The Adventures of Irene Adler: The Riddle of The Ring
Pausing momentarily to smooth the satin skirting of her dress, Irene Adler cautiously proceeded through the forest en route to Rivendale. For the past five months, Adler had been on a mission to find the legendary creature Golem, who had possession of The One Ring. With war brewing in Mordor, the ring had to be kept safe in good hands, and Adler had been dispatched by the great wizard Gandalf the Grey to retrieve The Ring and bring it to the land of Gondor. "Irene Adler never says no to a challenge" she whispered to herself, "Someone will have to try and pry The Ring from my dead lifeless fingers once I get it from that little imp!" Continuing down the winding dirt path, night began to fall, and Adler decided to stop and make camp before continuing on her way at dawn. She started a small fire and heated up some leftover rabbit stew and relaxed on her sleep pack with her warm tobacco pipe, mulling over the day's events in her head. How did Irene Adler stumble upon Middle Earth, you wonder? It all started after the photograph scandal...
"Very truly yours, Irene Norton, nee ADLER." Irene pursed her red lips and kissed the letter before sealing it, then quickly threw it down on the desk and got up to leave. Rummaging through her drawers for her scarf, she felt a hand suddenly grasp her shoulder, then cover her mouth to stifle her impending scream of surprise. "Shhhh, my sweet, do not be frightened." It was Godfrey. Tenderly turning her around, he continued, "my love, there is something I must tell you, but please don't be frightened. I...I am not of this Earth. I hail from a land in another universe known as Middle Earth, of which nobody on Earth has ever heard of. You have a special role to play in Middle Earth, and I was sent here to Earth to find you and bring you back with me, for you have a job to do." Adler stared at Godfrey, unable to speak, as he went on. "Irene, there isn't much time. I'll explain everything to you on the way there. But just so you know, you are originally from Middle Earth as well- you are part human, and part elf. Your human father of Middle Earth was one of the great kings of mankind, Isildor, and your mother a lovely elvish woman from Rivendale, Esmaldia. Your father killed the dark lord Sauran in a great battle for Middle Earth, yet failed to defeat Sauran's soul, which had been forged into an evil golden ring. Your father Isildor took the ring, and in turn it made him evil himself, until he was killed in a raid by orcs and the ring seemingly lost forever. Your mother, fearing for your safety, put you through a time warped black hole into the Milkyway galaxy, where you landed in Earth, and hence ended up in the orphanage, as you know. Ever wondered why you are so intelligent? How you managed to match the brainpower of Sherlock Holmes, one of the most intelligent humans to ever walk Earth? This is because you aren't one of them- you possess brilliance akin to the superior elvish race and human nobility! Now quickly, we must flee. Holmes will be here any second. We have much work to do, but most importantly, we must get you back to Middle Earth. You are our last hope."
Puffing her pipe, Adler pondered her next move. Tomorrow, she would reach Golem's cave by midday, and somehow manage to trick him into either giving her The Ring or giving away its location. "Maybe I can use good old Sherlock Holmes's methods he tried to use on me" Adler chuckled to herself. Suddenly, Adler heard rustling in the bushes nearby. Reaching instinctively for her rapier, Adler managed to grasp the sword just in time to deflect a throwing ax aimed at her head! Simultaneously, a group of nine goblins burst into her little camp from all sides, flanking her. Adler jumped up and charged the goblin to her immediate right, stabbing it through it's grotesque left eye. The goblin shrank back in pain, squealing like a stuck pig. She then swung her sword to the left, clashing swords with another goblin. Swinging her sword around, she masterfully unwound her sword and decapitated him in one swift sweep. Swinging her sword across her body, Adler proceeded to chop another two goblins in half as they prepared to stab her in the back. She then kicked the fifth goblin in his stomach, knocking him to the ground, and proceeded to stab him through his black heart. Adler stabbed the sixth goblin with her sword without even turning around as he came at her from behind, bleeding him out as he sank to his knees behind her. Pulling the bloody rapier out, Adler charged a seventh goblin in front of her, leaping through the fire and landing her sword right through his neck, his eyes widening in terror at his impending doom. Swinging around once more, Adler kicked the eigth goblin coming at her from behind into the fire, where he proceeded to cook like Sunday morning bacon, yelping in pain. The ninth goblin came at her from her right, flailing the battle ax that had narrowly missed her before. The weapons clashed as the two engaged in an all out struggle for survival. Adler prevailed, slicing the goblin, unseaming him from neck to naval as he sputtered to the ground before her. Taking a breath, Adler walked round the campfire examining the carnage. Just as she neared the end of the circle, one of the fallen grabbed her ankle, pulling her down to the bloodied Earth. Falling on her face, Adler squirmed on the ground to get away, desperately reaching for the dagger stashed in her left boot, kicking the goblin away as he clung on to her right ankle for dear life. Finally, she was able to grasp the steel blade, tossing it up from her boot into her free hand. Adler proceeded to stab the goblin through the head and then the neck, releasing pools of curdled blood all over her hands and body as he squealed in agony. At last, his grip went limp, releasing her ankle with one last gruff heave of life. Adler kicked his hand away, scrambling to her feet. "Ugh, bastards. They couldn't even wait until I brewed my bedtime tea, could they!"
At dawn the next morning, Adler awoke refreshed. She burned the dead carcasses in a small clearing, then proceeded on the path toward Golem's cave. As she predicted, Adler reached her destination around midday. The entrance to Golem's cave reeked of filth spanning generations, and leered at her ominously. "Here goes nothing" the brave adventuress exclaimed aloud, entering the dark cave apprehensively. She ventured down the winding, musty cave, lighting her path with a small vial of liquid, a magical elvish tool that Godfrey had gifted her for the quest before parting for his homeland of Gondor. Adler travelled through the cave for what seemed like hours until finally reaching a clearing which led into a huge cavern. Stalagmites rose forebodingly through the ground, beckoning her closer. Just then Adler caught a glimpse of the fabled creature Golem himself, rocking back and forth on a large boulder in the middle of the cavern, singing to himself a melody:
Of all the precious gems in the world,
Such a pretty sight never has been beheld,
From the finger the Dark Lord hurled,
My Precious that causes Golem's heart to swell!
"Ahem" Adler approached Golem, clearing her throat. The creature jumped up, scowling and clutching something, presumably The Ring in question, tightly to his chest. "Who goes there" he spat, "Show yourself!" Adler stepped out of the shadows into the dim light which shone through a small hole from the top of the cavern ceiling.
"My name is Irene Adler, and I am a traveller from the West. I've heard much about you."
"Golem does not wish to hold audience with strangers! What is your purpose in these parts, wanderer?"
"Please sir, I mean no harm. I'm simply an explorer seeking shelter from the elements."
"Golem does not like visitors. They usually come with a reason. You seem like a trixy one, yes Precious, she is a trixy one indeed."
"Me, trixy? Hardly. I am but a woman, without wit or power. How could I possibly be, as you say, trixy?" Adler held back a smile.
"Do you like riddles, Miss..."
"Adler. Irene Adler. Yes, I love riddles quite a lot in fact. What shall we set as a wager. By the way, what are you holding in your hand so dearly sir?"
Golem's expression darkened, "This is MY PRECIOUS. I finds it in this cave years and years ago."
"May I just see it? I am sure it's quite lovely" Adler inquired with wide eyes and a disarming smile, softening Golem's expression.
"Fine" the creature exclaimed, holding out the ring for her to admire as she stepped closer.
"My oh my, what a lovely ring you have there. What's say we wager it?"
"WHAT!"
"Now unless you are afraid to lose to a woman..."
With a sneer Golem gave in, "Alright Precious, we will put Precious on the line. What will you wager Miss Irene?"
"I shall wager myself, to be your personal companion in this lonely cave for twenty five years if I fail to win. Each of us must solve two riddles each, in the case we both win two, I volunteer myself to solve a third of your choosing. Sound fair?"
"No, I will solve the third riddle of your choosing if you think you're so smart Precious" Golem sneered. "Prepare to lose, Precious."
"Oh, I shall prepare alright. Let us begin. I'll start."
Clearing her throat, Adler proceeded on,
Day by day, I lounge outside and graze,
My body produces secretions that never cease to amaze,
I often find myself in a dull sort of daze,
My owner often bestows upon me heaps of praise,
And I am large enough to feed a family of five for days,
Who am I?
"Ha! That 'tis so easy, you simple woman you, yes Precious. You are a cow! Bovine, heifer, a cow! Yes, Precious. You can't get one past Golem, yes Precious. Now 'tis my turn, Precious."
Golem proceeded to clear his throat, hacking up some vile bile which he spat into a puddle to his left.
Melodic sounds announce my arrival periodically with a chime,
I have been celebrated throughout literature as nothing short of sublime,
To some I am keeper, yet I never had a father to call mine,
All who have attempted to halt my progression always fail to commit the crime,
Few in the universe possess power akin to thine,
Who am I?
"Hmmm, that is quite a difficult riddle indeed, Golem. Yet the use of the word "father" gave yourself away. Are you time?"
Golem gave an involuntary start at her guess, narrowing his eyes,
"Yes. How did you...? Gahhh, Precious is smarter than she looks, yes. Proceed on Precious, you won't do so well next time I promise, Precious. Yes."
"Well all right then, if you insist Golem. Let's see...
My hair is quite rough and course,
I am a powerful creature, filled with force,
Humans and elves alike often use me in their wars to enforce,
I have mighty strength of which humans do endorse,
Who am I?
Laughing, Golem quickly spat out the answer,
"Silly woman, you cannot fool me with these simplistic rhymes! Why, you are a horse!"
"Right again, Golem. Now it is your turn" Adler grinned.
Clearing his throat once more, satisfied, Golem went on,
I cannot speak nor eat,
I do not own two pairs of feet,
Aeolus at one time I did greet,
Penguins I do refuse to meet,
Slave to the elements I constantly seek,
Who am I?
"My, that is a hard one. Hmmm, I wonder. Aeolus? Greek god of...oh I can't place it!"
Golem snickered as Adler went on, "struggling."
"Wait a second" she exclaimed as his face fell, "Aeolus was, oh, he was the Earthling god of the winds, was he not! Why, you are wind!"
Golem snapped up from the boulder and proceeded to jump around the cavern angrily, muttering spurts of a language unknown to her, kicking stones, stubbing his toe on a stalagmite in the process and falling to the ground in pain.
"You trixy, trixy woman indeed, yes Precious, mighty trixy this one! Go on then, give Golem his last rhyme and we'll see how smart you is now Precious!"
"If you insist Golem" Adler said calmly.
My body is rather wide and thick,
Sometimes I can even be thin like a stick,
In history I am seen as conniving and slick,
My tongue is used to lie and trick,
You see me, you better run and hide quick,
Who am I?
Golem laughed confidently, exclaiming,
"Foolish woman! You think Golem cannot tell you are trying to be trixy once more! Making this rhyme so obvious! I sees right through you Precious, yes! But of course, you are a lying, deceiving dwarf, all of them 'tis lying fat little bastards, greedy for gold and always trying to steal Golem's Precious from him!
Adler smiled and said simply, "wrong answer. I am a serpent. A trixy, slimy serpent!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO" Golem exclaimed jumping up and down in anger, tossing the ring into a large puddle and charging Adler. Always one step ahead, Adler dodged Golem, deflecting his attack and using his weight to throw him over her shoulders onto his back. Adler quickly got on top of him, un-buckling her belt and restraining him with it, tying his hands behind his back. Golem wailed incessantly as Adler then proceeded to dive into the murky pool, retrieving the ring and placing it in her right breast pocket. Adler jumped out of the pool, gathered her items, and turned away from Golem toward the cave's exit.
"You, you trixy trixy woman, Precious, yes, mighty trixy. I will find you, yes, and my Precious. Thief! Trixy little thieving thing you, you, you woman!"
Adler turned at that, smiling her signature, sly little smile, before correcting him.
"I prefer, The Woman, if you will Golem. My name is The Woman to you."