprehensible relationship. He burrowed his face into his hands and tried to make the pain go away.
"I love you." He whispered to the nothingness. "I love you so fucking much."
He wished Axel would just come home.
The door slammed and he was abruptly woken up. He sat up in bed, listening to the loud clatter of what sounded like plates breaking and pans…clashing? Umm…? He pulled on his South Park pajama pants, going commando, and scampered silently into the kitchen. He listened for a moment longer to Axel's furious grumbling and worked up the courage to peer around the corner.
Axel spotted him immediately.
"Hey baby…" Roxas tried quietly. It was always a task to calm down the older man. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't but he always had to tread on thin ice close to him when he was like this, careful not to say something that might make him even angrier.
Axel growled but didn't say anything.
"Did you have fun?" he tried with a small smile.
Axel only glared in return.
"Did something happen?" he could tell Axel was getting annoyed but he couldn't help himself. He'd just missed him so much. He padded over to Axel and buried his face in the redhead's chest. "I've missed you."
Axel growled and pushed him away, causing Roxas to crash into the fridge, the back of his head colliding with it harshly. He gasped. He stared wide-eyed at Axel and his lower lip started to tremble. It hurt. His eyes started welling with tears but he made no move to stop them like he normally would. He couldn't move.
"Roxy…" Axel started in a more gentle tone. His face was full with compassion and as Roxas looked up he could tell the man regretted pushing him.
Axel slowly came up to Roxas, keeping eye contact all the way, smiling gently when he reached him, towering over him and trapping him with hands on each side of the blonde's head.
He leaned his face down and placed a soft kiss on his boyfriend's forehead.
"Baby…" Axel tried when he got no verbal response from Roxas.
Roxas started sniffling and those small sounds soon turned into full-blown bawling as Axel brought him to his chest, holding him as if he was a small child in need of some serious love. And Roxas really did feel that way.
Roxas fisted his hands in Axel's black shirt. It smelled so much like him. What would normally calm him down at this point was now causing him to cry even harder. He could smell the alcohol on his lover's lips; smell the cigarette smoke in that fabric. Axel had been drinking and he'd been at a bar. Alone. You never leave a bar alone. He moaned into the fabric, his voice being muffled.
"Shhh." Axel soothed, but nothing seemed to be working. Roxas just cried, cried, and cried, and no amount of coaxing; gentle whispers, kind words, nothing could make him stop. Axel just kept chewing on his heart and spitting it out and trampling all over it, then last minute, he'd come back only to break him all over again. It was an endless cycle.
It hurt so fucking much.
"Baby…" Axel tried again.
Roxas looked up through tear soaked eyelashes.
"Why are you doing this?" he paused, gauging a reaction, his eyes glazed over from all the tears, "Am I not good enough? Why, Axel? Why are you doing this?" he started hiccupping with the force of his sobbing. He could hardly breathe.
Axel sighed heavily.
Roxas just buried his face deeper his chest. Axel sighed.
The words were muffled but Axel could make them out, "I can't do this anymore, Ax. Please. I love you but…I can't do this."
Roxas tightened his grip on Axel, digging his hands into his boyfriend's waist and pulling him closer, contradicting his own words.
He heard it. It was faint, even more so because it was muffled by his shirt, but he heard it.
"Don't leave me."
Axel brought his hand up and tilted Roxas face so he was eye to eye with him. Those emerald eyes were as intense as he remembered, even that first meeting they'd had when Axel had first pestered him about going out on a date.
"No, thank you." He replied to the persistent man. His confidence and those…smirks really creeped him out. He wished they would just stop harassing him, all these men and women alike, bothering him because he of his effeminate appearance. Especially this one.
Axel smirked, then leaned close to the blonde boy's ear and whispered something. Roxas instantly stiffed up and blushed crimson, and sped up and rushed away from the redhead. Axel watched him leave, chuckling.
"You're so beautiful." And he kissed him, long and soft, but it was OK, it was always OK, it would always be OK. Axel would always fix it. One kiss and it was as if nothing had ever happened. All the pain would leave and it was just them again. No matter what the problem, he could always count on Axel to make him feel better again.
"I love you, I love you, I love you." Roxas whispered like a mantra in between kisses as tears still continued to leak from his eyes and Axel cupped his cheek, his thumb caressing the soft skin of Roxas cheek.
"I know you do." and he smiled, "Let's go to bed, hmm?" and Roxas nodded.
"Yeah."
Do you know what it's like when
You're not who you wanna be?
Do you know what it's like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who sees the things in me I can't hide?
Do you know what it's like
To wanna surrender?
"I don't want to hear it!" he yelled, "You dirty fucking lying whore!" he hovered above the whimpering mess that was Roxas, beaten and bruised and bleeding. He cowered away from the voice, knowing all too well by now what would come next, "You cock slut. Mine not enough? I thought you said you love me, hmm? Or is it only my cock you love? Which is it Roxas?" he screamed the last words making Roxas yelp out in fear.
"I haven't! Axel, I swear! Please…just…please believe me!" the tears flowed freely down his cheeks and he whimpered and writhed, trying to get away but it was useless. Axel already had him pinned down with his foot, and one wrong move on Roxas' part would be the end of him. Axel could squash him in a second.
"You lying WHORE!" and that was it. The punches were so hard and rough and there was blood and the next thing he knew he couldn't breathe and there was a stabbing pain but not in his cheek 'cause he couldn't feel it in his cheek and then he couldn't see or hear or feel anymore. The room went black.
Roxas' eyes went wide when he noticed just WHO was hovering over him, touching him with what appeared to be a cotton pad. Axel noticed him going rigid because he leaned back in his chair and sighed.
"It's gonna hurt more later if I don't do this now."
Roxas gulped and nodded hesitantly.
"Good," he leaned over and put some disinfectant on a pad and padded it over one of the cuts on Roxas' face. The blonde let out a shriek upon contact.
"It stingssss." He scrunched his eyes closed.
"Shhh." He soothed, "It's almost over, baby, just a little more." And Roxas persevered because despite the pain, despite the excruciating agony from earlier, and the pain that was so minor compared to that that he was experiencing now, he knew Axel would make it up to him.
Roxas watched Axel bandage him up, disinfecting wounds and applying cream to places he couldn't even feel. He supposed his body was blocking out the pain sort of like…trauma except for the body? Yeah, like that. It must be pretty damn bad if he couldn't feel it.
"Axel?" Roxas pouted.
"Hmm?" he hummed in acknowledgement, not looking up from bandaging Roxas.
"It hurts." He whined.
Axel smirked, "Hmm…it does doesn't it?" he paused applying a bit more cream and bandaging it up right after. He looked at Roxas, "How about this. Does this hurt Rox?" he punctuated the word by sliding a slick finger inside Roxas. The blonde gasped. "What about this?"
Roxas head fell back. Axel knew him so well, his mind, his body, his heart. He had utter and complete control of it all, starting with his prostrate.
Axel's smirk never left his face as he finger-fucked Roxas to oblivion.
Roxas let out a particularly drawn out whimper.
"What is it, Roxy?" he paused, giving his lover a chance to answer. No answer came. "Could it be that you want me to fuck you?" it was more a statement than a question, but Roxas knew Axel still demanded an answer. He stilled his movements, "Well…?"
"Please…" Roxas mewled pathetically.
Axel smirked, satisfied.
"What's the magic word~" he teased.
Roxas groaned. It was frustrating, damn frustrating, but far better than the sadist he'd encountered earlier, "Axel…"
Axel smirked, "You sound so hot, baby, but that's not what I was going for…"
"Axel~" he whined.
Axel deadpanned, "I can leave, Roxas."
Roxas froze and then relented, "Fine, I'll say it…"
"Good boy."
Sex with Axel was always good. He had a big dick, an amazing sex drive, and he was incredibly skilled, flexible, and loving. All qualities that Roxas loved. He supposed they were qualities that anyone would love but Roxas loved both Axel's sweet side and the sadistic one. Axel was a god. He was flawless, at least in Roxas' eyes, despite his shortcomings. They didn't matter. It was as if they didn't exist. Well…at least when Axel was pleasuring him.
Everyone hated Axel, everyone who knew him. He was rude, sadistic, and he hurt Roxas. Not a lot of people knew that but Sora did, and his twin made damn sure that everyone else knew what a bastard he was too. So, because of that, everyone was an enemy. And not only in Roxas' eyes too, but also in Axel's. Axel hated Sora. Sora had broken Axel's nose and Axel fucking HATED Sora. Sora was always trying to come in between him and Roxas and he hated it. That's why no one supported their relationship and that was why no one cared when Roxas cried. No one cared, not even his beloved brother, no one fucking cared when he broke up with Axel and was in shambles for more than a week. No one cared. And while it was only a week it had felt like an eternity for Roxas. They all just laughed. His dad, his brother, his best friend. "Good riddance" they had said "Maybe now you can find yourself a nice girl and settle down". He never understood how they could be so cruel, so heartless. It pained him so much that eventually, he went back to the bastard, knowing what lied in store for him, but he didn't care because when he needed comfort, any comfort at all that wasn't Axel, to replace Axel, he had gotten none, and his resolution had crumbled and that's how he went back each. And. Every. Time.
He didn't want to be like this. He didn't want to love Axel, it had just happened. He'd tried to hate him, he'd really tried but he just couldn't bring himself to feel any malice toward him. Their love wasn't judgmental, not like his friends and family, but of course he knew they were right. He wasn't blind, he was just…stupid.
"No! Axel, stop!" Roxas stared wide-eyed as his lover connected the first punch to his best friend.
"What the hell, Axel!" the taller blonde sputtered.
Axel raised his fist, preparing to collide it to the other's face once again, but it was easily blocked.
"What's gotten into to you, man?" he was concerned. It was rare for Axel to lash out, least of all raise his voice, at least, for Demyx it was.
"Don't. Touch. Him" he grit out through his teeth before raising his fist again.
Demyx backed up, his hands out in front of his in defense, trying to get some control of the situation, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's this about, Axel?"
Axel took that moment to land a harsh punch against Demyx's face, causing him to fall over with the force of it. He groaned on the floor, he must be in a lot of pain. Axel was strong. Demyx was no weakling either but Axel was strong.
"Axel!" Demyx tried to snap his friend out of it.
"You touched him!" he snarled and connected his foot to Demyx ribs. "Don't. Fucking. Touch. Him." Axel punctuated each word with a kick to Demyx stomach.
The blonde man groaned in agony on the floor, curling up on himself, protecting himself.
"Axel, stop!" Roxas shrieked. He was beside himself. He couldn't do anything. Axel had taken out Demyx with just a few blows and he was still pummeling him to a pulp. How could he do anything? How could he stop him? He rushed up to Axel and embraced him from behind, and at first, Axel seemed to not mind, but as soon as Roxas started trying to drag him back, away from the blonde man, he stopped punching Demyx and turned to face Roxas.
"Please, please, please…" Roxas whispered, trying to get his boyfriend to stop.
But Axel didn't listen; instead, he slapped Roxas across the face, hard, making him fall back with the force of it.
He stared wide-eyed at his lover and brought his hand up to his cheek to caress it. He looked down on the floor trembling, avoiding Axel's gaze. He started shaking and then he turned around and left the room before any of the tears could fall.
He thought Axel might chase after him, but he didn't. Instead he could hear the rough slaps, even if they weren't slaps, they were probably punches and kicks but to him they sounded like slaps. He had to do something. He couldn't just stand by and let his boyfriend's best friend be beaten like this. He was Roxas' friend too, even if they'd gotten off to a bad start and Demyx was just as much of a sadist as Axel was, he still couldn't let this happen. Demyx had just been hugging Roxas because the boy was inconsolable having found a video of Axel deep in the throes of passion with…he choked up thinking about it. Why could Axel go out and do this things and Roxas wasn't even allowed to hug another man? Why?
He sobbed as he grabbed the telephone and dialed the number.
"Hey, Sora, it's me." he sobbed, "Please, you've gotta help me!"
He rushed back into the room, hoping to do anything he could to salvage the situation. If only a little. But…
"Oh my God, Axel." He breathed and put a hand up to his mouth, "What have you done?"
There was blood everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, on his bed, and…Demyx.
"Oh my god!" Roxas fell to his knees and frantically tried checking for a pulse, "Oh my god, Axe, he's not breathing!"
Axel finally looked over at the bloodied mess, formerly known as Demyx, and stared.
"Shit." He picked up his phone and dialed a number, "Someone's hurt. Please…yes…umm…yeah Waker's Terrace…the pink house…mmhm, yeah, OK. Hurry."
He leaned down to perform mouth to mouth but the growl from Axel stopped him.
"Don't you DARE." He warned.
Roxas snorted, tears still fresh in his eyes, "Really, Axel? After all this, SERIOUSLY? Fuck you." And he pressed his lips to Demyx and started feeding him air.
He was alive. It was a damn close call and he was alive. He was in a coma and they didn't know if he'd ever wake up, but he wasn't dead and that's what Roxas kept telling himself. Everyday for the next 10 days, that's what he told himself when he woke up, when he brushed his teeth, when he took a shower, when he was eating, walking and…
He visited Demyx in the hospital every day. Axel came once, out of guilt and a lot of nagging from Roxas. Axel wasn't happy with the dedication Roxas showed in coming to visit Demyx everyday and it made him wonder just how close they were, but Roxas couldn't bring himself to worry about the consequences of being by Demyx's side all the time.
Roxas hated this person he'd become. This person that was so weak he couldn't even leave this abuser, this person who could…if worse came to worse, kill a person, because…really it would be murder 'cause…Axel had really wanted to kill Demyx. But most of all, he felt guilty. It was his fault after all. Demyx was only trying to comfort him and Axel only wanted to protect him. Or so he told himself.
On the 10th day, Roxas cried. He got the phone call that Demyx had woken up. He was relieved that Axel wouldn't have to go to jail, unless Demyx decided to press charges but he didn't think he would. But most of all, he was glad that one of the few people in his life that actually cared about him was safe.
He was a horrible person for staying with this…monster. He didn't know how else to describe it, but he knew….he needed it. Axel.
Roxas barged into the living room of their shared apartment and stared expectantly at Axel, tapping his foot impatiently. Axel looked up and raised his eyebrows.
"Roxas…" he started. It wasn't a demand like usual, he was…surprised.
Roxas marched up to him with purpose and leaned down so he was face to face with the sitting Axel.
"You." He punctuated with poking Axel in the ribs, "Get OUT of my house." He glared a little more for good measure then rose up, preparing to leave. Axel grabbed his wrist before he could go. Roxas growled, "Let. Go."
"No," he replied calmly, "Not until you tell me what's wrong."
"What's wrong?" he said incredulous, "What's WRONG? Are you fucking serious?" he paused, waiting for anything that would signal that Axel was joking, "Heh, wow. That takes the cake, Axel. It really does. Get this through your thick skull: I. Don't. Want. You. Anymore." And then he stomped out of the room, slamming the door as hard as he could muster.
Once on the other side of that door, he broke. He was used to the tears by now.
"I miss you." He gripped the phone tightly against his ear, listening to the downpour on the other end of the line.
It was silent for a while, nerve-wracking silence.
"Roxas." He breathed.
Roxas felt relief. "I…I wanna talk…umm…can we…talk?"
"Yeah, yep, of course." the voice was desperate, "Umm…"
"Tomorrow?"
"Alright." There was silence then, "Umm…Rox?
"Hmm?"
"What time?"
"Oh, um…noon…ish?"
"OK." There was a smile in his voice, "See you then."
There was a click and then a dial tone. He really hoped he'd made the right decision.
He heard a car coming up the driveway and he looked out the window to make sure. Yup, it was him.
He waited nervously for the door bell to ring, and it would be so loud too and…
He blinked. He wasn't ringing it. Why wasn't he ringing the doorbell? He waited a few more minutes and when nothing happened he looked out the window again. Yup, the car was still there and…why was he still in the car? He furrowed his eyebrows and frowned.
He walked up to the door and opened it a fraction, just enough for his head to peer out, and he did. He looked around the corner stealthily. He was still there. In his car…
He opened the door all the way and stood out in plain view. At first Axel didn't notice and he seemed to be talking to someone on the phone, but then he turned his head and he spotted Roxas right away. He froze for a millisecond, then opened the door and staggered out. He better not be drunk.
He waited patiently for Axel to come closer. He wasn't going to move. Seriously, Axel was already here, what the hell was he doing.
"Hey…" Axel started.
He looked up with emotion filled blue eyes, "Hey…" he gave a weak smile, "Do you…wanna come in?"
Axel rubbed his nape, "Yeah, sure."
They trudged inside awkwardly and headed for the living room. He didn't want him in his bedroom just yet.
He sat down on the white leather couch, tucked his knees up to his chin and wrapped his arms around them protectively. He didn't motion for Axel to sit.
Axel sat down on the opposite end, not quite the furthest away from Roxas but still not close either. The couch was curved so they could see each other clearly. Roxas focused blue eyes on Axel, waiting for him to speak first.
Axel heaved a heavy, angst-laden sigh, and looked down at his palms.
"Roxas." he breathed. He was quiet for the longest time and Roxas thought he wasn't ever going to speak but then he did, "I've missed you so much."
"Axel – "
"No, let me finish." He looked up into Roxas' eyes. "I've been…such a fucking bastard. I'm…I shouldn't even be here…I…fuck."
Roxas got up and moved towards Axel. Axel hadn't even noticed him until he was there, hovering over him and not even an inch from his face.
"Roxas…?" he was stunned.
"Shut up." He snapped, but it was half hearted, "Do you…" he sighed, "Do you even know what you've done to me?" Axel stared in disbelief as tears trailed down the blonde's cheeks like a mini waterfall, "You BROKE me! Again, and again, and again! And you THINK you can just…come in here," he gestured around him, "and take whatever you want; claim it as yours! IS that what you think? You fucking BASTARD!" He'd by now somehow slide into Axel's lap and started hammering away with his fists against Axel's chest, wailing madly and crying rivers. "You have NO right. No fucking right, Axel, you fucking…" his words trailed off as his voice failed him, going into more wails and shrieks than actual words.
Axel stared wide-eyed at his ex-lover and then suddenly his eyes softened.
"Shhh…" he soothed and embraced Roxas, "Shh…just let it out. I am SO, so sorry."
Roxas stopped and leaned back to get a better look at Axel, "What?"
Axel leaned forward and put his head in his hands and sighed, "Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. Shit. I'm…God. You think it's fucking easy seeing you with him? Fuck"
"I didn't fuck him." He whispered. He could've yelled it he SHOULD have yelled it, but he didn't.
Axel sighed, "I know that now, I'm just…God. I don't deserve you. You're fucking…you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I can't fucking…FUCK. I love you SO much."
Roxas' sniffles echoed in the room and the silence dragged on, "I love you too, but just…WHY did you do it? You said I was special." He paused, "I just…I can't keep at this anymore. You're aloof, you disappear and…fuck! You almost kill your best friend, fuck do you even know WHY he was there? Do you wanna know WHY he was there, why you WEREN'T there? Because, damn Axel, I think you have a pretty damn good idea of what you were doing."
Axel looked down, "It was a mistake."
"How long?"
"What?"
Roxas had now taken on a defensive snarl, "How long have you been fucking her?"
Axel furrowed his eyebrows.
"How long, Ax?"
There was silence for several moments, "Since…Florida."
Roxas froze and then, he was suddenly off Axel's lap and rushing for the door.
"Roxas!" Axel called after him, "Roxas, wait!"
Axel was faster and stronger; he caught up easily and grabbed Roxas by the wrist, preventing him from escaping.
"Let me go!" he yelled and thrashed.
"Stop." He pleaded, it wasn't a command, it was…
"You fucker! 3 months! You fucking piece of shit! How could you! Let me go!" tears leaked down his face, contradicting his angry voice.
"I KNOW! And I'm SORRY! What the fuck do you want me to do? I'm sorry, OK." Tears leaked down Axel's face and it really was a sight to see. Roxas stopped struggling and just watched as Axel broke down. Axel started really sobbing. He'd never…seen him like this. And it made him feel GUILTY. Like the worst person.
"Axel…"
"No. I deserve it. I deserve everything you're throwing at me. All of it. I'm…a horrible person."
Roxas bit his lip and already regretted what he was about to say, "I don't think you're a bad person."
Axel's tears didn't stop, but his sobbing came to a halt as he looked up, green eyes blotchy and red, and Roxas' heart clenched at the sight.
"Really?" he asked in a hopeful voice.
Roxas sighed, it was one of those 'yeah, but…its complicated' sighs, "Yeah, I don't. You're…amazing Axel. I wouldn't be suffering through this right now if you weren't." he watched Axel's eyes light up. His eyes kind of looked like Christmas, "BUT. You have to stop. Please. No more. I don't think I can take it…"
Axel began nodding before he'd even finished, a smile splaying at the corners of his eyes.
"I promise, I'll never hurt you again."
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender
His clothes were off in a second, the bedroom door left open. They didn't even think of anyone coming in and seeing them. They traded hungry, desperate kisses and Roxas' latched his lips on Axel's neck as the redhead scrambled for lube in the nearby drawer.
"Skip it."
Axel paused in his searching and looked down, concerned, "You sure?"
"Yeah."
"It'll hurt."
"I don't care." He was close to tears with need. "Please."
"If you insist."
Make me feel better, you make me feel better
You make me feel better, put me back together
"Ah...Axel!"
It was good. Really good. God, how he'd missed this. The slapping sound of Axel's balls hitting his ass cheeks was enough in itself to make him forget everything. He was so needy and desperate and Axel was there to provide comfort. Axel was his rock, the only one who stayed when everything else failed. His constant, like Bibles in hotel nightstands.
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I need to feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender
Roxas cuddled up to Axel's naked chest, sighing in contentment. Axel's fingers played with small strands of golden hair, twirling it, while Roxas' fingers traced lazy circles on Axel's sweet soaked skin.
"Axel?" he asked into the broad chest.
"Hmm."
"We're OK…right? I mean…" he faltered, "Umm…we're gonna be OK right?" he looked up into emerald eyes.
Axel gazed lazily, but intensely, into cobalt blue. His hands left the golden strands and found their way to Roxas' chin. He tilted it up and forced him to meet his gaze, not that he wasn't already, but…
He leaned forward and sealed the deal with a kiss. Roxas melted.
"What do you think?" he smirked kindly.
"Umm…" Roxas was speechless. He blushed and averted his gaze back to the broad chest.
"Hmm?"
"Shut up."
Axel chuckled.
"Rox?"
"Hmm?" he didn't look up, still tracing circles on Axel's chest.
"I love you." He sing-songed.
Roxas smiled into his chest, humming his approval.
Put me back together
Never surrender, make me feel better
You make me feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender
His phone vibrated in his pocket and he flipped it open with his thumb.
'Morning'
Roxas smiled and started typing back.
'Haha, Morning'
The reply came right away.
'How are you feeling?'
'OK, I guess. You?'
'Alright I suppose.'
'Mm.'
'He there?'
'Yeah.'
'OK. Call you later?'
'Yeah.'
He closed his phone.
The phone rang, and just as he suspected it was Demyx. He sighed and answered.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me. He there?" he sounded slightly worried, and he spoke in an almost whisper.
"No, he's been gone for a few hours."
"OK good." He exhaled in relief, "How are you feeling?"
"I'm OK I guess."
"Want me to come over?"
Roxas wet his lip, thinking it over, "Nah, it wouldn't be good if he came home."
"Alright," Roxas heard the disappointment, "well, anything I can do for you?"
"Nah, I'm fine."
"OK, well listen…about Axel…"
"Look Dem, it's OK, we're just…in a rough patch at the moment."
"Rough patch?" Roxas could hear the raised eyebrows.
Roxas plopped down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling, "Well, it gets better, you know. It always does."
"No, Roxas," he hissed, "It won't get better. One day he's gonna stop feeling guilty and then all you'll have is pain and no one to kiss it better."
Roxas sighed.
"I'm just…I don't know what he'd do if I left him."
There was a long pause on the other line and Roxas was beginning to think the call had been disconnected, "You don't think he'd let you leave?"
"…Maybe. I dunno. I guess?" he sighed, "He's just been getting…more protective lately. I dunno."
"Sounds like trouble."
"I guess."
Demyx exhaled a harsh breath, "Just…I can't stand to see you like this anymore."
Now it was Roxas' turn to sigh, he pinched his bridge too, "Demyx," he warned, "stop. We've been over this, I don't like you like that."
"This isn't about that. He's getting more violent. And you're just…letting him? That's not right and you know it. Something's wrong with him, Rox."
Roxas bit his lip. He knew Demyx was right but…Axel loved him. He wasn't mentally insane, he was just…unstable at the moment.
"Rox?"
"Uh…yeah. Umm…I can't Dem, I just can't."
"He'll kill you. Soon he won't even let you out of the house. Is that what you want?" it was as if he was talking to a child.
"I won't let it get to that." He said stubbornly.
"What are you, stupid? One day, it's not gonna be me lying in a pool of his own blood, Rox, it'll be you. YOU. And you'll be dead. Not in a coma like I was. Dead. You want to die Rox?" there was a pause, making the words all the more real, "I don't care if you're letting that happen, I'm not. I'm not letting you die."
"He's not gonna kill me." At least not now.
"How can you be so sure?"
Roxas went quiet. What could he say? He saw the logic in Demyx's words but…somehow he couldn't acknowledge them. They weren't true. Axel wasn't a killer.
"See? This is what I'm talking about. You KNOW I'm right."
He hated Demyx, he hated him so much, "Oh, what do you know? You just want me all to yourself, you pervert!"
"Pervert…?"
"Ugh. I want Axel, not you. Breaking up with Axel isn't gonna change that. When are you going to stop this ridiculous game of yours? You're going to get yourself into trouble one of these days." He frowned.
Demyx was being really quiet. Roxas felt a bit unnerved.
"Dem…?"
"Roxas," he sighed through the phone and there was a long, pregnant pause, "When are YOU going to get it through YOUR thick fucking shit for brains that he WON'T change. I'm fucking….at my wits end here."
"Then give up already."
"I'm not giving UP until you leave that loser. You fucking…you deserve better, Roxas." The last part was said in a whisper.
The dial tone buzzed in his ear. He didn't know how long it'd been like that but it was starting to hurt his chest. He'd done something stupid, he knew it.
"Hey, Axi-poo?" Roxas wrung his hands, standing at the threshold, watching Axel read the newspaper.
Axel grunted an affirtmative.
"Umm…what are we doing tonight?" he smiled happily. Axel wasn't angry.
Axel grunted again. He wasn't listening. Roxas sighed.
"Axel!" to this, the redhead looked up, "finally! God, what are we doing tonight?" he raised his eyebrows, waiting for an answer. Axel's expression was deadpan. He looked bored.
"Going out." He mumbled then returned to his newspaper.
Roxas brightened up.
"Really?" he grinned, "Where are we going?"
"WE? Nah, it's just me and the guys." He seemed to be finished and Roxas face fell. How could he have expected anything else? Axel looked up and quirked an eyebrow, "What? You wanna come?"
Roxas brightened up immediately and nodded furiously.
Axel observed him for some time then went back to his paper, "Sorry babe, no can do this time around. Next time, eh?"
Of course. Yeah. Next time.
"Uh-huh." He forced a smile but it wasn't really needed. If he cried it wouldn't matter either. Axel wouldn't notice. He slipped soundlessly out of the room and sprinted for his room. His sanctuary. But horrible things had happened in there and it was starting to feel less like home.
He stared at the dead spider on the wall and just let whatever needed to flow, flow. It was sad really, but it was his life. He wanted to leave him, he really did, but how could he? When he came back every time and nothing fucking made sense without Axel? No one could ease the pain as well as he could so what was the point? He sighed. Well…maybe one day. He'd finally work up the courage to leave him for good. Until then…he would cry himself to sleep.
I know this may not seem like a proper ending, but I don't really know any other way to end this. This is still my life and I didn't want to give Roxas a happy ending since I don't have one.
I didn't write this for the reviews, but please review if you have time. I'd like to know what people think even if I'm scared of what people might say.