DC: I don't own GW.
"Complicated"
*Uh huh, life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh, that's the way it is
Cause life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh that's the way it is*
Damn. Where are you?
I've wasted four hours away already just looking for you in this big hunk of metal in space. I want to see your sapphire eyes, those serene baby blue orbs, know through them that you're alright . . . but are you? And where are you?
A sob.
Did I hear what I think I just heard? It came from the hangar. Maybe you're in . . . I just have to go and check. There's nothing to loose anyway.
Running, I didn't stop even to catch my breath until I was in front of the huge thing. Yeah, you were there, inside of it. Sandrock.
*Chill out whatcha yelling' for?
Lay back it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
you will see
I like you the way you are
When we're drivin' in your car
and you're talking to me one on one but you've become*
Gundam 04's hatch was open and even though I can't see you, I know you're curled up in your seat and crying silently. It's no use how much you try to muffle the sounds. You know my heart will still hear them.
The zip cord wasn't drawn and its end hung limply a few feet above the floor. I didn't bother with it though, and leapt up to the platform, only to find you shivering inside the cockpit. You had your eyes closed shut, a hand grasping one of the straps as if it was a lifeline, so tight that circulation was cut off and your knuckles were hued blue. Your already pale face was drained of its color, leaving it a ghastly white, beautiful and enchanting yet startling and fearful. I felt a sharp pang of pain in my heart as it skipped a beat.
What's happened to you? Why are you crying? Are you alright? Quatre!
No matter how much I wanted to scream those questions at you, I held my mouth shut. I started reaching for you, but you suddenly looked up, and shame reflected in your eyes. You started backing away, fear gracing your facade and . . . guilt? That's when I realized that blood was smeared here and there. You were bleeding but I didn't know where.
"Angel? What happened? Why is there blood here? Are you alright?"
I asked them as soothingly as I can, but you won't give me any answer. The only move you made was to look away and break your eye's contact with mine. Don't you realize that in doing so, you also break my heart? Why are you refusing to look at me and let me comfort you?
"Tell me what's the problem, little one."
I implored you but you only shook your head. Again I tried to grab you and hold you against me, make everything fine for you, but you knew it was coming and you dodged my arms, slapped them away and yelled something at me. What that was is beyond me, but tears pooled in my eyes as well as in yours as the sound of your furious voice echoed in the desolate hangar, the hit you made to stop me from pulling you close not really painful, but stinging in its own way.
"Why?"
You just glared up at me and pushed me away. Bolting out of your seat and jumping down from Sandrock, you looked at me as I peeked out from your Gundam's cockpit, too shock to say anything.
"I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone, Trowa Barton!"
The moment I heard those words that were as cold as ice, I knew you meant it. I also knew something was definitely wrong and you won't tell me what it is like you usually do. I looked down as you started running out of the hangar, passing the Deathscythe and Heavyarms in your way, strips of bandages around your bleeding arm unraveling by themselves.
*Somebody else round everyone else
You're watching your back like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool you look like a fool to me
Tell me*
I have to get away from you. I ran towards a small nook unknown to both you and Duo and hid there. You mustn't see.
It hurts.
When I jumped to this scrap satellite that held our Gundams, I hit one particularly sharp rock. Fortunately, it didn't tear my suit, but as I took it off, I saw my pink left arm-sleeve tinted with red, blood from my bruise that has somehow worked itself into a long deep cut. I wince as I clean it now, trying to tighten the bandages that had come undone and allowing the pain that no one would ever see to be evident upon my face. I whimpered.
If Wufei can see me now, he'll probably kill me for being so weak. I cannot be this pathetic! It's just a single welt. For Pete's sake, I've suffered a lot more than this!
But it's just not the wound, not the bleeding, painful cut. The searing pain that my arm was feeling isn't what brought those tears, it's the thought of leaving you . . . Trowa.
Before I got here, in those long hours we waited to catch up with this scrap satellite, Rashid told me of what will happen to me after the war. He was so happy while he said that I'd be able to finally take over my father's responsibilities, being his only son, and the true destined heir to the Winner properties. I protested, saying I'm not yet ready, but he replied otherwise and said that I have been through a lot already to be capable enough of being in charge of the family's business. I didn't mind much, but then he started on speaking of how the corporation will prosper under my leadership and the next heir, my son, would be . . .
Being done with binding my arm, I punched the metal wall in front of me. Little cuts appeared on my knuckles and they soon bled, but I didn't care, as long as I could pour out my frustration over that part of the conversation that followed.
And the next heir, my son, would be as clever and as lenient as I am and everything would go fine with his time too. Something, no, someone entered my mind then, you, and since Rashid didn't know I'm in love with a man, someone who cannot reproduce a heir with me, I asked vaguely what would happen if I don't fall for any woman and fail in producing a heir to our family's estates.
What a mistake. I could have postponed knowing had I kept my mouth shut.
Rashid just laughed and clamped a hand on my shoulder. Came next the horrifying words I never expected to hear: "You're bestrode, Quatre. Have you forgotten your old childhood sweetheart back at L4? You'll be marrying her when you've reached the right age."
I hope Rashid didn't see the color drain from my face then, and the shaking of my hands. I just nodded my head and excused myself to my room, where I cried the rest of the hours away.
I changed into a long-sleeved white shirt and, making sure no traces of tears - or blood - were on me, I retreated from the dark corner slowly. I made my way back to the satellite's main control room where Duo, and maybe even you, awaited me. My hands clenched at my sides as the thought of parting with you passed through my mind again.
I have to start being cold towards you now. It's the only way not to break your heart with the truth that I'm bound to someone else. I have to prepare you, and this is the only way. I have to do this. For my family and its name and honor, for everyone. The two of us cannot be so selfish as to make others suffer just for us to be together . . . I just hope my own heart doesn't give up.
*Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
And you fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty
and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
no no no*
"At least we have somewhere to go home to, right?" Duo asked, as the last of the flames that consumed what had once been our Gundams died out, leaving a charred grass field in front of us.
"You're right," I answered, an unusual thing for me to do seeing I'm always the silent one among us. I took a side-glance at you. You were silent, your eyes staring at the spot where your Sandrock stood a moment ago, like you were thinking of something.
Duo then started walking away, he said Hilde would be waiting for him at the L2 colony. You waved back at him, but still refused to meet my gaze.
I grabbed you by the shoulders and pushed you against a tree as soon as ex-pilot 02 was out of sight. You've been avoiding me ever since that incident at the hangar and now, you're looking up at me coldly.
"What are you doing?" you rasped in a harsh note, trying to break free but in vain since I was bigger and stronger than you. "Trowa let go of me. I have many things to do and think about."
I kept my hold on you and tried to find in your blues the cause of your odd behavior. I wasn't able to read anything, as you closed your eyes quickly, not allowing me to see. Giving up, I too closed my eyes and took the chance to cover your lips with mine.
For a moment there, I really thought my old angel was back, as you melted into the kiss and allowed my tongue into your mouth. Your own brushed soothingly against it, your hands locking at the back of my neck. Mine let go off your shoulders and I lowered my arms just enough so I could hold gently onto your thin waist.
The moment I did though, you pushed me away and I wasn't the least expecting it that it took me a few moments to realize what you have done. You were wearing a scowl, but you forgot to hide your eyes, and they told me you felt otherwise. I tried to reach for you again and managed to brush a strand of blonde hair back, before you sidestepped from between the tree and me and stood away.
"I have many things to do," you repeated in the same frigid tone that sends shivers up my spine, crossing your arms in front of your chest. "I need to . . . get out of here . . . leave."
"What is there to do?" I asked bewilderedly, confusion gracing my usually blank features. "Quatre, we have all the time in the world now. The war is over. Stay with me."
"No!" you shouted, starting to back away. "Trowa, we had 'more' time during the war. I'm Quatre Raberba Winner, the son of the late Master Hadrac Winner."
I didn't understand what you were talking about. Even if you were to give me an eternity then and there, I wouldn't have understood what's the connection, the logic behind it. That was how confused I was, confused and hurt from your words. Statements that indicated you were leaving me. But I didn't understand and it's that simple. "So what?" I didn't have to, you were going to explain it to me yourself.
"I am the new Master Winner," you said, your voice cracking and I caught a glimpse of your shaking hands before you hid them away. "I'm the sole male heir. I have to face who I really am, and the duties that comes with it."
"So what?" I repeated dumbly. I just can't comprehend what you're trying to tell me. Take pity on me, Quatre, just say it straight. If you're going to leave me, just tell me. You need not make excuses, or lie, I can see past them. For instance, so what if you're your family's heir? That won't affect the love I have for you, we can still be together . . . so stop following this tack because it won't work! Just tell me you're leaving me and end my life swiftly . . .
"Trowa, I -" you struggled for words, but it seems you can't say anything. The lameness of your excuse must have probably hit you, as tears formed in your eyes. Yes, maybe this will be hard on you too. But at least you know why you're leaving me . . .
"Tell me the reason!" I cried, almost pleading for you to do so. Tears streamed down from my emerald eyes that are often void of any emotions. I just can't believe you're leaving me like this, something must be wrong. Tell me, please.
"I have to leave!" And you ran away, without giving me anything to grasp on.
[Trowa, I can't! The fact that I'll be with someone else will destroy you! Just pretend this is really the way it is, that I'm leaving you . . . with no reason.]
*You come over unannounced
dressed up like you're somethin' else
where you are and where it's at you see
you're making me
laugh out when you strike your pose
take off all your preppy clothes
you know you're not fooling anyone
when you've become*
You left me with nothing.
I spent the rest of the day in that place, crying my heart out. The pain was just too strong, too intense that I even thought of killing myself as I held in my hands the old gun I used as an Oz soldier. But I couldn't. I know you love me still, but why do you have to leave me?
I lost track of the time, my tears just continued to fall on and on. It started raining, I didn't care, but the thought that I need to live on so you could have someone to return to someday gave me a reason to prolong my life. Standing up, I contemplated on where I'll go.
When I answered Duo earlier that I have a home to return to, I was thinking about you. I always thought we'd be together after the war. That is, if the war will ever end and if both of us are still alive to see peace. I've sworn to kill myself the moment you die and then join you wherever you go. Though I doubt it if I'll be allowed in heaven where you're going . . . now is the time I always thought of, dreamed of, but you're gone . . .
I decided to stay at the circus. Catherine would be there, she will somehow ease my pain. My sister can look out for me while the one I love above all is away . . . tears again pooled in my eyes . . . away . . .
I flew to the L3, having heard that that was where the circus troupe was currently staying. It felt good, being back in my home colony, but not as good as it would have felt with you. I walked towards the tent. There was Catherine at the entrance, smiling at me. I put an arm across her shoulders, the other holding my bag that was slung over my back, and led her inside.
Everyone welcomed me back. No one was surprised or daunted. Odd. The troupe has gone used to it, maybe even the animals have sensed it by now, the fact that I'm a soldier.
I leave and come back. Just vanishes without a trace and reappears after a few days, weeks, or months, who knows?
But it's been two years already since I have last walked out on them. I've been leading a life behind the doukeshi mask for two years now.
Two years since the last time I have piloted Heavyarms, two years since I have last fought . . . two years have passed without me catching a glimpse of you.
I stood up after making sure the lions had their fill and walked back towards my trailer. Catherine was inside, per usual when it's her spare time, and looked up at me when I entered. She was grinning, I wonder why?
"Why are you grinning? I asked in my quiet, serious way, taking the hand she was extending towards me and sitting down besides her.
"Because I know you'd like to see this," she replied, pointing at the television screen. "It's been ages since you have last seen him, maybe. When he came to take you away all those years back when you had amnesia, I never guessed he was Quatre Raberba Winner, the heir of the Winners."
I was checking if Catherine was hiding any daggers, she likes threatening me with them as a form of teasing, not that it ever worked. My head snapped up at her words, and I stared at the screen. You were sitting there, your usual polite, cheerful smile gracing your features, Relena and other people sitting around the table with you. My emerald eyes scanned them, and I decided they were pacifists. All of you are.
"You never mentioned him as Master Winner," Cathy continued accusingly. "Maybe you have, but I don't exactly recall . . ."
"I haven't," I answered, cutting her off. I felt her gaze on me as I walked towards my bed and lay down, turning away from her.
"Trowa, is something wrong?" she asked, turning off the TV and getting up. "What is it? Is it about Master Winner?"
"No, it's nothing, Cathy," I replied, still looking away. "Quatre's . . . never mind. Just . . . just leave me alone, please?" At these words, I felt her nod and leave.
What have you done to yourself? You try to look happy, at peace, and I guess you're fooling everyone. Everyone except me, the one person you can never deceive. That suit you're wearing and that smile, they don't fit you. I can feel your pain and it hurts so much. You try and live that life, but we both know that that isn't what you want. Why don't you just come back to me? You don't belong there.
It hurts, Quatre, it hurts. I long for you so much . . .
*Somebody else round everyone else
Watching your back, like you can't relax
Trying to be cool you look like a fool to me
Tell me*
"Say 'hello' for me to Zechs and Noin when you get back to the Sank Kingdom, will you?"
"Sure. It was nice seeing you again. Bye, Quatre," Relena answered, waving as she got into her pink car.
"Yeah. Be careful on your way to Earth, Relena. Farewell," I said, closing the door for her. With one last smile at me out of her window, the vehicle sped off towards the airport.
My house wasn't really that far from the meeting hall, so I decided to just walk to it. I'm finally alone. Unlike the rest of them, I didn't belong at that meeting. I've got my hands heavily bloodstained and had destroyed an entire colony without any remorse in the past. A pacifist, huh? Reckon the number of people theirr bodyguards have killed altogether and I'm pretty sure I've murdered more . . . I guess I can wipe this smile off my face now, the cameras are no longer focused on me.
When have I become such a fake? I barely lied in the past and the others tell me I'm sincere in everything I say or do but now . . . I've become spurious, a fraud. Funny. It seems I'm so good at deceiving people, even Relena doesn't notice, but I've never done it before in my life. That's because I never had to . . .
Spotting me, the guard fiddled around with some buttons and opened the brass gates. I walked in and made my way to the house, passing the scarlet Ferrari parked in front of it. I was going to use it to get to the meeting this morning, but opted not to at the last second. I have to remember to ask someone to drive it to the garage.
One of the servants opened the door for me from the inside, bowing a bit and smiling at me. I smiled back at her and started to make my way to my room when I heard her say something.
"Master Quatre, Master Heero just called. He said it was important and implores you to call him back."
"Thanks, Melody," I replied, flashing her another smile. Whether these smiles at home are feint or not is beyond me though. "Oh, and can you ask Matt to move the Ferrari to the garage for me?
"Sure," she answered brightly as I gave another nod and continued my way down the hall. Up the grand staircase, past corridors, rooms, chambers, and halls, I finally ended up in front of my room.
I went in, threw off my suit into the laundry bin and changed into a pair of jeans and a pale pink shirt. Strange. I still wear pink for some reason. Someone used to say I look good in pink . . . I shook my head. Memories of you came fleeting past and I don't want to distract myself now, I need to do something first.
I turned on the vid-phone and tried to contact 'Master Heero'. Static showed on the screen and Duo's pre-recorded voice on the Perfect Soldier's answering machine blared out of the hidden speakers. "Yo! God of Death here! Heero's out and killing someone or maybe he's just ignoring you per usual! ('Oh don't glare at me like that, Hee-chan!' he said to someone who must have been a very pissed Heero giving him 'the' look) Anyway, who's this and what's up?" I grinned and left a message to call me back.
I sighed and wearily walked over to the bed and lay down. With nothing to do now, I can think about you. No, that's not quite true. I have tons to do, sheaves and piles of paperwork are strewn all about my desk. Suggestions, demands, inquiries and reports stacked high on the floor. I sighed. I have so many things to do, but I can't work on them now, I can only think about you.
Trowa. I wonder what happened to you. You never once tried to contact me and even though I can feel your sadness, I cannot tell where you are. Oh Trowa! Where are you?! I need you now by my side! I'm so tired already . . . so tired . . . I can't take this anymore!
I shook my head and tried to rid of these thoughts, but can't.
Every night I scream these words in my mind, trying to get them through to you. My helpless pleads that you never seem to be able to hear . . . not that I'd like it if you could hear these pathetic cries. If you were able to, I'm sure you'd come rushing here, trying to comfort me, but you can't. You mustn't. And I have to bear this alone . . .
For if you do come here, I'll just yield to your touch and melt under your gaze. I'll fall for you again, not that I ever stopped loving you, and be lost in the beauty of your dark emerald eyes . . .
I can't!
I mustn't! I have someone else now that I'm destined to love . . . and everything depends on me! If I escape now . . . no, there's no running away from this. If I just walk out, everything my father, late Master Hadrac Winner, and all the other past 'Master Winners' have worked so hard for will be gone . . . to leave now would be a disgrace to the family, my sisters will be ill-thought off and so will be the rest of our children and their children . . . the companies will be destroyed and that can't be for many depend on it, my dear sisters, several foundations and movements towards absolute pacifism . . . I can't go, but . . .
I love you, Trowa.
*Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
and You fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into
honesty
promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
no no no*
I guess I fell asleep from exhaustion over the meeting. I don't know, I'm not sure, maybe. All I know is that I was woken up by the sound of the constant beeping of my private vid-phone. My mind was still hazy from sleep and I half-listened as my answering machine finally kicked in and answered the call.
"This is Quatre. I'm sorry but I'm doing something very important and am not able to entertain you. If you could leave a message for me, I'll get back at you as soon as I'm done here."
"Hey, Kat."
Duo's cheery voice 'really' woke me up. I threw off the sheets and stumbled out of the bed to look at the vid-screen showing a grinning Shinigami and Heero somewhere behind him.
"Can't believe you're working already - or worse - you're out of the house and at your job. You're tiring yourself to death, man. Aw, shit! Come on, Kat, answer the phone if you're there. 'Tis is important, you know?"
I decided not to answer and see for myself what's up. Duo tends to label anything and everything as 'important' or as an 'emergency' just to get our attention or get us all worked up. Most just ignore his antics, he's used to getting no response to his non-stop chatter anyway.
But then Heero pulled him back and stood in front of their vid-screen. I snapped to attention and my hand drifted towards the answer button on reflex. It hasn't reached it yet however, when Heero's cold voice rang throughout the room.
"Quatre, listen, it's Heero. This is not really important ('Heero, it is!' Duo persisted in the background) but I need your answer right away. Noin and Zechs are planning a surprise birthday party for Relena. We don't know where else to hold it except at your place since the princess (he said it with a bit of exasperation: prin'cess') practically knows every nook and cranny of the Sank Kingdom by now. They asked Duo and me to ask you. It'll be just 'us'. What do you think? Call us back, okay?"
The vid-phone went blank before I could push the button. I lowered my hand and walked back towards the bed slowly. I lied down, thinking vaguely of having a day off, my mind screaming in joy that the whole group will be reunited at this party, for sure.
But something was not right, and my subconscious insisted that I notice it . . .
If 'everyone' is going to be there then that means . . . you'll be there too, Trowa.
*Chill out whatcha yelling for?
Lay back, it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see*
Everyone was present, sitting around the living room, which seemed comfortable enough despite its exquisite furnishings and elegant design. Heero and Duo, Wufei and Sally, Noin and Zechs, Relena, Lady Une, even Marimea was there. I scanned the room and noted quite defiantly that someone's amiss.
Damn. Where are you?
"Trowa, glad you can come." Zechs greeted me, one of his hands loosely around Noin's waist, the other protectively around his sister's. I strode over to them, not bothering to let show on my face any emotion since they're used to it anyway.
"Of course," I answered shortly, extending a hand and giving Relena a gift. She smiled and jumped up to give me a friendly peck at the cheek. I sort of nodded my head and, with my face still void of feelings, turned to Duo who was sitting right next to them, on Heero's lap. "Uh, Duo, have you seen Kat?" It felt strange to say your nickname again. Even though I moan it practically every night in pain, this was the first time I've 'really' said it for two years.
Duo just raised his eyebrows at me like the answer would have been all but too obvious. I just stared back at him, trying hard not to loose patience and glare since the Perfect Soldier, his lover, was looking at us with rapt attention. He lifted one shoulder in a slight shrug. "He stayed with us for a while, but left about a half hour before your arrival. Working per usual. Upstairs, in his room."
I mumbled an almost inaudible 'thank you' and rushed for the stairs. My appearance and disappearance in the room didn't seem to mind any, and the former easy chatter continued, the fact is that it hasn't even stopped in the first place. I looked up and down the halls from where I stood at the landing, trying to remember where your room was. It finally retreated from the past, dark recesses of my mind and out where I can think of it. I was just about getting ready to dash again when I heard it.
A sob.
Did I hear what I think I just heard? It was exactly like the last time, when you were crying in Sandrock. Finally snapping out of it, I continued down the maze of a house you've got and stopped in front of your room. Yes, you were crying in there. I hesitated for a moment and leaned against the mahogany door. I closed my eyes and tried to think.
Would you shut me out like the last time? Hurt me and then leave me?
I don't care! I just want to hold you now, make you fine, and know what has been going on.
I entered your room.
*Somebody else round everyone else
You're watching your back, like you can't relax
You're trying to be cool, you look like a fool to me
Tell me*
I drank in the scene that lay before me. You were lying on your bed, curled up into a ball, your face buried on your pillows. My glance shifted to the side briefly, taking note of tons of papers there on your desk, and quickly shifted back to you. You don't seem to have heard me come in, or notice me standing there at all. The sobs shaking you . . .
I made my way quietly towards you. Sitting on your side, I gathered you in my arms in one swift move. I thought you'll pull away and scream, or something, like you did before, but you didn't. Instead, you lay your beautiful blonde head on my chest and held on tight.
"Hush. Quatre, what's the matter?" You're really starting to scare me. I may not be as 'sensitive' to others' feelings as you are, but I certainly am to yours. And what I feel is pain and fear.
"Trowa, I-" like the last time, you abruptly stopped. But unlike the last, I have you in my arms now. I'm not letting you slip away that easily.
"What, Kat, tell me? Why are you crying?" You tightened your grip on me and I stroked your beautiful white-gold mane. No need to be afraid. Tell me what's wrong. "Hush. Calm down, little one. You can tell me."
"I can't!" Your voice was as pained as if you were being tortured. My heart felt like being slowly torn apart. Gods, Kat don't this to us. You're hurting us both.
A teardrop. I finally broke down and cried. "Kat, tell me, please."
"Trowa, I love you."
"I love you too, Angel."
"But we shouldn't."
I was slightly taken aback by your statement. Something must really be disconcerted here. You never ever said that. Not in the whole time we've been together, because you've been happy. You've made 'me' happy.
"What are you saying? Why shouldn't we, Quatre? Why shouldn't we? You know very well that I-" My words were stopped as soft lips engulfed mine. Your dazzling blue eyes were staring straight at me, willing me to stop. I did and let myself be lost in the sweetness of that single kiss, your lips as delicious as I remember them.
You finally pulled away and I felt like I just had a couple of shots of wine. My world was spinning, but I held onto you still. I feel you snuggle closer into me, and then hear you sigh.
"Trowa, I miss you so much."
"As I to you. I know, Kat."
"We can't be together," you said and looked up at me again. Your eyes were filled with tears and they flowed down your cheeks at your next words. "I have to stay here, stay away from you."
"What?" My ears must be deceiving me, but one look at your face and I know it's true. "Why?"
"Because if I don't . . . if I don't then there would be no one left in charge in here. I'm the sole heir and I have to work," you explained, pointing at the desk across the room. "It's tiring. I'm so exhausted from everything already, Trowa . . . I just want to go away from here . . . " You started sobbing again.
"Then I'll take you. We can run away," I said, brushing my lips on your cheeks tenderly. "Quatre, come with me. You know you'll be happier with me. Let's go."
"No," you answered sharply, but tilted your head to the contact of my lips against your pale cheeks and closed your eyes. "If I don't work, our properties will go haywire and everyone who depends on our businesses will have nowhere to turn to. I'm tired but I just have to go on."
"So what does that have anything to do with us? We can still go on as before . . . or do you mean I distract you in your work?"
"No, you don't understand!" you screamed and started weakly hitting my chest with your balled-up fists. It didn't hurt a bit and I didn't try to stop you as tears continued to flow from both of our eyes. "I have to do this! I'm tired already and I'm hurting but I have to go on. Why did I have to be the heir of the Winners? . . . Why did I have to meet you and love you?!"
I caught both of your wrists in mid-punch at those words. I leaned down and kissed you gently on the lips. You stopped struggling after a while and I looked into your eyes. "What's the matter? Tell me 'why'. What's wrong?"
*Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
and you fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into
honesty
promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
no no no*
You asked me why. What should I say?
"Trowa . . ." I gave you a kiss more passionate than the one you gave me, before withdrawing my head and telling you. "Trowa, I'm bestrode to someone else. I'm going to marry someone I don't love. I'll be with one who is not you."
"Wha-what?" Understanding replaced the confusion that had masked your beautiful green eyes during the silence that followed and, surprisingly, your tears stopped. "Why? Kat, why?"
I felt like my heart being wrenched at the sound of your voice. I want to look away but you held my face gently in your hands and made me look straight at your eyes. I couldn't decide whether to speak or not, I'll moan out either in pleasure or in anguish the moment I open my mouth. So I kept it shut.
"Why?" You asked again. Now tracing my jaw line with a finger. It felt so good, the contact, the feel of your hands, to have you touching me again, the first time I've really been happy and relaxed in over two years. "Why?"
I tried to speak, but I felt that no words would come out. I shook my head free from your caressing hands and buried them against your chest, trying to muffle the moans and sobs. I managed to calm down after a while though, and looked up to see you gazing at me worriedly.
"Because . . . because I need a heir for all of this. You know that the only one who can inherit these properties is my son . . . and I need to have a 'real' son and raise him in a 'real' home, with a 'woman', my wife . . . aside from my son, the only one who can take over for me is the eldest son of my sister and that is if I die now . . ."
"But you can't die."
"Yes. It's either marriage or death. Leaving is not an option." At those words, it hit me. Why not just die? They can pull it off as an accident, no one will even think of saying I've committed suicide . . . I'd rather end my life than betray you . . . "Listen Trowa, you better go. I'll be down in a minute. I just need to check over a few documents." Before you can reply, I reached up and pulled your head down towards mine, kissing you savagely on the lips, longer this time, mesmerizing how warm they feel against mine.
"Alright, Kat." The last kiss seemed to have calmed us both and free your mind of suspicions over what I'm to do. "We haven't decided yet of what to do now, but I'm relieved you finally told me what's wrong. I'll wait for you downstairs." You gave me a brief kiss and left.
This is the only way out. I'll just have to kill myself. I'll wait for you in the place where I am going. This is how much I love you. I'd rather die than get married to some woman and spend the rest of my life without you. Good-bye, Trowa.
I cocked the gun and pulled the trigger. I smiled. This is it. I love you.
And everything went black.
*Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like your somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty
promise me I'm never gonna find you fake this
no no no*
I don't think you realized I knew of your plan. I didn't try to stop you, I know I won't be able to, I can feel the determination in your heart. You'll just deny it and go through with it when I've left you alone anyway.
I closed the door shut as I went out, and leaned on it. Shuffling feet towards the direction of the desk, soon I heard your pistol go off. I barely took notice that the conversation downstairs suddenly hushed to silence as the sound of your death echoed in the house. I took my own gun and pressed its end against my temple. The last thing I was aware of before I pulled the trigger was 'everyone' coming into view.
A last glimpse of Heero, Duo, Wufei, Sally, Zechs, Relena, and Noin. I'll be there soon, Kat. Wait for me.
And everything went black.
~ End (finally!) ~
"Complicated"
*Uh huh, life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh, that's the way it is
Cause life's like this
Uh huh, uh huh that's the way it is*
Damn. Where are you?
I've wasted four hours away already just looking for you in this big hunk of metal in space. I want to see your sapphire eyes, those serene baby blue orbs, know through them that you're alright . . . but are you? And where are you?
A sob.
Did I hear what I think I just heard? It came from the hangar. Maybe you're in . . . I just have to go and check. There's nothing to loose anyway.
Running, I didn't stop even to catch my breath until I was in front of the huge thing. Yeah, you were there, inside of it. Sandrock.
*Chill out whatcha yelling' for?
Lay back it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
you will see
I like you the way you are
When we're drivin' in your car
and you're talking to me one on one but you've become*
Gundam 04's hatch was open and even though I can't see you, I know you're curled up in your seat and crying silently. It's no use how much you try to muffle the sounds. You know my heart will still hear them.
The zip cord wasn't drawn and its end hung limply a few feet above the floor. I didn't bother with it though, and leapt up to the platform, only to find you shivering inside the cockpit. You had your eyes closed shut, a hand grasping one of the straps as if it was a lifeline, so tight that circulation was cut off and your knuckles were hued blue. Your already pale face was drained of its color, leaving it a ghastly white, beautiful and enchanting yet startling and fearful. I felt a sharp pang of pain in my heart as it skipped a beat.
What's happened to you? Why are you crying? Are you alright? Quatre!
No matter how much I wanted to scream those questions at you, I held my mouth shut. I started reaching for you, but you suddenly looked up, and shame reflected in your eyes. You started backing away, fear gracing your facade and . . . guilt? That's when I realized that blood was smeared here and there. You were bleeding but I didn't know where.
"Angel? What happened? Why is there blood here? Are you alright?"
I asked them as soothingly as I can, but you won't give me any answer. The only move you made was to look away and break your eye's contact with mine. Don't you realize that in doing so, you also break my heart? Why are you refusing to look at me and let me comfort you?
"Tell me what's the problem, little one."
I implored you but you only shook your head. Again I tried to grab you and hold you against me, make everything fine for you, but you knew it was coming and you dodged my arms, slapped them away and yelled something at me. What that was is beyond me, but tears pooled in my eyes as well as in yours as the sound of your furious voice echoed in the desolate hangar, the hit you made to stop me from pulling you close not really painful, but stinging in its own way.
"Why?"
You just glared up at me and pushed me away. Bolting out of your seat and jumping down from Sandrock, you looked at me as I peeked out from your Gundam's cockpit, too shock to say anything.
"I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone, Trowa Barton!"
The moment I heard those words that were as cold as ice, I knew you meant it. I also knew something was definitely wrong and you won't tell me what it is like you usually do. I looked down as you started running out of the hangar, passing the Deathscythe and Heavyarms in your way, strips of bandages around your bleeding arm unraveling by themselves.
*Somebody else round everyone else
You're watching your back like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool you look like a fool to me
Tell me*
I have to get away from you. I ran towards a small nook unknown to both you and Duo and hid there. You mustn't see.
It hurts.
When I jumped to this scrap satellite that held our Gundams, I hit one particularly sharp rock. Fortunately, it didn't tear my suit, but as I took it off, I saw my pink left arm-sleeve tinted with red, blood from my bruise that has somehow worked itself into a long deep cut. I wince as I clean it now, trying to tighten the bandages that had come undone and allowing the pain that no one would ever see to be evident upon my face. I whimpered.
If Wufei can see me now, he'll probably kill me for being so weak. I cannot be this pathetic! It's just a single welt. For Pete's sake, I've suffered a lot more than this!
But it's just not the wound, not the bleeding, painful cut. The searing pain that my arm was feeling isn't what brought those tears, it's the thought of leaving you . . . Trowa.
Before I got here, in those long hours we waited to catch up with this scrap satellite, Rashid told me of what will happen to me after the war. He was so happy while he said that I'd be able to finally take over my father's responsibilities, being his only son, and the true destined heir to the Winner properties. I protested, saying I'm not yet ready, but he replied otherwise and said that I have been through a lot already to be capable enough of being in charge of the family's business. I didn't mind much, but then he started on speaking of how the corporation will prosper under my leadership and the next heir, my son, would be . . .
Being done with binding my arm, I punched the metal wall in front of me. Little cuts appeared on my knuckles and they soon bled, but I didn't care, as long as I could pour out my frustration over that part of the conversation that followed.
And the next heir, my son, would be as clever and as lenient as I am and everything would go fine with his time too. Something, no, someone entered my mind then, you, and since Rashid didn't know I'm in love with a man, someone who cannot reproduce a heir with me, I asked vaguely what would happen if I don't fall for any woman and fail in producing a heir to our family's estates.
What a mistake. I could have postponed knowing had I kept my mouth shut.
Rashid just laughed and clamped a hand on my shoulder. Came next the horrifying words I never expected to hear: "You're bestrode, Quatre. Have you forgotten your old childhood sweetheart back at L4? You'll be marrying her when you've reached the right age."
I hope Rashid didn't see the color drain from my face then, and the shaking of my hands. I just nodded my head and excused myself to my room, where I cried the rest of the hours away.
I changed into a long-sleeved white shirt and, making sure no traces of tears - or blood - were on me, I retreated from the dark corner slowly. I made my way back to the satellite's main control room where Duo, and maybe even you, awaited me. My hands clenched at my sides as the thought of parting with you passed through my mind again.
I have to start being cold towards you now. It's the only way not to break your heart with the truth that I'm bound to someone else. I have to prepare you, and this is the only way. I have to do this. For my family and its name and honor, for everyone. The two of us cannot be so selfish as to make others suffer just for us to be together . . . I just hope my own heart doesn't give up.
*Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
And you fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty
and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
no no no*
"At least we have somewhere to go home to, right?" Duo asked, as the last of the flames that consumed what had once been our Gundams died out, leaving a charred grass field in front of us.
"You're right," I answered, an unusual thing for me to do seeing I'm always the silent one among us. I took a side-glance at you. You were silent, your eyes staring at the spot where your Sandrock stood a moment ago, like you were thinking of something.
Duo then started walking away, he said Hilde would be waiting for him at the L2 colony. You waved back at him, but still refused to meet my gaze.
I grabbed you by the shoulders and pushed you against a tree as soon as ex-pilot 02 was out of sight. You've been avoiding me ever since that incident at the hangar and now, you're looking up at me coldly.
"What are you doing?" you rasped in a harsh note, trying to break free but in vain since I was bigger and stronger than you. "Trowa let go of me. I have many things to do and think about."
I kept my hold on you and tried to find in your blues the cause of your odd behavior. I wasn't able to read anything, as you closed your eyes quickly, not allowing me to see. Giving up, I too closed my eyes and took the chance to cover your lips with mine.
For a moment there, I really thought my old angel was back, as you melted into the kiss and allowed my tongue into your mouth. Your own brushed soothingly against it, your hands locking at the back of my neck. Mine let go off your shoulders and I lowered my arms just enough so I could hold gently onto your thin waist.
The moment I did though, you pushed me away and I wasn't the least expecting it that it took me a few moments to realize what you have done. You were wearing a scowl, but you forgot to hide your eyes, and they told me you felt otherwise. I tried to reach for you again and managed to brush a strand of blonde hair back, before you sidestepped from between the tree and me and stood away.
"I have many things to do," you repeated in the same frigid tone that sends shivers up my spine, crossing your arms in front of your chest. "I need to . . . get out of here . . . leave."
"What is there to do?" I asked bewilderedly, confusion gracing my usually blank features. "Quatre, we have all the time in the world now. The war is over. Stay with me."
"No!" you shouted, starting to back away. "Trowa, we had 'more' time during the war. I'm Quatre Raberba Winner, the son of the late Master Hadrac Winner."
I didn't understand what you were talking about. Even if you were to give me an eternity then and there, I wouldn't have understood what's the connection, the logic behind it. That was how confused I was, confused and hurt from your words. Statements that indicated you were leaving me. But I didn't understand and it's that simple. "So what?" I didn't have to, you were going to explain it to me yourself.
"I am the new Master Winner," you said, your voice cracking and I caught a glimpse of your shaking hands before you hid them away. "I'm the sole male heir. I have to face who I really am, and the duties that comes with it."
"So what?" I repeated dumbly. I just can't comprehend what you're trying to tell me. Take pity on me, Quatre, just say it straight. If you're going to leave me, just tell me. You need not make excuses, or lie, I can see past them. For instance, so what if you're your family's heir? That won't affect the love I have for you, we can still be together . . . so stop following this tack because it won't work! Just tell me you're leaving me and end my life swiftly . . .
"Trowa, I -" you struggled for words, but it seems you can't say anything. The lameness of your excuse must have probably hit you, as tears formed in your eyes. Yes, maybe this will be hard on you too. But at least you know why you're leaving me . . .
"Tell me the reason!" I cried, almost pleading for you to do so. Tears streamed down from my emerald eyes that are often void of any emotions. I just can't believe you're leaving me like this, something must be wrong. Tell me, please.
"I have to leave!" And you ran away, without giving me anything to grasp on.
[Trowa, I can't! The fact that I'll be with someone else will destroy you! Just pretend this is really the way it is, that I'm leaving you . . . with no reason.]
*You come over unannounced
dressed up like you're somethin' else
where you are and where it's at you see
you're making me
laugh out when you strike your pose
take off all your preppy clothes
you know you're not fooling anyone
when you've become*
You left me with nothing.
I spent the rest of the day in that place, crying my heart out. The pain was just too strong, too intense that I even thought of killing myself as I held in my hands the old gun I used as an Oz soldier. But I couldn't. I know you love me still, but why do you have to leave me?
I lost track of the time, my tears just continued to fall on and on. It started raining, I didn't care, but the thought that I need to live on so you could have someone to return to someday gave me a reason to prolong my life. Standing up, I contemplated on where I'll go.
When I answered Duo earlier that I have a home to return to, I was thinking about you. I always thought we'd be together after the war. That is, if the war will ever end and if both of us are still alive to see peace. I've sworn to kill myself the moment you die and then join you wherever you go. Though I doubt it if I'll be allowed in heaven where you're going . . . now is the time I always thought of, dreamed of, but you're gone . . .
I decided to stay at the circus. Catherine would be there, she will somehow ease my pain. My sister can look out for me while the one I love above all is away . . . tears again pooled in my eyes . . . away . . .
I flew to the L3, having heard that that was where the circus troupe was currently staying. It felt good, being back in my home colony, but not as good as it would have felt with you. I walked towards the tent. There was Catherine at the entrance, smiling at me. I put an arm across her shoulders, the other holding my bag that was slung over my back, and led her inside.
Everyone welcomed me back. No one was surprised or daunted. Odd. The troupe has gone used to it, maybe even the animals have sensed it by now, the fact that I'm a soldier.
I leave and come back. Just vanishes without a trace and reappears after a few days, weeks, or months, who knows?
But it's been two years already since I have last walked out on them. I've been leading a life behind the doukeshi mask for two years now.
Two years since the last time I have piloted Heavyarms, two years since I have last fought . . . two years have passed without me catching a glimpse of you.
I stood up after making sure the lions had their fill and walked back towards my trailer. Catherine was inside, per usual when it's her spare time, and looked up at me when I entered. She was grinning, I wonder why?
"Why are you grinning? I asked in my quiet, serious way, taking the hand she was extending towards me and sitting down besides her.
"Because I know you'd like to see this," she replied, pointing at the television screen. "It's been ages since you have last seen him, maybe. When he came to take you away all those years back when you had amnesia, I never guessed he was Quatre Raberba Winner, the heir of the Winners."
I was checking if Catherine was hiding any daggers, she likes threatening me with them as a form of teasing, not that it ever worked. My head snapped up at her words, and I stared at the screen. You were sitting there, your usual polite, cheerful smile gracing your features, Relena and other people sitting around the table with you. My emerald eyes scanned them, and I decided they were pacifists. All of you are.
"You never mentioned him as Master Winner," Cathy continued accusingly. "Maybe you have, but I don't exactly recall . . ."
"I haven't," I answered, cutting her off. I felt her gaze on me as I walked towards my bed and lay down, turning away from her.
"Trowa, is something wrong?" she asked, turning off the TV and getting up. "What is it? Is it about Master Winner?"
"No, it's nothing, Cathy," I replied, still looking away. "Quatre's . . . never mind. Just . . . just leave me alone, please?" At these words, I felt her nod and leave.
What have you done to yourself? You try to look happy, at peace, and I guess you're fooling everyone. Everyone except me, the one person you can never deceive. That suit you're wearing and that smile, they don't fit you. I can feel your pain and it hurts so much. You try and live that life, but we both know that that isn't what you want. Why don't you just come back to me? You don't belong there.
It hurts, Quatre, it hurts. I long for you so much . . .
*Somebody else round everyone else
Watching your back, like you can't relax
Trying to be cool you look like a fool to me
Tell me*
"Say 'hello' for me to Zechs and Noin when you get back to the Sank Kingdom, will you?"
"Sure. It was nice seeing you again. Bye, Quatre," Relena answered, waving as she got into her pink car.
"Yeah. Be careful on your way to Earth, Relena. Farewell," I said, closing the door for her. With one last smile at me out of her window, the vehicle sped off towards the airport.
My house wasn't really that far from the meeting hall, so I decided to just walk to it. I'm finally alone. Unlike the rest of them, I didn't belong at that meeting. I've got my hands heavily bloodstained and had destroyed an entire colony without any remorse in the past. A pacifist, huh? Reckon the number of people theirr bodyguards have killed altogether and I'm pretty sure I've murdered more . . . I guess I can wipe this smile off my face now, the cameras are no longer focused on me.
When have I become such a fake? I barely lied in the past and the others tell me I'm sincere in everything I say or do but now . . . I've become spurious, a fraud. Funny. It seems I'm so good at deceiving people, even Relena doesn't notice, but I've never done it before in my life. That's because I never had to . . .
Spotting me, the guard fiddled around with some buttons and opened the brass gates. I walked in and made my way to the house, passing the scarlet Ferrari parked in front of it. I was going to use it to get to the meeting this morning, but opted not to at the last second. I have to remember to ask someone to drive it to the garage.
One of the servants opened the door for me from the inside, bowing a bit and smiling at me. I smiled back at her and started to make my way to my room when I heard her say something.
"Master Quatre, Master Heero just called. He said it was important and implores you to call him back."
"Thanks, Melody," I replied, flashing her another smile. Whether these smiles at home are feint or not is beyond me though. "Oh, and can you ask Matt to move the Ferrari to the garage for me?
"Sure," she answered brightly as I gave another nod and continued my way down the hall. Up the grand staircase, past corridors, rooms, chambers, and halls, I finally ended up in front of my room.
I went in, threw off my suit into the laundry bin and changed into a pair of jeans and a pale pink shirt. Strange. I still wear pink for some reason. Someone used to say I look good in pink . . . I shook my head. Memories of you came fleeting past and I don't want to distract myself now, I need to do something first.
I turned on the vid-phone and tried to contact 'Master Heero'. Static showed on the screen and Duo's pre-recorded voice on the Perfect Soldier's answering machine blared out of the hidden speakers. "Yo! God of Death here! Heero's out and killing someone or maybe he's just ignoring you per usual! ('Oh don't glare at me like that, Hee-chan!' he said to someone who must have been a very pissed Heero giving him 'the' look) Anyway, who's this and what's up?" I grinned and left a message to call me back.
I sighed and wearily walked over to the bed and lay down. With nothing to do now, I can think about you. No, that's not quite true. I have tons to do, sheaves and piles of paperwork are strewn all about my desk. Suggestions, demands, inquiries and reports stacked high on the floor. I sighed. I have so many things to do, but I can't work on them now, I can only think about you.
Trowa. I wonder what happened to you. You never once tried to contact me and even though I can feel your sadness, I cannot tell where you are. Oh Trowa! Where are you?! I need you now by my side! I'm so tired already . . . so tired . . . I can't take this anymore!
I shook my head and tried to rid of these thoughts, but can't.
Every night I scream these words in my mind, trying to get them through to you. My helpless pleads that you never seem to be able to hear . . . not that I'd like it if you could hear these pathetic cries. If you were able to, I'm sure you'd come rushing here, trying to comfort me, but you can't. You mustn't. And I have to bear this alone . . .
For if you do come here, I'll just yield to your touch and melt under your gaze. I'll fall for you again, not that I ever stopped loving you, and be lost in the beauty of your dark emerald eyes . . .
I can't!
I mustn't! I have someone else now that I'm destined to love . . . and everything depends on me! If I escape now . . . no, there's no running away from this. If I just walk out, everything my father, late Master Hadrac Winner, and all the other past 'Master Winners' have worked so hard for will be gone . . . to leave now would be a disgrace to the family, my sisters will be ill-thought off and so will be the rest of our children and their children . . . the companies will be destroyed and that can't be for many depend on it, my dear sisters, several foundations and movements towards absolute pacifism . . . I can't go, but . . .
I love you, Trowa.
*Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
and You fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into
honesty
promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
no no no*
I guess I fell asleep from exhaustion over the meeting. I don't know, I'm not sure, maybe. All I know is that I was woken up by the sound of the constant beeping of my private vid-phone. My mind was still hazy from sleep and I half-listened as my answering machine finally kicked in and answered the call.
"This is Quatre. I'm sorry but I'm doing something very important and am not able to entertain you. If you could leave a message for me, I'll get back at you as soon as I'm done here."
"Hey, Kat."
Duo's cheery voice 'really' woke me up. I threw off the sheets and stumbled out of the bed to look at the vid-screen showing a grinning Shinigami and Heero somewhere behind him.
"Can't believe you're working already - or worse - you're out of the house and at your job. You're tiring yourself to death, man. Aw, shit! Come on, Kat, answer the phone if you're there. 'Tis is important, you know?"
I decided not to answer and see for myself what's up. Duo tends to label anything and everything as 'important' or as an 'emergency' just to get our attention or get us all worked up. Most just ignore his antics, he's used to getting no response to his non-stop chatter anyway.
But then Heero pulled him back and stood in front of their vid-screen. I snapped to attention and my hand drifted towards the answer button on reflex. It hasn't reached it yet however, when Heero's cold voice rang throughout the room.
"Quatre, listen, it's Heero. This is not really important ('Heero, it is!' Duo persisted in the background) but I need your answer right away. Noin and Zechs are planning a surprise birthday party for Relena. We don't know where else to hold it except at your place since the princess (he said it with a bit of exasperation: prin'cess') practically knows every nook and cranny of the Sank Kingdom by now. They asked Duo and me to ask you. It'll be just 'us'. What do you think? Call us back, okay?"
The vid-phone went blank before I could push the button. I lowered my hand and walked back towards the bed slowly. I lied down, thinking vaguely of having a day off, my mind screaming in joy that the whole group will be reunited at this party, for sure.
But something was not right, and my subconscious insisted that I notice it . . .
If 'everyone' is going to be there then that means . . . you'll be there too, Trowa.
*Chill out whatcha yelling for?
Lay back, it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see*
Everyone was present, sitting around the living room, which seemed comfortable enough despite its exquisite furnishings and elegant design. Heero and Duo, Wufei and Sally, Noin and Zechs, Relena, Lady Une, even Marimea was there. I scanned the room and noted quite defiantly that someone's amiss.
Damn. Where are you?
"Trowa, glad you can come." Zechs greeted me, one of his hands loosely around Noin's waist, the other protectively around his sister's. I strode over to them, not bothering to let show on my face any emotion since they're used to it anyway.
"Of course," I answered shortly, extending a hand and giving Relena a gift. She smiled and jumped up to give me a friendly peck at the cheek. I sort of nodded my head and, with my face still void of feelings, turned to Duo who was sitting right next to them, on Heero's lap. "Uh, Duo, have you seen Kat?" It felt strange to say your nickname again. Even though I moan it practically every night in pain, this was the first time I've 'really' said it for two years.
Duo just raised his eyebrows at me like the answer would have been all but too obvious. I just stared back at him, trying hard not to loose patience and glare since the Perfect Soldier, his lover, was looking at us with rapt attention. He lifted one shoulder in a slight shrug. "He stayed with us for a while, but left about a half hour before your arrival. Working per usual. Upstairs, in his room."
I mumbled an almost inaudible 'thank you' and rushed for the stairs. My appearance and disappearance in the room didn't seem to mind any, and the former easy chatter continued, the fact is that it hasn't even stopped in the first place. I looked up and down the halls from where I stood at the landing, trying to remember where your room was. It finally retreated from the past, dark recesses of my mind and out where I can think of it. I was just about getting ready to dash again when I heard it.
A sob.
Did I hear what I think I just heard? It was exactly like the last time, when you were crying in Sandrock. Finally snapping out of it, I continued down the maze of a house you've got and stopped in front of your room. Yes, you were crying in there. I hesitated for a moment and leaned against the mahogany door. I closed my eyes and tried to think.
Would you shut me out like the last time? Hurt me and then leave me?
I don't care! I just want to hold you now, make you fine, and know what has been going on.
I entered your room.
*Somebody else round everyone else
You're watching your back, like you can't relax
You're trying to be cool, you look like a fool to me
Tell me*
I drank in the scene that lay before me. You were lying on your bed, curled up into a ball, your face buried on your pillows. My glance shifted to the side briefly, taking note of tons of papers there on your desk, and quickly shifted back to you. You don't seem to have heard me come in, or notice me standing there at all. The sobs shaking you . . .
I made my way quietly towards you. Sitting on your side, I gathered you in my arms in one swift move. I thought you'll pull away and scream, or something, like you did before, but you didn't. Instead, you lay your beautiful blonde head on my chest and held on tight.
"Hush. Quatre, what's the matter?" You're really starting to scare me. I may not be as 'sensitive' to others' feelings as you are, but I certainly am to yours. And what I feel is pain and fear.
"Trowa, I-" like the last time, you abruptly stopped. But unlike the last, I have you in my arms now. I'm not letting you slip away that easily.
"What, Kat, tell me? Why are you crying?" You tightened your grip on me and I stroked your beautiful white-gold mane. No need to be afraid. Tell me what's wrong. "Hush. Calm down, little one. You can tell me."
"I can't!" Your voice was as pained as if you were being tortured. My heart felt like being slowly torn apart. Gods, Kat don't this to us. You're hurting us both.
A teardrop. I finally broke down and cried. "Kat, tell me, please."
"Trowa, I love you."
"I love you too, Angel."
"But we shouldn't."
I was slightly taken aback by your statement. Something must really be disconcerted here. You never ever said that. Not in the whole time we've been together, because you've been happy. You've made 'me' happy.
"What are you saying? Why shouldn't we, Quatre? Why shouldn't we? You know very well that I-" My words were stopped as soft lips engulfed mine. Your dazzling blue eyes were staring straight at me, willing me to stop. I did and let myself be lost in the sweetness of that single kiss, your lips as delicious as I remember them.
You finally pulled away and I felt like I just had a couple of shots of wine. My world was spinning, but I held onto you still. I feel you snuggle closer into me, and then hear you sigh.
"Trowa, I miss you so much."
"As I to you. I know, Kat."
"We can't be together," you said and looked up at me again. Your eyes were filled with tears and they flowed down your cheeks at your next words. "I have to stay here, stay away from you."
"What?" My ears must be deceiving me, but one look at your face and I know it's true. "Why?"
"Because if I don't . . . if I don't then there would be no one left in charge in here. I'm the sole heir and I have to work," you explained, pointing at the desk across the room. "It's tiring. I'm so exhausted from everything already, Trowa . . . I just want to go away from here . . . " You started sobbing again.
"Then I'll take you. We can run away," I said, brushing my lips on your cheeks tenderly. "Quatre, come with me. You know you'll be happier with me. Let's go."
"No," you answered sharply, but tilted your head to the contact of my lips against your pale cheeks and closed your eyes. "If I don't work, our properties will go haywire and everyone who depends on our businesses will have nowhere to turn to. I'm tired but I just have to go on."
"So what does that have anything to do with us? We can still go on as before . . . or do you mean I distract you in your work?"
"No, you don't understand!" you screamed and started weakly hitting my chest with your balled-up fists. It didn't hurt a bit and I didn't try to stop you as tears continued to flow from both of our eyes. "I have to do this! I'm tired already and I'm hurting but I have to go on. Why did I have to be the heir of the Winners? . . . Why did I have to meet you and love you?!"
I caught both of your wrists in mid-punch at those words. I leaned down and kissed you gently on the lips. You stopped struggling after a while and I looked into your eyes. "What's the matter? Tell me 'why'. What's wrong?"
*Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
and you fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into
honesty
promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
no no no*
You asked me why. What should I say?
"Trowa . . ." I gave you a kiss more passionate than the one you gave me, before withdrawing my head and telling you. "Trowa, I'm bestrode to someone else. I'm going to marry someone I don't love. I'll be with one who is not you."
"Wha-what?" Understanding replaced the confusion that had masked your beautiful green eyes during the silence that followed and, surprisingly, your tears stopped. "Why? Kat, why?"
I felt like my heart being wrenched at the sound of your voice. I want to look away but you held my face gently in your hands and made me look straight at your eyes. I couldn't decide whether to speak or not, I'll moan out either in pleasure or in anguish the moment I open my mouth. So I kept it shut.
"Why?" You asked again. Now tracing my jaw line with a finger. It felt so good, the contact, the feel of your hands, to have you touching me again, the first time I've really been happy and relaxed in over two years. "Why?"
I tried to speak, but I felt that no words would come out. I shook my head free from your caressing hands and buried them against your chest, trying to muffle the moans and sobs. I managed to calm down after a while though, and looked up to see you gazing at me worriedly.
"Because . . . because I need a heir for all of this. You know that the only one who can inherit these properties is my son . . . and I need to have a 'real' son and raise him in a 'real' home, with a 'woman', my wife . . . aside from my son, the only one who can take over for me is the eldest son of my sister and that is if I die now . . ."
"But you can't die."
"Yes. It's either marriage or death. Leaving is not an option." At those words, it hit me. Why not just die? They can pull it off as an accident, no one will even think of saying I've committed suicide . . . I'd rather end my life than betray you . . . "Listen Trowa, you better go. I'll be down in a minute. I just need to check over a few documents." Before you can reply, I reached up and pulled your head down towards mine, kissing you savagely on the lips, longer this time, mesmerizing how warm they feel against mine.
"Alright, Kat." The last kiss seemed to have calmed us both and free your mind of suspicions over what I'm to do. "We haven't decided yet of what to do now, but I'm relieved you finally told me what's wrong. I'll wait for you downstairs." You gave me a brief kiss and left.
This is the only way out. I'll just have to kill myself. I'll wait for you in the place where I am going. This is how much I love you. I'd rather die than get married to some woman and spend the rest of my life without you. Good-bye, Trowa.
I cocked the gun and pulled the trigger. I smiled. This is it. I love you.
And everything went black.
*Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like your somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this you
You fall and you crawl and you break
and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty
promise me I'm never gonna find you fake this
no no no*
I don't think you realized I knew of your plan. I didn't try to stop you, I know I won't be able to, I can feel the determination in your heart. You'll just deny it and go through with it when I've left you alone anyway.
I closed the door shut as I went out, and leaned on it. Shuffling feet towards the direction of the desk, soon I heard your pistol go off. I barely took notice that the conversation downstairs suddenly hushed to silence as the sound of your death echoed in the house. I took my own gun and pressed its end against my temple. The last thing I was aware of before I pulled the trigger was 'everyone' coming into view.
A last glimpse of Heero, Duo, Wufei, Sally, Zechs, Relena, and Noin. I'll be there soon, Kat. Wait for me.
And everything went black.
~ End (finally!) ~