Grip
by ObliviousTrace, Tenebrus, and Downgrade
Summary: Tears leave a darker stain than blood. When the sun sets on a splintered heart, no one can pick up the pieces. (story much worse than the summary. Please r/r.)
(A/N: This is a real author's note. Remember that the rest are not. This is cross-posted with ObliviousTrace and Downgrade. As a trio, we stumbled upon some of the worst that the Harry Potter fanfiction, in all its stores and stores of titles, has to offer. We decided shortly after although Downgrade takes credit to amalgamate all these travesties of the written language into one delightful journey sure to inspire. And if you aren't inspired by the end of this, go fuck yourself. This is dedicated to those who can't spell "self" correctly; to those who think everyone in Hogwarts must be gay or by God it just isn't worth existing; to those who want to be in Harry Potter and be loved and cherished and then they'll ALL see!; this is dedicated to out of character; this is dedicated to my freshman year in high school because this, this was me. And I'm gonna bet that it was all of you too. This is dedicated to being human and to leaving our immortality on the cosmic equivalent of a bathroom stall. We are immortal, in these words. Think about that. Tenebrus)
Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me. They belong to the world.
Her name was Crystal Chiffon. Hair the color of shimmering samite flowed like a river of ice down her peerless back. Her eyes were a deeper black than her soul, but she usually wore contacts – golden, like the lies of love. Her measurements were 32-26-28 and she liked drinking pina coladas in the acidic rain of deceit. She was 17 when her parents died in a baking accident and she was sent to live with her crippled yet still sprightly aunt, Sterca, in a remote village in Scotland.
Two weeks later, as she washed her nubile body in a glinting stream, her attention was caught by a snow white barn owl winging its way overhead. How strange, she pondered. Usually owls don't wing overhead unless they are used as a metaphor. Soon, however, she could ponder no more.
It was the color of chestnuts that had been roasting over an open fire. The bear's eyes were filled with rage and the joy that only comes from the first of spring. Crystal backed up and tripped over her own dainty feet. She held out a porcelain hand.
"Wait, my forest friend. I am but a fragile young maiden conveniently placed to fall in love with young boys with names like Harry, Ron, or Draco. Do not harm me, I beseech you. Allow me to help you catch your fish with the magic that I am bound to randomly discover."
The bear stared at her as if it could understand what she was saying. It lumbered softly forward, sniffing, then nuzzling her outstretched hand.
'That's the way, forest friend." She smiled a dazzling smile that reminded one of moonlight, or roses after rain.
Then, in one deft move born of years of training, the bear (who coincidently hated being called forest anything and who had been molested by his Uncle Tim of the Forest at the age of three) tore out her jugular. The ruby blood was absorbed by the current.
Despite her throat being ripped out, Crystal managed a few last words to her forest enemy.
"Will no plot twist save me?"
It took her less than a minute to die.
About half an hour off, in the Hogwarts Castle, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, accompanied by their plucky friend Hermione (who had gotten super hot over the summer, dyed her now straight hair blonde, grown two cup sizes, and lost her virginity to a man named Lucas in the back of a Jetta) were commenting on the lack of transfer students from America this fall.
"You know, Harry, pal, I was thinking the other day as I was playing Quidditch, as I am wont to do, that I know no girls named Mary-Sue," remarked Ron.
"Indeed," said Harry, and proceeded to ogle Hermione's ass, for he had fallen spell to the charms of the bewitching witch. (A/N: Don't you love my puns! Tom Felton 4evah!)
Then all of a sudden, Draco Malfoy, who's rakish good looks had stolen the heart of many a Hogwarts girl, and quite a few boys (A/N: You know Neville's gay. I swear, one day that boy will sex up and then he and Harry will be such the cutest couple. Tom Felton 4evah!) appeared out of the gathering mist.
"Hey, little hottie, want to come back to my dungeon and play with my snake?" Draco smiled roguishly at Hermione, before suddenly realizing who she was. (A/N: OMFG! Tom Felton never answers my fanmail, but he's so freaking hot! I wish he would say that to me! Tom Felton 4evah!)
"Wow, Granger, you look like you grew two cup sizes, dyed your hair, and lost your virginity to my never before mentioned brother Lucas over the summer." He smiled at her before adding, "In the back of my father's Jetta."
Hermione merely giggled and Harry stared at her ass in disbelief.
"Leave us alone, Ferret," Ron said menacingly. (A/N: Cause you remember? Moody turned him into a ferret! I can't wait to see them do that in the movie. He'll still be totally hot. Tom Felton 4evah!)
"Fine, but I'll get Granger alone one day, and then we'll just see what happens." This won't be easy, he thought. "It won't be easy, but my Slytherin cunning and bad-boy demeanor will lure her into falling in love with me. Then we'll see who the ferret is!" He laughed and disappeared into the thickening mist.
The Golden Trio didn't like the sound of that.
"I don't like the sound of that," said Ron.
"I don't like the sound of your mom last night." Harry giggled manly. By now, he was as tall as a 6'2'' tree. He wore his black hair spiked and gelled, and his glasses had a sleek, sexy frame. Quidditch had done a lot of good for his body. He was one of the biggest studs at Hogwarts.
So was Ron. Ron slept with anything in a skirt, and he could get away with it because he was one sexy little dish. (A/N: Kristin, that's for you! I know you love him. Tom Felton 4evah!)
"Oh, man." Harry said.
"What is it," Hermione said, pressing her full bosom against his arm.
"I just remembered that Sirius died two years ago. Now I'm depressed."
"Gosh," Ron sighed. "I wish there was some way he could come back."
"Who knows?" Hermione giggled, pressing her full bosom against a nearby tree. "There is magic everywhere."
They all laughed.
"That's funny, cause, you see, we do magic."
"Yeah. Let's go get food."
"K." The royalty of Gryffindor walked back to the castle in the now near blinding mist.
Meanwhile, in a world that was neither living nor dead, but kinda like behind a curtain, Sirius Black shook himself awake and blinked slowly, twice. He had been asleep in this netherworld for two years, exactly the amount of time from when he died to when this Fic started.
"Excuse me…" he heard a voice that sounded like rainbells behind him. Turning around, he gapped in horror at her beauty, horrified that anyone could be that beautiful in this world that was neither living nor dead. He noticed that she had no jugular.
"Why are you, whose peerless throat has been mauled, in this land that is neither living nor dead? Wait, how did I know that?" Suddenly he knew everything about the world, including who would win the World Series, and exactly how good of a lay Ron actually was (but that was for other reasons).
"I was attacked viciously by my forest enemy who was once my forest friend. It was the ultimate betrayal."
"I too know that pain," he said, more to make conversation than anything else. Suddenly, a suspicious-looking crowd of people in white robes came toward them, their robes billowing endlessly despite the fact that there was no wind… or anything at all. "It's kind of like Snape," thought Sirius.
Remus Lupin, who was a werewolf, was sitting alone in his classroom, sighing dejectedly one morn. Though he was once again the DADA professor, and had many young admirers, including most of the Weasleys and one Middle-Aged Potions Master, none could fill him as Padfoot had years ago. (A/N: Did you catch the innuendo? OMFG I luv this pairing. Oh, Kristin, do you wanna go to the mall this Saturday? I'll get my mom to drive us. Call me. Tom Felton 4evah!)
"Who are you whose robes billow endlessly in this land that is neither living nor dead?" Sirius asked, tossing his rugged mane. Of hair. You know. Over his shoulder, narrowly hitting Crystal in her golden sunlit eyes. (A/N: I know, I know he knows everything, but he just doesn't know about them because… they can hide from his knowledge. Kristin, you stood me up this Saturday. WTF? Tom Felton 4evah!)
"We are the Chosen Ones."
"Chosen by whom, in this land that is neither living nor dead?"
"Stop saying that."
"Alright."
"We are the CHOSEN ONES, chosen by the Chosen Chooser, who has chosen us to choose people to give a choice to, to choose to pass on, to stay in this netherworld, or to go back into the world of the living."
Crystal's pretty face was a mask of pretty confusion.
"But in this world that is neither…"
"Stop it."
"But how can we choose to go back to the world that is living, and neither dead nor this land that is neither living nor dead?"
One of the choosing chosen Chosen Ones sighed heavily. "Shut the fuck up." (A/N: Sorry for the swearing! I know I rated it like, PG, or whatever that rating is now, but the mood called for it. Kristin, I got your message. It's okay, I understand, we all get sick sometimes. But next time, call me? I was waiting in the mall for three hours. But I saw Jon there, and I think he smiled at me. I'm gonna ask him to Homecoming. Do you think that's a good idea? Txt me. Tom Felton 4evah!)
"It's a tricky procedure. We've actually only tested it on hamsters. No wait, that was Richard Gere."
Sirius frowned in a doggish sort of way.
Crystal spoke up, her shimmering voice casting a melodic blanket around them. "I shall try. I am a powerful witch, even though I have never heard of the magical world before. I must go back and avenge myself on my forest enemy, before seducing most everyone in a five mile radius."
"Sure, good luck with that," said one of the Chosen Ones, eyeing Sirius' crotch.
"Hey, you're stealing all of the melodic blanket!" cried another one from the back.
"I shall, I shall!" In a burst of brilliant, mellifluous illumination, she was gone.
"Did you send her to the world of the living?" Sirius asked.
"No, we just banished her to the Land of Wind, Rain, and Wandering Ghosts." There was a euphonic clatter as two golden contacts fell to the ground. Sirius looked at them with fear imprinted on his rugged features. He sorta looked like Aragorn, only he showered. (A/N: Sorry, Kristin, I know you love Viggo, but Orlando is waaaayy hotter. Jon asked to borrow my pencil today. Do you think that's a good sign? Tom Felton 4evah!)
"Um, you know, actually, I…I think I'll stay here. It's kindda nice here in the land that is neither living nor…" He trailed off, looking into the bitter, bitter eyes of the Chosen Ones.
"What was that, Mr. Wandering Ghosts?"
"I mean…this place. Yeah. This place." He scuffed the ground with his toe. "So do I have to decide?"
"You mean choose."
"Isn't it the same thing?"
"You have no choice in this matter. Choose is the only word in which there may be no choice."
"Right…"
The Chosen Ones looked mildly bored. "You are trying our immense patience. Choose!"
"Okay, then I choose…"
They drew their breaths in anticipation. (A/N: Oooh, cliffie! Kristin, I can't wait for your sleepover tonight! Tom Felton 4evah!)
Hermione's breasts heaved like two fleshy, pulsating pillows. Ron stared in wonderment.
"Wow, Hermione," said Ron. "Over the summer, you seemed to have developed C-cup personality traits."
"We've been over this Ron," winked Hermione saucily, her brown eyes twinkling suggestively. "Now are we going to stop our sexually charged bickering or am I going to have to go over there and bicker you myself?" Ron's body had a brief fight over where his blood should end up, and the end result was his face turning as red as Crystal's shimmering life force. This made his eyes bloodshot and unappealing. "Gosh, Ron… your eyes just don't appeal to me. I'm going to go find Harry… where is that devilish stud?"
"He's making snow angels with Ginny."
"But there is no snow… there is only mist."
"Yes. The mist angels will be pointless and insubstantial, like their love."
She sighed. "Well, I'll just have to make do with you, you delicious weasel. Now come over here and kiss my living daylights out."
Ron merely stuttered and twitched some more. He seemed to be having erectile problems at that moment. It reminded Hermione of a windsock- a beautiful windsock, swaying in the tempests of love. She moaned deep in the back of her throat. She pressed her lips against his in a symphony of desire.
It was perfection. Explosions went off in her head and she wanted to seize from the unbridled pleasure of the touch. His tongue caressed hers, twirling and whirling in a Bavarian Dance of eroticism. She wanted nothing more than for this kiss to go on and on, to stay locked in his embrace until the seas ran dry and the sun imploded from its numerous emotions. (A/N: Kristin, does any of this sound familiar? We have to talk about what happened at the sleepover last night. Call me… Tom Felton 4evah!)
The Chosen Ones waited with baited breath.
"Well," one finally said, breaking the tension that had been building around them like a crescendo of lust. (A/N: Seriously Kristin, call me. Tom Felton 4evah!) "What do you choose?"
"Yaarrgh!" Sirius cried in despair, throwing his large, capable hands into the air. "I'm too indecisive!"
"Unchoosable, you mean."
Sirius glared machetes at him. "Fine. I choose to go back to the world of the living."
The Chosen Ones nodded with the knowledge of his choice. "Before you go, we must warn you. Avoid water or any water laden substances like dew, or fog, or mist for several days. Otherwise, your chemical components will break down due to an adverse reaction to the humidity." (A/N: Didn't that sound smart? I asked my science teacher for help with it. Speaking of science, Kristin, why did you switch lab partners? Are you mad at me? Tom Felton 4evah!)
Sirius agreed grimly and was gone before any of them could choose to prevent him. All that was left in his place were two quickly fading footprints and bittersweet memories like the corners of their minds.
"The mist angels are melting, Harry," Ginny said, her face fallen like Troy.
"It's all right, Ginevra." He took her hands between his two strong, firm, clammy ones. "Will you be my mist angel?"
"Oh, Harry." She breathed. "You already are." They're lips met. It was…completion. (A/N: Kristin, I'm so happy you said yes! Tom Felton 4evah!)
"Now, Geneva," he said, beaming down at her from above. "Let's play Quidditch."
"Oh, Harry," She exhaled. "I thought you'd never ask."
Santa Baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me.
"Slip me under your tree, Harry." She respirated.
I've been an awfully good girl.
"I've been…I mean, you've been an awfully good girl." His manly brow was wrinkled in confusion at the sudden lyrical twist.
Hurry down the chimney tonight.
"Hurry down my chimney tonight, Harry." Ginny said, a wicked grin dazzling across her impish features. Harry stared at her, his Firebolt tightly clenched in his firm grip. (A/N: See! This is where it all started! Kristin, I've been awfully good too. . Tom Felton 4evah!)
Sirius was traveling through blinding white, much like the bear was traveling through the grey mist in order to get to the castle yonder.
Draco prowled. His steel grey eyes surveyed the savannah/Great Hall. He throbbed roguishly as his eyes, gun metal gray, lit upon his prey. (A/N: Sigh Kristin, I think you should apologize for the fight last night. I do not send an inordinate amount of fan-mail. Two letters a day is not inordinate. Look, it really messed up our homecoming, and all I wanted was to have a good time. I didn't get queen, and then you yelled at me, and it's just…I love you, I do. Please, just say you're sorry. Tom Felton 4evah!)
Draco moved with cat-like grace, the way a mongoose stalks a cobra, (A/N: Teddy, that's for you! Tom Felton 4evah!) towards the Gryffindor table where his forbidden desire sat.
Hermione whirled around like a gazelle caught in the headlights of a Jetta. (A/N: It's a metaphor! See, cause the Jetta, with his brother…? Kristin, I'm not in love with Teddy. He's just a good friend. Besides, he's uber-fab. You know, fa la la la la la la? Tom Felton 4evah!)
"What do you want?" She exclaimed, pressing her ample bosom against her goblet of pumpkin juice.
The Slytherin Prince leered at the Gryffindor Princess. "I want…you." He smirked at his cleverness.
"But she's with Ron!" Neville, the Gryffindor Duke exclaimed.
The Prince's eyes grew dark, like a storm. "Which would you rather have, Granger, a Weasel?" He tossed his hair rakishly. "Or a Ferret?"
Her breath grew shallow and her chest heaved. Her eyes glazed with desire.
"Resist him, Hermione," Seamus, the Gryffindor Viscount, cried. "Aye, resist him, do." (A/N: He's Irish, you see. BTW, Kristin, sorry about my parents last night. If they had known you were Irish, they wouldn't have made all those comments. Can we just move past this? Tom Felton 4evah!)
Hermione bit her luscious bottom lip between her full teeth. In confusion, she pressed her voluptuous bosom against a passing owl. "I-I-" she began.
"He's not man enough for you, Mudblood. You know you need a real man. I'm a real man. But he's not."
"I dunno, maybe we can do something this summer…"
"Yeah, I can stay at your house!" His steel grey eyes lit up in delight. Hermione hesitated.
"But…my parents…"
"It's alright, just tell them that I'm gay." He paused and glared at the Creevey brothers, the Gryffindor peasants. "But I'm not."
"Maybe," she demurred. "Ron is a little…well…he's acceptable."
"See! I told you!" Draco yelled fervently.
"You're right!" Hermione said, rubbing his handsome face in her swelling cleavage. "Ron isn't enough! He's too freckly, and he smells of poor!"
"Um, 'Mione?" Ron said from beside her. "I'm right here. I've been here this entire conversation. In fact, you've been giving me a hand-job through it."
She glanced down at her hand. "Oh. So that's what that was."
"You've haven't stopped."
Draco frowned. "But, both of your hands are on my face!"
In trepidation, Ron looked to his left. His jaw dropped.
"Sorry, Great Wheezy, friend of Harry Potter. I is going back to the kitchens now. Please to be calling me."
They stared in shock at the retreating form. At the other table, Goyle burst into tears.
"God hates me!" he screamed.
"God loves us," Justin Fitch-Fletchey corrected serenely from the other side of the room. The entire hall went silent and stared at him until he hid himself under Dumbledore's hat. Dumbledore neglected to notice, but Snape took his dick out of something long enough to dock Hufflepuff thirty points for being a pansy. Then he continued. Daphne Greengrass smiled.
Back at the sight of the heaving bosom, Ron was still frozen in horror and Draco and Hermione were giving each other heated looks and hand jobs. Then Crabbe walked up to Draco.
"Hey, man, what's up?" Draco said. "Not my dick." He added. "Cause I'm not attracted to you at all. Cause you're a man. And I'm not into men. I'm not gay." He glanced around him, daring anyone to comment. "I'm not gay. Not gay," he murmured.
Snape looked up and stared at his ass in disbelief. Finally, Harry and Ginny walked into the hall, their love having faded away…like angels…in the mist. (A/N: Kristin, it just happens. People can stop loving each other. I don't think it'll ever work out. You're too afraid to go public, but you get jealous if I flirt. Maybe it's best if we just stay friends…Tom Felton 4evah!)
Sirius was panting in Lupin's office.
"Wow," Remus said. "I didn't expect you to come back that quickly."
Padfoot glanced around him in amazement. "Well, it's been so hard, Moony. Gosh, I didn't think I'd make through alive!"
Lupin frowned. "Wait, are we talking about the sex, or about you coming back from the dead?"
"Technically, it wasn't the dead. It was the land that was neither…"
"Okay, I got the picture when you screamed it along with my name." Moony smiled. "But that's in the past. Harry will be so glad to see you! Why don't we find him? After we take our traditional after-sex fog walk, of course."
Sirius tilted his head the side like a shaggy black dog is wont to do. "Um, I'm sure there was something I was supposed to remember, but the sex just blew everything right out of me."
There was a pause. Lupin began scrubbing at the sheets with his wand.
"Let's go, darling," he said, the sheets mildly cleaner. Hand in hand, they leapt out of the open window into the gathered mist.
"Shit," Sirius said before disintegrating.
Lupin was full of woe. He raped a house-elf in despair. (A/N: I know just how he feels, to have love ripped away. Kristin, I didn't mean it, please, please take me back! I can't survive with out you…Tom Felton 4evah.)
Ron was upset. Blaise Zabini noticed this, and walked towards him, a devilish plan forming in her brain.
"Hi, Weasley," he purred seductively.
"Um, hi, Zabini," Ron said confusedly. "What's up man?"
She tossed her long hair over her shoulder. "What do you mean, man? Who are you calling man?"
"Actually," Ron glanced around him. "I'm not sure. I could have sworn that you…"
"Sworn what, dude?" Zabini glared at Ron, his Slytherin features dark and suspicious.
"I don't…" Ron trailed off, looking at Blaise's seductive lips, full chest, curvy hips, and erect…
"Wait!" Ron screamed. "My brain is so confused!" He ran off shrieking.
Blaise watched him go. It smiled.
"Oh, Hermione," Ginny sighed as she plopped down into a comfy chair, like pudding. "You think I'll ever find the right guy? I mean, you've found two in the past hour. Surely it's possible."
"Why, Ginny!" Hermione exclaimed, looking up from Hair: A History. "What about Harry?"
Ginny's sigh was long, and mournful. "It just didn't work out. The mist angels were all that we had in common really. When they faded there was only awkward silences and great sex. Really great sex."
"But, what is more important than great sex?" Hermione asked, a quizzical look gracing her features.
"Well, love, and depth, and conversation."
Hermione's face was blank.
Ginny sighed for the third time. "I think it's time that I forget about boys. Not turn gay, or anything, but just stop thinking about fucking the next thing that moves and turning my focus on my studies. I want to do great things!" Her eyes lit up with the crazy light that lights up zealots. "I want to change the world! For the better! I know I can do it! I'm an army of one! It's time for me to be all that I can be!"
Hermione just stared. "Um, Gin, isn't that what ugly people say?"
Ginny looked at her as if she was a stranger. "But, 'Mione, didn't you used to want to change things? Liberate elves and pixies and the like?"
"Ahh, Ginny." Hermione smiled softly and shook her head, patting Ginny's knee. "In my heart, I know that your fairy tale ends the same way mine does." Her eyes grew large and soulless. Drool escaped her gaping mouth. "With marriage."
Terror filled the redhead's veins. She searched her mind for a change of subject. "Um…yes…wanna make out?"
"Okay!" Hermione enthusiastically launched herself at the younger girl. Between torrents of lustful thoughts, Ginny knew that she had to tell McGonagall. They had to help Hermione. (A/N: I saw you at the mall, Kristin. With Jon. You didn't see me, I was hiding behind the fat person at the pretzel stand. He just wants to use you and marry you and turn you into a 50's housewife. I know that you can do better, Kristin. I would never marry you like that bastard would. Tom Felton 4evah!)
Lupin was once again raping a house-elf, tears streaming down his face. The door to the kitchen swung open. Goyle stood there, stunned. The bouquet slipped from his numb fingers.
"You were my cup of tea!" He cried, his voice wrought with despair. He turned and ran.
"No! It is a mistake! I is still loving you!" But no one heard his cries, for Lupin had finished and was already heading down the hallway, mildly more cheered up.
Remus stopped. He sniffed. There was the scent of grease and highly aromatic potion ingredients.
"Severus?" he queried. The Potions Master emerged from the shadows and leaned nonchalantly against a door jamb in a way surely intended to seduce.
"Remus."
"How did you know I would be here, Sevvy?"
Snape's nostrils flared in distaste at the tactless nickname. "I heard the house-elf's cries. I saw Sirius disintegrate in the mist. I heard the bell toll. I knew you would be needing me."
Remus' bottom lip quivered. "He was mine for such a short time, Severus. He came back, like I knew he always would. But then…" He drew in a ragged breath. "The world was never meant for one as beautiful as him."
"I too know that pain," Snape said, more to make conversation than anything.
Remus burst into tears. "Sirius…always said…that…when he…felt…uncomfortable," he gasped between sobs.
"I-" Snape glanced around him for an exit. "I too know that pain?"
They waited for a plot device. It arrived in the form of Ron, shrieking past them.
"THE ANDROGYNY OF IT ALL!" He screamed, and was gone.
The mood was broken. Remus wiped off his tears and squared his shoulders. (A/N: I went over to Becca's house the other day. She said I lost weight. I guess there is one good thing that comes out of a break up. I'm…I'm ready to move on now. Tom Felton 4evah!)
"Wanna fuck?" Snape asked.
"Yeah, why not." Remus shrugged alluringly. They stalked off together.
Hermione's shoulders shook with the force of a thousand marital aids. Harry and Ron, entering though the portrait hole, exchanged numbers, then concerned glances.
"'Mione, what's wrong? Usually you're in complete control of your slef. What's happened?"
The slef hissed and went back into hiding.
"Oh," she sobbed gutturally. "It's so horrible. I can…barely tell you."
"What," Ron said, laying his hand on her full bosom comfortingly. Harry stared her ass sympathetically.
"I have a confession to make," Hermione said. "I couldn't tell you before, because I didn't want to make you concerned. But now the war's over, I think I can tell you." (A/N: Oh, yeah, btw, Voldemort was defeated by Harry and Remus and no one died and all was happy and Draco turned to side of the light. People can turn sides all the time. It happened in Star Wars. You think you know someone, and they just turn on you and stab you into the back and date your ex-crush who happens to be a boy and make 'dyke' comments and pretend they never once came when they really did, all over your pony bedspread. Tom Felton 4-evah!)
"Were you raped by Krum?"
"No, it's much worse!" She howled in despair.
They gasped in horrific anticipation. "Worse?"
"Yes! Much worse!"
"What happened?"
"I was raped by Krum!"
Harry and Ron looked at each other in quizzical confusion.
"Um, Mione, you know it's not rape if you were willing," Harry ventured.
"Yeah, and with that ass, you were probably asking for it," Ron remarked with a misogynistic grin.
"I was not asking! I was on my knees begging!" Hermione cried indignantly. "Yes please does not mean yes. God!"
Harry and Ron were quick to put their arms around her in…comfort. "Sorry, Mione, guess we just let our knowledge of you and the truth of the situation blind us. We didn't mean to suggest that you are a dirty ho who will do it with anything, including Umbridge."
Hermione gazed wistfully at the picture of Umbridge in her wallet. "Yes, that was a nice summer." She sighed. "Anyway, I'm sorry Ron, for cheating on you with Draco. And your sister. And my hairbrush."
Ron hesitated long enough for Harry to jump in and yell "I used that hairbrush! I knew that wasn't gel!"
Glaring at his friend, Ron turned back to Hermione. "I'm sorry for forgetting to unlock the handcuffs and unplug the blender. At least the scars don't show. Much."
They turned to Harry expectantly. "Um, I'm sorry for saving the Wizarding World."
"That wasn't you, it was Remus, who choked Voldemort out of grief!"
Harry shushed them. "Don't let anyone know!"
"They had pictures of it online!"
Harry shrugged. "Well, you win some, you lose some." There was an awkward and heated silence.
"You know," ventured Hermione, moving her hand on Ron's thigh in a motion that was both alluring and European. "I was thinking, Trio's do everything together, right?"
"Just like Abbott and Costello!" yelled Harry. Ron looked confused. Hermione looked angry.
"Yes, Harry, like Abbott and Costello. Anyway," she said, caressing Harry's thigh in a gesture that was vaguely Argentinean. "I thought that we should have a little 'trio time', you know, get…close...er."
Ron's mouth was gaping open like a squid. "Wow." He breathed, spraying ink. "Wow."
Harry just looked at the two of them. "So," he said, breaking the silence. "Is Friday good for you?"
Draco prowled. (A/N: I wonder why Tom hasn't called. I gave him my number and a phone card. Tom Felton 4evah!)
The next morning, Neville woke up to find a startling discovery.
"By God!" he said. "I've sexed up!"
Indeed, it was true. Neville was now one sexy package, like the Weasley twins combined, like Snape on his non-greasy days, like Lucius Malfoy on his power trips, like Sirius before he died. Twice.
"I need to go get me some," Neville cried. "Harry and I would make such the cutest couple. But as this is Friday, I'm not sure if he will be available."
"SMACK THE BLUDGER HARRY! SMACK IT!"
Neville nodded sagely, and left his dorm room to the sounds of "EARS! EARS!"
He strolled down the Hogwarts corridor, looking for a little action. Sadly, every time he thought he would get lucky, someone jumped in there first.
"Damn it!" He thumped his fist on his palm. "God hates me!"
"God loves us." Justin Fitch-Fletchy said. Neville stood agape, staring in confusion at the pale, religious form.
After a long, serene pause, he said, "Wanna make out?"
Justin smiled a beautifical smile. "Homosexuality is an abomination. I'll meet you in Greenhouse 4 in half an hour." He walked away, skipping every third step.
Neville watched him go, his eyes filling with tears of despairing joy.
Draco sauntered. He ambled. He strolled. He meandered. He moseyed. He promenaded roguishly, rakishly, and rake-like. Walking into Greenhouse 4, his eyes widened sexily at the sight in front of him.
"I'm not gay," he said, removing his shirt and stepping closer. "Totally into girls." He grabbed Justin roughly. "I'm not gay far from it," he said before capturing the Hufflepuff's mouth in a searing kiss.
"Please, sir, may I have another," Ginny said through gritted and gritty teeth.
"That's right, Weaslette," McGonagall said in lusty triumph. "Call me sir."
The spanking continued. Somewhere between the slaps and the insults, Ginny remembered the reason she was in her Professor's office in the first place. Wait, the second place. Though it was a pretty important priority. And she meant to do it when she walked in the door, but McGonagall was transforming from a cat, and she couldn't resist.
"Oh, Professor, I meant to tell you something. Urgh." She grunted.
McGonagall looked up from the straps questioningly. "What is it?"
"I think Hermione is in serious trouble. She's turned into a major bimbo, and she sleeps with everything that drives a Jetta."
"Well, in her defense, Jetta's are pretty sexy."
"But she slept with Umbridge."
"Yes, that was a nice summer."
Ginny climaxed in disgust. "AHHHHHH YES MORE but seriously, we need to help her."
McGonagall's tail twitched suggestively. "Must be that hair potion. We'll get Madam Pomfrey to reverse the effects. And speaking of reversing…"
Ginny gulped.
TEN DAYS LATER
"Wow, I'm glad I'm not a super bimbo idiot slut anymore," Hermione said, taking her mouth away.
Ron groaned. "Yes, you're intelligent, we know, please dear god."
Harry nodded sagaciously and stared at her ass in relief. "Thank Merlin you can now have conversations with the people you pick up."
Hermione removed her mouth once more. Ron screamed in frustration and snatched Harry to him. "But seriously boys, now I need to do something with my recovered brains, you know, like a cause or something else idealistic and mildly annoying, as I am wont to do."
"Mfff grhff mubble," Harry added astutely.
"True, true," Hermione and Ron said.
"I think I'm going to liberate the House Elves," Hermione said, referencing their past hi-jinks.
"Um, I think Lupin's got that under control." Ron grinned like a freckled…thing.
"Sexual enslavement isn't liberation, Ron!" Hermione cried indignantly, her former personality that had been warped due to hair dye re-emerging seeing has how they had reversed the effect.
"That's not what you said last night!"
"That's not what your mom said last night!" Harry added. Hermione and Ron just stared. He resumed his former activity, despite his tired and angsty jaw. (A/N: I teared up a little bit there. I get like that sometimes. Tom Felton 4-evah!)
The Chosen Chooser Choosing Ones were not happy about their choice.
"We chose badly."
"That was obviously a poor decision." The group whirled and chose to see…
A WISTFUL JAMES POTTER! (A/N: OMFG! Tom Felton 4-evah!)
"What are you doing here, looking so wistful, James?" asked a Chosen One who had chosen to be the spokeschosenperson.
James sighed. Wistfully. "My old friend…Padfoot, you know, from school, wasn't a Great Choice. The Mary-Sue would have fulfilled our purposes nicely," he said wistfully.
"Wait, what are our purposes?"
James looked at him incredulously with a wistful demeanor. "To find the Half-Blood Prince, of course." (A/N: OMG! July 16! I bet it's Tom Felton…4-evah!)
"I bet it's Tom Felton," said one of the Chosen Choosers, the Half-Blood Prince(?).
"No," James, the Half-Blood Prince (?), deterred. "Tom Felton isn't real. But maybe the Half-Blood Prince is."
Draco, the Half-Blood Prince (?), chewed on his bottom lip nervously. Bits of skin flaked onto his plate. Sweat drops rolled down his polished, ivory forehead. Crabbe and Goyle, The Half-Blood Princes (?), ate…ached…nearby. The Great Hall (the Chamber of Secrets?) was full of students who ate and chattered and were possibly the Half-Blood Prince. Draco knew it was now or never or maybe a little later. He stood onto the Slytherin table, the Half-Blood Prince's table (?), his muscular thighs flexing.
"Attention Ladies, Gentlemen, and…Half-Blood Princes. Any of you? Any? No? I'll ask later." He took a deep, gusty, lusty, busty, musty, dusty, rusty breath.
"I'm gay." He said.
There was silence. Then Harry, the Half-Blood Prince (?), stood up.
"By Merlin, I suddenly find that I'm gay too! Our sexual tension must explode!"
There were murmurings of Half-Blood Princeness throughout the hall. Then someone asked, "But Draco, Mr. Malfoy, how did you discover your homosexuality?"
A glistening tear slipped down Draco's pearly cheek. "I was ambling to Greenhouse Three when I saw the most sinful, soulful sight I had ever seen. There was beauty, in its rawest form. Neville and Justin, unclothed, reading ballads of passion and sorrow and exchanging heated glances. My heart trembled, but I found myself powerless against their forbidden appeal. I moved closer, stripping off my shirt. I grabbed Justin, feeling his marbled chest under my hands. I slid them over his skin, then massaged his lips with mine, tasting him, sampling his wares. My stomach felt nauseous with anticipation. Then Neville came up behind me. My heart spasmsed with desire. We were locked in an erotic embrace, a duel between passion and death As I came inside them, I clutched my left arm in ecstasy. Neville revived me minutes later, and rushed me to the hospital wing. But then, it was too late. I was…gay."
Seamus frowned. "So heart attacks make you gay?"
"Yes. They are powerful tools of persuasion."
Seamus suddenly gasped. "But, but I had a heart attack once! I'm…gay!"
"I'm gay too!" said Dean, the Half-Blood Prince (?).
Colin and Dennis agreed.
Draco and Harry rushed each other. Seamus grabbed Dean. Hermione, the Half-Blood Prince (?), jumped up.
"I've been screwing Ginny on the side! I love her! Before, I was sexually unfulfilled!"
"I was afraid to reveal my love," Lavender said. "But I've been sleeping with Pansy, and Parvati, and Padma, and every other minor female character that's never explored! I wait every night in pleasure-soaked anticipation of torrid lesbian lovemaking!"
Disco lights flashed and funky music began playing. Clothes began flying about.
"We're gay Half-Blood Princes (?)!" Shouted the students of Hogwarts, the school where Half-Blood Princes were numerous and vague.
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled merrily as he stroked Professor Flitwick. McGonagall began spanking Trelawney. Firenze looked at Hagrid appraisingly. The new DADA teacher, who must be there somewhere, did gay things with another male teacher, because all het urges had been wiped away.
Snape pressed his fingers together. "Yes, yes," he said. "Dance for me."
The orgy continued long into the night. Durmstrang came along. Beauxbatons was not invited. Chip the Cable Guy joined in.
Then Wormtail appeared to reconcile with Lupin. They were entwined upon the floor. Narcissa and Bellatrix and Andromeda formed a kinky threesome. Dobby tried to sneak out the back with the other house elves, but the mist blinded them and Lupin soon sniffed them out.
Goyle seized Dobby and took him to his love-nest, full of wedding gowns and broken pianos. "You lying Delilah!" he shouted as he carried him off.
Finally everyone collapsed in a sticky heap. There was sweaty silence.
The Half-Blood Prince got up and stretched. The Prince scratched his half-bloody ass. He brushed his half teeth with blood. He stolled Princely.
The Half-Blood Prince waited.
Harry woke up with a splitting headache. "What happened last night?"
He suddenly noticed he was in Godric's Hollow.
"Oh yeah," he reminisced. "Snape killed Dumbledore and I didn't return to Hogwarts. That was odd!" (A/N: OMFG! MAJOR SPOILER! Kristen, btw, call me. Something incredible has happened! Here's a clue: Tom Felton 4-evah!)
Hermione and Ron sat up groggily. "My god," Hermione said. "We destroyed those horcurxes in a pleasure filled haze."
"But wait," Ron said. "If Voldemort was defeated last year, we did we need to destroy the horcrixes?"
"Because they are vessels for evil." Harry said.
"Oh," said Ron. "But have we got them all?"
"Well, it turns out Nagini wasn't a horcurx actually. It was just a breath mint that she was guarding."
"But I ate that! I wanted to kiss Hermione!"
"That's so sweet," Hermione said. "You ate Voldemort's soul just for me!"
Ron began bashing his fist with his head.
"Oh my god Ron, is Voldemort in your fist?" The Trio minus Weasley exclaimed.
"What?" He looked up in pain. "No, this is fun."
"Well, where's the other horcruxe? Gryffindor's?"
"I don't know. But I know the Half-Blood Prince was good in the end, Remus was only using Tonks because she could morph into Sirius, and Hagrid was killed brutally." Harry said with a grim eye. (A/N: I totally bet that's what'll happen. Remus is so gay, Snape is so good. And, OMG, Kristen, Tom Felton called me!1one Tom Felton 4-evah!)
The Half-Blood Prince appeared. "Quick, Harry," the Prince said. "The other horcyx is approached fast! Get ready!"
"The last wHoresex! Oh my god!"
"No! Not the 'hocrux!"
The three ballsy teens pulled out their wands and waiting, hearing the rustling in the underbush. (A/N: Kristen, OMFG! Tom got my letters and wants to start a relationship! He'll be over tonight. We're going steady now. I hope I finish writing this in time. I told him about it, and he wants to make it into a movie! You'll be played by Demi Moore, Kristen. I wonder if Tom will play himself or Draco? Tom Felton 4-evah!)
They paused in fear. (A/N: Or both! Wouldn't that be weird! Tom Felton 4-evah!)
Harry looked at the Prince and vomited with rage. "Wait, I hate you! No I don't! But you killed Dumbledore! But my dad was an ass to you! But you raped my dad's ass! But my ass is virgin from you! But I'm so confused!"
The Prince shook his head. "Just pay attention. We're nearing the climax."
"That's what your mom said last night!" Harry chirruped in joy!
The Trio, standing together one last time, took a deep breath as the last horcrux unveiled itself.
"A bear?" They chorused together.
"A forest enemy, to be precise," the Prince said, before he was gallumped.
"Noooooo!" Hermione screamed as she too fell prey to the bear's talons.
"The pain! It hurts!" Shouted Ron as he was severed in two.
Then there was silence as Harry and the bear surveyed each other. The bear did not like Starbucks, while Harry was not terribly fond of Walmart. They stared intently.
"Somehow, deep down," Harry said. "I knew it would come to this. I think I always knew that at the end, it would be me and a bear."
The bear growled for twelve pages. Harry started to weep. The bear's words touched him in places, in places that made him sick.
"Yes," he sobbed. "I see now."
He moved to embrace the bear, but suddenly, in a sweep of wind, a burst of rain, a howl of a ghost, Crystal Chiffon appeared.
"Thou shall not pass!" She screamed, and ran towards the bear. She was eaten in a lesbian sort of way.
Harry looked at the bear, his eyes widening. It took him vaguely two minutes to die. All that was left of the greatest teen wizard in the world, were broked glasses, and a fading scar.
(A/N: OMG It's done! And I made it end with 'scar'! Kristen, Tom came over last night. We were in the hot tub for two hours. It was kindda disappointing…Daniel Radcliffe 4-evah!)
SCAR.
The End.