Thanks for clicking on this. :D

Hi, my name is Strike of Shadow (you can call me Rachel too). Yes, I'm the weird girl who wrote the story about Galbatorix being a pothead. Surprisingly the things that come out of my mind are not from the use of drugs or alcohol.

I am so excited to write this. :D If you love people with twisted senses of humor, you have found the right place to be. And I highly recommend you to read "Quest for Sanity" too, because it makes the story five times more funny.

But besides that crap...

Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon. If I did, that would be freaking awesome to the max man.

Rating: T (language)

Genre: Humor

Summary: Ever wanted to know how Galbatorix lived his life? How does he answer mail, look at himself in the mirror, eat dinner? All these questions can be answered by reading this wonderful work of fiction. :D (Summary sucks, just read it dude)

Talking = "I think my toothbrush is in love with my stapler."

Thinking = Wow this story already makes no sense whatsoever.

And one note, this story supports my theory that Galbatorix is a crazy old man and the reason why no one sees him is because of his insanity. That is all.

Once upon a time in a place called Alagaesia, there was a king named Galbatorix who ruled the land. In legends he was deemed as a ruthless and cruel man, and even sent two races of beings into hiding for a hundred years. The years of his rule were terrible for those who stayed in plain view, and many people lived in fear of King Galbatorix and his army.

The king kept himself locked in his castle to make sure he was unstoppable and so he couldn't be harmed from an unthinkable force. Because of this, the only people to behold the terrible king were his servants, his closest companions, and those deemed worthy enough to see him (like the pizza guy who lived next door).

And those poor, poor souls. They had to endure being in this king's almighty presence from day in and day out because most of those souls were never able to leave the castle grounds. And why were all of these people in the castle never allowed to leave the castle grounds, you ask?

King Galbatorix the Great was slowly growing insane from his old age.

(A/N: His age is presumely around 750 million years old according to Caprice Manachi's tell all book called "Galbatorix the Insane: How I Dealt Living With This Old Man for a Month")

"So I told him" Galbatorix said sitting in his nice chair in his throne room pointing at Durza, "where's my slippers?"

Durza gave a nervous laugh and changed the subject abruptly. "So where do you want me to put the troops at, your majesty?"

"What about Melrose Place?" Galbatorix exclaimed.

"Melrose Place?" Durza asked with an astonished tone. "Where is that?"

"You know that place with all those teenyboppers and their rap music!" Galbatorix replied. "They'd never expect it!"

Durza nodded his head with a confused look on his face. "Alright, your majesty, it shall be done."

Galbatorix grinned. Haha, take that Aaron Spelling! Now you won't have your strange world of sex, lies, money, and illegal substances after my army attacks!

After finishing that thought, the local mailman walked in the throne room with a small bag of letters. To try to avoid conversation with the old man, he held his head down and placed the medium-sized brown bag on the ground under Galbatorix. Before he could take a step back towards the door, Galbatorix opened his mouth.

"Mailman, you gave me some letters!" Galbatorix exclaimed.

"Yes, sir." the mailman answered in a dull tone.

"Will you tell Sheila that I say hi?" Galbatorix asked.

"Sure." the mailman replied.

He took two or three steps away from the king until Galbatorix's voice raised again.

"And can you tell that to Tyrone too?" he inquired.

"I will." the mailman replied again.

He took another step. He cringed when the king's voice raised a third time.

"And Jounouchi Katsuya?" Galbatorix questioned.

"Yes." the mailman answered in an annoyed tone.

For every step the mailman took, Galbatorix asked to add another name to the list. This listed included: Geri, Alan, Samuel, Darrell, Spiderman, Yolanda, Anna. The mailman was about to walk out of the room and then Galbatorix raised his voice again.

"And the ugly chick from 'Sex and the City'? " Galbatorix asked.

"Yes, yes, I'll tell them all!" the mailman screamed. He proceeded to pull some hair out his head and ran out of the room screaming.

Galbatorix tilited his head and sneered at the mailman running away. "What put his panties in a twister?"

After the screaming subsided, the king bent down and pulled a huge stack of letters from the bag. He looked at the envelopes to determine what each letter contained.

"Bill, junk, restraining order, complaint, junk...CHARITABLE DONATION?" Galbatorix exclaimed. "HOW COULD SOME ASK ME FOR A CHARITABLE DONATION?!"

Galbatorix scanned the envelope to see how had sent him this terrible letter. "The Church of Helgrind?" Galbatorix cried out. "What blasphemy! You shall pay for asking me for a charitable donation!"

The old king pulled out a list and a pen from his pocket. At the top of list it said "People to get Revenge On". He crossed Aaron Spelling of his list and added the Church of Helgrind to his list. There were two uncrossed names on the list. These two names were Eragon and Yu-Gi-Oh. Galbatorix placed the list and his pen back into this pocket.

"What other goodies does the mail hold for me today?" Galbatorix stated with an excited tone.

He looked through the mailbag and pulled a yellow envelope out of the bag. The king tore the envelope open and pulled the letter out. He began to read the letter.

"Dear Galbatorix,

Hey Galbatorix, this is uhh...Eragon...a. Yeah Eragona! I'm your great grandma that's older than the dinosaurs! I would like to come "visit" you sometime soon so we could catch up. I haven't seen you in ages! You must be all grown up by now. Well, write back to your dear ol' granny because I'd love to see you!

Love,
Eragona

P.S. This is definitely not Eragon."

Galbatorix smiled and wiped a tear off his eye. "What a lovely message." Galbatorix pulled out a pen and paper out of nowhere and began to reply to the message.

"Dear Grandma,

Remember that time I drove two races of beings into hiding? Maybe you can show me that way how to torture traitors again! That was so fun! Watching them scream in absolute pain while we laughed and sipped on some sweet tea. Oh, those were the gay ol' times! Sometime we should do it again Grandma!

Ooh the sounds of screaming ringing again in my head,
Galbatorix"

When Galbatorix finished writing his letter, Murtagh sauntered into the room with his superior angst-ness and looked at the smiling king.

"Did someone write you another letter pretending to be your grandmother?" Murtagh asked.

"My dear grandma" Galbatorix reminisced, "I remember the time she told me that a mass extinction of all the non-human races was a good idea."

"Wasn't that your idea after they all got pissed off at you?" Murtagh questioned.

"Murtagh there is one thing in life that you need to still learn." Galbatorix stated.

He picked up a random opened letter from the bag. "Like Jessica from Reno, California says here: Boxers or briefs? or Pablo from Margaritaville: no comprendo esto cuento y por qué su ser escrito."

"What is that supposed to teach me?" Murtagh asked with an annoyed tone.

Galbatorix was staring off in space and then realized Murtagh was there. "Murtagh, did I ever tell you the story about my Grandma?"

Murtagh groaned. Not this again.

Yes, no, maybe so? This chapter is rather random but its introducing you to his craziness. Plus I needed to establish the fact the Galbatorix loves violence and torture but hates Yugioh, Eragon, and charities. Also that he is completely crazy and makes no sense.

Read and review, please. :D