Disclaimer: Don't own nothing.
Warning: AU, silliness, no point, perhaps a little OOC too.
Not supposed to make sense (1/1)
24 March 2009 - this is a rewrite of "It Doesn't Make Sense"
When Cloud was rudely awakened at seven earlier that morning, he already had a bad premonition. But he never would have guessed that it would involve him, a law firm and a reasonably pissed off Sephiroth, who threatened that if Cloud did not accompany him as a testifying witness today, he would accidentally leak out the fact that Cloud still kept his childhood footsie pajamas.
"Just so you know," muttered a disgruntled Cloud on the uncomfortable seats in the law firm, "my mom made those for me. I just kept them as a memento."
"Whatever makes you happy, Strife," replied Sephiroth nonchalantly while flipping through an old copy of Reader's Digest as they waited to be seen.
Cloud glared at the silver-haired general but when Sephiroth made it clear that he wasn't in the mood to entertain any emo rants from Cloud today, the blond snatched a magazine from the coffee table and proceeded to flip through it furiously. Sephiroth refrained from pointing out that Cloud was reading Teen Vogue, much to the amusement of the female secretaries who had been observing the pair ever since they entered.
After several moments of giving Sephiroth the cold shoulder, Cloud crumbled and asked the general, "Tell me again why I'm here with you?"
"My image and reputation have been dragged through dirt ever since I allowed that gaming company - Squaresoft, SquareEnix, Squeenix, or whatever they choose to call themselves now - to use me as a character in one of their games. I am now going to sue them. You are here to testify for me."
Cloud placed Teen Vogue back on the table. "Sephiroth, everyone received the same treatment and I don't see Vincent or Zack here with us. Heck, my image is the one that's ruined the most and you don't hear me complaining!"
"You're complaining now," Sephiroth pointed out.
"That's not the point," Cloud rebutted. "They're fans, Sephiroth. Fangirls. You can't help what they write about you or control how they choose to draw you."
"Strife," Sephiroth gritted out, "I have been pictured countless times as your lover and sometimes it's not even monogamous! I'd be sleeping with Zack on the side and be brain-fucked by Hojo the rest of the time. My reputation as the omnipotent, crazy offspring of Jenova has been flushed!"
Cloud blinked, a little taken back. "Well, uh, to be fair, you didn't have a good reputation to begin with. Besides, it's better than being depicted as a girly, defenseless puppy from Nibelheim, am I right?"
"You are a girly, defenseless puppy from Nibelheim."
"Take that back!" exclaimed Cloud. He was rather self-conscious about that. "Most of the time, those fans make me sound like a weakling whenever you're concerned and in our non-existent romance, I'm always the girl!"
"That I can't argue with," said Sephiroth with a light shrug. "It's obvious that I would dominate you."
"Untrue! I finished you off - twice!"
Sephiroth took a moment to appraise the blue eyes that had gone brighter in a blaze of anger and the perfect features of the warrior he once called cadet. The years had been very kind to Cloud Strife. It was no wonder the fangirls went crazy. If circumstances had been different - if he wasn't destined to destroy the world, if Cloud wasn't the one chosen to defeat him - something might've sparked between them.
"I am surprised," he confessed, "that you aren't more angry that your image has been distorted beyond recognition. Do enjoy being depicted as a slut for myself, Zack, Vincent, Lockhart, or whosoever who had ever clapped eyes on you?"
"I've learned to deal with it." Here, Cloud had taken on the familiar world-on-my-shoulders stance. "As I have everything else."
"Congratulations, Strife. You have perfected the image of the lonely, angsty hero. I can understand why the fans love to play with your reputation. But I'm just someone who went crazy. Why would they bother writing stories about a psychopath?"
"It's because you're sexy," replied Cloud. "If you were ugly like Hojo, the fangirls would leave you alone. But you had to have the long silver hair, the green cat eyes, the deep voice and the whole charismatic badass act. Your armour doesn't even completely cover your chest!" Cloud exclaimed, pointing at Sephiroth's barely-concealed torso. "Of course the fangirls will pounce on you."
He stopped when he saw Sephiroth's brilliant mako eyes staring at him with stunned disbelief. "Well, Strife, I had no idea you felt so strongly about me."
"I don't!" said Cloud hotly, picking up Teen Vogue again to hide his burning cheeks. "I'd just given this topic a little bit of thought, that's all." Sephiroth gave no reply after that.
The silence between them dragged. The wall clock above their heads ticked, the female secretaries continued to swoon after their good looks and Cloud finally exchanged Teen Vogue for something less embarrassing, National Geographic. The stretch continued until Sephiroth said, " In another place. At another time." He gave Cloud an amused look that made the blond's eyebrows jump in surprise. "Perhaps a different gender. You and I might've worked."
Cloud swallowed. What was Sephiroth saying all of a sudden? Was the stuffiness of the room affecting his head? You and I might've worked, Sephiroth had said.
Cloud had wanted it to work. But he had given up long ago. Bengal tigers; he should get back to reading about Bengal tigers in his magazine. They are the most interesting creatures-
"What do you think of Spira?"
"Huh?" Cloud replied dumbly.
"I have an acquaintance there. Seymour. He promised to provide accommodations and a grand tour should I ever choose to visit his homeland. Would you like to come along?"
Cloud's eyes widened. In another place. Sephiroth was still reading Reader's Digest like it was no big deal. At another time. Still kept that annoying calm disposition although Cloud's heart was going into overdrive at the proposition.
Well two could play at that game. Cloud had spent years mastering his poker face and now he was almost as good as Sephiroth at it. "I'll think about it," he answered. "I'm not changing my gender," he added snappily after several moments.
Before Sephiroth could reply with a witty comeback, the lawyer they had been waiting for was finally free to receive them. He led them into his office and sat behind his huge desk, steeping his fingers before him. "Mr. Sephiroth, I received your proposal. But before we discuss the matter, I have to admit being a little surprised at you being here."
"Is something wrong?" asked the general.
"Cases like yours aren't rare," started the man.
"They're not?" interrupted Cloud, surprised.
The man shook his head. "My brother's law firm has many clients with cases like yours. Perhaps you might know them by name: Leonhart, Roxas, Valentine..." Sephiroth gave Cloud a cool withering look to which Cloud replied with a wide-eyed shrug.
"In fact," the lawyer continued, "many of those clients were surprised that you haven't filed a case yourself, Mr. Strife. Anyways, getting back to the point, there is a reason why clients with cases like yours usually choose my brother's law firm over mine, Mr. Sephiroth. You see, the female secretaries in this firm, the ones who have been staring at you in the waiting room and the same ones who are staring at you now through the glass door of my office - they are the fangirls you dread so much.
=0=
omake
Weeks later in Spira....
"I'm glad you decided to drop charges against that gaming company," revealed Cloud as he exited the shower after a grueling game of Blitzball with a team from the Besaid Island.
"Mm-hm," replied Sephiroth indifferently, draped over a chair languidly with a laptop balanced on his thighs. "I realised that not everything that the fans produce are completely bad. Some of them are sources for great inspiration."
Cloud laughed. "What sort of inspiration?" he asked naively as he ransacked through his suitcase for some beachwear. The captain of the Besaid Blitzball team, a friendly redhead called Wakka, had invited him out for dinner by the sea with the team. Cloud was excited. He didn't get to see the sea very often.
However, he was interrupted when he felt warm breath against the back of his neck. He stiffened. "Sephiroth?" he tried meekly.
"This sort of inspiration," retorted the general-on-holiday. He wrapped his arms around Cloud's midsection and carried him off to a more accommodating horizontal surface to do unmentionable things to him, ignoring Cloud's cries that he had a dinner date, that he promised to meet Watta - erm, no, Wikka - wait, that's not it, stop doing that! I can't remember his name when you - aaaaaah! SEPH!
=0=
owari
A/N: Thanks, Kerttu, for pointing out several mistakes!