Five Things (And One More)

by snowyseas

In which Haru reminisces about his memories with Makoto, and he feels guilty. Happy ending. [MakoHaru] [complete]

i. "I still remember the endearment in your voice when you called me by my nickname, even though we were both young and filled with naiveté."

We sat at the ledge, our feet dipped into the cool water that one afternoon. Everyone had left earlier, saying that they were exhausted from today's rigorous practice. You were smiling as you kicked your feet against the water, your eyes closed. You were content. Even with your eyes closed, I remember that I imagined the warmth you exuded. I loved you the most when you were like this, back then.

"Makoto, don't kick the water."

Your eyes shot open, and you looked at me sheepishly. You leaned back on your palms and stared at the ceiling, and I knew that you were tired, too, but you chose to stay with me. It was no question that you'd stay with me, and everyone knew that. This was a habit that continued well after our teenage years. I watched the glimmer of the pool that reflected the sunlight outside - it was a beautiful day, I remember. Even though we were both still damp from swimming not even an hour ago, I was tempted to dive in. Any beautiful day is a good day for swimming was my philosophy. I stood up and ruffled my hair before taking a step towards the diving boards.

"Let's swim."

"Eh? But we just did!"

"I want to swim."

You knitted your eyebrows together, your face scrunched up. You always used to look at me like this, whenever you were worried, but didn't want to show it. It didn't happen that often after we grew up, but when it did, I secretly cherished it. It made me happy, knowing that you still continued to watch over me, particularly during the time I decided didn't want to swim anymore. You always used to pretend that you didn't worry as much, but as I got to know you better, and as we got older, I learned that you always cared more than you gave off.

"You'll catch a cold," you prompted.

I climbed onto the diving board, getting ready to dive in. I saw your small frame run towards me, your voice apprehensive, but not to the point that you were panicking. It's not that I wanted you to be worried and to chase after me, and it's not that I was inconsiderate of how worried you were. At the time, as you found out only a year after that, swimming was the very thing that made me feel as though I existed. It took me a while to realize that you made me feel as though I existed, too. Thinking back on ordinary days like these, you might've thought nothing apart from swimming was important to me.

I remember every detail of your voice, your face, your eyes. They always shone through when you were with me like this.

"Haru-chan!"

You shrieked just as I was about to dive in, but I froze. I sensed the tension in your body, and it was probably due to the fact that you were cold. I remember thinking that I wanted to bundle you up in my warm towel, since yours was damp. I remember feeling like I wanted to protect you from whatever could harm you. It was such a simple way of thinking, that I didn't realize it was also complicated in different ways. I guess that's the reason everyone favors love that sprouts from when they're young; it's the untainted love you experience before any hurt and heartbreak.

"Don't add the -chan," I muttered before shutting out the rest of the world. I saw your hand reach out, attempting to catch me before I could submerge in the water, but there was only one thing I was thinking of: the way my nickname (that I hated) sounded in your mouth. I never told you, but I wanted you to keep calling me by my nickname for as long as you were in my life.

I think of the first day you called me my precious name as I hold your hand in mine, my face dry, but my heart bleeding from the wounds.

I couldn't see your chest rising, or hear your gentle breathing.

ii. "I am still so sorry that I made you listen to my troubles; I should've been listening to yours."

The day that you were assigned to be captain, you came to my house to tell me that you felt unconfident in doing so. You paced around my living room, expressing a kind of panic that I'd seen you wear when your mother first came home with the twins. You stared at them from afar, too afraid to hold them, even though you loved them greatly. I remember your mother patting you on the head when you said you were going to draw a house for them, to show them where home was. Your father smiled at that, his eyes soft and loving.

"Haru, I really think you should be captain instead."

"I'm not a leader type."

"Neither am I!"

"You care about people differently than I do."

"That's not true."

"If someone doesn't have passion for swimming, I don't think they should join our club. You wouldn't kick them out."

At that, you stayed silent. You hummed and rubbed the nape of your neck. I drank from my cup as I watched you knit your eyebrows together in the way that you always do whenever you were worried. You mumbled about recruiting new members, about how you'd help Kou come up with new exercise regimes, about how you'd work hard to make sure everyone improved. I smiled, thinking about how you were doubting yourself in the beginning. You always did that - telling yourself you couldn't do it, but once you set your mind to it, you were better than anyone else. For that, I admired you greatly.

I looked out the glass door just then, thinking about how long it had been since I had gone swimming. It was autumn, and it frustrated me that I couldn't go to the pool as often as I wished. I sighed.

"Haru-chan," you called from behind me. I turned around to find you were inches away from my face. I felt my heart skip a beat as your lips spread into your gentle smile.

"Thank you," you whispered.

I couldn't move, even though I willed myself to reach forward and press my lips to yours. Staring at the softness in your eyes, I knew that you felt the same way. I knew that I was not just Haru-chan to you, but I was your Haru-chan. It took us longer than it should've to admit how we felt. It was only because we were too considerate of the other's reaction and feelings, up to the point that we were blind to the fact that we felt the exact same way. I loved you more than I thought I could, and that feeling alone was enough to assure me that I was meant to be with you.

I want to bury my head in my hands as I watch them place the mask over your mouth, their calm voices communicating to each other. Your blood pressure, your wounds, your closed eyes. I have never felt so lost.

iii. "I hated green eyes because I thought they were pale and boring - and then I noticed the way you looked at me, and I realized, that your eyes were green."

I didn't know what it meant when people told me that it was obvious you loved me, because of the way you looked at me.

To me, the way you looked at me was the same as how you looked at any other person. Although this killed me at the time, I tried to put you first. I remember how I supported you if a girl confessed to you, giving you a homemade bento that she spent the whole night making. I watched your eyes, and I noticed that they were paler when you rejected these girls, telling them that you loved someone else. They walked away feeling utterly hopeless, but you always made sure they bounced right back. You set up dates for them, telling them they deserved better. It angered me that you were able to shrug them off like that, even when I was the one who was in love with you.

"You know, you're too nice," I told you one day, when we were walking home from school. It was a rough day for both of us - five girls had given you homemade bentos, and you declined all of them.

"Huh? But it's only natural - I can't just ignore them!"

"Actually, you can do exactly that. They're humans - they were made to be able to bounce back. Even without your help."

You hummed as you stared towards the ocean, and you told me how beautiful the sky was that day. I nodded and continued to walk. It was about five minutes when I realized you were still staring at the ocean. I cocked my head and jogged back towards you, about to ask you what was wrong. Your eyes turned towards me, and you wore that smile that I only see when you looked at me. I felt the warmth radiating from your green eyes and I felt my nerves become erratic. You took one, then two steps toward me, and with your large hand, you held onto my wrist, moving up slowly to my palm. You laced your fingers through mine and gave my palm a squeeze. You smiled and your cheeks were tinged with red. I suddenly understood what they meant when they told me how you looked at me: like I was the bed where you come home to each night, or the painless ache you feel in your limbs the morning you wake up after making love. I suddenly was able to see all that you felt through your calm, green eyes. I squeezed your palm in reply, and I remember how hot my face felt when you leaned in to kiss me. Your eyes were still halfway open, and you dragged me to an alley where no one could catch us. You sighed as you moved in, and I felt your eyes absorb my entire being with an affection I've always wanted to give you, but couldn't. I pressed harder into your kiss when you grazed my lips, and I sunk into you.

I remember you chuckled that day when I told you I didn't want you to go home yet. We spent the entire night kissing, touching, feeling. Our breaths were ragged and you wouldn't stop holding my face. I felt as though my heart was going to burst.

Do you remember? I ask you in my head as I incessantly squeeze your hand, hoping you'll squeeze back.

iv. "I'm not in love with you - at least, I think so."

"Haru-chan, when are you going to tell Makoto you love him?"

"Huh? We're already dating, he must know."

"Don't be so sure, Haruka-senpai! Sometimes people's hearts aren't as easy to get through as you think."

I flopped back against the wall behind me, pouting. I remember thinking that it was ridiculous, to tell someone that you loved them, when you were already in a relationship. Was there any other reason to be in a relationship other than because you loved that person? I chewed on the food that I brought for lunch as Rei and Nagisa devised a 'plan' so that I'd tell you that I loved you. I rolled my eyes then and told them to quit it, but the reality that I never told you, was that I was frightened. I was someone that didn't express any kind of emotion, and when I did, it was because I knew for sure about what I wanted. Or what the other person wanted, rather.

Telling my parents I loved them was easy.

Telling all the stray cats I fed that I loved them was easy.

Telling you I loved you - that was a different story.

"Mako-chan, are you done with your chores? We've been waiting forever, you know!" Nagisa spewed the moment Makoto walked into the room. Makoto laughed, and Rei sighed.

"Nagisa-kun, be nice. Makoto-senpai has responsibilities we can't just pull him out of!"

They began their bickering, Nagisa playfully arguing his point of view, while Rei tried to convince him, through logic, that he was the right one. I ignored them, staring at the floor next to me, pretending to be in deep thought. I saw you from the corner of my eye, and you walked towards me. I could feel myself begin to crumble. Do I want to tell him I love him? You pecked me on the cheek and pulled me into your lap. Your arms were a haven for me, and I felt all the blood rush to my face. You nuzzled my shoulder from under me, and I stared at Rei and Nagisa, attempting to distract myself.

"Haru-chan," you whispered.

"Hmm?"

"How are you today?"

I blinked.

"Fine. How are you?"

"I'm always fine. I get to see you everyday, after all."

I chuckled, and I felt your lips spread against my shoulder. If it was up to me, I'd get a red thread and tie it to our pinkies, binding us together. Moments like this where we never really talked about anything at all always made me feel lucky to be with you. Even as we got older, there wasn't a day that I didn't feel blessed to have you.

I could smell your scent through my nose, and I felt your warmth through my shirt. You sighed against the fabric and occasionally, you smiled. Your fingers were gentle with how they moved against my waist, and once in a while, when you thought I wasn't paying attention, you'd kiss the nape of my neck softly. We continued to sit like this for about ten minutes, even with Rei and Nagisa bickering. I began to feel restless, and I turned to face you, our faces just inches away from each other.

"Do you think people get into relationships for another reason apart from loving each other?" I asked you.

You blinked, evidently confused. You were usually the one asking ridiculous questions. The only difference was I never gave you an answer because I never knew how to answer you. I idly thought back to all the times you asked me if the taller boyfriend was meant to make the shorter boyfriend a bento, or whether only the taller boyfriend can be the big spoon, even if they wanted to be spooned. I wanted to smile, but refrained myself, because you looked terribly serious.

"I think plenty of people get into relationships for lots of different reasons."

"Apart from loving each other?"

"Apart from loving each other."

I paused.

"Like what?"

"People sometimes get married because of money. There's no real love in a lot of those marriages."

"That's horrible."

"I know."

I nodded, turning back around to see that Nagisa and Rei had already turned on the TV, and were still bickering despite the picture before them. I smiled. Your arms wrapped around my waist were warm and strong, and I placed my arms on top of yours. You chuckled.

"Is that all you wanted to ask?"

"Hmm, yeah."

You became silent then, and I guess you suddenly became interested in the program on TV. I felt the burning in my cheeks again as I thought about your arms around me and your lips so near my neck.

"Makoto?"

"Yes?"

I hesitated, thinking that maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all.

"Nothing," I decided, attempting to give myself more time to think clearly before I told you.

"Okay," you replied, and I heard the smile in your voice. Always smiling.

The TV program was about twenty minutes in when I decided I'd tell you. I braced myself, turning my body just slightly under your hold so I could see your face. Your eyebrows shot up in a way that said, 'What's wrong?' and I felt the ocean of nerves spring on me again. I forced myself to look at your eyes, since they always made me calm. I didn't consider the fact that looking at a person's eyes when you were telling them something serious (i.e. that you loved them) was so nerve-wracking and intimate.

I moved my face closer by an inch, and our noses grazed. Your eyes softened, and I felt you begin to move in to kiss me. My stomach was doing things I didn't know it was capable of doing when you were around. It almost drove me nuts, and to be frank, I almost broke your hold to leave the room to hide my embarrassment. Your lips pressed softly against mine, and I sighed. You grinned, and to hide my red face, I turn towards the TV again. My head and heart were racing and I could hear my heartbeat in my ear. I gritted my teeth as I mustered the courage, praying to whatever god existed to be kind to me.

"Makoto, I love you," I whispered, low enough only for you to hear.

You didn't move. Your arms were still around my waist, but you didn't move. I waited a few seconds, trying to gauge a reaction from you, but it seemed as though you weren't even breathing. Perhaps I said it wrong, I thought. I opened my mouth to apologize and I was ready to come up with a reason as to why I said those three words, but before I could, you put your face against my shoulder. Your arms, which were firm around my waist, now tightened, and I felt my heart burst. Your lips moved up to kiss the side of my neck, and then I felt your breath next to my ear. I heard the relief in your voice, I remember.

"I love you too, Haru-chan. So much."

The rest of the night consisted of trying to get Nagisa and Rei to leave, and then countless kisses upon your bed. My heart and skin felt as though they were on fire under your touch. Your kisses left me shivering and at the end, I held you close and whispered in your ear, how much I loved you. I felt your tears on my neck and I kissed your wet cheeks. You told me you had never felt happier.

I place the pads of my thumbs upon your eyelids, sweeping across the surface. The paramedics drove as fast as they could, and I prayed to whatever god existed to be kind to me, and to you.

v. "Your name is soft in my mouth - just like mine is in yours."

Your fingers rubbed soft circles against my hips, and you whispered soothing words in my ear. I felt my head begin to lull but I was very aware of the bulge in your pants. Your velvet voice made my insides shiver from sheer lust, and I tightened my grip on your arms to keep myself together. Do you remember?

"Haru-chan, you're drunk."

"I can feel... your bone..r."

"You're still drunk."

"But.. I w-want you," I hiccuped, and you chuckled. You pulled me tighter against you.

"What do you want, Haru-chan?" you whispered, your voice lower since I walked into the room and landed on your lap. I gulped.

"I want to make love," I said with conviction. Your eyes appeared to be confused, but you quickly adjusted to the surprise in my demeanor and you kissed me.

Your hands explored my body and your fingertips pressed along my hipbone and my lower back - just right above where my boxers were showing. Your lips ravaged my neck, kissing softly, then making bruises with your teeth and tongue. I sighed when one hand travelled up my shirt, caressing my stomach. I shivered when your other hand rubbed my growing erection. I threw my head back and you pressed your lips softly against my Adam's apple.

"You're so beautiful, Haru-chan," you whispered against my skin.

We shuffled around and we touched each other's clothes with feverish fumbling. I held your face in my hands as I murmured your name against your lips. I won't forget what came after - you groaned and you wrapped your arms tighter around my waist, giving me little room to be able to move. Your lips grazed my eyelids, then the apples of my cheeks, then my chin, before you finally settled firmly on my mouth. I didn't realize it, but my mouth was partially opened, and you took advantage, slipping your tongue inside. Your hands hiked up my shirt and suddenly, everything felt like it was happening in a daze.

"Bedroom?" you murmured. I nodded, panting.

We tumbled up the stairs as we tried not to break the contact, our hands always searching, our mouths always sighing. I peeled your shirt off your skin, slowly pulling it over your head. Your eyes were glazed over, so clouded with love and lust. Your mouth found mine as you pushed me gently onto the bed, and I felt your weight dip the bed. My mouth kissed whatever I could reach - your neck, your collarbone, as you unbuckled my pants slowly, chuckling at how much I bucked underneath your touch.

"Haru-chan, I love you," you whispered against my stomach, sending chills up my spine.

You dragged your tongue across my skin, marking me with your teeth and lips in places I was most sensitive. Your strong hands kneaded my thighs, and my brain tuned in to the fact that my pants were still on.

"Makoto - pants," I groaned.

You obeyed, your hands skillfully pulling them off me, then tossing them to the floor. I watched as your eyes roamed about the lower half of my body, and I felt more blood rush to my groin. You smirked at my moans. Your hands pushed down on my hips, sending a jolt through me and causing me to sigh your name. You kissed my lips tenderly, always so lovingly. Your hands pumped me slowly as you sucked on my bottom lip, nibbling slightly - just enough to have me begging.

"Hmm?" you mumbled.

"Your pants. Take off," I managed to get out.

Normally when I was drunk and asked you to make love, you always teased me by refusing to give in to me too quickly. This time, one of the many times that we made love, you pulled off your pants, seemingly relieved and content. Your lips found mine again, and I looped my arms around you, pulling you in for a harder kiss. I could taste you on my tongue, and in that moment, you pressed your erection to mine, rolling your hips just slightly.

"Your shirt isn't off yet, Haru-chan," you pant.

"Take it off."

Your hands slowly pulled my shirt over my head, and you planted a kiss to my nose before planting kisses down my neck and then across my chest. I felt my insides burst with affection and love, that I began trembling. Your lips were even gentler then, leaving ticklish trails along my skin. I squirmed.

The room filled with moans and sighs, words of 'I love you,' and calling each other's name, whispering it like a mantra against the other's skin. Our writhing bodies collide as we swallow each other's moans, loving so fully and so honestly. My name in your mouth is sweet, your tongue sweeping along my skin as you whisper, holding my name in your mouth as though it was your mission to keep it safe. Your hips pressed forward and your name suddenly became a plea. Your arms held me tight as I kissed your neck, leaving more marks for you to remember this night, to remind you of me. We both froze and I arched my back, my mouth open, as your eyes screwed shut, your jaw tight. We laid, still holding each other, even when you moved to my side to hold me.

I whispered your name in your ear until I fell asleep, and you replied with kisses on my face. As I drifted off, I heard you quietly call my name before you planted a kiss on my forehead, pulling me tighter into your embrace.

They place you on a stretcher and run through the hospital, yelling at each other to grab things to help you survive. Words I couldn't understand - jumbles of numbers I couldn't fathom. I stare at your closed eyes as I run through the hospital with them, my heart thumping in my chest, threatening to break my throat and allow the tears to flow. I grit my teeth as I swallow the sobs.

"Are you his family?" a paramedic asks me.

"I'm the only family he has here. We're away from home."

She nods, then proceeds to pull my arm to keep pace with you. I force myself to be strong for you. For you, I would do anything.

vi. one more thing - "Do you ever think about my eyes like I think about yours?"

The first month is the hardest. I come by everyday to see you, even when your eyes are closed. Your face is calm, and I can't help but think that maybe, you are dreaming of another world while I dream of you. The nurses always say hello, and they let me put more liquid for your medicine. I take your blood pressure, and I always make sure your body is clean. It is hard, Makoto. No one else understands how lost I feel, though I think they can get a pretty a good idea. Your parents and the twins call me everyday to ask about your condition. You haven't moved an inch since the accident. I worry each day, and I cry each night as I use all my energy to love you, while still loving myself.

I should've been faster, I keep thinking. If you were awake, you'd tell me that nothing was ever my fault.

By the second month, I am accustomed to the tasks the nurses allowed me to do. Some of the other patients mistake me for a trainee, and while it's rewarding to talk with some of the children here, it's not quite the same as going back to your room. I don't understand what I expect when I go back to you - maybe I hope that you will be sitting up with my favorite smile plastered on your face - but there is always a sadness that is so hollow I can't seem to fill it with anything else but memories of you.

I call your name each day, cooing it and caressing it with my throat thick and my eyes wet. You never answer.

Sometimes, the doctor asks me to open your eyes and peer into them with a tiny flashlight, to see your eye movement. Something to do with REM - or the lack of it, or something. I don't really pay attention to what the doctor tells me about what this might mean - all that matters to me is that you wake up.

Rin comes by everyday during the third month, since he's on vacation. He helps me with your medicine, and he sometimes talks to the children when I am taking care of you. He's been a big help, keeping me company. He sometimes tells me that I am too skinny, and that I need to actually eat the food that the nurses buy for me. I always nod, but I don't tell him that I don't feel hungry anymore. I know that you would be upset if you knew, Makoto, that I only eat because I am about to black out. Checking your eyes for movement has become my addictive habit - I won't let anyone else do it. I note how they're always as green as the last time you looked at me, and how warm they make me feel. I wait for you each day, despite the fact that there are rumors around the hospital saying that you won't make it.

I wait for you each day, Makoto.

"Haru, you gotta think about what the outcome is gonna be," Rin said, on one of the days I had time to talk with the children.

"What do you mean? There's only one outcome."

"Don't be stupid."

"There's only one outcome."

"I know that you're more perceptive than that, Haru. Think about Makoto. If he wakes up and he's worse, would you want him to suffer like that?"

I don't answer.

"What if he doesn't make it? You can't obsessively take care of him, if the doctors say he won't make it."

"The doctors aren't saying it, the nurses are."

Rin sighs.

"Fair enough. But, if he doesn't make it, Haru, you can't do this to yourself. He wouldn't want you to."

"Rin, I -"

"You love him, I know. But, he loves you more than you can understand, Haru. And this is not how he would want you to deal."

I stare at my hands, avoiding looking at you or at Rin. It is unfair that Rin gets to say these things about you. It is unfair that you still won't wake up, Makoto. I feel tears stinging my eyes but I swallow them.

"You need to get out more."

"No."

"Haru -"

"No, Rin. Makoto is my responsibility."

"For fuck's sake, Haru. The accident wasn't your fault!"

"If I had swerved the other way..."

Rin slams his hand against the wall behind him and he glares at me. I can see the tears in his eyes.

"It was never your fault."

I don't answer, and Rin doesn't try to get me to. We sit for another couple of hours before he tells me he's leaving in a few days, back to Australia. I nod as he reminds me to eat more nutrients and to drink more water. He tells me to eat less mackerel and eat more fruits, and to be kinder to the nurses. Maybe then the one nurse who started the rumor would apologize. He tells me that he'll support me if I can't do it myself, and for the hundredth time in the last three months, I feel as though my heart is bleeding.

Please wake up.

Your family comes to visit everyday during the fourth month. I try to give them their space, and their time with you, but sometimes your mother comes up to me when I am in the TV room, and she hugs me. She tells me how grateful she is that you have me. She tells me she is so sorry that I am going through so much pain, and I tell her that a mother should not be saying that to her son's boyfriend. She smiles then, and she hugs me tighter. She begins to cry, and just the feel of her body as she sobs causes me to begin sniffling. She holds me when I begin to wail, telling me it wasn't my fault. Makoto, I have never wailed because of losing something, or someone, so precious to me.

Your father is kind, giving me a supply of mackerel for me to keep. He thanks me for taking care of you, and he tells me he's sorry I am suffering as much as they are. I nod and he gives me a short hug.

Ran and Ren cry in my arms, asking me if I am okay. I hush them gently, telling them I am fine. I stroke their heads as they release their sorrows on my shirt, their tears large and wet. They tell me that you will wake up, though. They are sure of it, and the conviction in their voices make me break down again.

For most of the fourth month, your family and I comfort each other with hugs and tears, reassuring each other that you would be alright. The truth is, none of us knew.

It is around nine in the morning during the beginning of the fifth month, when your doctor comes into the room to see me. He speaks with kindness and tenderness - and it reminds me a lot of you. I listen intently to what he's saying about how you seem to be improving. Your heartbeat is now steadier, and your red blood cells has mostly been recovered. However, during the accident, you hit your head in a place that might affect your brain to be unable to store future memories. I rub my neck as I absorb this, thinking about how you would only remember everything up to the accident.

What about your future? Your future job? Your dreams?

When he leaves, I sit next to your bed. I run my fingers softly through your hair and I kiss your forehead. Makoto, it is alright if you cannot remember your future. The twins' future. Your parents future. My future with you. I will stick by your side, no matter what. I pull the sheets tighter around you to keep you warm. I remember when you always made sure I was warm enough in bed - comfortable enough.

I sit by the window and watch the lights in town shut off, one by one. There is nothing exciting going on outside beforehand, but I miss the fresh air outside. I push open the windows and revel in the sounds of crickets and dogs barking a significant distance away from us. I hum your favorite song, trying to keep myself sane. I rummage through drawers for paper and pencils, and furiously draw your eyes. Open them. Open them! I draw your face, your smiling face, your scared face, your 'I love you' face. My fingers are cramping but I don't care. In the form of drawing you, I pray and hope that you will be alright.

It is the middle of the night when I open my eyes to see that your room is dark, and my drawings have been stacked neatly in front of me. I rub my eyes and yawn, curious as to how the nurses managed to not wake me. I guess it was their job to be quiet around patients, that it became a habit for them. I stretch my back, hearing the crackling in my bones and feeling particularly exhausted. When was the last time I slept properly? I shuffle over to the bathroom to splash cold water onto my face. I stare at my reflection in the mirror and realize I look as though I have had the life sucked out of me. Well, it's not far from that, anyway. I brush my teeth and change into a fresh pair of clothes, ready to sleep for the rest of the night. I pass by your bed and set up the sofa across the room to be comfortable enough that I fall asleep right away. I think about the drawings I made earlier, how frantic I had been to remember your eyes. The way they always shone when I was with you. Your smiles that were reserved only for me - they made me feel safe. All my thoughts become jumbled and more erratic the longer I wait for you to wake up, Makoto. I lay my head gently on the pillow, feeling slumber's kindness envelop me in a warmth I have not felt in a long time. Not since the last time we slept in the same bed, of course.

My eyes flutter close, but I hear you gasp. I jump off the sofa and sprint to the other side of the room to where you are. Before I get there, I hear you. I hear you so loudly, and clearly, that tears begin to fall down my face.

"Haru-chan," you whisper.

"Makoto!"

Your eyes, even in the dark, are warm as you settle them on me. I feel my chest bubble with relief that I collapse at the side of your bed, smiling and laughing. Your fingers reach for my face, and you caress my cheeks softly, my favorite smile spreading across your lips.

"Where am I? What happened?"

"You got into an accident - I still blame myself for that. You're safe now. You were out for five months."

Your eyes widen and your mouth is agape.

"But... you fought through it."

"I didn't fight through it. I just woke up."

"That's you fighting through it, idiot."

You laugh, and you suddenly fall silent that I think I am hallucinating.

"Maybe you were fighting through the pain I've put you through so much, that I woke up."

I hold your face in my hands as I kiss all over your face, and you laugh. I am crying but your fingers gently wipe them away from my cheeks and you don't hold back. Your mouth is warm against mine and I feel alive. The truth is that, when I drew your eyes earlier, it was my silent prayer for you to wake up. Your voice rings in my ears as you repeat your 'I love yous,' and my heart thrums in my chest. I feel peace and relief wash over me, and I can't help but wonder if sometimes, you depend on my eyes the way I depend on yours.

After you are released from the hospital, I can't separate myself from you. I always hold your hand and kiss your face, and even though you say you are happy, I can tell that you're upset by the fact that I went without you for so long. I kiss you to make those thoughts disappear, and they sometimes work. Everyone back home calls us constantly, asking how you are. You always answer cheerfully, and despite the fact that you say I was the fighter throughout the last five months, I think the real fighter is you. You weren't even conscious of it, but you woke up because of your wish to be with everyone you loved. Despite what your doctor warned me about your memory, you approached life with vigor and a renewed passion that I will never grow tired of.

Your love for everyone, and your selflessness, was always the very thing I admired the most when I fell in love with you, Tachibana Makoto.