Cold air steamed in the air between them. Beneath his thighs, Shin could feel the freezing burn of winter-chilled metal: the merry-go-round they sat on as they'd done countless times before. Snow covered the world around them in white, pure and perfect, marred only by their footsteps, and shining a pearly grey as dawn broke over the edges of the Tokyo's skyline behind them.
Beside him, Shin could feel Sena shaking, hear the slosh of liquid against the inside of the neoprene bottle he rolled back and forth between his palms. With a start, Sena held it out, eyes glued to the ground at his feet. Gradually, feeling more awkward than he'd ever felt, Shin took the bottle back, careful to keep his hand from brushing the other boy's in any way.
"What did you want, Eyeshield?" Shin finally managed to force past lips that felt numb. Logically, it should be on account of the cold, but he had a feeling it wasn't. At all. Especially when Sena Kobayakawa flinched away at the admittedly harsh sounding words.
"I-I d-don't w-want anything sp-specific, I guess. I j-just… I w-wanted t-to t-t-tell you," was Sena's stammering reply, fingers, now free from the bottle, twisting and wringing together in his lap.
Shin had never done pity. Disappointment, yes. But not pity. He wouldn't disrespect Sena's feelings now by having pity this time. But how to reply? How to fix this sudden gaping wound that was building- no, tearing between them.
"I've never wanted those kinds of feelings. From anyone. I don't have them, never felt them necessary to beginwith," Shin attempted to explain. He leaned forward, forearms resting on his knees. He couldn't turn. He couldn't see whatever face was currently twisting up Sena's all too expressive features. He didn't want to see it, and then forget it, like it didn't matter because he'd turned away and could no longer see. He hadn't really told anyone about his condition, but for once, in his life, it was a boon. A crutch he could lean on.
Because the idea of seeing Sena in a pain Shin didn't understand was too much to bear.
Injuries on the field– tackles that left behind bruises, falls that made bloody scrapes, pushing physical limits that had muscles and ligaments straining; those things Shin could understand.
But this was different. So different. In the depths of his mind, Shin knew whatever he said next– he'd be disappointing Sena for the first time since they'd met.
"I don't have those feelings for you, Sena. Or for anyone else, male or female, if that… if that helps in any way," Shin stated, voice soft if unshaking.
A blurted out laugh- small twisted broken parody of the laugh Shin had come to know so well- slipped past Sena's lips.
"No, it's okay. I kinda thought- I mean, I never noticed… but I thought I should try," Sena words jerked out of him, unsteady and a little too high-pitched.
Silence fell again and Shin felt… scared. He felt scared to look up. Too scared to meet the disappointment, the shame, that colored Sena's words.
"You're… you're one of the most important people in my life, Sena," Shin murmured, hands clenched into fists. "You're my friend. Will this… will my answer-"
"NO, oh God no, Shin-san!" Sena exclaimed. His hands fell over Shin's. Bright white gloves, his name stitched neatly onto the backs by his mother in bright ruby thread. He'd always been more tactile than Shin, but also shyer. Comforting, however, always brought out that need for touch.
Finally, Shin raised his eyes. It took a supreme amount of willpower, which fortunately the linebacker had in spades, not to flinch. In his desire to help Shin, Sena forgot about the tears at the corners of his eyes, his wobbling words firmed even as his lips still trembled into a weak, reassuring smile.
"How I feel- I will always see you as my friend. As my greatest rival. You will always be someone I look up to. I like you Shin, but I like you without romantic strings attached, too. If you… If you're okay, then me… me, too," Sena said… and he said it so bravely. Sena was not only the fastest man Shin had ever met, he was also the strongest.
Shin wished he could feel the same, could return those feelings, but it was only relief that unclenched the tension in his chest and shoulders at Sena's promise. Relief that he wouldn't lose what Sena had given him already, what he was willing to accept and return. Shin was a selfish man, apparently. A selfish guilty man.
"I will always feel that way, too. As for anything more, I-I'm so-" Shin tried, voice and expression pained.
But Sena cut him off, getting to his feet and glaring, fists clenching. "Don't. Just don't say you're sorry. It's okay. I don't need that. I… I'm going to go first. If that's okay?" Sena asked, the trembling now outright shaking as his darkened eyes fell away.
"Yes, of course," Shin said, getting to his own feet and standing- awkward and hands hanging empty at his sides. "Your journey… to America. Take care."
Sena nodded, lips rolled tightly together. "I'll s-see you when I get back," he whispered. And then he ran.
Shin watched him go and wished it were the field, when the instinct to chase would take him. But he merely stood in place as snow fell.