i have thought that you have come back lately
to take my soul away from me
cause when I see you
you rip my heart out
[do you love me still – the kooks]
It starts off with a depressing, rainy and lonely night. James Cook was trailing along the empty streets of Bristol, smoking his last pack of cigarettes. He was nothing but a man full of grief and loneliness. The lonely nights he spent getting high off cocaine and weed, didn't do him any good. He always tried to hide his remorseful emotions by pulling off a strong character that didn't give a fuck about anything, but the boy who once was the life of the party, was not to be found anymore. He was nothing but a fucked up kid, and he knew so himself.
As James was walking by a bar, he saw someone he thought he once knew. The woman was laughing with a couple of her friends, but it looked as if she was forcing it – as if she didn't want to be there. James recognized the woman in an instant, and the memories came rushing back to him as if they never left him. It was Elizabeth Stonem, Just as James thought of her name; he could feel her soft lips on his, as if she never left him. He started to notice that she was saying her goodbyes to her friends and made an exit through the door. James then lowered his gaze to the ground, which seemed mildly interesting due to the amount of rain that splattered on it. He was praying to himself that Elizabeth won't notice him, he wouldn't be able to explain to himself why on that unpromising night he had to leave, run away, and leave everything behind. He hasn't been fine after killing someone. No one with a sorrowful conscience, like James', would be just fine after killing someone.
"Cook?" Where the words Elizabeth softly uttered as she was walking past him. James doesn't go by the name Cook anymore, it reminded him too much of his past and how much he wanted to escape it. But he couldn't. No one could, and that was the sad truth about it.
James' eyes, which were focusing on the ground, now met with Elizabeth's. She was standing right in front of him, with her hair flawlessly reaching her chest, and her iced blue eyes glowing with surprise. Elizabeth was wearing a little blue dress reaching her defined thighs with a black coat completing her simple, yet beautiful attire. "Fuck, she's beautiful" James thought to himself. The thought of her standing in front him after two years of not seeing her, excited him and his remorseful old soul.
"Effy." James uttered out carefully, not being too sure of what to answer back. Being able to say those four letters made James think of the times when he didn't have a care in the world. He thought about her a lot, like how she was doing or what her life is like now. He never completely moved on from her, he knew for a fact that when he'd see her again, he'd still love her. But – would she still love him? Or, in fact, did she ever love him?
"I haven't seen you for two years. Look at you, you changed so much." Elizabeth articulated in a surprised tone. "You look good yourself." James answered back. He could feel as if she didn't want to run into him but who could blame her? After all of the trouble he caused, the last thing Elizabeth wanted to do was run into him. After the death of James' best friend and Elizabeth's boyfriend, she had no one. The only person she could converse with was James – but he ended up leaving her. No, she never loved him. But he was her friend, and she needed her only friend in that time of despair. He wasn't there for her, and that shattered her – the only person who understood her wasn't there. Instead, James ran away… the only thing, which he was good at. He would fuck things up, and then run away.
The rain was taking a toll on the two of them, who were now soaking wet and almost shivering to death. Their whole encounter was an awkward silence – both thinking of the things they never said to each other, but wanted to. James was getting sick of thinking about the things he wanted to say to her, so he offered her some spliff. He took out his cigarette pack from his pockets, and gestured her to take one. Elizabeth gave him a dazzled look and responded, "I don't smoke spliff anymore. Sorry."
Upon hearing her response, James' face froze and realized that this was not the "Effy" he once knew. She became fragile, quiet and insecure. James' encounter with Elizabeth only lasted three minutes, however, he already knew her like the back of his hand. He observed her carefully and he noticed that she wasn't happy at all. She never was, especially not with James.
The truth was no one knew who Elizabeth was. She always pulled many different faces, always shadowing who she really is. Not even James, who thought he knew her better than anyone else did, could unravel her true identity to him, and that saddened him deeply.
It was still raining and James was sick of not being able to tell her what really was on his mind during these two years of not seeing her. Words have been left unsaid, for the worst.
Elizabeth and James, although there was an awkward silence between them, started to walk together, distancing themselves from the bar where James found her. James was unsure of what to say to her, where he would begin, if she ever or still loved him, if they could be together again… the list of things he wanted to say to her was endless. But this was "Cook" we were talking about – the man who thought so highly of his friend that he raised his fist at the man who murdered his best, and only friend. He had nothing to be afraid of, and certainly not rejection – from the only girl he ever loved.
While him and Elizabeth were walking, James decided to open his mouth and speak.
"Effy, I know it's been two years but just let me allow to explain myself. There are some things that you don't know." James uttered with a serious tone. He wanted her to know what was in the inner depths of his mind, the things he could never tell her – but now had the courage to. You see, James or "Cook" was never a sensitive character. He couldn't give a fuck about anything even if it was stealing his best mates' girlfriend. He was always the brave one, the bad boy… nothing could have ever hurt him. But they were wrong, Elizabeth, no – Effy, was the only person that allowed him to be hurt.
"What is it, Cook?" Effy asked in a concerned tone. She was curious as to what James had to tell her, yet she had a feeling this was going to affect her negatively.
The rain was finally starting to calm down, as only drops of rain rained down on both Effy and James who were still soaking wet. James was looking down the ground and clenching his fists while walking with Effy. He then decided to speak up and tell her everything that was on his mind.
"I am so fucking sorry for leaving without saying goodbye or a note, even, two years ago. It was a shit move and I'm sorry." James is now looking in Effy's piercing blue eyes while he's talking. "I've done something bad, something that I'll be haunted for forever. But that's not what I have wanted to tell you for the past two years." James lit up a cigarette and slowly exhaled the smoke out of his mouth.
Effy's glare was focused on James, who was still having trouble formulating what he had to say. She knew this was headed nowhere, she knew what he had to say. Effy knew what he'd done – he killed Foster. "Brave" she thought to herself the minute she found out what he'd done. She hated Foster for murdering the only light in her life – he deserved every bitter second that James smashedd his fist onto Foster's body.
"If I hadn't seen you tonight, I'd probably be fucked up by now – I'd drink three shots of vodka, three shots of tequila and god knows how many cups of beer I'd drink." James wasn't good with words. He always had to formulate himself with some sort of opening to make his point clear, even if it was talking non-sense.
"What'd you mean?" Effy asked in an uninterested tone. She didn't want to hear him say the words, not again, not now, not ever.
"Means I'm glad I saw you." James scoffed to himself, "No, means I still love you." James looked at Effy whose face was blank. No expression. No smile. No frown. No nothing. James could feel his chest tightening up just by the look of Effy's face. He knew it all now. She doesn't love him, never will, and never did.
Effy scoffed to herself, and coldly replied, "I have to go. Nice seeing you, Cook." And after finishing that sentence, Effy – no, Elizabeth, walked away from James. Elizabeth seemed like a cold person, yet she wasn't. Underneath her cold heart is a person who wants to love, who needs to love, to become better. The only man who could make her feel that way was gone, and she was empty. As much as she enjoyed being with James, she couldn't make herself love him.
Maybe they're just the type of people who are meant to be together but aren't meant to fall in love with each other.