Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, I do not own Harry Potter or the (butchered) quote from Casablanca, and I don't plan on making any money off of this story. Revolutionary, huh?
A/N: This is for anybody who has ever read a story involving a Mary Sue, and wonders why the hell Voldemort and Harry don't band together to defeat her. For now this is a oneshot, but I may add more depending on what people think of it.
Voldemort A… Fraud?
Mary Sue, a girl so beautiful that she suspected to be half Veela, flaunted up to Voldemort, her beautiful blonde hair sparkling in the non-existent sunshine. She put her hair in a ponytail so that Voldemort could see her beautiful new pink earrings. She wasn't scared – the world was made for her to succeed in.
Facing Voldemort, Mary Sue flicked her wrist. Voldemort's wand soared towards her in a perfect arch. As he stared at her, stunned, she suspended him in the air, upside down, and bound him in rope. Mary Sue didn't bother to use her wand – she hadn't needed to use one since she was six, unless she was doing particularly difficult spells. She was just that good a witch.
Brandishing her wand, Mary Sue muttered an incantation that would cause Voldemort to spontaneously combust. The strongest witch in the wizarding world, Mary Sue had invented this particular spell when she was little and, like any other good little girl, had wanted to help her mother eliminate all of those pesky dust bunnies that her house was prone to accumulating.
Right before she decided to rid the wizarding world of the abomination that was Voldemort, however, Mary Sue felt a pang of pity for the man who had killed her mother, father, uncle, aunt, grandparents, two older siblings, best friend, and mentor.
Righting Voldemort, Mary Sue looked at him intensely, her brilliant blue eyes boring into his bright red ones. "Aren't you getting a bit old for this?" she asked Voldemort.
Voldemort looked at this obnoxious, stuck-up, good-for-nothing, 17-year-old incredulously. "Old for what?" he demanded, indignant.
"I don't know… the whole killing people thing? Don't you have difficulty sleeping at night knowing that you have ruined the lives of so many? Aren't you just filled with the most horrible, burning sensation of guilt?" Mary Sue said, absentmindedly adjusting her shirt and pushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear.
"Nope!" Voldemort declared. "It's always fun to discover new ways to put the wizarding world in peril, and recently I've even tried branching out into the muggle world too, though that was always more of Grindelwald's thing than mine."
"But surely you must feel horrible about all of the deaths you have caused!" Voldemort shook his head adamantly, and Mary Sue looked down in disgust. How could anybody not agree with her? Nobody had ever dared before…what a novel idea!
Suddenly Mary Sue was hit with divine inspiration. "When I was little," Mary Sue informed Voldemort, "My mommy used to tell me to count to ten before said or did anything mean. Just breathe in and out, and imagine all of your anger flowing out of you. It's easy!"
Not knowing what other choice he had, Voldemort breathed in and out, trying to calm himself. Mary Sue watched him, carefully scrutinizing the older man to make sure he was genuinely turning over a new leaf. Determined that this simple exercise had imparted kindness and wisdom into Voldemort, Mary Sue gently set him back down on the ground, unbound him, and threw him his wand. All above actions were once again done without her wand because, as perhaps mentioned before, she was one of the most brilliant and innovative witches as well as the most powerful.
"Now, Voldie, if you ever get mad again, instead of killing people, you can just send me an owl. I'll be more than happy to go through some more anger-reducing methods with you. And I do thank you ever so much for doing this for me. It means a great deal to me. I just want to let you know that I am sure the whole wizarding world will someday be able to think of you as a kind and benevolent sage."
With that declaration, Mary Sue turned around and left, walking past a very disgruntled and alarmed looking Harry Potter.
Once he was completely certain that Mary Sue had left, because, frankly, that girl scared him, Harry Potter strode over to where Voldemort was standing with a shell-shocked expression on his face. "She called me… Voldie," Voldemort declared, his voice practically expressionless.
"Why did you let her do that?" Harry demanded, furious. "Why did you let that brat turn you upside down like that and disarm you?" Harry paused, giving Voldemort time to recuperate. "You could see your underwear, too," he added as an afterthought.
That caused Voldemort to snap out of it. "You could see my underwear?" he asked Harry. When Harry nodded, Voldemort shook his fist angrily. "I'm going to have to talk to the ministry about finding a proper punishment for that girl. Encouraging public indecency… I'm ashamed of her! But no matter, I'm sure that the ministry will find a way to punish her adequately."
Harry stared at Voldemort, his eyes as big as saucers. "You've changed!" he declared. "Asking the ministry to implement punishment like a normal human being? What happened to the exciting, terrifying, let's-kill-everybody-who-doesn't-agree-with-everything-I-say Voldemort?"
Voldemort looked at Harry, amazed that he had been so ignorant. "Boy, I haven't killed a person in years! I'm not sure if I even have the strength to, anymore. Having your soul in eight pieces isn't good on your body, you know!"
"But… but… but I thought…" Harry stammered, hyperventilating and unable to clearly express himself. He paused and, once he had gotten his breathing under control, continued with an accusation. "What about Maria Smith?"
Voldemort burst into hysterical laughter. "Lucius took polyjuice potion and killed her while looking like me."
"What about… Timothy Jones?"
Voldemort shrugged. "Same."
"Susan Sinclaire?"
"Ditto."
"Dudley's Aunt Marge? I've been meaning to thank you for that one."
"That time it was Goyle, I think."
"Are you a… fraud?" Harry asked, horrified.
"I prefer to think of it as an actor," Voldemort shrugged. "Really, though, I was a good killer in my young days. That's when I established my reputation. These days it's just maintenance."
Harry shook his head, wondering what else that he had been taught was a lie. Then he shrugged. That would explain why Harry had managed to not get killed while fighting Voldemort so many times. Then Harry had another thought. "Wait…" he demanded, "How come I wasn't able to kill you, then?"
Voldemort stared at Harry. "No offense, kid, but you aren't the greatest wizard. Above average, but not great. Not like that obnoxious Mary Sue…" Both wizards shuddered at the thought of the stunningly gorgeous, smart, kind, funny, perfect girl who had just bested the most feared wizard on earth… even if he was really a fraud. "And did you know that she is an American exchange student?" Voldemort finished.
"No!" exclaimed Harry, who was so shocked that he was momentarily unable to speak. He hadn't exactly done research on the matter, and he knew Hermione would probably find the one or two exceptions to his statement, but he was pretty sure that this made Mary Sue the first exchange student that Hogwarts had ever had.
Recovering, Harry snickered. "She called you a 'wise and benevolent sage', if I do remember correctly."
"She called me Voldie," said Voldemort darkly.
"I know!" Harry exclaimed indignantly. "That is MY name for you!"
Voldemort glared at Harry. "I do not have a nickname," he said angrily. "Besides, before this obnoxious girl showed up, we never even talked. In fact, I'm pretty sure we were enemies."
"I've always called you Voldie," Harry said simply. "Besides, I think it's time we put aside our differences and help rid the world of the one true abomination – Mary Sue. Nobody can take as much goodness and kindness and prettiness and perfectness as that girl brings. Nobody. So, what do you say?"
Looking at Harry, Voldemort shrugged. "Okay," he said. And that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.