I just had to do a Christmas Fanfic. Totally random.
Disclaimer: I don't own Halo. Not even a copy of the game. I don't own the awesomeness that is Red vs Blue. Rooster Teeth Rules!
"Hi, my name is Dexter Grif," Grif intoned with a bored tone. "As our previous Christmas PSA was rudely and unnecessarily interrupted," while Grif is saying the muffled yells of Doc can be heard coming from the closet, "The Red Team and the Blue Team have each made a video to show our Christmas spirit. So sit down, shut up, and don't complain." The faint yell of "Christmas can be offensive" from Doc can be made out as the screen fades to black before the first video begins.
The Blue Team's Video
The video begins by showing the inside of Blue Base. Church is lying on his bed next to Tex and in another room Caboose is curled up asleep on his bed. "Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house," Church recited while the camera continues to move through Blue Base. "Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse." "I like mice," Caboose said loudly and the camera turns around to face him again. "Caboose! What did I tell you," Church yelled. "Oh, right. Nap time," Caboose said sheepishly before curling up and going back to sleep. "Anyway," Church continued, "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Nicolas soon would be there." The camera focuses on the socks hung in the center of the base. "The children were nestled, all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads." The camera swung around and zoomed in on Caboose as he opened his eyes again. "Church? What's a sugar plum?" "Oh my god," Church exclaimed exasperated, "Caboose, I swear I'm going to kill you." Caboose hid under his covers and Church continued his narration. "And mom in her kerchief and I in my cap," the camera turned to show Tex with a cleaning rag tied like a bandanna around her head while Church wore a ball cap, "Had just settled down for a long winter's nap."
"And out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I," Church trailed off as gun shots and the music from the Warthog could be heard approaching the base. Church ran to the door and looked out to see Sarge, Simmons, and Grif ridding in the Warthog towards him. "Oh, come on," he shouted, "We're tryin' to make the Christmas video here!" "Oh, that was today," Simmons asked, "My bad. We really need to work on our scheduling issues." "Yur still gonna help us with ours, right," Sarge asked. "Yeah, if you guys beat it." The Red Team head back to their base and the camera settles on Church. "Hey, should I go ahead and head up to the roof," Tucker's voice asks from behind the camera. "Yeah, sure," Church says nodding, "Just give the camera to Tex." The video bounces around before settling on Church again. "All set," he asks and the camera bounces up and down. "Good. Now where was I?"
"Ah screw it," Church mutters and heads for the center of the base, "Tucker, go ahead and start with the reindeer." "Ok," Tucker says from the roof and he says, "On Runner, on Pole Dancer, on Playboy and Mixin', on Meteor, on Love Dude, on Danger and Blizzard. Up the walls and dash away all." "Dude that sucked," Church commented. "Yeah, well screw you," Tucker replied. "Just get down here before the camera runs out of film. Tucker jumps down dressed in a Santa suit. "Hey, babe. You wanna sit on Santa's lap? Bow Chicka Bow Wow," he says grinning. "Up yours," Tex replies from behind the camera. "Just put the stuff in the socks so we can get this over with," Church complained. Tucker began pulling things out of his bag. He stuffed Playboy magazines and Church's sniper riffle into his sock and then threw the rest of the stuff on the ground. "Hey," Church complained and he chased Tucker out of the base.
The video goes black for a few moments before showing all of Blue Team in front of their base. "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night," They all shout, except Caboose who shouts, "Merry Saint Patrick Steward Year!"
The Red Team's Video
The video shudders and bounces while Simmons complains. "Why do I have to be Scrooge?" "Cause you didn't say 'not it' fast enough," Sarge explains as he walks from the room. The camera stops and focuses on Simmons as he sighs and begins the skit. "Hi. I'm Scrooge and I hate Christmas. Bah humbug." "Come on, Simmons," Donut says from the other room, "Try to say it with more feeling." "Yeah, whatever," Simmons says, rolling his eyes. Sarge re-enters the room wearing chains and a white sheet. "Scrooge," he says eerily, "I am the ghost of your old partner Marley." "Oh, I am so scared," Simmons says in a monotone voice. "Act like it or this shotgun will go off at your head," Sarge threatened, waving his signature shotgun at Simmons. "Yes, sir," Simmons says, paling considerably. "Right," Sarge says, putting his shotgun away, "I've come to give you a warning." "Yes sir! What is it, sir," Simmons says shaking. "If you don't change your ways, you will end up like me. Trapped in the mortal realm, forced to carry these heavy chains." "But sir," Simmons protested before Sarge cut him off. "Three ghosts will appear before you tonight to make you like Christmas." Sarge waves his arms menacingly at Simmons before leaving.
A gong sounds and Donut comes into the room wearing what suspiciously looks like a dress. "I am the ghost of Christmas Past, my dear Romeo," he says, batting his eyes at Simmons. Simmons inches away from Donut only to have his arm grabbed. "Tonight, we shall see visions of your past Christmases. And perhaps dear Romeo may see fit to bestow a kiss upon these lonesome lips." Simmons turns visibly green before he is pulled from the room. Outside the base, Caboose and Tex are waiting to act out young Scrooge and his sister. "Hi people," Caboose says, smiling at the camera. "Scrooge," Tex says loudly, "I have come to take you home." "Really," Caboose asks turning to face her, "Does that mean that the war is over?" "Father has forgiven you and says you can come home for Christmas," Tex tries to continue the skit. "Daddy is mad at me? But-But I didn't do anything," Caboose wails before dissolving into tears. "Caboose," Donut says calmly, "This is the play. Your father isn't really mad at you." "Really," Caboose asks, "Thank you Commander Snicker-doodle."
Donut drags Simmons further around the base to where Church, Tucker, and Sarge are waiting. "Well, boys," Sarge says loudly, "As today is Christmas, you all get a few hours off early for the party." "Thank you sir," Tucker and Church chorus. "But remember," Sarge continues, "If your work doesn't improve, you will be running in front of the Warthog while Caboose shoots at you." Both Church and Tucker sigh and shake their heads. The three set up 'decorations' and Tex comes around the corner. "Sweet, beautiful lady," Church says to Tex while she blushes, "Might I have this dance?" Tex nods, still blushing and shoots at Tucker as he says "Bow Chicka Bow Wow". "So what might your name be, beautiful?" "Uh, um," Tex stutters, trying to remember her lines. "My name is Belle," she finally manages. "That's really pretty," Church purrs, "Just like you." Donut sighs and drags Simmons back into the base as Church and Tex start making out.
Donut leaves Simmons and Tucker enters the room. "I'm the ghost of Christmas Present," he says rolling his eyes. "I'm going to show you what's going to happen this year." He then walks out of the room with Simmons following. Outside, they walk around Church and Tex and over to the caves. There Doc, Donut, and Caboose are sitting waiting. "So, I'm Bob Cratchet, right," Doc asks. "Yeah." "And your sure this video will never be shown to the public," Doc asks suspiciously. "No, we're just doing this for fun," Donut says, crossing his fingers behind his back. "Right," Doc says, sighing, "I am so glad that we can be here together for Christmas. This is all thanks to Mr. Scrooge." Donut huffed before replying in a high, girly voice, "Thanks to Mr. Scrooge? He is an old Miser. He doesn't deserve our thanks." "Admiral Danish, are you feeling alright," Caboose asks. "Why would you ask that, Caboose," Donut asks, his voice normal again. "Because your voice sounded weird. It could be a cold and Doc could help you if it was because he is a doctor." "No, Caboose, I'm alright," Donut said with a sigh. "Ok, but you should take care of yourself President Waffle." Everyone sighed and Doc said, "Come over here, Tim." Caboose looked around the cave to see who Doc was talking to. "Caboose, he means you," Tucker says impatiently. "But my name's Michael." Tucker rolls his eyes and leaves.
The camera follows Simmons back to the Red Base and Grif is standing outside the door wearing a black hooded cape. "Are you the ghost of Christmas Past," Simmons asked. "Yeah, sure, whatever." Grif shrugs and puffs on his cigarette. Grif walks towards the caves and stops outside, motioning for Simmons to continue without him. Simmons sighs and mutters "Chicken" before continuing into the caves to where Tex's and Church's old bodies lay. Then Simmons turns around and walks back out of the caves. "So," Grif asks. "Oh, for the love of God," Simmons sighs exasperated. "Unless you want to end up like them, you need to change your ways," Grif said as he walked away, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a nap."
The screen goes black for a few seconds before returning to all of the Red Team and Blue Team members. They all shout their own 'Seasonal Greetings' at the same time, so it's kind of hard to figure out who said what.
"Merry Christmas, dirtbag."
"Merry Christmas and Bah humbug."
*snore*
"Merry Christmas and a Sparkly Lightish-Red New Year."
"Feliz Navidad."
"Merry Christmas, asshole."
"Merry Christmas."
"Merry Bow Chicka Bow Wow Christmas."
"Happy Cinco de Valentines Month."
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