Songs: Tough by Lewis Capaldi, Oh! Darling by The Beatles, Love You 'Til The End by The Pogues, You and Me by Niall Horan
Tough
Every little part of me
Is holding onto every little piece of you
Is holding onto every drop of blood you drew
Is holding onto you
Why me? Caitlin thought to herself. Had someone came to her just a month ago and told her this is how her life would be, she would have laughed in their face. But then again, it may have bought her some time. Time to prepare.
WINTER
"Baby, are you mad at me? I need you to talk to me." Barry said while following shortly behind Caitlin as they made their way up to their small, yet comfortable apartment.
"No Barry, forget about it. It doesn't matter." She spoke, obsolete. Hurt. She finally reached their door, She couldn't believe him. How could he be so stupid? She flung open the door and tried slamming it directly after, only to find Barry punching back at it and staring at her with sorrow in his eyes. Even with anger coursing through her veins, she had this feeling, this pull that was begging her to stop. Forgive him. This won't matter a month from now. 10 minutes from now, and yet.
"Caitlin! I don't know what you want from me. You are constantly telling me one thing, when you mean another. What is this about? Please, Cait. Tell me what I need to do." Barry pleaded.
"I just don't get why YOU took it upon yourself to tell my mother that I didn't want kids." She shouted across the way, ripping her shirt off and tossing it towards him. She grabbed the sheets that were neatly made on the bed and ripped them back, suddenly remembering she needed to take her makeup off. She was fuming, she couldn't think straight. But she honestly couldn't say why she was so mad in the first place. "My mother of all people doesn't need a clue in on what's going on in our sex life. Which might I add, IS NON EXISTENT as of recently." Between deeps breaths, and trying to hold back tears, she couldn't quite grasp all that unfolded in a matter of moments.
Barry's eyebrows furrowed together, "Okay, well we all know that isn't true." He said matter of factly. "But I'm sorry, I truly am. I shouldn't have brought it up, but if we're being so bluntly honest. I wanted to take the heat off of me for while, your mom hates me. For my own selfish reasons, I thought she might be happy with the fact that we aren't gonna have any babies for a while." His voice softening up as he went on. "You know how I feel about all this, if you want kids, let's do it-"
"BARRY!" she interrupted, tears falling one right after the other. "How are we supposed to raise a child in this tiny apartment? What? Are we supposed to change it on the window sill?" She stated while motioning to the small seat that was attached to the wall right beneath the window. "We've talked about this. Not just once, but multiple times. Kids cannot happen until we have a house or even an apartment that isn't just a kitchen, bed, and bathroom." She wanted kids with him, she really did. More than anything. But kids could wait a few more years, she was just shy of 30 and had time. Or so she thought. They needed to settle somewhere.
"Okay, okay. I get your point loud and clear." He replied, sarcasm flowing through his words.
"Do you though? Sometimes I feel like you hear me but aren't truly listening to my thoughts. So uh - m-maybe you should just leave. Maybe that's what we need." She spoke softly, stuttering the last half because of course she didn't mean it, she just needed him to believe that she was serious. This wasn't like them to, ya know argue. But between her job at the real estate agency, and him driving limos for a living, life wasn't exactly peachy. They did what they had to, just to make ends meet.
"Is that what you want, love?" He was hurt, but he'd do anything to make her happy. Even if it meant she was without him, and he was without her.
"Yes." They were inches away from each others faces, she was looking at him, eyes glossed over from all the crying.
"Really? Caitlin you're serious?" His voice growing louder with each word. Louder than usual. Caitlin just stared at him, one twitch of her frowning mouth, nodding her head towards the door.
"FINE." he said marching to the door, opening it wide and slamming it behind him. Causing the pictures on the wall to rattle, and the ground beneath Caitlin to almost collapse under her.
"UGH! FINE!" she screamed back to the door that was now closed in front of her, she marched to the bathroom, slamming the door shut. Not even a minute later, slowly she opened up the door and peeked her head out. She saw the front door open without hurrying and watched Barry poke his head around the corner.
She ran at him full force, jumping over the couch and into his arms.
"I'm so sorry Barry, it was stupid of me to get so worked up. I love you. I love you. I love you." She sang between kisses she was gently placing all over his face. His arms wrapped around her small frame as he held her tight, not willing to let her go. Ever.
"Baby, I shouldn't have said anything to your mom in the first place, then we wouldn't have had to go through all of this. You are my world, you wanna wait to have kids? We'll wait. You want a bigger place? I can pick up a second job. I'm here for you. This life we started together is what I'm living for. I love you. That will never change." Their foreheads were touching, lips together, but not just for the sole fact that they loved to kiss each other. They loved being so close that they almost meshed into one being. Caitlin closed her once parted lips around Barry's, and like magic, their lips began moving in unison.
This was the happiest she'd ever been, she'd known a lot in her life but nothing made her quite as happy as one Barry Allen, and she never wanted it to change. Their bond was one that was meant to be, and they both knew it deep within.
️ ️ ️
'Cause every night since you cut and run
I feel like the only one who's ever been the lonely one
Trying to mend a heart that keeps breaking
With every step that you're taking
WINTER (One year later)
Caitlin walked into the crowded pub that was filled with tons of family and friends that loved her. That loved Barry. Barry was adored by many and that doesn't go without showing that Caitlin loved him most of all. Caitlin wasn't sure how she got to this point in her life, but she was dazed, confused and hurting. She went to take a seat amongst her best friend Cynthia, who was sat next to her husband and Barry's best friend, Cisco. Cisco reached over to Caitlin's hands that were resting on her lap, giving her a small nod. Cisco wasn't much for words, but his face was always so telling anyways, so it didn't matter much.
Just as the preacher was about to begin, her sister Makenna ran to her and squeezed her face,
"Hey big sis. You know I couldn't miss this, not for anything in the world…" tears were welling up her eyes. Her sister didn't live close enough to make it in one easy trip, but she'd do anything for Caitlin.
Caitlin responded with a quiet, "thank you." and lifted her jacket off the seat beside her to make room for her sister.
Caitlin felt as if she was in a time warp, she didn't know if it was day or night, cold or hot, all she knew is she wanted her Barry back. He always knew the right thing to say in situations like this. Even if it caused Caitlin to double over in laughter, he'd do it, because "seeing his girl happy" was all he wanted.
"Caity, are Barry's parents not coming?" her mom questioned, handing her a bottle of water.
"No, his father just had surgery and it wasn't safe for them to travel." She replied.
"Well damn, it's just Ireland, it isn't like they're flying in from Australia…" she scoffed and walked away, leaving Caitlin with the thought of burying her husband without his parents there. She already felt guilty enough that Barry moved to New York not even six months after they met. Now this. Can I just catch a break? Please? Her thoughts running wild.
Just as her mind was getting the best of her, the preacher walked up to the front and stood beside an urn, a picture of Barry, and about 40 shot glasses that were sat on top of a table.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Barry Allen. He didn't have many requests for his funeral, other than we play a song and take shots in his honor. He was a man worthy of love, worthy of all the good this world has to offer. He told me he'd like to thank his wife, Caitlin for giving him love, and the entire world. With her, he had it all. May his soul rest in peace for eternity." with that said and a point of his finger, Last Train Home by Ryan Star rang out, Barry's song. His and Caitlin's song, he sang that to her most days, playing his guitar. Man, did she miss his voice.
Cisco was the first to stand up, walking slowly and pouring himself a shot of Jameson. Downing it, and turning it over looking towards the picture of Barry that was within eye view of him. Many followed right after. Caitlin was left in her chair, not knowing whether to shed a tear of happiness, or of grief. Guilt. She had so many things running in her brain, she kept thinking of how selfish she was for not giving him a child while they had the time. To be fair, his tumor came So quickly that neither of them knew what to do, when he learned of his illness, it was quick. One year too quick. Barry was always running at the speed of light with whatever he did. Even in death. She shook her head and wiped her eyes, trying to quiet her morbid thoughts.
Caitlin couldn't bare to be there much longer, once everyone saw how tired she was physically, mentally, and emotionally. With how low she looked in spirit, they all decided it was time to head home. She said her goodbyes, grabbed her Barry and left. Thank God she was blessed with friends and family that understood her to a certain degree. Enough to know when it was time to stop and take a breath. Or at least try to.
️ ️ ️
Cause you've been runnin' circles round
My mind, turnin' me inside out
Moments later she was back in her apartment, she walked in slowly, throwing her keys on the counter top, quickly shuffling towards their room, she steadily set the urn on the table that sat at the end of their full size bed. She stared for a moment, tears welling up in her eyes.
"Barry, how are we both supposed to fit in a full size bed?" she asked, giggling and rolling her eyes at her beloved.
"Cait, think of it this way, the smaller the bed, the less room there is. Which means…" he started, eyes turning a deep shade of green.
"We have to cuddle for the rest of time, or until we decide to get a bigger bed." she finished.
"Right. What'dya say baby? Full size bed for just the two of us?" he asked, grinning so extremely big while running his hand softly down her face.
"...Well, okay. I don't see what would be so bad about having to cuddle, no matter the circumstances." She stated, proudly. Proud to have a man like him. One that wanted her angry, sad, or happy. He wanted her, she wanted him, and that was enough for the two of them.
Caitlin quickly came to her senses, in a rush she unzipped her dress and kicked it down until it hit the floor. Grabbing her phone off the table, she gently sat down on the bed. She went to dial a phone number and within seconds, a familiar ringtone was set off and she turned to look at the dresser that now occupied Barry's phone, wallet and keys to their place. "Hey it's Barry, i'll call ya back whenever I see this...maybe." She undid the neatly tucked bed and crawled in, holding the sheets so close to her body that she could almost pretend it was her Barry holding her tight like he did most every night. She laid there, between wet sobs, redialing his number over and over. She kept this up until she cried herself to sleep. His voice brought her solace. Within minutes, Caitlin was asleep, makeup still on, and her phone still held close to her face.
️ ️ ️
Now you ain't here I'm sleeping rough
And I'm praying I can pray enough
So waking up without you ain't so tough
Caitlin woke up that morning, a smile on her face, she hadn't felt the familiar warmth of his body up against hers in quite some time. She wanted to lay there forever.
"Hi, Barry. I've missed you. I wish you were really here."
Barry smiled into her hair, "I am here Cait. Always."
Caitlin jolted up, realizing that her mind was playing tricks on her again. Or at least that's what her mom would say. She could feel Barry around her most of the time. It was a shift in the air, she just knew that he was there with her. It was a butterfly that flew so closely next to her while she was walking to take out the trash. Or, it was as simple as their favorite song coming on the radio right when she turned her car on. He was next to her most days tackling tough tasks like doing the dishes, or taking a shower. Even on the days she couldn't feel him, he was running in her mind the whole time.
"suMMER LOVIN' HAPPENED SO FASTTTT! I met a girl crazy for meeee, MET A BOY CUTE AS CAN BE!"
Grease was their favorite movie to watch together, so Caitlin watched it most days. She created a small shrine on the dresser next to the TV stand. Candles lit, at least 20, surrounding her numerous pictures of Barry and her. Her favorite being the picture of the two of them at their wedding singing karaoke, both extremely drunk.
"I am NOT singing Barry Allen! Everyone here will run out." She joked. It was the most perfect day, they were married. Not many people showed up, no one really supported two 19 year olds getting married so quick. But they knew, it was as simple as that.
"Caitlin Allen," He said with pride in his voice, Caitlin was all his now. Finally. "I will not take no for an answer, let's go." He grabbed her hand and pulled her to the karaoke machine they had set up in the corner of the pub that they held their reception at.
The room consisted of, Cynthia, Cisco, Makenna, regular pub goers that quickly became friends of Barry, and her disapproving mom. Her mom still came even though she made it clear from the beginning that getting married "so young and soon was bound to end in flames."
Barry's parents weren't all to happy about the sudden marriage either. Their boy moving over 3,000 miles away wasn't all too thrilling. They said from the start that if he's happy then so are they. Actions speak volumes. They didn't come, but he knew it was just a shock to their system. He didn't take an awful lot of offence to it. He was just happy to be married to Caitlin.
"What song should we sing then?" Barry asked, curiosity in his voice. He stared at Caitlin as she bit her lip, thinking hard. He always loved when she was deep in thought. Her lip bite was one of his favorite quirks she had and he never let her forget it.
"You're doing that cute thing where you're biting your lip, go on. Say it." he begged, pecking her on the lips.
Her face instantly lit up, he could quite literally see the light bulb go off in her head. With raised eyebrows and a finger poking into his chest she sang out, "Summer lovinnnnn'." She raised up both hands and wiggled her fingers.
"But," she whispered. "I think I'll need a few shots in my system."
"I couldn't have picked a better song myself, and as for the shots, whiskey or vodka?" He asked, wiggling his eyebrows.
"Whiskey, babe." She always prefered Vodka, but Whiskey was Barry's favorite. So whiskey it was.
Let's do this!" He exclaimed.
After about 4 shots each, they ran up to the karaoke machine, and together they held onto the microphone, sang out the lyrics, dancing, and kissing each other any chance they got. It was the most perfect night. Nothing could ruin this for them. It was Barry and Caitlin. A team.
After she paused, soaking in the memory of that night. She grabbed the bottle of Jameson off her bedside table and downed a strong chug. She had changed into his favorite dress shirt and a pair of boxers that had shamrocks all over them. So Irish. She thought. Smiling, dancing, and sloppy drunk. She was okay in this moment.
But on another note, the apartment that she resided in was an utter pigsty. She hadn't left in weeks. She couldn't, it was like she was trapped there. She had missed plenty of calls from Cynthia, and Makenna. Neither of which sounded too pleased that she cut them out. They had expressed to her so many times that they wanted to be there for her in whatever way they could, but she just could not ask that of them. She struggled to shower, eat, even brush her teeth. She felt icky, inside and out.
Between all of the little things like having to cancel credit cards, send in his death certificate. To the thought of him being removed from the system like it was nothing. But it wasn't something as small as that, it was her whole world being torn out from under her. She had fallen into a black hole that she couldn't climb out of. She was drowning. Only Barry could save her.
She had the movie up so loud, she was singing her heart out. "UH WELLAWELLAWELLA O-"
"Caity? What the hell happened in here?" her mom scolded.
Caitlin stopping dead in her tracks, looking like a deer in headlights.
She felt like she was in one of those dreams where you're at your first day of school, only you forgot to wear clothes.
She was staring down Cynthia, Cisco, Makenna and her mother. All were holding up a banner that read, "HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY CAITY!", Cisco had a bundle of balloons and about three weeks worth of mail under his arm, both Makenna and Cynthia had gifts in hand.
"Cait." Cynthia pleaded, dropping the bags to the floor, running over to her friend. "Why haven't you answered the phone?! We've been worried sick." She was grabbing Caitlin at this point, holding onto her tight.
"Jesus, girl. You smell awful." Cynthia mumbled. Holding her hand to her nose, still the same level of concern is her voice as before.
Caitlin winced at hearing her best friend call her "Cait", she hadn't heard someone call her that in so long that it felt wrong.
"I've been living in my own personal hell, I'm sorry. Forgive me for locking myself away while I'm trying to pick of the pieces of life without my husband." Her face fell as she mumbled the last part of that sentence.
"Caitlin, Caitlin." Cisco declared. "This was in the mail for you, I think you should open it…"
She looked up at Cisco and took the envelope that he was holding in his hands. It read "Cait".
She knew that handwriting anywhere, it was none other than Barry Allen's.
"W-what, how?" She stuttered. She was in shock. She furrowed her eyebrows together and quickly, but carefully opened up the envelope.
Her hand instantly went up to her mouth, she was in disbelief. How could this be? She read the note aloud.
"My sweet baby, Cait. Happy 30th birthday! I bet you're wondering how this is happening right? Well I put together a few little surprises that will come to you at any given time, letters, and presents. I'm bummed I can't be there to celebrate such an important day with you, well in person anyway. I'm always there with you, in the wind, in your mind. I never left. I promise you that.
So tonight, I want you to dress up. Put on your favorite dress, do your makeup, go out and have a drink on me. Whiskey of course. Today is your day, love. Live it to the fullest.
You will wake up to another letter in the mail tomorrow, that's something you can bet on.
I'm proud of you, and I'm proud to be yours, and you mine. Until next time.
Oh and Cait,
P.s. I Love You"
"Well you heard the man! Get your butt in the shower!" Caitlin's mom commanded.
Caitlin had the biggest smile on her face. For the first time in forever, she felt a single tear fall from her right eye instead of the left. You know they say when you're happy that's what happens. Caitlin was indeed happy, if not forever, for right now. In this moment.
Caitlin held the letter close to her heart and skipped over to the bathroom, quickly followed by Cynthia, who helped her paint her nails and get ready for the night ahead.
"Alright troops, let's move!" Caitlin's mom declared to both Cisco and Makenna. They knew this was the one opportunity they had to clean up the mess that surrounded them on all sides.
Caitlin stepped into the hot, steaming shower and took a deep breath in. She muttered a simple, "Thank you, Barry. Thank you."
She could start to see a small light form in her mind as she closed her eyes and took in the warm water falling around her.
️ ️ ️
Oh! Darling, please believe me
I'll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you
I'll never do you no harm
Caitlin waited impatiently at the mailbox for her next letter from Barry. She had such a great night, and figured getting this letter would be the icing on an okay moment.
She watched as the mailman sifted through the piles of mail in his hands. She urged him with her eyes to hurry up and he slowly turned to look at her and reached out, as she ripped the mail from his hands. Quickly she looked through until she saw a plain envelope with "Cait" written on it. As shoved the remaining mail under her arm, she quickly ripped the letter open. Her eyes widened as she read.
"Hey Cait. I have a very big surprise for you, along with this letter there's three tickets to Ireland for you, Cynthia and Makenna to take a girls trip. I know you always said you wanted to go back together, but you can still do it. Even if I'm not there physically.
I hope you enjoy your present and I cannot wait to see the Irish wind blowing through your hair again. Before you ask yourself, yes, I planned out everything. The flight, the housing, food, adventures. This is your time to relax and unwind.
This is short, sweet and to the point. I hope you had an amazing birthday baby.
P.s. I Love You."
"Caity, I just don't see how going on a trip right now would be a good idea. You're still trying to heal." Her mother stated while setting plates out all around the dinner table.
"Mom, Barry bought these tickets for me as a gift. He planned out the entire thing, so that's one less thing that I will have to worry about." She beckoned. This trip was exactly what she needed, and yet of course, her mother was trying to bring her back down.
"When are you gonna give this up? The letters have to stop at some point, you can't keep expecting these random gifts and letters. It will sto-". She tried to say. Caitlin cut her off before she could finish, she couldn't take it anymore.
"MOM! Why can't you just let me be happy? Even if it's for a millisecond. Barry wanted to take me to Ireland again once we had more money. We talked about it constantly. This doesn't come as a shock to me that he would plan something out like this. This discussion is over now, thank you for your advice, but I think I'll do what I think is best for me." She spat, setting down a bowl of mash potatoes on the table as her sister walked over with ham. Another weekly dinner, ruined by her mother's harsh claims. She was impossible.
There they all sat, silence weighing on them heavy. Caitlin hated that her mom could be so harsh sometimes, this is why her and Barry had such a hard time coming around. She still held a grudge over Barry's head, dangling it and never retracting. That didn't stop the two of them from getting married and starting a life together. Her mom was bitter about her dad leaving them so long ago and just had to take it out on Caitlin. This is what he wanted, and what Caitlin wanted she got. She wanted Barry, she got him. She wants Ireland and she will go and have the time of her life.
To be continued...