Always Him

by leyton203

elena realizes that she's in love with damon, but that because she isn't willing to turn, she lets him go aka season 3 finale , and decides to be on her own, but then, because she and matt are driven off wickery bridge, she has no choice. but she's still traumatised by the choice having been taken away from her, and tries to live by herself.

My first attempt, so please don't be too disgusted

Elena had been contemplating a lot once she'd woken up in Matt's truck. She watched as trees green even in the dark of the night seemed to speed by in a blur of motion, much like one of her beloved vampires and attempted to come to terms with what she knew now.

Stefan and she had little or no future. She was not willing to turn, and there was no point in spending more of her time in a relationship which was not going to go anywhere. She loved him still, and it wasn't fair to him either to just string him along she was so much older that there was no turning back. She wanted children, and a family, and if she tried to fool herself that he could stay, and she could get artificially inseminated and have a child using a donor with brown hair and green eyes, hoping the child would look a bit like their child, she knew it would only lead to a world of misery for them. In that hypothetical world, they would have to keep moving every few years, and soon she would look like a cougar with an "arm-candy" husband, and not too long after that, their child and he would look close enough in age to be siblings, and given their choice of donor, would most likely look like his sibling as well. It wouldn't be right. She loved the concept of a human life with each having a beginning, middle and an end. Unfortunately completely at direct cross-purposes with a vampiric existence, considering theirs had the possibility of an eternity. Human life was meant to be brief, bittersweet and beautiful in its fleeting essence. A vampire's existence's beauty lay in its longevity. In its span across generations and continents, and throughout its course, exposure to discoveries, advances and many other beautiful facets of life on the planet. But human life was so much more precious. So tragic in how short it was, for no sooner had it begun that it ended. It was tragic in its fragility as well.

Fragility. Ever since Stefan's return, and his gradual reclaiming of his emotions, she had known that there was no future for them. How could a vampire so at odds with his control be close to a growing baby? How could he be there if and when she gave birth? When they had been together in the beginning, the way he was with her had made her believe it was possible. But it really wasn't. She knew now that the only salvation for him lay in an adoption of the Damon diet, so directly at odds with his own beliefs. But it was unavoidable, and crucial to his one day being able to control himself. Her one and only regret was probably that she would have aged beyond recognition before he had reached that point.

Damon. She loved him. She loved him with a consuming passion, and what possibly terrified her was that if they were to be together, there would be even less of an alternative to turning. To love Damon, and be able to give him all that he had craved his entire existence, to be chosen over others, to be chosen for love, and take it away from him if she were to die, would be beyond sadistic. She did not want to turn, yet if there was anyone who could convince her, it would be him. She could not choose him. That would mean in and of itself, choosing to turn.

They spoke. She convinced him that she could not unfall for Stefan. And she couldn't. She would always love Stefan, but comparing her love for the younger brother to what she felt for Damon was much like sitting in front of a warm fire, cuddled up In a blanket, and actually being submerged in the fire itself. She told him she couldn't think about forever, and it was true. A forever with anyone, alive, without him, would be torture. To not have his flirty looks, sarcastic teasing and all-in-all insane behavior not be a part of her life, would be impossible to bare in a vampiric existence. Thank god her life would be much shorter.

As the thought flitted across her mind, events took place on a scale of terrifying proportions, sped to the point that the concept of a human life seemed to have become very real right before her eyes. Not just the shortness of it, but the fragility as well. Being human meant that dying was possible at every turn, in every second of every day. But was that not why she had valued it so? Was that not why it was precious? But in those last moments, she refused to have her life chosen over another's. To continue living knowing that she had consciously chosen her life over Matt's. She asked Stefan to save Matt, hoping he would be able to make it back in time for her. If he wasn't, at least Matt would be alive.

She wished she'd told Damon she loved him. That if she had been willing to be a vampire, she would have chosen him. He deserved to be loved, and chosen over someone else, and she already had. He just didn't know. Now might never know. It could have always been him.

She gasped for breath, and sprung up with her arms on either side of her torso. She was dead. Wasn't she? She'd felt everything fade away. She'd felt herself stop breathing. And yet, here she sat, with Damon and Stefan standing on either side of her, matching concern in both their eyes. Only one mattered. Looking into his eyes she knew, if what she thought had happened had happened, it would always be him now.