Disclaimer: Warriors belongs to Erin Hunter. The characters do not belong to me.
I'm With You, You Know
Chapter One: Those Special Moments
She had always held a special place in my heart.
I would never forget her eyes, and I would never forget the scent of her fur. No one could ever take away the memory of seeing her in the dark; fireflies dancing around her frame, expression delighted and features so soft. No being could ever rob me of the feeling of her muzzle against mine, or of her tail just fleetingly brushing against my shoulder.
Those special moments - those moments that are engraved in my mind - the moments that were hushed... Those were the instances in which I felt such love and such remorse.
I loved her. I loved the way the light played on her fur, and I loved the way her soul seemed to reach out of her core through a single look.
And yet, I could never have her.
We were walking different paths, and they were so far apart that breaching that distance was impossible.
It didn't stop me from loving her, though; it would never stop me from dreaming of her, and it would never keep me from preserving what she was to me.
Her spirit may rest in the stars, but her memory remains with me - captured in my soul, warming my heart.
----- x the memories ;;
"Firepaw?" Spottedleaf inquired softly, her dark fur blowing in the breeze.
She looked so beautiful; her amber eyes stood out, almost defiantly - daring almost the sun itself to be more bright - against the blue sky. White birds dotted the vast canvas, and green grass rolled in the wind. Sunlight showered down on the both of us, WindClan right over our shoulder.
"Er... Yes, it's me," I meowed, afraid I had startled her, feeling increasingly awkward. Although I relished her stare, it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable to be under it.
Heart beating ever faster, I waited anxiously for the medicine cat to break the silence. She did just so moments later.
"Were you looking for me?" she asked further, her voice still laced with patience and gentle curiosity.
Thinking further into the situation, I assumed that she probably found it odd that I would bother to search for her all the way up to the border. Swallowing hard and cursing my stupidity, I averted my gaze from her face to her paws. There I was met with the sight of herbs - ones I couldn't quite name, but they were important, for the smell of them lingered on Spottedleaf's paws and muzzle.
"Not really," I replied, being somewhat truthful. I had been with my mentor, Bluestar, but she had sent me off to hunt while she tended to a matter that I didn't catch. I had caught Spottedleaf's scent (the aroma of honey and various herbs), and had followed it dutifully to the border. I was still ashamed of my rashness, for it led to disturbing the medicine cat when she really shouldn't have been bothered.
"Oh," she breathed, an emotion in her voice that I couldn't really place. Although, I could see confusion in her expression.
Thinking quickly, I amended myself with, "I was hunting, and I saw you... I thought that maybe I could help you with something!"
Tilting her head in a rather adorable manner, she repeated, "... Oh." This time her tone seemed to hold more understanding than bewilderment.
"You came in time then," she continued, her voice a bit more upbeat, "I've dug this up -" she motioned toward the herb pile at her paws, "- and I would appreciate it if you would help me take this back to camp."
I hesitated, and so she added carefully, "Unless if you are otherwise preoccupied."
Blinking, I perked up considerably. She was so polite, even though I had already said that I would take some time to assist her if she needed it. I meowed, "Er - I'm not preoccupied! Hunting can wait for a bit. I'll help you." In a moment's hindsight, I regretted readily saying that 'hunting could wait.' Bluestar would chastise me for that.
It instantly didn't matter though when I saw those amber eyes light up.
I watched her make several parcels with amazing skill and ease. The tortoiseshell she-cat pushed one toward me, touching it with her muzzle before doing so.
"Make sure nothing falls out, please," she meowed, nodding once in approval as she watched me carefully take the leaf-wrapped stems in my jaws.
The medicine cat picked up her own parcel with her teeth, padding forward. As she entered the shade of the trees, she turned her head to look at me. I was still standing in the sunlight, and I guessed that my fur shone with a lot of brilliance - it reflected in Spottedleaf's amber eyes.
I barely caught it, but a warmth seemed to soften her features before being whisked away ever-so-easily by the breeze. Swishing her mottled tail, the she-cat tipped her muzzle toward the depths of the wood before us. Enjoying the playful-looking invitation to follow, I obliged without difficulty, going with the beautiful cat back to ThunderClan's heart.
-----
"It's so beautiful today, isn't it?" Spottedleaf meowed, sitting beside me.
I appreciated the small talk; I loved to hear her voice, and it kept the awkward silences at bay. Ginger tail curled around my paws and ears pricked, I took a second to glance at the tree tops to catch a glimpse of the blue sky through the leaves. Purring appreciatively, I nodded.
"It is," I replied after a moment. It was wonderful to just be able to discreetly sit outside the medicine cat's den and bask in Spottedleaf's company; the day was an 'off' one for me, so I was left with little to do. All the others were out hunting or training... It was my oppurtunity to enjoy the warm sun and a certain someone's presence.
The pretty she-cat seemed pleased by my response. I admired how the grass in the clearing brushed against her paws, and I marvelled quietly at the way the light danced on her whiskers. Her calm expression made me think that, maybe, she was enjoying this just as much as I was.
"So, Firepaw," she began, her dark head tossing to the side to look at me directly, "How has your training been going?" Her voice carried a soft lilt. I noticed it immediately, and I felt my heart beat faster to the sound.
"Um, well... It's been all right," I replied uncertainly, not really knowing how to answer in an assuring or interesting way. Pausing for a second, I added, "How is - I mean, Er... How are you?" I mentally kicked myself for almost making an embarrassing blunder in my hurry to reciprocate her polite inquisitiveness.
Spottedleaf seemed to be troubled by the question, which made me regret my words instantaneously.
A small flicker of sadness was seen in her eyes before she meowed in an almost melancholic voice, "Well enough." She sighed, twitching her tail dismissively, although I could tell it was half-hearted.
I wondered what could have happened to make her mood change so dramatically. Was my question really that bad? Lowering my head apologetically, I was about to make amends, but Spottedleaf beat me to it.
"I am sorry, Firepaw," she meowed, her amber gaze going to something unseen, "I've been... bothered about something recently."
Wondering if maybe she was going to confide in me, I straightened up and gave her a reassuring look.
Whether she caught it or not, she continued, "I feel as though I am on - how should I put this?" She looked at me dead-on, and I saw mixed emotions in her amber eyes: pleading, confusion, sorrow, and frustration. That in itself bewildered me, and I felt great sympathy for whatever the she-cat was feeling.
"I feel uncertain about the future," Spottedleaf admitted solemnly in the end, her eyes taking on a sudden, thoughtful look. "I don't mean to put a burden on you," she continued, "I just..." She trailed off.
"I..." I felt unsure of how to reply. I didn't want to disappoint or upset her further, so I took a moment to ponder what I could say.
The whole time I could feel the medicine cat's gaze on me, but it didn't feel as intimidating as I thought it would be. I actually felt like I could help her, and I didn't want to let her down with anything foolish. This was my chance to comfort her.
"Spottedleaf..." I began, gently pressing against her side with my tail, "I will always listen to you, you know." Fearful of how she would take that, I continued carefully, "I think we're all afraid of what's to come. It's natural, eh? You have a better perception of the future, I know, but..."
"Actually," she interrupted, "I don't." There was hollow humor in her tone, which made me inwardly flinch.
"Just because I am a medicine cat doesn't mean that I have a better view of what's to come... Although, sometimes I wish I did," she continued, obvious remorse in her mew.
"Spottedleaf..." I breathed, feeling confusion because of her tone. Does she have regrets? It was silly of me to think that, because I was sure she did. Was I only bringing out bad memories instead of consoling her?
"I'm sorry," she mewed softly, shaking her head as if to rid herself of bad thoughts. Leaning into me, I suppressed a gasp as her weight fell on my side. "You are right, Firepaw," she added, "The future is not something to worry over. It is uncontrollable, and for us to determine.
"Also..."
I tried desperately to persuade myself that the feeling of a muzzle nuzzling into my fur was only my imagination, but it wasn't.
"Thank you," she finished.
It was cruel, but before I could even take in the bittersweet moment, she pulled away. Maybe it was just my head playing tricks, but the lingering scent of her breath still hung over me, telling me otherwise.
The beautiful medicine cat rose to her paws, stretched, and then excused herself. "I must get back to my herbs," she explained, glancing at me as she turned to leave.
I watched her warily until she disappeared in the folds of bracken and grasses.
"Spottedleaf," was all I found myself whispering. I missed her warmth, and I was troubled by her odd behavior. All I could say was her name, after all. It was the only thing my mind would register.
But...
What future?
-----
The scent of warm blood and soil filled my nose, making my stomach rumble with hunger. Rolling my green eyes, I silently scolded myself. The mouse I held in my jaws was for another. I knew it was going to be a gift when I caught its scent in the ferns, and I knew it was going to be given to someone else when I killed it. With special intentions, I padded on through the clearing and past the fresh-kill pile.
That strong scent of honey and herbs wafted over to me as I approached, instantly making me forget my stomach. I could hear the medicine cat moving about in her den, and images of the she-cat shuffling through her herb stock entered my mind.
Flicking an ear, I proceeded carefully; wriggling through the small tunnel-like pathway into the dimly-lit den. I saw the one of which I sought indeed rummaging through piles of herbal medicines. Curling my tail in amusement, I cleared my throat.
Spottedleaf turned to look at her visitor, I fancied, and her face immediately lit up in recognition.
"Firepaw! Oh, for me?" she half purred, half exclaimed.
I dropped the mouse on the ground, looking immediately apologetic for surprising her. "Yes, for you," I affirmed after a moment's pause.
"You're so thoughtful," she mewed, accepting the offering easily.
I watched her take the mouse in her jaws, relishing briefly in the gust of her scent as she bent down to pluck it off the ground. She nodded toward me as she retreated a little further into her quarters. I saw her place the body gently on a small cluster of leaves, and then turn to face me once more.
"Thank you, really," she continued, "I never seem to have the time to go out into the clearing these days."
Twitching my whiskers in amusement, I joked lightly, "Yes, I'm afraid you'd starve yourself, the way you stay in here all day."
She took this in good humor and mrrowed laughter.
"Knowing me, you're exactly right. I wouldn't put it past myself," she purred, mirth evident in her gaze.
"Are you terribly busy?" I meowed after a bit of content silence, not wanting to waste the good mood and my surprising bravery. Normally I was quite shy with Spottedleaf, and I was amazed to feel so 'at home' with the she-cat today.
She didn't seem to notice a difference.
"No, not terribly, as you put it," she meowed, eyeing her scattered wares and letting out a delicate sigh.
"I could help you tidy up?" I suggested, not sure what exactly she had been doing before I had arrived. I felt willing to assist her though, if she needed or wanted me.
She gave me a look and shook her head good-naturedly. "No, Firepaw. Go eat something, for I'm sure you are hungry as well."
I nodded, a little disappointed. I turned to leave, ignoring the grumbling in my stomach and thankfulness over how I was excused. Being with Spottedleaf was really all I cared about, I would admit, but I was hungry.
"Oh, and Firepaw," I heard her call from behind me.
I turned again to face her, my eyes questioning and my ears perking up to show that she had my undivided attention.
"Please go out and hunt. Be free of me - go train with Graypaw and the others. You are spending too much time in my den. I'm afraid if you keep up this routine, your head will be just as filled with herb fumes as mine is," she meowed sternly, although her voice gave away a lot of the light-heartedness in her command.
Although, as I reluctantly nodded and made my leave of the place, I couldn't help but dwell upon the sadness that I saw in her eyes as well. Whether I was supposed to see that or not, I probably would never know. Spottedleaf was a very complex individual.
-----
"They were special to me, you know."
-----
End of Chapter One
A/N: Well, did you like the first chapter? I hope so! I worked hard on this, and it took me quite the while to decide where I wanted to go with it. I know this looks like a pointless drabble, but it will make sense later. Or, at least I hope so. You'll just have to see if you plan on waiting for the next installment! ;3 Also, this is unbeta'd, so excuse any major grammatical mistakes.
On a (somewhat) unrelated note, Rehabilitation: Chapter Two is still in the works for all who are wondering! If you don't know what that is, then just ignore that I even said that. But anyway, sorry for the wait to all those who actually like the story and want to see it updated. I promise I'll have the next chapter up in due time.
On a final note, please review! I love to know my readers' inputs, whether they be good, constructive, or not all that good. (Although I would prefer it if I didn't recieve any flames, please.) x.x;;