Everyone is always looking for happiness and they seem to get it at the drop of a hat, while I'm desperately clinging onto every little hope of being truly happy. I'm selfish for feeling depressed because compared to other people, my life is a dream. I feel guilty and ashamed because of my selfishness and this makes me feel even more depressed. It's a never ending circle of feelings that will always have the same result. I coop it all up because I am unable to let anyone know just how low I feel. I am emotionally handicapped. I keep everything to myself, unable to cry even if I wanted to until I finally blow, usually at the worst timings too. The tears flow involuntarily and I can't stop them until I'm completely dried out, and then I will stand/lie there motionless until I get a grip. I can't show people my true feelings no matter how hard I try.
At home and college, to everyone else, I am happy. I am a top student according to my main lecturer, a bubbly best friend, I am always smiling.
I used to smoke because a cigarette was good with a drink. Now I just generally like to smoke for the hell of it why not, I'm the least healthy person ever. But these days if I don't have a smoke I will be very angry, it's as if smoking a cigarette releases my pent up aggressive energy. I don't understand why I am so angry for. Maybe it's because things rarely go the way I hope they do. Maybe its certain problems I have with dealing with trouble. I would prefer to twat someone who is getting on my nerves, but we all know where that gets me... I will look at my friends and see them happy and I'm not a jealous person at all, I am happy for my mates, and they deserve their happiness. However I get pissed off at myself for feeling resent towards them, towards my own friends, because they have relationships, are skinny or pretty or able to do things I can only dream of. I resent myself for it. What am I exactly supposed to do? Coop it all up inside of me and hope for it to go away? Pray that ill just wake up one day and it will all be gone? Tell someone how I really feel? I can't do that. That is why I'm writing exactly how I feel in this document. If you feel like I am dramatising, if you feel I am attention seeking, if you feel I am being pathetic, or maybe you think I am reeling off a load of bullshit, then please do not tell me, I would rather not know. All I will have to say to you is to try being me, try being in my mind and see how it is truly like to be me. This may be corny, yet it speaks thorough truth. "Try walking in my shoes, you'll stumble in my footsteps..." by Depeche Mode. You will stumble for sure, as I can't even escape to stumble and they are my own steps...