I do not own the characters contained in this fiction, nor do I make profit from it.
A/N: Something new for me. It took over and I couldn't write anything else before I finished it. Stand alone. Hope you enjoy.
"It is not flesh and blood, but heart which makes us fathers and sons." Johann Friedrich Von Schiller
Tony Stark is six months away from his eighteenth birthday and half way through his third year at MIT when someone, rushing to get out of the dorms for the Christmas holiday, yells down the hall that there's a phone call for him on the communal hall phone. He walks to the phone, visions of a cellular phone design dancing in his head, knowing that he's not going to give it up to anyone, especially Howard. He'll graduate in a year and maybe open his own little company with his trust fund. He knows that Jarvis'll help him, maybe even Pops if he isn't too wrapped up in trying to take care of Howard. Speaking of, it's probably Pops on the phone, wanting to ask him to come home for Christmas. Again. If it was just Pops he would, but he's not going to go home just to feel like a failure again when Howard tells him that he's not good enough, not smart enough, a disappointment to everyone. He's not going to see that look in Pops' eyes again, that look that says he wants to help, but he can't, won't, argue with Howard. He won't feel the guilt that crashes down on him when Pops comes into his room late at night, thinking he's sleeping, sits on his bed and strokes his hair, whispering again and again how wonderful he is, how smart he is, how much he's loved. Sometimes Pops' love is as hard to swallow as Howard's loathing. He high-fives someone in the hall, is too drunk, maybe too high, maybe both, to know who it is, and leans against the wall to stave off the dizziness before he grabs the phone and cradles it between his ear and neck.
"Talk to me," He isn't even sure that his words are clear, grins and flashes a peace sign when someone slaps him jovially on the back as they pass.
"Anthony." The tone isn't one he's used to hearing in Howard's voice. He's heard disappointment, he's heard revulsion, but he's never heard this. Never heard this utter devastation. He stands straight in response.
"What is it? What's wrong?"
"Anthony, it's…it's your Pops."
Tony drops the phone as his mind goes blank.
Steve Rogers is fifteen the first time he realizes that he's bent. That's the most polite way of saying it, he's found. He never tells his mother. He's too afraid of what she'll say, too afraid of losing the only love that's been a constant his entire life. Sarah Rogers dies just after her only son's seventeenth birthday never knowing and Steve can't help but be glad for it. As much as he loved his mother he knows she was too Catholic, too faithful, to continue to love him if he'd ever told her. In fact, before he goes into the ice when he's twenty-six years old, he tells only two people.
The first is Bucky. His best friend from childhood and into their adult lives simply throws back his head and laughs when Steve confesses in a whisper as they're sitting on the roof of their building, splitting a bottle of beer and trying to escape the heat of their shared apartment. It's the year before America finally joins the world's war and they are finally finding more work, finally feeling like they're getting their heads above the water. Steve is too small to be anything but a lightweight and he's more than a little drunk when he lets the words slip from his mouth.
"I already knew, punk. You seriously thought I didn't? Jesus, Stevie, I know you better than I know myself most of the time!"
"And you don't mind?"
"Hell no! You like guys. I like dames. It's just who we are. But, be careful, Stevie, yeah? It's you and me, punk. And you ain't getting off before the end of the line."
Bucky wraps an arm around him and Steve rests his head against his shoulder. Neither of them mentions the tears that are on both of their faces and they finish their beer and fall asleep on the roof on some blankets they bring up from their apartment, waking only when the sun shines directly in their eyes.
The second person Steve tells he doesn't really tell at all. After Steve's daring rescue of the men of the 107th he spends a good deal of time with Howard Stark, developing armor for himself and The Commandos, developing weapons from Schmitt's strange technology, and planning their next moves. One night when they are the last ones awake, still pouring over maps, Howard leans across the table, grabs Steve's tie, and kisses him like Steve is the air he needs to survive. Steve doesn't hesitate, reaching out and pulling Howard over the table and into his arms. They kiss and rub off on each other that night and in the morning Howard pretends like nothing has changed, so Steve has no choice but to do the same.
Tony isn't aware of much as Rhodey gets him onto the private jet that Howard sends for him. He crashes on the flight and coming down is hard. He doesn't know how long it's been since he's been completely sober. Rhodey gets him water and cool cloths and is generally the best friend that he knows he doesn't deserve. By the time they land in Malibu Tony feels like crap, but he's completely in his own mind. There's nothing left to help ease the worry and he twitches uncomfortably, unable to keep still, as he sits in the back of the limousine on the way to the hospital. Rhodey reaches out and takes his hand to keep him from biting his nails to the quick.
"It's going to be okay, man," he says and when he says it like that Tony can almost believe him.
Jarvis meets them at the entrance to the hospital. His hug is warm and familiar, but Tony finds it hard to lift his arms to return it. Jarvis just looks at him with that knowing look, his eyes shining with love and worry as they ever have. He tells them quietly that someone tried to kill Howard and Pops the night before. Ran their car off the road, then shot Pops point blank in the chest, three times, when he tried to protect Howard. The doctors spent hours in surgery with him, he explains, and Pops, always so strong, unnaturally strong, flat-lined on the table twice and has flat-lined twice since being moved into recovery. Each time has been harder to bring him back. The doctors are not hopeful.
Tony feels numb as he makes his way through the white halls. He catches only flashes of his surroundings. Bright lights, linoleum floors, the scent of disinfectant and the underlying sick that is in every hospital. He's not even aware that he's only been looking at his feet until he walks right into his father.
Howard looks down at him in a way that Tony has never seen before. There is no disappointment in his eyes, no shame, no anger. Only a great, terrible sadness and a worry so deep and all consuming Tony isn't certain his father will ever climb out of it. And there are tears, Tony realizes with a start, tears falling down Howard's cheeks like a waterfall. Tony doesn't think he's ever seen his father cry before. It makes a lump rise in his throat and he finally lets a sob escape when his father does something that he hasn't done in years.
His father puts his hands on his shoulders, pulls him close, and hugs him.
It isn't hard to keep his relationship with Howard a secret during the war. They have more than enough reasons to disappear together for long periods of time. Howard makes love to him with passion like a fever every time he and the team come back in from the field. He learns so much about pleasure over those months, so much that he never had a chance to learn before when no one looked at him. He falls in love with Howard somewhere between the second and third month of their tryst. He whispers it one night as they're lying on top of uniform pieces and body armor. Howard is lying on his chest and they are comfortably warm despite their nakedness.
"Don't," Howard whispers back, lifting his head from Steve's chest, "It's dangerous for us to love each other, Steve."
"That mean you love me, too?" Steve can't help but smile.
"Don't be an idiot," Howard snorts. It's the closest he gets to telling Steve that he loves him for nearly thirty years.
A few weeks later Howard holds Steve while he rages against the world at the loss of his best friend and life-long companion. A few days after that Steve is the only one who makes it onto the ship Schmitt has built to further himself in his quest for world domination. His battle is fought and he is victorious, but he is certain, as he sees the course the plane is on and knows what destruction the plane will cause, that this will be the final day of his life. He radios in and Peggy, strong, incredible Peggy, puts his apparently not so secret lover on the line for him.
"Howard, I think…"
"Don't think," Howard orders, "You're not great at it sometimes, Steve. Just listen to me. I need you to do exactly as I say."
And because he loves Howard, because he trusts him, and because Howard is the most brilliant man he's ever known, he listens. Howard helps him engage the landing equipment he'd thought destroyed in the battle. Howard directs him to the most remote, solid ground he can find in the vicinity. And Howard tells him to brace himself when landing on half destroyed equipment.
"If you die, I'm going to kill you, Steve." Howard whispers into the microphone as Steve is trying to glide the plane down. Steve feels his heart clench and his breath catch in his throat because there is a very real chance that this is the last time he is going to speak to Howard, going to speak to anyone.
"Howard, I…I…"
"Don't." Howard chokes out and Steve smiles.
Then everything goes black.
It takes Tony nearly twelve hours to work up the nerve to actually go sit at his Pops' bedside. He doesn't want to see, doesn't want to think of Pops as being less than the incredibly strong, larger than life man he's always been. He can't bear to think of him as weak, as fallible. He can't bear to think that he might lose him. He can't lose him. He can't. He doesn't know what he'll do if he does. So, he paces the hallways, he watches Howard yell at doctors and nurses, he keeps himself awake with bad coffee, and finally sleeps when Rhodey and Jarvis force him into one of the waiting rooms with a couch, cover him with a blanket and don't leave his side to assure that he is doing as they say. He wakes up in a panic five hours later, sweating and shaking. Jarvis finds him a shower, Rhodey brings him clothes and some decent coffee, knowing he's not going to be able to get any food into Tony until the worst of the come down is over and he's finally forced himself to see his Pops.
The reality of what he's been avoiding hits him when he finally works up the nerve and slips into his Pops' private room. Immediately his knees go weak and he has to put his hands on his thighs to keep himself upright. He feels a sob rising in his chest and fights it back down even as he can't fight back the tears. His Pops, one of only two people he has always felt loves him unconditionally, looks so diminished lying in the hospital bed. He's always been such a strong man, but lying there he looks so small and so impossibly young. Tony knows that Howard believes that Pops past has been hidden from him, thinks that he believes that Pops is just his much younger lover, but Tony has known the truth since he was ten years old and found all of the things his father and Pops hid away. The trunk in their closet wasn't exactly hard to find and force open.
He knows that his Pops is as old as his father. He knows that his Pops was Captain America and that the reports of his death at the end of the war were all lies. He's watched the old news reels, he's hacked all of the government databases and read all of the reports. He knows just what his Pops is capable of. And to see him reduced to this… Tony chokes down another sob and makes his way to his Pops' bedside. There's hardly anywhere not covered in bandages or tubes. Tony takes a mostly unblemished hand in his and presses a kiss to his forehead, only now showing signs of aging as he stokes his free hand through the blonde hair just starting to streak with silvery grey.
"I'm here, Pops," He whispers, "I'm here. Merry Christmas."
Steve wakes up in a bright room flooded with sunlight. He feels the warmth of it on his skin and then a gentle breeze that ruffles his hair slightly before he even opens his eyes. He can almost taste the flowers on the air they're so fragrant. There's a radio playing, something smooth and slow, and there's a hand holding his limply. His mouth turns up slightly in a small smile and he turns his head before he opens his eyes. When he finally does he sees exactly what he's been expecting. Howard is slouched ungracefully in a hard-backed chair, one of his prized suits wrinkled beyond repair, it seems to Steve's clothing-inexperienced eye. He looks like he hasn't slept in days. His normally well-groomed facial hair is grown out and rough. His head is back and his mouth open, but his hand is still holding onto Steve's like a lifeline. Steve falls a little bit more in love with him just seeing him. He knows how much stock Howard puts in his appearance. That he is willing to look as he does right now…for Steve…
"He'd been awake for nearly ninety-six hours before he finally fell asleep a few hours ago. Try not to wake him."
He turns his head to see Peggy sitting in a chair on his other side. She smiles as she takes his other hand in her own and presses a kiss to the back of it. She looks as beautiful and as put-together as she always does. And he can tell just by looking in her eyes that she knows.
"Howard tracked the plane. Took us nearly a day and a half to get to you. When we finally did…God, I've never seen a man so devastated. You were just lying there, covered in snow. We couldn't find a pulse. Howard…He took you in his arms, pressed kisses to your face, cried for you, screamed for you. Then, you started breathing again and oh…I've never been so relieved. Steve, you have to know…we all know. We've known since Bucky…We…we'll keep the secret. We will. We can protect you. Howard's already started."
"Protect me…how?"
"You're dead, Stevie," Howard's sleep rough voice comes from his other side. Steve turns his head to see his lover sitting up. He feels a blush rise at the open way Howard presses a kiss to the back of his hand, "At least according to the American government. You're free of them. Not their soldier. Not their lab rat. We found you. You were already dead. There's a funeral planned in Washington. It's going to be beautiful. Want to be my date?"
"Howard…" Steve can't help but smile.
"Don't…" Howard smiles back. His eyes flick up to Peggy and Steve sees her smile out of the corner of his eye and turn to leave to room.
"You aren't leaving me so soon, Captain," Howard sets his forehead to Steve's and just breathes for a moment.
"Never," Steve closes his eyes and lets his breath syncopate with Howard's, "Never."
"What happened?" Tony doesn't know how he knows that it's his father in the room when the door opens. The only explanation he has is that he's never known anyone aside from Howard who can open a door with such purpose, make someone feel like they're a disappointment to him just with the way he latches a door closed. He works hard to hide his flinch and the automatic sympathy that wants to cross his face when his father sits down in the chair on the other side of the bed. He sets a hand lightly on Steve's arm, in between bandages, and sighs. It's like the weight of the world in on his father's shoulders. He normally stands and sits like the tallest person in the world, needs to project utter confidence in his every move. His clothes are never out of place. Even when he's been in the lab for three days, he always looks fresh and put together. But, right now he is none of those things. Right now he is small and worried and wrinkled. His clothing is askew and covered in dried blood, his hair is sticking up in all directions and for the first time in Tony's memory he looks…old. Old and defeated. So, of course, Tony can't help but push.
"Pops is Captain America. I've known it for years. He's aging ten times slower than he should. He's ten times stronger than he should be. Ten times smarter. The car going off the road wouldn't have done this. And why would he just sit there and let someone shoot him three times in the chest? It just doesn't add up."
"You're right," Howard's smile is brittle and the most true expression Tony has ever seen on his face, "Top of the class. My brilliant little mechanic."
"Oh, come on!" Tony can't help the kneejerk reaction, even though the nickname pulls at a memory far in the corner of his mind.
"It was Bucky Barnes," Howard continues, ignoring Tony's outburst.
Tony freezes. Pops raised him on stories of Bucky Barnes and him getting into trouble as kids. There were times when Uncle Bucky was more real to him than the living people in his world. He knows that Bucky Barnes was a genuine war hero and from Pops' stories he was also a genuinely good man. Tony knows how devastated Pops was when he lost Uncle Bucky, knows the guilt Pops still feels that they were never able to locate his body.
"What?" He can hardly bring himself to force out the word.
"I know how crazy it sounds. Someone came up behind us and shot out our tire. We crashed and I was knocked out for a few seconds. When I came back around your Pops was already out of the car, trying to talk down the guy. He had this mask over his face…but the eyes…They were…It was…" He clears is throat, "Your Pops has kept his skills sharp even after all these years. In fact he's worked harder and sought out some of the best to…well anyway, his shield, we always have it with us. I popped the trunk and when it came out the assassin shook his head, like he was trying to clear something out of it. They fought. It was like…two prize fighters, both at the top of their game. They were so evenly matched. Until Pops knocked off the mask. It was Bucky Barnes. There's no mistaking him. Handsome as the devil, eyes like an angel. Your Pops used to say that."
"But, how did he…what…"
"I have no idea. Wish I did. But, as soon as your Pops was distracted he turned on me. Gun out. I was certain I was done. But, your Pops…He jumped in front of me. Always the self-sacrificing idiot. Took all three shots. He went down and I was holding him and Bucky was right there in front of me. Gun still up and your Pops…all he said was his name, still reaching out for him. There was nothing in those eyes, Tony. God, I wanted there to be, but it was just blank. He said, 'Who the hell is Bucky?' and I was trying to stop the bleeding. There was so much blood. And your Pops just reached for him again, and he was coughing up blood and he still told him, 'Till the end of the line.' Then Bucky looked terrified. The only emotion he showed the entire time. And he ran. And your Pops, God Tony, he was in my arms and he was trying to tell me to tell you and…God, I can't…Can't lose him."
It's the first time Tony can remember ever seeing his father cry and he feels his heart clench. Part of it is in sympathy because he's never realized just how much his father loves his Pops. He's known on a hypothetical level. Has always known what coming out of the closet just after Tony was born nearly cost him, especially when he finally introduced the world to what they thought was his much younger lover. But, Tony's never really stopped to think about what the driving factor behind the sacrifices is. And just looking at his father now he knows. Howard is totally, ridiculously in love with his husband. Has been for the majority of his life. Even when he's seemed not to care…Tony wants to stand, wants to walk over to him and put a hand on Howard's shoulder, wants to offer some comfort because his father is near sobbing over his sleeping lover's hand. He wants to do these things because he loves his Pops, too. Loves him in a way he hasn't loved many people. If he dies Tony doesn't know what he's going to do either, but at the same time he's angry. He's angry and he's hurt because Howard has never shown him any kind of affection like he's showing for Pops right now. And it's devastating to know. As much as he loves his Pops the fact that his biological father has never been able to stand him just hurts too much. He pushes away from the bed, ignores the way the chair falls over in a loud clatter, and tries to ignore the tears that are streaming down his face.
"Tony!"
He doesn't remember the last time his father used his preferred name and that only makes the pain in his chest worse. He struggles with the doorknob in a futile effort for a moment and loses precious time. His father wraps still strong arms around him, pinning his arms to his sides, and pulls him away from the door before taking both of them to their knees. Tony isn't certain how long he rages against his father before the words that are being whispered in his ear stop being a jumbled mess and become English again.
"I'm so sorry, Tony, so sorry. Pops told me I should have talked to you long before now. God, please don't tell me I've lost you both. God, Tony, I love you so much."
Just after the war is finished, Howard moves them to the mansion he's had built for them in Malibu. For the first time in a life filled with medical problems and uncertainty Steve is healthy. More than that, he's strong. He can do whatever he wants. He gets up before dawn and jogs for nearly twenty miles just because he can and he never gets tired, never gets short of breath. He feels like a king when he comes back to the house and Howard is awake, sipping coffee on the veranda in his fancy bathrobe. They have a routine that suits them both where Steve will wrap Howard in his arms and kiss his neck from behind. Every time Howard will complain about the sweat before turning and kissing him lavishly. Often times this means that they don't eat for another hour or more, but neither of them minds.
Steve has always wanted to serve his country. It was his greatest dream for as long as he can remember, to serve the way his father did. But, now that he's seen it, seen how political it can get, he knows that he's going to serve his country better independently than associated with it. It's not hard to imagine what would have happened if Howard hadn't rescued him from the ice and the government had found him first. He'd be theirs for the rest of his unnaturally long life. Theirs to order, theirs to study. And his sense of duty wouldn't have let him leave, if they hadn't kept him too weak to leave anyway. He feels a little guilty now knowing that he's basically lying to his country, making all of the millions they spent on him useless, but then he remembers that most of the money was Howard's and he smiles.
For the first time in his life he has all of the money that he could need and much more than he's ever wanted. He doesn't allow himself to feel guilty about spending the money that Howard has earned. He does plenty to give back to Howard. He cooks and cleans, despite Howard's loyal Jarvis' insistence that he doesn't have to. Mostly he keeps Howard sane when he spends days upon days in the lab. Luckily Steve will always be stronger than Howard and sex and food are great tempters before it comes to physically removing Howard from the labs.
The first ten years are happy, despite the deceptions and making sure that no one finds out what they mean to each other. Steve loves Howard for his obsessions and Howard loves Steve for his goodness. They make love often and take pleasure in the simple things neither of them ever thought they'd have. They take holidays at very exclusive resorts where Howard throws around too much money for people to think of doing anything but look the other way. They wrap themselves up in each other and the most important thing to their individual happiness becomes the other's happiness.
And slowly it changes. It is a process that takes years, but eventually they allow themselves to get caught up in S.H.I.E.L.D. Steve is busy with training recruits, using his mind and tactical knowledge to decide with Colonel Phillips and Peggy where to send their men and women, trying to make the world a better, safer place. Howard is busy building his tech empire with Obadiah Stane and secretly funding S.H.E.I.L.D. with the inventions that come from his brilliance and Stane makes the business connections to sell. Steve doesn't like Obadiah, though he can't really pinpoint why at first. It isn't until years later that he realizes that the introduction of Stane into their lives is what begins the end of their happy times. Stane comes to the mansion often to confer with Howard and he is not a man either of them is willing to trust, so Steve moves his things into a guest bedroom. It's easier to lie that he and Howard are friends from the war and Howard is helping him get back on his feet.
At first they still sleep in the same bed as they always have, Howard half on Steve. But, soon Howard is coming to bed later and later and when he does he doesn't sleep on Steve. Steve wakes up and Howard isn't there or he's shuffled to the far end of the bed. Their lives become perfunctory. They don't make love. They barely speak, even when they're sitting across the table from each other. They don't fight, either. Steve tries to fight with him every once in a while just to see if Howard cares enough to rise to the bait, but he never does. After a while Steve just doesn't have the energy to try anymore. He tries different tactics. Tries sweetness. He tells Howard he'd like him home at a certain time and prepares special dinners. He waits for hours more than once before he realizes Howard probably didn't even listen to him to hear the invitation. He tries sending Howard gifts. He never acknowledges them. So, he tries to freeze Howard out, just to get a reaction. But, Howard seems just as content with silence and cold as he had been with love previously.
Steve doesn't think Howard even notices when the room he's pretended is his since Stane started coming over truly becomes his primary living space. And that's when the hurt sets in. It's like a physical ache in his chest, like his heart is breaking. It's not the same as when Bucky died. That was heartbreak so profound Steve wasn't sure he'd ever get over it. This ache…this ache is tempered with a numb, grim acceptance that makes him bite his knuckle as he cries in the shower, makes him try again and again to reach Howard although he knows it's too late. As much as it hurts, Steve doesn't have it in him to be angry. He knows he's just as guilty of letting life and S.H.I.E.L.D. get in the way of love as Howard is. He spends more and more time at S.H.I.E.L.D., takes rooms there. Steve finds, when he takes the time to think about it at all, that he still loves Howard. In fact he still loves him more than anything but he has to accept that Howard is done with him. He was the shiny new gadget for longer than any of the other shiny new gadgets, but eventually Howard got tired of Steve just as he's always done with all the others.
He isn't surprised when, on their twentieth anniversary, the first time they've been together in nearly six months for longer than a few minutes, Howard announces that at Stane's urging he has decided to get married. People, stockholders, don't trust a man of his age without a wife and children, still living with an old war buddy. People talk about things like that. Steve feels a final stab a regret, tells Howard that he'll move the rest of his things to the rooms he's taken at S.H.I.E.L.D. after dinner, and continues eating.
"You love me?" Tony tears away from Howard with a gasping sob. He's too raw, too worried and scared, to hold back what he's wanted to say all these years. He can't hide behind drugs and alcohol. He's sober and hurting. He can't hide behind pithy remarks and a playboy smile. He's too tired to keep up the farce. "What the fuck do you mean you love me? If memory serves you haven't touched me in, oh, my whole life. You act like I'm the biggest disappointment in your whole incredible life! I can never measure up to you or what you expect! What the fuck do you mean you hope you haven't lost me? You never had me! You never wanted me! Pops is the only one who's ever wanted me! Pops and Jarvis!"
"God, I'm sorry, Tony." Howard reaches out for him again and it may be the desperation Tony sees in his father's eyes, desperation like he's never seen before, that has him allowing it when Howard moves to take him in his arms again. His breath catches in his throat when he breathes in a scent he'd always thought was something out of his imagination. Old Spice aftershave and motor oil. It's a scent he wakes up smelling after some of his happiest dreams. Dreams where his father holds him and loves him. He sometimes smells it when Pops comes into his room after another horrible dinner. For his Pops, who has always loved and encouraged him, always shown up to every science fair, math competition and piano recital, Tony swallows down his pride and his anger.
"What are you sorry for?" He asks.
"You won't remember this, Tony, but the first time someone threatened your life you were only five years old. You were kidnapped right from the mansion. Jarvis was nearly killed, your nanny was. Pops and I were away at the time. Someone had all the codes to the security system. They knew exactly where to go. There was no other explanation. It had to be someone we knew, someone we trusted implicitly. They took you, Tony, and they held you for nearly two weeks. When we finally got to you…you were almost dead. I've never seen your Pops so angry and so helpless. He sat by your bedside at the hospital for four days, not sleeping, not eating, just holding your hand. We brought on some private security and it was suggested to me that the best way to protect you was to make it seem like I didn't care, that I wouldn't pay if you were taken again, that I considered you more of a nuisance than a child. That way no one would think it was worth it to kidnap you again."
"You played your part too well," Tony says bitterly, pulling away again.
"I know," Howard frowns when his son curls up in the corner, looking far younger than he should, "After a few years it just got easier to let you believe the lie too. Just easier to let you hate me than try to explain. Your Pops has told me for years to tell you, but I could never take the risk. I just kept thinking, what if I told you and it didn't matter because I'd damaged it too much, hurt you too deeply, to repair? I'm a coward, Tony. I never claimed to be otherwise. It's why I made weapons in the war instead of fighting in it. And why it took me nearly thirty years to come out to the world, even though I should have been proud to have your Pops on my arm, in my bed. But, I can't be a coward now, Tony, so even if it's too late I…I…you know, the first time I held you I thought I'd never seen anything so beautiful. I still think that. It's you, Tony, it's always been you and it always will be. You are my greatest creation and I've had almost no hand in it. Your Pops and Jarvis deserve the credit for that. I know that. I hope it's not too late, but if it is I just…I need you to know."
It's too easy. Tony knows it's too easy and he is not going to be able to just forgive and forget years of neglect that bordered on abuse and made him into the mess he is today. They are going to have fallbacks. But for right now, right this moment, this is all he's ever wanted to hear. His father's words are like a soothing balm to his heart and he is so overwhelmed all he can do is sob. He falls into his father's arms and allows himself to be held as he cries himself out. And the entire time Howard just strokes his hair and tells him how much he loves him.
The next eight years are a blur of missions, training, plans, and everyone around him getting older while his body and mind remain stubbornly the same. Colonel Philips passes in his sleep, a weary old soldier finally at rest. Peggy marries and moves her growing family back to England to be near her aging parents. Steve misses them both fiercely after they're gone. The opportunity arises to become the director and Steve realizes that it's the job he wants least in the world, but he agrees to be the new Nick Fury's right hand man as long as he can still take missions. He's useless without the action, always has been. So he chooses the best damn recruit he ever trained and becomes second in command.
Amazingly, he only very rarely sees Howard. Only a few people at S.H.I.E.L.D. know their history, but they are all high enough up that when Howard is in the building Steve always has a very plausible reason not to be. He sees Howard's bride only once, but it is a long enough look for him to know that Maria Carbonell Stark is beautiful, as raven-haired as Howard once was, nearly twenty years Howard's junior, and using Howard just as much as he is using her. They seem like they get along well, but there's no heat in the way they look at each other, in the way they touch each other. Steve feels a sense of hollow victory at that. He knows all of the ways to make Howard whimper that he knows Maria has no idea about. He hears of her pregnancy only a month before the baby is due and destroys seven punching bags before he feels calm again.
It's only two weeks after that night that Steve is woken from a dead sleep by a weary knocking at his door. He opens it to find Howard standing there, a sleeping infant in his arms. He looks exhausted and world worn in a way Steve has never seen him. He lets Howard in without a word and leads him the comfortable couch before he goes and makes them both some tea. When he gets back into the living room Howard in seated on the couch, the baby held safe and secure in his arms, and is running a single finger down the little forehead to the tip of the baby's nose.
"Isn't he perfect?" Howard asks after a moment.
"He's beautiful, Howard," Steve agrees and is surprised to find that he actually means it because the baby is beautiful and Howard is beautiful so besotted with him and maybe Steve isn't as over Howard as he thought he was.
"His name is Anthony. Maria's choice. She…Maria's gone, Steve. She died in childbirth. There was a tear and they couldn't…she bled out before they could stop it. She…I didn't love her, Steve, not like I…But she was a friend. The best I've ever had next to you. And I don't know how I'm going to do this alone."
"Howard," Steve murmurs, "You're not alone."
Steve sees the hope on Howard's face, but even though he may not be as over him as he thought he's also not over the way Howard was able to so causally toss aside their twenty year love because stockholders thought a forty-five year old man living with an old army buddy was exactly what it looked like. Steve stands and leans down over Howard, feels the way Howard moves against him, leaning up for a kiss, and Steve fights a wince even as he feels a stab of vindictive joy at the disappointment on Howard's face when he realizes that all Steve was doing was reaching under his arms for the baby.
"You'll never be alone in this."
He knows it's bordering on cruel, but he takes the baby into his bedroom and closes the door behind him. He takes a minute, leaning against the door. Only Howard has ever been able to make him feel so uncertain of himself and he has never wanted to be cruel, but being cruel to Howard feels good right now, despite how much guilt there will be later. After a moment to breathe he looks down at the baby and is surprised to find him looking back. He can't be more than a day old, but Steve sees such intelligence in those dark blue eyes. He's certain that they'll darken as he gets older. Just like Howard's. He is the most beautiful thing Steve has ever seen. And for the first time in his life Steve falls completely, irrevocably in love in an instant. He'd never thought to have children, but he'll be damned if he lets Howard know that this is the greatest gift anyone's ever given him before a great deal of groveling. Because he knows he's going to take Howard back. He loves him. Always has and always will. It's been eight years and the feelings have never actually faded.
He looks at Howard over the breakfast table the next morning. Howard is holding the baby and he's in love with them both, but Steve will not be giving up so easily this time.
"If you ever take him away from me…" He warns.
"I understand," Howard says quietly and Steve can see the honesty in his eyes, "I understand."
It's nine months before Howard dares to kiss him again, nearly a year before they make love. On Tony's first birthday Steve moves back into the mansion and when he's eighteen months old a picture appears in a news rag of Steve and Howard kissing while Steve holds Tony on his hip. Howard doesn't pay to have the story killed before it can run. He lets it run and only smiles when Steve questions him about it the next morning. They announce themselves on a friendly talk show, using the information they agreed on. Steve is an artist Howard met at a showing just after his wife passed. Howard loved his work and invited him for coffee. Neither of them expected it, but they fell in love. They are committed to each other and they've decided to raise Howard's son as their son. Stark Industries stock drops overnight. The board nearly locks Howard out of his own company, but then he comes up with yet another brilliant invention that can be made relatively cheaply for public consumption and lines the board member's pockets and all of sudden they don't care anymore. On the public side he and Howard are still a hot commodity with paparazzi and everyone wants of piece of their little boy, but they are very protective of him. There are only pictures when they allow them, despite what those taking them think. Just after Tony's third birthday, they hold a commitment ceremony and thereafter call each other husband.
Tony is kidnapped for the first time just after his fifth birthday. They nearly lose him and Steve has never seen Howard so scared. Howard and Nick come up with a plan Steve disagrees with completely, but when it comes to protecting his family Steve can't tell Howard anything. So, he watches as the stubbornness of his husband becomes the stubbornness of his son and they drift further and further apart. He holds Tony when Howard's coldness becomes too much for the boy to bear, holds Howard when the same is true. He prays with all his might that something will happen to knock some sense into the man he loves and that it will be before it's too late for their incredibly bright, genius son to forgive him. And all the while he loves them both.
The next three weeks are the simultaneously the best and the worst of Tony's life. His Pops doesn't wake up. There is nothing on any of the scans that the doctors keep taking to suggest that his brain activity is changing, that he might wake soon. The doctors stop talking about when he wakes up and start talking about if he wakes up. Howard refuses to entertain the idea that he won't and the doctors quickly learn to address their concerns to Jarvis. They don't dare address Tony directly either because he's still shaky and detoxing and every time anyone says anything along the lines of his Pops not waking up he tends to have a bit of an emotional breakdown. Rhodey is on hand for the first week, but eventually he has to return to his base, his emergency leave having run out. After that Tony has to depend on Jarvis for stability, and is surprised to find that he can depend on his father as well.
They spend most of their days sitting at Pops' bedside and Howard tells him stories of when he and Pops were younger. He tells him stories of the war, stories of Uncle Bucky when he was young and charming, tells him stories of how he and Pops would sneak off, how they fell in love, how they started S.H.I.E.L.D. And, to Tony's surprise, he doesn't only tell him of the good things, but he tells them about the bad things as well. He tells him about the three days he thought Pops was dead when he almost killed himself and it was only Aunt Peggy puling the gun out of his mouth that saved his life. He tells him about how in love he and Pops were before he allowed his ego and his business partner's lust for money to inform his decision to marry.
He tells Tony more about his mom in those days than he has his entire life. He tells him how they met at a party that neither of them were interested in and how she had him laughing within minutes with her clever impressions of those around them. He tells Tony just how beautiful Maria was. Physically, of course she was stunning. Same dark eyes and hair as Tony, beautifully exotic olive skin from her Italian heritage. Men always wanted her. Women wanted her beauty But, it was more than that that drew him to her. He tells Tony how brilliant his mother was, and how that brilliance was being stifled in the confines of her family's expectations. They wanted her married off to someone with money to advance the family's wealth and social status as the women of her family had been forced to do for generations. They'd allowed her to go to college because the Ivy Leagues are a good place to meet families from old money. They'd never expected her to take her undergraduate seriously. But, she had and she'd been stunning. Some of her papers on advanced robotics and coding were published and of interest to Howard before they ever met. But, when she'd wanted to continue her education her father and threatened to cut off her younger sister, knowing that she wouldn't care if she was cut off, but would never want it for her sister who had never been her family's focus because she wasn't as beautiful or likely to marry well. He married her so as not to deprive the world of her brilliance almost as much as he'd married her to keep his sexuality a secret. She worked in R&D for Stark Tech and helped them put out some of their best work in years. Her work is still at the basis of many of their products, much of their technology, Howard explains, showing Tony scans of some of his mother's doodles and notes that he can see their tech basis in. Tony can see the affection Howard still has for his mother in his eyes, hear it in his voice, and knows he wouldn't have her work on him if he hadn't loved her.
"When did she find out about Pops?" He asks, almost afraid of the answer.
"About a year into our marriage," Howard answers without hesitation, "By that time we already knew that our marriage was one of convenience and affection. We tried, both of us, at first, because we genuinely liked each other, but I'm gay and your mom…she enjoyed her work more than she enjoyed sex. We stimulated each other intellectually. She became my best friend. One day she came down into my lab when I was passed out drunk and digging through the box of pictures and mementos I'd kept from your pops. Asked me why I hadn't told her. She never asked me what happened. She was kinder than that. She did tell me that if it ever came to it, she'd be happy to lie for me. 'Not like I want you for the sex, anyway.'" Howard laughs slightly at the memory.
"The only time we had sex after the first couple months was when we were trying to conceive you. God, we both wanted you so badly and we figured there were worse ways to raise a baby we both wanted than two best friends who wanted to be parents. It was a joy to feel you grow inside her body. She was so excited for you, Tony. Only thing I'd ever seen her that excited about was her work. The advances in medicine since then…if you were born today your mom would probably still be alive. She…she got to hold you. Just for a moment. She kissed you. She was so tired and so happy. She gave you your name and then the doctors were rushing us out of the room, you in my arms screaming. And just like that I lost my best friend. The doctors checked you out and I took you to the only place I could think off. I took you to your Pops."
"And I fell in love with you the moment I held you in my arms."
The voice makes them both jump up from their chairs before leaning down over Pops, who is smiling up at them in an exhausted, happy way, the corners of his eyes crinkling. Tony can't stop himself fro climbing into the bed with his Pops and laying his head down on the pillow next to his Pops'. He buries his face in the juncture between Steve's neck and shoulder and begins to sob, releasing all of terror and uncertainty of the last weeks. His Pops just presses a kiss to his head and whispers to him over and over that it's okay. In the back of his mind Tony knows something fundamental has changed when he feels Howard's hand on his back and it's almost as comforting to him as his Pops' voice in his ear. He doesn't know it, but when he finally falls into an exhausted sleep he has a smile on his face.
Steve strokes his son's hair and looks up at Howard with a deep joy in his eyes as Tony sleeps on.
"I'm proud of you, Howard. And proud of Tony."
"We're a family," Howard repeats what Steve has told him often enough, "Figured we should start acting like it." He keeps a hand on his sleeping son's back as he leans over to kiss his husband gently.
"You aren't leaving me so soon, Captain." He murmurs as he presses his forehead to Steve's
"Never," Steve whispers back, "Never."
"I love you, Howard," Steve says quietly, as he wraps a blanket around his husband's shoulders. Tony has been down with the worst strain of flu Steve has ever seen. He was delirious with fever for three days and now that it's broken he is sleeping like the dead as he recovers. Howard hadn't left his side when he was tossing and turning with fever, calling out for them both, but Steve knows that he won't stay long with Tony on the mend, "But, you're wrong. You know that, don't you? All he wants is your love, Howard."
"I'd rather have him alive and hating me than the alternative," Howard says for what feels like the hundredth time. He smooths away the line between Tony's eyes with an ever so gentle touch and Steve sighs, his heart aching.
"You love him so much, Howard. You should just tell him."
"I know," Howard sighs, "I know. I want to. I just. I…I will. When he's feeling stronger."
Steve just shakes his head. He knows better than to believe the lies his husband tells to keep the peace in their household. Steve isn't surprised when Tony comes around the next day and Howard is nowhere to be found.
Uncle Bucky turns himself in a few months later though it takes years to heal his fractured psyche. Steve and Howard stay by his side the entire time and he eventually finds work and love with S.H.I.E.L.D. Tony stands up for his uncle when he marries Agent Romanov. It's at the wedding that Tony meets Pepper Potts, Nick Fury's terrifyingly efficient assistant. He takes her to dinner the next week and when they find out that she's pregnant almost a year into their relationship he realizes that he has never wanted anything more than her and their baby. They're married in a private ceremony with only his parents and Rhodey in attendance. It's after the small celebratory dinner that Pops and Dad tell him about the cancer that's eating away at Howard's body. Howard holds Tony in sturdy, strong arms and promises that he's not going to miss the birth of his grandchild.
Rosamund Maria Potts-Stark is born without incident and the first person to hold her is Howard. He kisses her forehead and Tony tries not to cry when he notices just how pale and drawn his father has gotten, just in a few months. Pops sees the look in Tony's eyes and nods when he knows that Tony has realized what they were trying to keep from him. The first year of Rose's life in the best and worse of Tony's. It seems as his little girl grows stronger his father loses strength.
It's only a month after Rose's first birthday that they're in the hospital once more saying goodbye to Howard. It's been a long time coming and he has been suffering with the pain of the illness that it taking him from them for far too long. Tony is laying in the bed with him when he goes, holding his father's much weakened body against his chest and pressing kisses to the thin skin at his temple. Steve is holding his hand and whispering how much he loves him, how much he has always loved him, and that he and Tony are going to be okay. Telling him to please go if it will mean an end to his pain. Howard smiles at them both, long past being able to speak, and passes in his sleep an hour later.
"He loved you so much," Steve says when they're standing next to the gravestone.
"I know," Tony answers, leaning against his Pops.