"Move on, Jake."
The only words I ever heard now. I regretted returning. Returning three months later to discover than everyone had forgotten, everyone had got on with their lives.
We broke the pact once when I told Bella, the Leeches vampires didn't respond.
They broke the pact this time. I don't know… I always thought we would start the war. I thought we would have the courage. I overestimated us.
"She's dead," Sam said simply when I spoke to him. "She was never one of us, Jacob, she was always one of them and now she's gone. Dead and gone."
But she wasn't gone, was she. She was in Alaska. I could get to Alaska in a week.
And… and she wasn't dead. Maybe things would be better if she was, maybe then I would be able to move on from this… this stillness. The weeks flicked by and I had no idea how Bella had coped after her Bloodsucker left. How did she endure this stillness? This lifelessness?
I spoke to Mike once. That was a conversation I'll never forget.
"Remember Bella?"
He turned, glancing at me over the store counter. "Don't see you guys in the store very often, what brings you here?"
"I wanted to talk to you. About Bella."
His eyes instantly went guarded when I wouldn't leave the topic. He tried to shrug, to sound casual. "What about her?"
"Do you miss her?"
"I guess, the accident was pretty tragic. I still find it so hard to believe that all the Cullens died after the wedding."
"Of course." That was the story, the lie they were trying to make me believe. It was like everyone had forgotten they were vampires. I knew they were alive. I knew it, I don't see why everyone else was still pretending. I changed track. "If you loved someone and they were alive somewhere. With someone else. Would you find them?"
Mike just laughed. "She's gone, Jacob. Move on."
And I wanted to. God, I wanted to so much but I couldn't because every time I closed my eyes she was there and there was no solitude unless I took this human form and was stuck with my own thoughts, my own feelings.
I ran, I ran across three countries and I could still hear them. Jabbering in my mind they wouldn't shut up and they knew what I was feeling and I couldn't stand it.
So I changed. I turned human, stole clothes and came home. When they told me to change I shook my head. When they asked me why I wouldn't I shrugged.
They didn't want to know what I was thinking. Leah had made it clear enough. I spoke to her once more afterwards.
"Do you think Bella will ever return?"
"If she does, I'll kill her. Then, maybe, you'll stop prattling on about her." She paused, apparently realising something. "She's a sucker now though, isn't she? Bet you don't like her as much now." A harsh, cruel laugh. "Wonder how that feels? Kind of curious, maybe you're just numb. You don't seem to care anymore." The laugh again. "Maybe I won't kill her, maybe I'll drag her stupid Sucker body to you so you can look at her and get over her." She walked away still cackling.
I didn't reply. I didn't tell her that I wouldn't get over Bella, vampire or no. I didn't tell her that I would take Bella anyway. However she came to me, whatever she felt I would take her because that was what love was.
That was when I decided never to change again.
The pictures were all gone when I returned from running. The bikes were scrapped, the pictures of her or Charlie or anyone connected to them were burnt.
I'll never be able to get out of my head the sight of her house, burnt to the ground. Charlie fled the area and I don't blame him.
They broke the pact but we didn't punish them. For some reason, we punished her. I hate being a part of this 'we' I hate being a wolf but I can't escape it. I can only control myself, take a leaf from Bella's book. Turn numb, feel nothing.
Try not to forget. Try so hard not to forget because wherever you go you get the same words.
She's dead. Get over her. She's dead. Move on, Jake. Live your life, Jacob. She's not worth this. She's not worth anything.
She's dead.
"Dad, what happened to Bella at the wedding?"
"Of course, you ran before it didn't you? I took your invitation, went along out of curiosity and to support Charlie. It was extravagant, a gloriously sunny day but for some reason all the curtains were closed. It felt more like a funeral, funny how things work out."
"They didn't die."
"Of course they died, their car went off a cliff Jacob."
"You knew what they were. They didn't die."
And suddenly his eyes were cold. Two black points fixed on me and an element of threat in his voice. "They made a clean break, Jacob. They made a clean break so that we wouldn't go after them. They're dead. She's dead."
From that day on he never let himself be that open. They were dead to him. He acted as though Bella had died in a car crash and Charlie had left from grief.
Bella didn't die and we forced Charlie away.
I can't talk openly anymore. I tried once, tried to express myself to Quill and Embry, tried to explain that I couldn't accept her as dead and I loved her, vampire or not. I thought they were listening. They offered sympathy as I tried to express my feelings, they tried to understand what I was trying to say.
I told them, in secret, that I was going to leave. I was going to take the rabbit out, drive to Alaska and find her.
When I left the house in secret, my rucksack over one shoulder, I found my tires slashed. I was standing in the dark, confused, when I heard noises behind me. Violent noises.
Scared, I ran into the woods. I could hear the cracking of branches behind me and I wanted to run faster, wanted to protect myself.
I turned.
Then I felt the murderous thoughts in the minds around me and realised I'd done exactly what they wanted. Now they knew where I was. I switched back, too late, and next thing I knew they were attacking.
She's dead.
A gash across my back.
Move on.
My nose, shattered against my face. My screams, drowned out by the chanting as they beat it into me.
She's dead. She's gone. She's dead. Move on.
And eventually, at dawn, they withdrew and Sam knelt next to me, eyes cold. "It's easier this way," he told me, using his Alpha voice to enforce obedience. I should've jumped to obey him but I couldn't find it in myself to care. I was a loner now, in every way.
"Where's Bella?" asked Paul, leaning down beside me and leering in my broken face.
For a moment, I wanted to rebel, wanted to be the lone wolf and disobey them all, disobey my pack. Then the pain of my injuries hit me and I closed my eyes. "She's dead," I breathed.
Satisfied, they pulled away.
And now, what is the truth? I won't be stupid this time. I have a bag of food and a change of clothes. I won't change, won't take a car, won't tell anyone. I am the Loner, I will break off from the pack and I will find my Leech, my Sucker, my Vampire… My Virgo.
She might not want me, do I care? Better to be near her then here where she doesn't even exist.
Better to be myself, then who they want me to be.
Better to live the truth then be gagged here by their lies.
Better to be alone...