The adventures of Conan and Max
The First Adventure / The Wedding Adventure
Once upon a time in the land of misty satin dreams, Conan was very sad. He was so sad that he spent an entire week doing nothing but eating Jordan's pop-tarts out of an aluminum barrel, playing Halo 3 on the couch, and crying. Also cultivating an impressive patch of furry red beard. Max noted that Conan now looked like a fuzzy little Irish chipmunk… or a freakishly tall leprechaun.
While Conan was crying and playing Halo 3, he saw that Max was lollygagging next door with his brotha, Kazaam. Conan decided to go out and join them, but before he'd taken two steps, he tripped and snapped his carrot. He screamed and pulled it out of his pocket.
"I broke my vegetable, Max," Conan despaired. "That carrot was the only family I had." He stalked off to steal more food from Jordan and proceeded to cry hysterically and play more Halo 3. This would be the carrot's funeral. Conan carefully placed the broken carrot on the seat next to him where it had a great view of the shooting, and he tearfully commenced to shooting up robots and soldiers.
"Where my peeps at?" Kazaam asked.
"I don't know." Max replied solemnly. He got up and headed over to the sacred Halo couch to see what Conan was up to—and sat on the carrot with a loud crunch.
Conan screamed like a girl. "You broke her!"
Max stood up and craned his head backward, trying to see. The carrot had apparently lodged in his pants, and he danced frantically to try and dislodge it.
Conan slapped Max on the butt and the carrot went flying into the wall. He sat down and sobbed. "I don't even have any more pop-tarts!"
"That's okay Conesy," Max soothed. "We can go get some breakfast and everything will be okay again. Anything you want."
Conan sniffled a little. "You—you really mean it?"
--Later That Morning--
Carrot shenanigans aside, the day was going pretty well. For breakfast Conan had a beer and a piece of celery. Max had a cooked parrot and a gallon of Jordan's blood.
"We should head over to the grocery store and buy some more parrots and blood," Max decided.
"I don't want to go and get blood and parrots," Conan said. "That's your job. A woman's job!!"
Max gasped and immediately began crying like the woman that he secretly is. "Yes! Yes Conan, I will marry you!"
Conan's chest puffed up in ego. He was getting married! To a dude! How cool is that? he thought to himself.
Of course, he wasn't really certain how this had all come about. He just asked Max to go get the blood and parrots so they could have more breakfast. Still, getting married would be pretty awesome, Conan concluded.
They immediately sat down to make wedding plans. They would have a trampoline, and Jordan wouldn't be invited but they would use a quart of his blood in the wedding cake, and Conan's parents were going to be the flower boy and girl. How creepy.
"Maxikins?" Conan asked. "Could we have a chocolate cake with a photo of Pauly Shore on it?"
"Of course, Conuns," Max said. "I would never say no to you, unless it's got to do with you-know-what."
Conan didn't know what.
But alas, their perfect wedding was not to be! They decided to set the wedding in Argentina, and Conan overlooked one little detail: plane tickets.
They set off in their 1935 rusty jalopy, and puttered down the highway, blowing huge smoke-clouds in the face of anyone who had the misfortune to drive behind them. The car was also falling apart. Soon a crowd of hobos ran behind Conan and Max with garbage bags, eagerly making grabby hands at hubcaps and seat leather and scrap metal that fell off at every turn.
Conan and Max were oblivious to all this. They cuddled the entire way out the highway, and neither of them was driving. It was probably lucky that it was a mostly straight highway, and where it turned, the hobos inadvertently steered the car by grabbing at the sheet metal on the sides.
When they got off the highway, they were at the Jersey shore.
"How beautiful!" Max exclaimed.
They looked happily at the ocean sunset as they drove straight into the tide, and the water carried the car out to sea. Then Conan saw that the car was leaking and they drowned happily ever after.