He waved his wand and cast his horrid spell. "Alakazam!" shouted the fiend. Moments later, the wand's laser fire hit Po right in the power source.
"Oh snap, my awesome power source!" shouted Po as he inspected his ailment.
The rabbit sorcerer laughed. "The hex I've placed upon you will now destroy your willpower, Panda! Prepare to lose all of your semblance as the Dragon Warrior.
Po shot the dark magician an angry glare. "My zeal shan't ever be vanquished!" he roared and then he bolted towards the rabbit with deadly speed. He delivered a spine-crushing jab that knocked the wand to the ground. As Po ran to retrieve it, Mantis appeared out of nowhere and snatched it.
"Yo, Po! This stick is mine now!" said Mantis.
"Mantis! That is a sacred and powerful object!" screamed Po. He then let loose a storm. Thunder crackled from his pandemonium. "Holy barbecue curly fries…" he said in awe.
Mantis was scared of Po's incoming transmission. He smacked the panda with his ethically divine judgment, using the magic wand as a battle weapon.
Po caught the wand in between his top right canine and his backmost bottom-left molar. "Death to the evil one…" he said with charisma that spanned the ages. He then chopped Mantis in two.
"My stinking abs!" cried Mantis as he examined his severed butt.
"I did that because I am the correct person!" said Po. He then bounded on his batoot to a new China location. This one had a dumpling factory. Po procured all of the dumplings and replaced them with a fiery candle.
"Po why you do dis?" asked Mr. Ping, president of the dumpling ecosystem.
"Because Dad, I am hot!" said Po as he used his impressive rear to flatten the entire factory as if he was a steamroller of awesomeness.
"Good heavens!" cried Mr. Ping.
Master Shifu and the Furious Five arrived on the spot and gasped at Po's tenacious evildoing. "Panda! Halt your butt-crushing!" said Shifu.
"No!" shouted Po and then he split an atom and caused an explosion that blew up the entire planet.
Shifu did a simple flip as the Furious Five floated through space in their furious spacesuits. Shifu forgot his spacesuit and now he had to hold his breath. It was a good thing Shifu trained his lungs to never breath.
Po descended with his Nunchucks of Death. "I am the Dragon Warrior and my rear is AWESOME!"
Shifu growled and then took out twin beam katana. "I challenge you to a duel!"
"Nay! I am philosophical!" said Po with rage as he spoke of the cosmos, entropy, the catacombs of humanity's limited psyche, and other things Homer and Socrates would be so stinkin' proud of.
Shifu took in the wisdom like a can of fresh garbanzo beans. He relished the flavour, but knew Po was on the wrong path towards evil. He had to channel Oogway's masterful spirit powers in order to defeat Po's unholy reign of terror.
Po then kicked a meteor and it hit Shifu and then Shifu exploded into seventeen separate pieces. The Furious Five arrived and then put their master back together with Flex Seal and restored his soul.
"I am so stinking hot, that even Chris Hemsworth wishes he was me!" Po laughed as he grew a beard that seized the Furious Five like anchovies amongst the flames.
Shifu got his nose into the game and blasted dragon blood from it that transformed into a beast that devoured the nuclei of deceased suns.
"Awesome, but I'm awesomer!" said Po and then he enraged his own tuchus to bring forth the great spirits of the ancients. One of the ancients was the Metal Overlord of the Duck Dynasty.
Mr. Ping saw the savagery from his spaceship and wept. "Oh no, my Po is going to be a dangerous man when he grows up!"
"Any last words, Master Shifu?" taunted Po and his cheeks got deadlier with each passing second.
"Yes," said Shifu and he tilt his baseball cap sideways. "I'mma challenge ya'll sorry self to a rap battle!"
And so, they began the malicious travesty of busting rhymes and breaking hearts.
Tigress was awed by how slick Shifu's verses were. It was as if Atlas had relinquished the world to Shifu and he so totally dominated every corner of it like the menacing hip-hop warlord he was.
But Viper thought about how good Po's flingmakers looked when he shook them with each solid syllable of death. Po was both attractive and deadly. He was deadly attractive, like Chris Hemsworth, but still better.
"Shifu! You are a losing individual!" roared Po and then he shot a cannon ball out of his mouth like Bowser Jr. Kirby.
Shifu was impaled by the sphere of iron and was defeated.
Po laughed. "Now all Dragon Warriors are gonna be me!" He then inhaled Shifu's sagely essence and became a deity. He then flew into the sun and exploded it, causing a new ice age.
Manny, Diego, and Sid arose from the dark caves in which they resided. They saw Po's awesome butt and worshipped it until the end of time.
FIN