This Fic is dedicated to Costi because she is so amazing and it's her video that inspired me to write this. You must all check it out (I'll put the link on my profile page). Fully inspired by her video and somewhat loosely based on it. Please enjoy!
It hurts, it really does. The fact that her silent opinions matter so much. She hasn't said anything to him about EJ but he knows how she feels about her, she doesn't like her, she can't really stand her. And it's not the fact that she's jealous of her, he doesn't really know if she is, his eyes and his heart tell him she is but his brain tells him that that's not the case. She doesn't care that much about him. But maybe he's wrong.
She doesn't like EJ because there's a certain vibe Ziva has seemed to pick up on. He doesn't know if he should be worried or not because he's been oblivious to it and her ninja senses are better than anything. Maybe EJ isn't all who she seems to be, but at the moment he doesn't see anything hinky with whom she is. The main reason it hurts so much to what Ziva thinks is, well because Ziva means a lot to him and anything she thought -he hopes she doesn't know- but it all affects him.
He doesn't know how to describe his partnership with Ziva but it is different to say the least. He never could put a word to it, they are co-workers but they are friends, they are friends but they are closer friends than the normal, they are close but they argue, they argue but they get jealous, they get jealous but they don't do anything about it, they don't do anything but they want to. It's hard to define something so important.
They waste so much time, they never do anything about what they feel and truly want. And it's not just her fault, he knows he's just as much to blame for the fact they never do anything. He procrastinates, try's to pass by these emotions like a ship in the night, because he shouldn't feel them. He shouldn't be in love with his partner.
This morning his morning was great. He didn't wake up alone, he woke with a beautiful woman in his arms, EJ. He hasn't had a relationship that lasts longer than the time span of a box of cereal in a long time, and he's sort of missed having someone there to have around, to hold. He'll never admit it to anyone but he loves comfort, he loves to touch and to feel the presence of someone close and just there, with him.
EJ was giving him some of that comfort that he's been missing. But he can't help but feel that niggling feeling that she's just like everyone else, just not right. There is just something missing. Maybe it's the fact she has blonde hair and not brunette, because he's always honestly preferred brunettes. But he knows in a woman hair doesn't really matter, it's just the right woman would have dark hair.
Maybe she's not feisty enough, maybe she's not deadly enough that he knows she can't kill him with a paperclip, because even though it scares the hell out of him, he secretly loves the way a woman can get under his skin like that. He knows one woman who can but he won't bring that up right now.
Maybe her smiles not right, she's not exotic enough. She can't speak to him in ten different languages just to irritate him because he doesn't really know what she's saying. Maybe it's the fact her body doesn't feel right against his like it's meant to with the one you truly love, and maybe there's a bit too much of his male side speaking when he thinks that she doesn't have the ass he knows he loves in a woman. Because he is an ass man after all.
But yet he still holds on to EJ, not because he thinks she's the one, he knows she's not, but he needs something in his life. He's tired of being alone and for now, she's the one helping him not be alone. Hey, he might never let go if he can't be graced with the one who's right for him. He's not getting any younger these days and he just doesn't have the time or youth to go bar hopping for one night stands all the time. That's not him anymore. He's changed.
The elevator dings and that signal's his stop, the doors open on his floor and he walks out. He knows he probably has a certain step to the way he walks this morning because last night was a good night, and even though he's changed, he's never going to outgrow sex. He greets McGee and Ziva with a certain cheer in his voice and they don't have to ask to know why he's so cheerful, they know he's with EJ.
As he puts his things in their draws and takes his seat he can feel Ziva's eyes heavy on him. He try's to ignore them, try's to forget that whatever she was thinking right now that had her staring at him like that means more than it should to him. But in the end he had to give in to her, he lifted his head and immediately locked eyes with her. He doesn't know why he stopped himself from looking at her like this when he first walked in, when she looked at him like this, it was a strange feeling that had his heart beating to a new drum.
"You had a good night, yes?" she stated, a smile gracing her features. He felt as though the smile was slightly forced, she wasn't really happy that he had a good night last night. But she was trying to make herself believe she was happy for him.
"As a matter of fact, yes, yes it was" he replied, a smile on his own lips. He was happy about last night but the way she was looking at him, he felt slightly guilty. He shouldn't be guilty about anything, she has her Ray of Sunshine after all.
"That is good, you look happy" she stated. He was happy, but not happy enough. He just smiled at her and gave a little shrug.
"I guess" he replied. She watched him, she knew there was something he wasn't telling her. Maybe he wasn't as happy as he seemed with EJ. There was something that bugged her about EJ but she wasn't sure what it really was, maybe he was starting to feel that too. But before she could reply with a question Gibbs blew into the bullpen and ordered them to 'grab their gear'. This conversation will have to happen later.
And as always the conversation, it was forgotten and they go back to the happy, back and forth banter and smiles. Like there wasn't a heavy shadow over them, that they weren't jealous of each other. But it was easier this way, just not to think about it.
"Falafel for my Zee-vah" Tony states as he places her lunch on her desk in front of her. The smile she sends him back is real, much more real than the one she gave him this morning. He wheels his chair over, taking a seat at the side of her desk, much closer than if he was opposite her. Much closer than he should but they've never had a problem with personal space.
"When did I get so lucky?" she replies, opening her lunch to find it just how she loves it. And she ignored the fact he called her his Ziva, and he's glad she did because he hadn't meant to, it had just slipped out.
"You're always lucky" he replied, smiling brightly at her when she laughed softly. He loved her laugh, it was perfect.
"I would not say that" she smiled, taking a bite of her lunch.
"Hey, I always get you lunch" he replied, loving the way she was looking at him right now, smiling at him. She reached over and grabbed herself a couple of his fries.
"When I ask" she stated, giving him a cheeky smile as she ate his fries. He pointed at her.
"You didn't ask for that, those weremy fries. And you're lucky I let you have them" he said. She chuckled. Reaching over and grabbing some more of his fries. He grinned, he reached out and grabbed her wrist as it hovered over his lunch. She raised an eyebrow at him.
"If you don't let go, I will not stop myself from breaking your wrist" she said. He knew she was joking, the light in her eyes never lied. He leant in closer, his face right by hers.
"Sweetheart, if you were going to break my wrist I would already be on the floor crying. And anyways" he leant in a little closer, he could feel her breath on his face "You were the one stealing my food when I brought you your own" he stated, smiling down at her. The fact that she hadn't pulled her hand out of his grip -which she would be able to do no problem- had him smiling even more. And she smiled right back. He slowly let her hand go and leant back a bit, not as much as before.
"You can have it back" she stated, lifting her hand that had a few of his fries in, and brought it in front of his mouth. Was she about to feed him his own food? She was grinning at him right now and she raised an eyebrow, wondering if he would go as far as to let her feed him. Why would he ever give up that opportunity?
He leant in and watched her carefully with a big smile. When he got close he didn't even break eye contact with her, he let her feed him. He didn't mean to when his lips slightly grazed her finger, but all of a sudden his heart was pounding harder than ever and he couldn't help it. She hardly leant back when he'd gotten his fries back, she was still in his personal space.
"Better?" she asked. He nodded, laughing softly, trying to slow his heart rate down.
"Yeah. Do I get to feed you now?" he asked, seeing if she would play along. She chuckled and was going to answer him -he was sure she was going to say yes- she was very playful right now and that was a really good thing, but they were interrupted. EJ had walked into the bullpen.
"Hey guys" she had announced and Tony and Ziva had abruptly pulled back, they shouldn't have been that close, not with Tony's girlfriend right there, honestly they shouldn't be that close anyways. EJ didn't work in this building anymore so there was only one reason why she was here. For Tony.
"Hey EJ, what are you doing here?" he asked, screwing his brow in confusion. Had she said she was coming? His eyes quickly flickered over to Ziva and he saw her backing her chair away from his, a small frown on her face now. And he had seen her little eye roll at the presence of EJ. He hated how much she didn't like EJ, it pained his heart to know it.
"I sent you a text, but you might not have got it. I wondered if you wanted lunch, but it looks like I was a bit late" she stated pointing at he and Ziva's lunch on her desk, smiling slightly. But Tony knew she wasn't saying something. Maybe she'd seen more than he had wanted her to?
"Sorry, we've been busy all day. We're lucky Gibbs even gave us a lunch break" he stated, standing from his chair and wiping his hands on a napkin. He smiled at Ziva, letting her know he'll be back. He knew she saw it but she didn't pay much attention, he knew she was happy five minutes ago and now, she wasn't so much.
He walked EJ around behind the stairs where they could talk in private. He knows Ziva won't want to hear him talking to her.
"Did you still want to get lunch?" he asked. She shook her head.
"No, it's ok. You're busy and you're on a case. We can do something later" she replied, she placed her hand on his shoulder in an assurance. He could tell something was bugging her right now.
"Are you sure?" he asked again. She nodded.
"Yes, you can just go back to your lunch with Ziva" she replied. There was something in the way she said that that had him knowing exactly what was up now. She was jealous.
"Hey, what's up?" he asked slightly softly. Would she admit to him that she was jealous of Ziva?
"Nothing" she replied. He reached out and placed his hand on her arm.
"You can tell me EJ" he said. She sighed and avoided eye contact with him.
"I'm worried" she announced.
"What about?" he asked.
"You and Ziva" she stated. Why was she worried about them? What had she seen? What was it she thought?
"What about us?" he asked, giving her arm a gentle squeeze so she would look at him. And she did.
"You don't think that I don't see the way you look at her? That smile you give her and no one else?" EJ asked. She wasn't mad or angry at him, she was disappointed, she wanted that to be her.
"She's just my partner EJ, there's nothing between us" Tony stated. Was that really true? He couldn't really believe his own words.
"Don't lie to me Tony" EJ said quietly. She was staring at him, in the way where she wanted information from him. And he couldn't help but thinking that the way she did it was so different to the way Ziva did.
"I care for her, I admit that. But there's nothing going on between us, she has a boyfriend and I have you. We've never been like that" he said. Yes, they have never been like that because they wasted that time. But god, he wanted that, he'd always wanted Ziva but never had her. EJ just nodded.
"Sorry, I shouldn't have thought anything" EJ admitted. Tony thought that maybe she should, because his feelings for Ziva, as much as he didn't want to admit it, would always be stronger than his feelings for her. He hated himself for being like that.
"It's ok. Dinner tonight?" he asked, sending her a smile.
"Ok, I would like that" EJ replied. And was it bad to say that Tony was more excited about the way his lips grazed Ziva's fingers before compared to the small kiss that EJ gave him goodbye? His problems were worse than he thought.
When he got back to the bullpen Ziva was quietly sitting there on her computer, every now and then she picked at her lunch. He walked up to the front of her desk, staring down at her. He knew she could only avoid his gaze for so long. And when she looked up, he felt guilty. She had been so happy before. He reached out, going to tuck the loose strand of hair hanging in front of her face behind her ear. He didn't get so far. She grabbed his wrist before he got there. Her eyes were upset and her grip on him was almost at the point that it hurt.
"Please Tony, just don't" she pleaded quietly. He knows what she means, they shouldn't be so freely intimate. He shouldn't touch her like this because neither of them should be doing it. And she'd only realized this when EJ had walked in on them before. She let go of his hand and he held onto it, rubbing it a little.
He didn't answer her he just nodded quietly. Now his nice happy day had turned upside down. His gaze broke from hers and he picked up his lunch and wheeled his chair back to his desk. He tipped his lunch out, all of a sudden he wasn't hungry, he just felt really down, upset. He dropped down into his chair and looked across at her. She was staring at him, with something in her eyes he couldn't be sure of. Regret maybe? Heartache? Sadness?
Then she excused herself and quietly walked off. He knew she was only leaving because she couldn't take the weight of his gaze on her like that, not when it was so heavy. He sighed and buried his hands in his hair. How does the mood between them become so erratic? First she was jealous, then she was happy and laughing because of him and now, now she was upset looking, disappointed. Why did they have to be like this?
Why did they have to be like ships in the night, passing by every opportunity they had to do something, wasting so much time? Because they're not meant to be in love, they're not meant to have these feelings.
You all must watch the video link on my profile and her other videos, I highly recommend doing so, she is my absolute favourite person on YouTube and she should be making movies. She's such an inspiration to my writing. So go check her out! Like right now! :)
I hope some of you like this story so far, I shall have the next chapter up soon!
Hundan.