"I just want to be remembered."
Those were his exact words and even after five years had passed, she still remembered them as if he had spoken them just yesterday. She stiffened at the memory before sitting up straighter in order to at least attempt to pay attention to her professor. She knew it was a lost cause. Her professor was unable to keep her attention on a normal day let alone this day.
As he continued to explain the digestive system in the same monotonous tone he used every day, she allowed her eyes to drift towards the window. Outside it was snowing, just like it had been on this very same day 5 years ago. The day everything changed. The day her life was taken from her.
"Marley!" Someone screamed from outside. She opened her eyes, even though they clearly wanted to stay shut and made her way through the dark of the room towards the window. She smiled when she saw him standing out there in a McKinley sweatshirt and a white wool hat.
Her mom was out of town at some convention that explained safe ways to lose weight or else she would have scolded him for being so obnoxiously loud.
"It's snowing!" He screamed, waving his arm for her to come down. She bit her lip and contemplated the options but they both knew her answer already. She'd do anything to see his smile.
Fighting her better judgment, she held up her pointer finger to tell him to wait a second and turned around to grab a coat and some gloves. Running down the stairs she opened the door and ran through the snow towards the backyard where he was standing before.
He wasn't there anymore.
"Ryder!" She called, but she was met with silence. Biting her lip she considered the option that she had imagined the whole thing but then a giant ball of snow hit her in the back of the head. She gasped and turned around only to see him standing there laughing his ass off. "You're so dead…"
"You wouldn't kill me baby…" He teased as he made his way over to her. As his arms snaked around her, she couldn't help but feel warm and safe, like nothing could happen to them. "Thanks for coming out." He whispered, making goose bumps appear on her skin.
"Why are you out at…" She thought for a second before coming up short. "What time is it?"
He thought for a second before leaning down to kiss her forehead. "It doesn't matter. What matters is you and me."
She chuckled for a second before shaking her head. "Maybe to you but personally I think sleep matters more."
"Take that back." He smirked, pulling away and grabbing her hand. Without notice he started leading her towards the front lawn of her house and towards his car which was parked in the driveway. "Let's go for a drive."
"It's like 4 in the morning though…" She whined, stopping in her tracks and turning to face her house. "Can't we just go back inside and sleep?"
"Two seconds ago you didn't know the time. Now you do?" He questioned, his eyebrows raised teasingly. "Come on. We'll be back in five seconds." She sighed and followed him towards his car. "and then we can sleep… or not sleep."
"Perv." She remarked as she sat down in the passenger's seat and shut the door behind her. He chuckled, sitting down himself and putting the keys into the ignition. "Where exactly do you plan on driving me?"
"It's a surprise…" He whispered, turning towards her long enough to wink at her before starting to drive down the street away from the warm house she had just been in.
"Marley. You coming?" Kitty called, grabbing her best friend's hand and trying to get her to pay attention.
Their relationship started off rocky. Neither of the girls liked the other for obvious reasons. Kitty was jealous of Marley and Marley didn't appreciate Kitty's attitude. Marley couldn't remember now, but somehow they had become best friends and learned to accept the other. To this day, Marley believes that Ryder played a leading role in trying to get Kitty to treat Marley like a decent human being. He never admitted to it though.
"Class is over?" Marley looked around and saw that everybody had left, including the professor. Sighing, she picked up her bag and shoved her laptop into the depth of it, watching as it covered her multitude of pencils.
"You thinking about it again?" Kitty questioned, a sad expression crossing her face. Marley licked her lips and chose to focus on her shoes rather than looking at Kitty.
"How can I not?" Marley whispered, looking up only to take a couple steps towards the door of the classroom. There was still about 2 hours until her next class started and she still hadn't finished her paper. "It's been five years, you know."
"Exactly Mar!" Kitty screeched, following behind as Marley exited the building and started walking across campus towards the library. "You need to forget."
Marley's eyes narrowed and she stopped in her tracks. "Don't tell me to forget about him like he's some paper I lost."
"Come on Mar. You know that's not what I meant."
"Whatever." Marley sighed, choosing not to get into a fight with the blonde today. There was plenty of time for that later. "I have to finish my psych paper. I'll be at the library."
By the time Marley arrived at the library there was only about an hour and a half until her psych class started, which meant only an hour of work. Grabbing her pencil, she thought out exactly what she wanted to say and calculated the time it would take for her to say it. That's the type of person Marley was. It was always that way. The only risks she ever took were calculated and they had a point.
That is, until he came along and changed that.
"You brought me to the school?" She inquired, her eyebrows raised in complete disbelief. Call her crazy, but she was expecting a romantic gesture, like the park or something. Maybe even the movie theatre where they had had their first date. She definitely didn't expect to be dragged to her school this early on a Saturday.
"Yep." He answered simply, ignoring as she turned to glare at him. "Let's go."
"Go? Go where?"
"What did I tell you about asking so many questions?" He asked as he opened her door. She narrowed her eyes at him as he chuckled. "Come on."
He led her across the parking lot and towards the back of the school which overlooked the football field. She gasped as she saw her initials with a heart surrounding them dug into the fallen snow. Within seconds she felt his lips touch the top of her head.
"I swear you have no life." She joked, hugging him sideways as she watched snow fall onto his masterpiece.
"Hey!" He chuckled, picking her up and swinging her around. "You love my lack of life."
"That I do.." She admitted with a smirk on her face. "But why'd you have to do it here? You couldn't have just done this at my house?"
"Where's the fun in that?" He shrugged, putting her on the ground and turning to walk back towards the car. He stopped and a smile spread across his face as an idea made its way to his brain. She frowned knowing that his ideas often got him into trouble like the time he thought it'd be a good idea to steal all of the principle's pens without knowing that there were cameras that had seen his every move.
"Come on Ryder. Let's just go home." She urged, grabbing his hand and leading him towards the car. He chuckled and shook his head.
"Breaking into the school could be fun." He answered, pouting like a little kid.
She shook her head and continued walking towards the car. "So could going to sleep in my bed…"
"I can't imagine sleeping in your bed would be fun." She turned towards him with a little frown on her face. "If you want to have fun in your bed, though, I have a few ideas."
"You are such a perv." She giggled as a blush colored her face red. He smiled and kissed her cheek before turning back to the school.
"Come on. Let's just walk into the school."
"No."
"It'll be fun."
"Getting in trouble isn't fun."
He groaned as they reached his car. "You think too much. You know that?"
"You don't think enough." She answered as she stubbornly sat down in the front seat of his car. "You know that?"
He rolled his eyes a little before turning the car on and turning to face her. "If you never take any risks then your life isn't worth living."
She sighed, knowing exactly where this conversation was going. "But Ryder, you have to realize that every choice you make has consequences."
"You're starting to sound like my mom." He scrunched his eyebrows and shook his head.
"I'm so much hotter than your mom." She giggled out as he nodded his head.
"That's true."
It was quiet for a couple of seconds as they both focused on their own thoughts. It was a comfortable silence that the two of them knew well. They had always been able to sit quietly without ever feeling pressured to have to say anything. Marley loved it. He made her think about things that she never thought about.
After a couple minutes, Ryder turned back towards his girlfriend and licked his lips. "I just want to be remembered."
She turned towards him and saw just how vulnerable he looked right then. With that one sentence, it was as if he had admitted every fear he had. "You will be." She answered, leaning forward to kiss him.
He sighed and started driving back in the direction of her house. She turned to look in his direction and saw that he was smiling about something.
"What?" She asked, making him turn away from the road for a couple of seconds.
"You're great. You know that?"
"I had an idea."
They never made it back to her house. About two minutes into the car ride, the car slid on some black ice and Ryder lost control of the car. Everything after that was a blur.
She woke up in a hospital bed five days later with a pounding headache and flowers surrounding her. Still, the first thought that crossed her mind wasn't if she was going to be ok; it was if Ryder was going to be ok. Finn was the one who told her the devastating news because he was the unlucky guy who just so happened to be in the room at the time.
She broke down and didn't stop crying for days. Her boyfriend was dead and it was all her fault. If she had let him sneak into the school maybe he'd still be here. If she had put her foot down and forced him to stay at her house that night maybe he'd still be here.
No matter how much she thought about it, the only explanation that she could come up with was that it was her fault. It didn't matter that anybody could have driven over that patch of ice. It was her fault that it was Ryder.
"Miss Rose, are you alright?" An old lady asked and Marley recognized her immediately as he psychology teacher. A thought crossed Marley's mind as she stood up and pushed her books to the center of the table.
"Yeah… but I have to go." Brushing her tears away, Marley took off running out of the library and towards her car. She didn't have much time but she knew she could make it before it got dark. She owed it to him.
Sure enough, two hours later she had the car parked and was walking towards a cement block that was sticking out of the ground. It'd been five years but she hadn't visited him once.
Kneeling in front of the stone with his name carved into it, she started to cry. "I miss you, baby… and I miss myself too. When you died, a part of me died too and I'm afraid it as the good part of me."
She sniffled and wiped some of the tears away. "I should have listened to you. I should have let you get in trouble with the school for breaking in. We should have gotten in trouble together because then this wouldn't have happened. And you know what else? We should both be where you are right now. We should both be in heaven because we're always together."
"And I don't deserve to be where I am right now. I got into the college that YOU wanted to go to. I can't… I can't live without you anymore."
She looked around and saw a little boy sitting in front of a tomb stone holding a flower, his mom standing beside him with her hand on his shoulder. She was crying but he didn't appear to have any comprehension of where he was. In the other direction, an old man stood with tears streaming down his face as he rubbed his hands across his loved one's name.
Dying was supposed to be reserved for old people, or at least that's what Marley thought. Ryder was only 17. He was supposed to be finishing college right now, maybe about to head to the NFL or NBA. But instead he was six feet under and Marley was the only one to blame.
"I'm so sorry…" She choked out, holding her head in her hands as she sobbed. Maybe she was being irrational, or maybe she was completely right. Either way, she couldn't get rid of the guilt that controlled her thoughts.
"Marley.." She heard someone breathe out and even though she hadn't heard it in a little over 4 years she knew exactly who it was. "It wasn't your fault."
"I was in the car with him!" She screamed, disturbing the almost sacred silence that had once enveloped the small cemetery.
"You need to forgive yourself and move on." Jake soothed before turning around to walk away and leave her alone. "I did."
"You weren't there."
"But I should have been." He admitted, turning around to face her once again. "I come here every year and tell him things that he should have the opportunity to do and every year I feel sick after it. It's like I'm bragging about my accomplishments but you know what Marley? He's looking down right now and he's proud of us. He wants us to be happy."
"He should be happy." She muttered, her stubbornness striking a nerve with Jake. Ignoring it he nodded sadly and turned to walk back towards the street. He didn't turn back once as she saw him walk into a building across the street from the cemetery.
She turned back towards the slab of stone and ran her hand over his name, smiling a little as she pictured what he would have liked to be on his tombstone, 'chilling with Jesus'. The church would have loved that.
Jake wasn't the first to tell her to move on. She even told herself that moving on was the best option. She couldn't move on, though, because still to this day she could smell him around her. He was intoxicating; he always had been. And even if she wanted to forget, which she didn't because forgetting him was the one thing he didn't want, she couldn't because every day she woke up wearing a sweatshirt that had once belonged to him; the one he was wearing the night of the accident.
She shouldn't wear it. She told herself that every night but it was the only way she knew he would live on in her memory.
And now five years later she was a victim of his wishes. Because they both knew that she'd do anything for him, even if that meant making herself miserable.
"I just want to be remembered." His words sounded through her head as fresh tears clouded her vision.
"I know…" She whispered, nodding her head at the stone as if he was in its place. "And you will be."