Disclaimer:I do not own some of the words Louise Renningson invented (aka the writing genius of the geniuses from Geniusland.).However,I do own a bag of Gummy Bears.Want some?Too bad,I already ate them.Hahahahahahahahahah-cough cough cough cough.
Bonjour ma dear dear readerzz.This is le brand new and improved chapter of Lipgloss,shops&chocolate.Well,um,its not exactly brand brand new,but it is improved.What in the name of Budhha's bra am I rambling on about?
Anyways,me,aka Charlie,Shawly,Babyface or Cee,call me whatever you like,is going to tell you whats going on in my trés trés crappy and merde plus double poo with knobs life.So,here goes.
P.S If you're actually reading this,thankooverymush.I must admit I'm not very good at writing stories,so I would be quiet surpirsed if I got reviews.And vair vair pleased also :D
Saturday,May 28th
23:45 pm
In the kitchen,doing some weirdishlee weird dance I made up.Benjy is asleep upstairs in his room,so he can't hear the music,therefore I'm able to dance along to i.I put earplugs in Benjy's ears (being the genius I am)saying that they will give him sweet dreams about him being Spiderman and saving the world,etuhcetra.Benjy refused to put them in at first,as he said he didn't want to be Spiderman,he insisted on being Batman.So I convinced him he'll be Batman instead.He eventually put in the earplugs and went to sleep.My dear mother,is gone Christey Jeebuz knows where.On a date,says she.My parents split up 3 years ago.Fatha lives in London now.I dont really mind,I prefer living with mum.Though I do go to visit him sometimes.How very inappropriate for a woman her age to be dating.Erlack a-pongoes,mental images! I started hitting the side of my head with my palm and shut my eyes tight,so the images will go away.Ewwyy.The song I'm dancing along to is 'Wake me up before you go-go' a good auld 80's hit.I call the dance 'Loonieboogie'.Named it myself.Im quiet chuffed,to be honest.Kick left leg in the air,kick right leg,hands in front of you,move them up and down,jump,turn around,clap hands in the air,hold the position,do the Indian head from side to side swing,drop hands,do the whole routine again,drop on your knees and have a head spaz.
Okay,so the last part is not exactly normal,but its a part of the dance.I was just about to do Indian head from side to side swing when my computer bleeped indicating I have an MSN message (for those asnotishingly dim out there its Instant Messanger).I clicked on the orange tab on my toolbar and looked at the message.
-Kellieface- LETS GO RIVER DANCING YO says:
GUESSWHATGUESSWHATGUESSWHATGUESSWHAT.
- Charliebaby3 says:
Let me guess.You walked into a pole this morning,all your stuff went flying everywhere,you picked up your stuff,mumbled 'Sorry' to the pole and kept on walking.
-Kellieface-LETS GO RIVER DANCING YO says:
Yes.Thats exactly it.
- Charliebaby3 says:
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
- Charliebaby3 says:
:I Please tell me youre kidding.
-Kellieface- LETS GO RIVER DANCING YO says:
Yes.Obviously.I don't walk into poles,you bimbo.
- Charliebaby3 says:
You dont?
-Kellieface- LETS GO RIVER DANCING YO says:
No...
- Charliebaby3 says:
Err...Right.Yes.Okay.
-Kellieface- LETS GO RIVER DANCING YO says:
Anyways,what I did wanna tell you was that Dan's coming to the Paramore gig with us.
- Charliebaby3 says:
Reeeeeeally?
-Kellieface- LETS GO RIVER DANCING YO says:
Yup.
- Charliebaby3 says:
Thats nice ;D
-Kellieface- LETS GO RIVER DANCING YO says:
Yeah.Anyways,you up to much?
- Charliebaby3 says:
Nawh,not really.Was just doing the Loonieboogie when you interrupted.
-Kellieface- LETS GO RIVER DANCING YO says:
The Loonieboogie?What in the name of Natalie's giganticus nunga-nunga holder are you on about?
- Charliebaby3 says:
It's a new dance I made up.Wanna come over and see it?
-Kellieface- LETS GO RIVER DANCING YO says:
Uhmm okay.But it is 5 to midnight,you do realise that don't you?And isn't your mom and Benjy there?Aren't they like,asleep?
- Charliebaby3 says:
Yes,but I put earplugs in Benjy's ears and mom's gone on a date.And its not like you live 10 miles away.You only live 2 houses away from me.
-Kellieface- LETS GO RIVER DANCING YO says:
Fine,I'll be over in abit.
- Charliebaby3 says:
Bring your jimjams,youre sleeping over.
-Kellieface- LETS GO RIVER DANCING YO says:
Kay.
00:05
She signed off now.I'm gonna go back to my dance now.Kick left,kick right leg,hands in front swish swishy JUMP,turn round,clap,hold,head side to sideswing,drop hands,down on knees,HEAD SPAZ.
00:09
I think I just cracked my neck.
00:10
Just gonna move my head around a bit and it will go away.There.Now,where was I.Oh yes,Im gonna do some groovy Moonwalking.Walk backwards swish swish with feet and-CRASH.What the...Good grief.I fell backwards over the bin.Now sitting on the floor.And all the litter's on the ground.Lovely.
''Hahahahahahahaha.'' laughed a loonerish a voice behind me.I jumped about 2 feet in the air,it gave me such a fright.I ran over and grabbed the sweeping brush and stuck it out in front of me.
Then I jumped,turned around and shouted
''HA!''
Kellie backed away with her hands in front of her.I stopped walking towards her and blinked like a blinking sheep,then put the brush down.
''Oh!Sorreee,I though you were a serial killer.''
''Ooooh,but I am!'' she made an evil face,took out her eyeliner and stabbed me with it.I just stood there staring at her,blinking.
''Youre supposed to die.'' She explained and looked at me as if Im an alien from space.
''Oh.Right.Chrrrrrrrrrch.'' I fall on the ground and start twitching like a twitching thing from Twitchythingeemajigy land.
Then I stop and get up.
I said to Kellie, ''Help me tidy this wubbish,will you?Pleasee-weasy?''
Kellie sighed and started picking up the rubbish.I patted her on the head and smiled.
''Good doggy''
She looked up at me with an annoyed face.
''Youre doing this too.Its your house.''
''Yes ofcourse it is.I should call Dan and ask him to come over and help us tidy this.''
''Dont do that.''
''Why not?''
''Because he'll err...duff you with his purse.''
''Hahahahahahahaha-wait,Dan doesnt have a purse.He's not gay.Or something.''
''Yes he is.'' then she starts nodding wisely like shes somekindof a wise old man.Hm,maybe she is.All thats missing is a beard.
''No hes not.'' I argue while picking up a carton of orange juice.
''Yes.''
''No.He snogs girls.''
''He could be bisexual.''
''Erlack,why are we even discussing Dan's orientation?'
''Because he's gay.''
''Why dont we ask him so?'' I challenged her.She won't do it,you'll see.
Kellie takes out her phone and dials Dan's number..
00:17
Calling Dan.Once it starts ringing she puts it on loudspeaker.In a few beeps Dan answers in a groggy voice.
''Hello?''
''Dan,are you gay?''
''Errr...what?Why are you calling me at one am asking me if Im gay?''
''Charlie wants to know.''
I narrowed my eyes at her to show my angryosity.
''I dont!'' I hissed throught gritted teeth.''You're the one who said he has a purse!''
Kellie grinned at me and asked again
''So are you gay?''
''No.''
''Okay.Sweet dreams,gaystuff''
Then she hung up.
Kellie smiled smugly and said to me ''Operation Find Out If Dan's Gay complete.''
''Result-No.''
'Rightio.''
I said to her ''Im gonna go make some krisp riciez,you stay here.''.Instead of calling Rice Krispies their original name,I call them krisp riciez.Its sounds vair much fancier that way.I went to the kitchen,and opened the cupboard where we keep all our cereals,only to find we have no krisp riciez.All that was there was Weetafrickin'bix.Sigh,grunt.I made us Weetabix,went out into the living room and sat down on the couch to watch tv.
Then Kellie asked me out of nowhere ''So who do you think pulled that prank on Natalie in Janice's party?''
''What prank?''
''The one where Natalie was shown on CCTV camera,stuffing her bra with tissues.''
I swallowed and my jaw dropped ''No way!'' I looked at her with utter disbilief.
''Yes way.Didnt you see the video tape?''
I sighed and said to her ''Nope,wasn't there.Oh,wish I was.''
''Okay,so it showed how Natalie was stuffing her bra with tissues,in the bathroom,and like,EVERYONE saw the video tape.And Natalie came back from somewhere with her drink,noticed the video,gasped and yelled 'Who did this?!'.Nobody came clean about it,but gee,was it funny seeing Natalie embarassed.Jess laughed so much I thought I was gonna have to call the emergency services.And anyways I mean,its about time Natalie got a taste of her own medicine.''
''Oh.my.God.I missed the best part of the party.Ohmygiddygodgodspijamas,how could I have been that stupid!And what medicine are you rambling on about?''
''Its a saying,Charlie.''
''Ohh.Right.I knew that,I mean what age do you think I am?''
''Well,I've known you since 4th class,so...'' she counted on her fingers then said to me ''I figure you must be atleast five.''
''Well you um...err...you figure wrong.Because Im 15.''
She stared at me for about 40 million years,then went back to watching tv.
''Charlie.''
Silence.
''Charlieeeee.''
Silence.
''Charliee!''
Silence.
''Charlie.Charlie.Charlieee.Shawly?Charlie.Charlie.Charleeeeeeeeeeee!Charlie.Charlie.Ceeeeee.Charlie.Charlie.Charlie.Charlie?Charlie.Cha-
''This better be good.''-I answered after she kept finished saying ''Charlie'' about 90 times.
''Dont you think its kinda mean how some girls arent allowed to have sex until theyre like,married?''
Oh,bring back the Stone Age.
01:25
We're still up.Doing the Loonieboogie.
''Your room walls are fully-c-c-cov-covered in posters.Therefore you-can't-have anymore.''-she stammered while having a head spaz.
''Yeah.Whats your point?''
''That you can't have anymore posters.''
''Okay,but whats your point?''
''I just told you the point.''
''Fair enough.''
01:30
I heard the front door opening downstairs.Maybe this time its a real serial killer.Kellie shut the door tightly and slid the bedside table under the knob.
Then we waited in silence.
''We're gonna die.''-Kellie whispered,her voice shaking.
I just glared at her and said nothing.God,she is so utterly pathetic.
Then there was a knocking at the door and Kellie gasped and covered her eyes.
Knock knock.
Uh-oh.
Knock.
''Charlie are you there?''-I heard my mum's voice behind the door.
''Oh-um yeah hold on.''
Kellie sighed with reliefosity and helped me put the bedside table in place.
I opened the door quietly and stood in the doorway.Mum's hair was messy and her lipstick was smudged.Erlack a-pongoes,she had been snogging someone.
''Mum,where the fresh hell were you?Its half 1 in the morning.''
''I know love,I'm sorry.I didn't realise it was so late.''
Then she noticed Kellie standing behind me probably looking like a startled owl,as usual.
''Oh,hello Kellie.''
''Hi Mrs.McKenzie.''
''Is Kellie staying the night?'-mum asked me.
''No,she just dropped by for a visit,at one am.''-I told her sarcasticly.
''Alright,well you both go to sleep now.''
''Sure,we will.'' I assured her and closed the door gently.
01:45
Kellie said to me,while we were on the bed painting our nails.''Luke is so gorgey.And hes a fab snogger,like,seriously.'' She rambled on about her boyfriend for about 60 million years.I was very nearly asleep really,so to show her I coulnt care less,I fell back on the bed and started snoring loudly.
02:19
Shes still rambling on.
02:20
Good grief.
02:25
I told her to put a sock in her mouth (literally) and shut up.She got all huffy knickers with me and said that I'm the one who always rambles on about Matthew.
02:30
As if.
02:31
He is rather fit looking though.
02:25
I wonder when he will call,so we can have a snogging fest.Shut up,shut up,brain!
02:30
Me and Kellie Welly are looking at mum's old Vogue mags.
02:40
There is rather alot of pictures of models in it,and ads,if I say so myself.
02:52
I said to Kellie ''Do you think Matthew will call me soon?I mean its been like 3 days already.Why do guys take your number and never call?''
''Well,maybe hes just er...shy...or something.Luke took my number and called me the next day.And we already snogged.''
I was suddenly vair unusually interested.
''Quel number have you gone up to?''
''Six.''
''Oo-er''
She went all red then.It's rather hilarious when Kellie goes all red.Then she started scratching the side of her nose which is what she always does when she's nervous or embarassed.It's trés annoying that I have to put up with it.
''Kellie?''
''What?''
''Don't make me slap you.''
She ignorez-voused me so I had to duff her rather savagely over the head with my pillow.
Oh how I laughed.
03:34
We decided to look out the window and see if we can spot anything interesting at half 3 in the morning.We saw many vair fascinating things.Like er...for example a dog barking its huge head off.The dog's body was teeny but its head was almost as big as Mary's bum.And that is giganticus.
03:45
Honestly.I'm not kidding.
04:17
Watching Dr Phil on TV.It's about some woman who has a fear of vegetables,so she can't eat them.Good grief.
05:00
Kellie thought it would be fascinating to go outside and pick leaves.I'd rather spend the whole day praying with Mary than go outside picking leaves with Kellie.
05:23
Outside picking leaves.
I said to Kellie ''Whats the point of this?''
''We can go and inspect them later,see if theres any interesting bugs on them.''
I said ''Yippeee!'' in the most sarcastic voice I could manage but she thought I was being serious and went away grinning like a madman.
06:00
Discussing the sitiuation of our school uniforms with Kellie.We have a hideous maroon,navy,yellow and white tartan skirt,marron socks,white blouse and a marroon jumper.Okay,so they're not THAT hideous but something has to be done about the skirts.Honestly.I mean look at poor Mary.Her skirt is practically dragging accross the floor as she walks,its that long.You can barely even see her shoes.Vair tragic indeed.
07:45
I don't think Im going to be asleep today at all.Yup,I'll just stay wide awake.Nobody can stop me from stay awake.Absolutely nobo-ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
16:10
Woke up at the sound of the phone ringing.I lifted my head up and realised I'd been sleeping with my head down on the kitchen table.Jas was snoring away with her head down aswell.
I got up dragged my feet across the floor then got to the phone in about 8 trillion years.
I picked it up.
''Helloo?''
''Hey Charlie.It's Matt.'' He sounded so gorgey.
I suddenly felt wide awake and cheery.
I said to Matt,trying to sound sexy and full of maturiosity ''Oh hey Matt.''
''Err,I was just wondering,do you want to go to Starbucks for a coffee later?''
By now I was in full jelloid knickers mode.
''Nnnghh.I-I mean,yeah,sure.'' So much for sounding sexy and full of maturiosity.
He said to me in his yummy scrumboes voice ''Great.Meet you at the clock tower at six,yeah?''
''Okay.''
''See you later then.''
''Bye.''
Then I hung up,raced over to Kellie and shook her awake.
''Kelliekelliekelliekellie!GUESSS WHAT!''
''Ghhnn.What?''
''Matt just asked me out!''
She opened her eyes fully and said to me ''Ohmygodgiddygodspijamas!!''