I do not own these characters.

May 15, 1998

It's been one of those things, you know? You're not really sure, a lot of running around with you head cut off. Everything now is like that- my head's cut off. After the battle, after the fatalities and the second chances at life and the…permanence of death, I don't feel peace.

Fuck. Am I suppose to?

What am I saying? It isn't "one of those things." Nothing is like this (except for this). How could anyone know what watching death, even for the sake of life, feels like unless they lived it?

Or died it.

Fred is gone. George is a shell of a human- I'm a shell of a human. But Harry's alive and… Hermione's alive. For Harry, death would have been understandable, for Hermione- I would never have forgiven her. It would be our longest silent treatment. Shit, she's probably be waiting for me in the afterlife just to roll her eyes and huff in my face! Ha!

But we would make up, as always, because, to be honest, I would cave. I would probably have died to hear her again- nagging me. I would've welcomed death, maybe even invited it, if she was gone.

Jesus, Fred would've shit a brick at reading this- torture me forever. I would willing take it, though. Then again, maybe, I would get really pissed and flustered, try and fight him, he would love that.

Fred, I'll make it easy for you, I'll walk into every trap, my face will turn red with every word, just for you.

June 15, 1998

I can't stay here anymore. The Burrow feels so small now; people are always here in and out constantly.

"Do you need anything Ron?"

"Anytime, Ron, anytime."

"Tears are the heart's spring cleaning, Ron"

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

For once, I want someone to come over and say "you know what, Ron, go fuck yourself. Just get over it already." Jesus, everyone's pure, kind hearts would explode and I could finally sleep.

But then the nightmares would come back.

I doubt it helps my parents, really. My mother always has a plastered smile on, graciously thanking all of those who wished it didn't happen, who pray for us, who will help with anything. But, really, no one can help.

Only time can.

The people aren't so bad, in truth. It's just, living here puts me in this weird purgatory between kid and adult. I watched people being killed around me, I killed, I listened to Hermione being tortured without a way to stop it...

To the burrow, I will always be little- and I wish I was. I wish I was still following around my mother, crying because of some stupid Fred and George prank. Fred, you would hate this, it's bullshit. I bet you were never in this purgatory (are you now?).

I told my mother I'm moving out, moving on. She was devastated; she can't understand, but Dad does. Harry said I could stay with him at Grimmauld Place, be there forever if I wanted.

We'll see.

July 15, 1998

I've been in here for a couple of weeks now. It's too depressing- too gray. But, it's better than the Burrow, better to be quiet- alone. Not to say that I don't hear from or see my mother every day, but that's to be expected. I think Harry is well, he won't show it though. Isn't that something? Harry has to fucking hide his pleasure because everyone is mourning. I'm not saying he's throwing a party at anytime, just he's, you know, happy excited joyous- fuck where's Hermione when you need her- relived, that's it.

Where is Hermione?

With her parents, that's right. She sends and owl every other day but they keep getting shorter. She doesn't have anything to say, none of us do. Still, the silence is nice, it's comforting somehow. She's coming tomorrow to visit, I hope she stays too- and then the gray may fade. We need each other, the three of us.

Aug 1, 1998

Hermione just left. I'm in a trance, I can't move, I can't feel.

Hermione stayed for a long time, almost a month. When she first came, she made everything so much better. The house was suffocating before and she performed the tracheotomy. Things got better for a little while, but not by much. The last night we were together, things changed.

We all ate dinner, Harry left to see Ginny or something, Hermione and I played wizard's chess. I don't know why we did that, she really never liked to play. But, I think we both liked it then, it was back to the troll-fighting days, when real evil didn't seem possible. I laughed for the first time in a while.

Then we sat and talked, not about Voldemort or the battle or Fred, just about nothing. Random shit that doesn't matter.

I was watching her laugh, watching her talk. I missed her, I think. Then, she touched me, my leg first, very innocent and shocks ran down to my toes. She did things like that a few more times- my calf, my shoulder, my chest, my thigh.

"Ron," she said, "you're really something" then she touched my cheek. I don't know what happened next, really, just that I was kissing her, our mouths frantically mauling each other. Her hands were all over me and mine where all over her. Suddenly we were half naked, she was topless- Jesus Christ I saw Hermione topless.

And she is perfect, oh my God, she's perfect.

I sucked her tits, she tasted amazing.

Then, I'm not sure, maybe our pants came next, or she touched me, or I touched her. Either way, soon enough, there I was being straddled by Hermione fucking Granger, we were sweating and moaning and screaming and coming. I've never felt so euphoric.

But I didn't know what to do. Should I say something sweet- I don't know how to say anything sweet. I can't tell her what she wants to hear, I know I couldn't. And all she said was "I'm going to go to bed, Ron, see you tomorrow." The next morning I still hadn't thought of what to say. Do I say "I love you" or not? Would she think I was being a dick, only saying that to make her feel better about fucking me on some old dusty couch in our friend's house a couple of months after the worst experience of our lives?

Fred, I…I…do love her, I think.

She didn't say anything about it; she acted like it didn't happen, so I did the same. Then she left.

And the house grayed again.

A/N: Yes, a bit depressing, but wouldn't you be? After this, everyone will start to live there lives again, but, will Hermione and Ron start something or not?