Author's Note: This was written right after chapter 198.
Title: White Ash
Author: mujakinotsubasa
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, character death
The cell was white; whiter than any sort of snow, whiter than fresh bandages on his body, whiter than the fabric of Shouichi's uniform.
Door slammed behind his back and Spanner stared at the blinding wall, eyes unconsciously blinking, adjusting to the light. Cold. Quiet. A room just for him. Somehow he felt this was not supposed to be, but it was. A traitor like him deserved a dark, dirty prison, and this was anything but. Stark opposite.
He wondered what made him so special.
Shouichi's eyes bored into his, unblinking and pain flashed in irises then disappeared just as quickly.
"Lock him up."
He did not look at Spanner after that, turning away with a swirl of dark cape and Spanner's vision blurred when rough hands jerked him along white corridors.
The mattress was stiff under his weight, and Spanner leaned against the wall, eyes closing to shield himself from something too pure a color. The candy had long melted in his mouth, but Spanner chewed on the paper stick, mind already drifting off in a reverie.
He managed to escape – that Vongola boy. Good for him. Spanner couldn't care less. The main objective had been completed, and he had already expected this outcome. It was all within his calculations.
Even the pain in Shouichi's expression that he tried to hide so desperately.
"Spanner, I'm still your friend."
A hand rested on Spanner's shoulder and Shouichi smiled at him, then turned away towards the reception room where he were to be promoted.
His shadow started fading away.
It had been a day, or that was what Spanner's biological clock was telling him. There were no windows, and bright white light shone without rest. Food was delivered on a tray, and Spanner picked at it, disliking the cheap Italian seasoning and mind wandering towards his box of ramen in the cupboard.
If he were to be killed, would his things be tossed? Would they be burned along with his corpse, thrown in a dump at a god-knows-where place, or would they be simply destroyed?
Oh his precious bonsai plants, they hadn't grown fully yet…
"You're still an otaku," Shouichi stated flatly, pushing the frame of his glasses up his nose.
"And you're still the same nervous kid," retorted Spanner, sucking on his lollipop and a lazy grin on his lips.
Shouichi pushed him, laughing, their black and white uniforms laid on the side table.
Day two, the door to the cell slid open, Shouichi's shadow fell against the light and Spanner arched an eyebrow, pausing in the middle of arranging the morsels of his meal into geometric shapes. Eyes glanced at Shouichi in curiosity but the other's eyes were hidden behind bangs and glasses.
"You knew you would be caught."
Shouichi's voice was just a little bit high, Spanner noted.
"So I did." Fingers resumed the picking.
"Why?"
A slight tremor.
"He was interesting." A nonchalant shrug.
The tray of food, along with the pretty little shapes Spanner made went flying across his eyes and collided against the wall to his right.
"I was having fun with that." He spoke blankly, dropping his arms and leaning back against the wall.
"IT'S NOT A GAME, SPANNER!" Shouichi screamed, trembling hands taking a hold of the collar of Spanner's overalls and pulling him up.
There was red in Shouichi's eyes and his breaths came out in short, haggard little gasps that he tried to even out without avail, and Spanner stared into red-rimmed eyes where veins emerged from sleepless nights. Shouichi's breath was hot against his face and his eyes were liquid reflecting white lights and Spanner could see the pain, the frustration, the fear, the unresolved tension, the disappointment, and most of all the wounds of betrayal. He said nothing.
There wasn't much of luggage for Spanner to carry, mostly tools and gadgets and only one-fifth of the total weight was everyday necessities. He stepped on the plane alone, just like how he stepped off alone. But this time Shouichi was there, making promises that they would meet again.
"It's a promise." And their pinkies intertwined in an awkward manner. And Shouichi laughed.
A flash in widened eyes and Shouichi shoved him against the wall, nails digging into green fabric and shoulders shaking with anger. Spanner looked back, recovering from the impact and still said nothing, his eyes unchanged and his look unfazed and he still stared at Shouichi, arms limp at his sides.
There was nothing he could say. Nothing he could say that would appease Shouichi – and it wasn't like anything could appease Shouichi anyway, so there was no point to try. He had betrayed, he had turned his back, he was no longer Shouichi's friend. Spanner knew that. He knew the consequences, and he accepted them without remorse.
"Kill me." He whispered almost too softly, his breath ghosted along the air and his voice carried its heavy meaning afloat something so weightless and ephemeral. He watched as Shouichi froze for a briefest moment and the corners of his mouth slacked along with the hold on Spanner's collar. Then it hardened again.
"Kill you?" Shouichi repeated hollowly. "Of course I'll kill you. You're a traitor. You helped the Vongola. You wrecked my plans. You-" And Shouichi's breath hitched as if he were about to cry.
Kill me, end your misery, prove yourself to Byakuran, cut all ties to the traitor, rid yourself of the mental burden, and Spanner's hand silently reached up to wipe away a tear teetering on the edge of Shouichi's eyelid.
"Just do it." His voice was a bit louder now, with a hint more resolute, a pinch more resigned, and devoid of any regrets. "I'm not denying anything. What you know is the truth. And it's the rules, isn't it?"
Byakuran flashed into his mind and Spanner felt himself recoil at the sensation. Akin to disgust. Akin to hate. But Spanner didn't hate. It wasn't his style. He just… disliked. And he disliked it even more when Shouichi bent to the man's every whim like a tamed little puppy.
Then Shouichi's lips crashed against his, salty, quivering and teeth ground down on his own and Spanner's eyes widened in surprise. He pushed against Shouichi's shoulders and the other shrugged it away sharply, body still shaking and chapped, dry lips moved harshly against his and Spanner did nothing but took it in. Why did you do it? It pleaded. I thought you were my friend. The salt seeped into his mouth and Spanner tasted bitter.
Their first time had been awkward, clumsy, for they knew nothing about sex. It was all an experiment – they told themselves. It was convenient, for they were both curious. They were both teenagers. They were both socially inept. There were no better partners.
It was all just a whim – they told themselves. The heat and the passion were to be explained with simple logic, simple knowledge of the human body. There was nothing between them. They were friends, and that was it.
Nothing more.
It had been so long. Too long. So long ago that he didn't remember the last time he felt Shouichi's lips. His heart did a little twist and he felt his breath get sucked away in a sudden onslaught of memories too painful to remember.
Shouichi's nails tore through the fabric of his jumpsuit, thin, frail fingers fumbling in haste and fever and Spanner could hear the zipper break, snapping from socket and he couldn't care less. His eyes were open, open to look at Shouichi's flushed face, contorted with pain and confusion and a sick color of broken dolls. His lips were still, static against Shouichi's clumsy kisses and his body rigid under Shouichi's hold and Spanner forbade himself from ever responding.
Blood trickled a red, warm trail down his chin and Spanner felt the dull ache where Shouichi's canine tooth broke his lower lip. Shouichi breathed something against his mouth and Spanner could hardly make out the words for it was muffled in a tangle of lips and teeth.
Tell me, Spanner. Tell me you're still my friend. Tell me it was all a dream. Wake me up. I don't want to feel I don't want to see and I want you back and-
"We can't go back, Shouichi."
Thin arms pushed Shouichi away and the other looked back at him with pain painted black on pale features. He was breaking, shattering, crumbling, his heart dead, unmoving, his emotions shut close and white stretched before his eyes.
The hold slacked and Shouichi's arms fell against his sides; his head hung, bangs falling and masking dark emotions and Shouichi's body shook just a little bit more. Spanner leaned back against the wall, feeling his body suddenly lead heavy and his heart almost falling inside chest cavity. There was no going back.
A click and Spanner looked up into the dark barrel of a gun pointed at his head. Shouichi's finger twitched on the trigger and Spanner closed his eyes. Darkness replaced the white and his body would be free. His mind would be free. All ties would be severed and Shouichi would go back to Byakuran with another mission accomplished, and all would be well.
Spanner held his silver medal and offered a hand for Shouichi to shake. The other looked at him nervously, expecting rebukes and insults for snatching first place, but Spanner just smiled, lollipop twisting on his tongue.
"Congratulations."
The gunshot never came.
"Go."
Metal made scratching noises against the floor and Spanner opened his eyes to see the same gun now laid at his feet.
"Leave." Shouichi trembled. "And never let me see you again."
Nails dug into the calloused skin of his palm and Spanner felt a corner of his eyes burn. Why? Why was Shouichi being soft when the situation demanded otherwise? He was doing it wrong. Spanner could never understand. He could never fathom why Shouichi did the things he did. But that was probably because Spanner was never a match to Shouichi when it came to intellect.
But this wasn't intelligent, just pure stupidity.
"No." He answered, tone dead and final. "Kill me." The gun was tossed back towards Shouichi and the red head looked like he had just been slapped. Face red and eyes quivering and lips still swollen from bitter kisses and a single tear rolled along pale cheek.
"No, no." Shouichi whispered, eyes screwing shut and hands balling into fists and more crystal clear drops fell on the pristine floor. "I can't. I can't." He breathed in between choked sobs that he tried so hard to keep inside but they spilled past gritted teeth. "JUST GO!!"
Then the door to the cell slid open again noiselessly and Spanner could only see a blur of white before feeling the dull shock of bullet piercing his chest.
It hurt. It hurt so much that Spanner's senses died, then he couldn't feel anymore. He slumped against the wall, visions disappearing and there were Shouichi's screams in his dead eardrums and Shouichi's hands harsh on him and vibrations traveled his body as his blood streamed, staining green and dying the color a dead, cold brown.
Byakuran's laugh came into focus amidst white noise and Shouichi's fading voice and Spanner felt his consciousness slip away, leaving behind the blinding room and his only friend and memories that could only burn into ashes.
A short, red-haired little boy bumped into him during the opening ceremony and Spanner wondered if he was in elementary school. He apologized profusely, bowing so deeply that his back made a perfect right angle with his hips and Spanner found himself chuckling.
"Spanner." He offered a hand.
The kid looked up at him and after a minute, took his hand with hesitance and his smile lopsided.
"Irie Shouichi."