Hold
.
you better shut your mouth and hold your breath
and kiss me now and catch your death .
.
She's got a tight grip on your hand.
You swallow and look up at the ceiling, praying to someone, if anyone out there, if the God you've lost faith in is really there, to help her.
She doesn't deserve this.
You do.
But she doesn't.
.
She's not going to make it and you know it and she knows it but you don't say anything.
You just look at each other.
You try not to cry.
It's your fault.
She knows this.
But she will never say it out loud because she loves that you finally look at her, even if it had to be like this.
And you feel like the biggest asshole in the world.
Because you are.
.
The waiting room is cold as hell.
Everyone's looking downward.
There's a television.
No one watches it.
Some sitcom is on.
About a girl and guy finally getting together after a while of liking each other, mind you.
You fuck this and walk out.
.
"You never loved me, did you?"
You should lie. You should tell her you never did.
But you only shake your head once.
"I still do."
She closes her eyes and she whispers it again.
You don't say it back.
You hang on to the words, though.
.
It was always you and you know it.
You always knew it but you let her go and believe differently.
.
You shouldn't be drinking like this.
.
This is what caused her to be so weak.
.
A life for a life, God.
This is what you promise.
You're drunk, you don't know what you're doing.
.
A faint buzzing sound comes from your pocket.
A voicemail is left.
You ignore it.
You're driving too fast.
.
You close your eyes as the buzzing sound is felt again.
You shouldn't close your eyes on the road.
Stop it, please.
Open your eyes.
.
It's her.
It's her voice you hear telling you to stop and that this is wrong but you don't care.
You whisper out the words she's so longed to hear and then it's silent.
"A life for a life."
.
She's suddenly going to make it.
She can't find you.
No one can.
She swallows the lump in her throat.
She knows what you did.
Did you think this would make everything better?
It doesn't.
Not for her.
.
God, she misses you.
.
Sitting in the middle of a field of flowers and thinking about you.
How cliché.
.
"It's not worth living a life without him."
"You've got me."
"You're not him."
"What about everyone else, Quinn? The people who care about you?"
She stays silent and looks at the wall.
"He cared about me."
Sam grinds his teeth.
"Obviously not enough to stay alive for you."
She slaps him.
.
Are you watching over her?
Are you even listening to her cry to you at night?
She likes to think you do.
.
She loves you so fucking much, Noah.
You're gone and even now she thinks about you obsessively.
She misses you.
.
The loneliness makes her feel part of something.
Glee club can't be around her anymore.
Glee club isn't Glee club anymore.
Not without you.
It's bittersweet.
.
Was she really worth your life?
.
She can't live without you.
If she had been the one to die…
.
She saw Beth today.
At the store.
She burst into tears and cried for you.
They had to take her out of the store.
But not before Beth met her eyes.
Her eyes.
Your warmth.
.
She still talks to you.
As if you're there.
You're dead.
Why can't she get that through her head?
.
Why would you kill yourself?
.
Her thoughts are so fucked up.
.
Rachel approached her today.
"You've got us."
She blinked at her, not knowing what to say.
"It may not seem like it, Quinn, but we all want you back. We all just don't know what to say for fear of saying the wrong thing."
Wrong thing to say.
.
No, it was right.
.
She dreamed about you last night.
You told her to be happy.
Was it you?
Or was it the memory of you?
.
She's going to try it.
.
Five months fly by and she's smiling again.
She doesn't forget you.
Or what you did.
A life for a life.
.
A year and she's visiting your grave.
It's raining, stereotypically.
You've put her through so much.
Even when dead.
She drops a small flower on your tombstone.
She smiles weakly.
She doesn't cry, though.
"I get it now."
She says this, whispers it.
It carries with the wind.
.
You knew she would get it, didn't you?
.
A life for a life.
Not a life to be wasted but one to be gained.
She's living for you.
.
You're happy that she's happy.
And she's happy that she's happy.
.
But in her room, underneath her bed lies a note you left.
That night.
She's been afraid to open it.
But she thinks it's time.
.
She holds it in her hands and cries herself to sleep.
.
"I love you."
.
Simple three words. That's it.
No explanation.
.
But that's all she really needed to know all this time.
.
She'll never find anyone else, she knows it.
But your memory and your love pulls her through.
.
She had a tight grip on your hand that night.
And now you have a tight grip on her heart.
.
oh i need the darkness, the sweetness,
the sadness, the weakness,
oh i need this .
.