Moment of Silence
"Today," Tallahassee began, "is a very, very, sad day." Columbus rolled his eyes. They had been roaming around Zombieland for years now, and still the goddamn cowboy just couldn't let go. It was rather strange. Once he found a Twinkie, Tallahassee's outright ecstasy was even greater than that time in Albuquerque when he had found the rocket launchers. Columbus had added a thirty-third rule to his list after the incident- appreciate the rednecks.
Tallahassee took a Kleenex out of his pocket. His three companions winced. They had only seen the psychopathic maniac cry when reminiscing about his son, and it had not been a very pleasant sight. The disturbing experience of having to share a Hummer with a depressed- yes, depressed- Tallahassee had been even worse. Thankfully, a troupe of zombies had happened upon their car. Nothing could cheer Tallahassee up like the prospect of gripping a very large gun, pointing it at a crazed undead, racking the gun, hearing a satisfying "click", and promptly blowing the brains out of any Zombie misfortunate enough to cross his path.
Tallahassee blew his nose loudly. "Today marks the beginning of the month that is truly a month that will live in infamy."
Wichita cleared her throat. "You- that just ripped off FDR."
Tallahassee ignored her. "I'm sure we all know what the month of September means. On this month, five years ago, the Zombie apocalypse began."
Now Columbus fell silent. Nobody knew exactly when the virus had first begun to spread, but everyone knew that it was in September, so the group had designated the first of September of every year as the official anniversary of the beginning of the end. Columbus had never paid much attention to the date, but now, five years after the start of it all, the numerical tidiness made his reflect on the last five years of his life. Though the abject terror and growling hordes of mutant undead had certainly detracted from the experience, Columbus could say that the last five years had been pretty damn awesome. Having actual friends had been a definite plus, for one.
"And, as well all know, American civilization as we know it crumbled five years ago. We will not miss some things- the Jonas Brothers, Paris Hilton, and damn idiots who dared to question the second amendment. However, there are some things that will be sorely missed, and these things will remain in our heart forever," Tallahassee said. The cowboy wiped a tear from his eye. "Oh, God," Little Rock breathed. "Here we go again."
"The company Hostess," Tallahassee said, choking back sobs, "was killed by the Zombies five years ago. Ever since then, the production of Twinkies has halted. Words cannot describe the tragedy that struck this nation when the last box of Twinkies rolled out of that assembly line, never followed by another."
The cowboy lost his composure, breaking down into uncontrolled wails of agony. Little Rock stepped forward to comfort him. After a couple of minutes, Tallahassee stood back up.
"And now," he said, "after five years, the last Twinkie in this country- maybe on this planet- has expired. A fresh Twinkie is now a non-existent thing in this world. The Twinkie has died today. God bless its cream filled soul. Amen."
On cue, Tallahassee, Wichita, Columbus, and Little Rock raised their respective shotgun, handgun, assault rifle, and carbine. They quickly fired off a sloppy twenty-one gun salute that probably was either twenty-two or twenty guns. Oh well.
After they were finished, Tallahassee raised his hand. "In memory of Twinkies, I would like everyone assembled to take part in a moment of silence."
One long minute passed in total silence. After it was over, Tallahassee made some final remarks.
"It would be greatly appreciated if everyone spent the remainder of this month remembering the Twinkie."
Columbus rolled his eyes. Who was Tallahassee, the thought police?
The cowboy turned to Columbus and Wichita. "To aid with this remembrance, I would like all members of this party to abstain from… you know what… for the rest of the month. That's actually the whole month, I guess."
Columbus' eyes widened. "What?!" he shouted. Wichita quickly reddened, and Little Rock giggled at her sister's embarrassment.
In a rare moment of actual defiance, Columbus got in Tallahassee's face. Wichita gasped. This was not going to go down well.
Columbus seethed. "What gives you the right-"
Tallahassee pumped his shotgun menacingly, suddenly seeming several inches- no, feet- taller than Columbus. Columbus, reverting to his usual self, backed up rather quickly.
"What gives me the right? I sell cans of kickass wholesale, buddy-boy. So nut up- even though I guess you won't be doing much of that- or shut up," he growled. Columbus backed up rather hurriedly.
Tallahassee blew his nose again and regressed into a rather depressed state. "Twinkies, Twinkies," he muttered. "Oh, Twinkies…"
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What is this, the 22nd Zombieland fanfic? I think the first 50th fanfics of every subject deserve a medal or something. Review, please. Down there.