Disclaimer: Nashville is not mine

Authors note: This was meant to be a one shot – it's not.

Set after 01x02, and a complete twist on what could have happened in the car, and the consequences that could have had. Enjoy!

The Barricade of Secrets

Chapter 1:

"What are we gonna do now?" He asked, his voice was deep and almost gravely as he spoke. Heavily ladened with all of the emotions they had both tried so hard to keep at bay for so long. Emotions that had been securely locked - or at least they liked to think so - in a safe that had been hidden deep within their hearts. But the lock had managed to be broken by just one song, one old song that had transported them back to a time when things were so much different. When they were younger, they acted on how they felt and the secrets that filled the space between them were not there. As he spoke, his voice cracked a little, and even though she was purposefully not looking at him, she was well aware that his self control was breaking. The emotions were putting up a strong fight as they threatened to break though the walls.

"I don't know." She stated, in a voice which was as quiet as a whisper, but which her very own emotions had caused to turn husky. "I don't know Deacon." She spoke again, as her eyes wandered to look out of the passenger side window. Out there, in the city that had called her their queen for so long, and yet now whose faith in her was falling. It was dark; the sky above them had long since darkened to a midnight black, lightly dappled with the occasional star. Street lights were her spotlight now, shining down on the pavements that were where so many songs had been thought up over the years - and not just by her. Those lights reflected onto the glass of the window, meaning that she saw her own reflection. She saw the eyes that had once been bright with enthusiasm, but now seemed dulled by tiredness and wiriness. She saw a face looking back at her that in the last year had aged so much more than she ever thought that it would do. When Teddy had said he'd leave her if she had a face lift, she wanted to do it. Wanted to go under the knife and see if he really had the guts to do so. Without her he had nothing, no father in law to give him a job prospectus, no name among the media. But she wouldn't, and not because she didn't want to - truth be told the small spark that her marriage had once had had long since gone - but because of the girls. They were young, and she wouldn't give them the sort of childhood that she had had.

"There's what I want to do." She said; she wanted to take his hand, kiss him and tell him that everything she had written in that song twenty or so years ago was still true. "And then there's what I should do" Rayna added, because no matter what she wanted, kissing him would only cause another shed load of problems. She should leave, open the door and walk to her own car, then drive home to her husband who was waiting.

He turned his head to look at her when he was confident that he had gotten a hold of his emotions. Her fringe was pulled back from her face in one of those French plait things he had seen her do to Maddie a few times. The rest of her hair had soft natural waves in it. Looking at her she looked beautiful - there was no denying that - even when he had seen her at her very worse; hung over in some back street motel that was full of grime, even then she had looked beautiful. But now, there was something else that jumped out at him, more now than ever before, more now than in the last few years. She looked sad, tired, like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. And that hurt Deacon to see, especially the fact that the sparkle he had always loved so much in her eyes was gone. "Which one ya gonna pick Ray?" He asked her, his voice still rough with emotion, but now tamed just a little bit. Deacon Clayborne didn't know what was going on inside of his former writing partner's head - she'd always been a hard one to read - but as he looked at her now, he felt his heart break. Because realised, more than ever that the life she was living was not the one she wanted. And Juliette Barnes may be the tip of the iceberg, the final push that sends her on a downward spiral.

"I don't know anymore." Was her simple reply, as the auburn haired, Queen of Country, turned to look at her ex-lover. It wasn't the answer he was expecting - he was sure that she would have gotten out of the car and left by now. But instead, she was still sat there. Sure, she hadn't agreed to anything, they weren't making out on the back seat of his car like they had done once upon a time. But it was a start, it was a real start. "It's like; I'm the one trying to keep everybody else's lives happy, and together. Trying to make sure that everyone has a smile on their face and-" She swallowed hard, wiping away a stray tear from her cheek, the only one that has managed to break through the barriers. Rayna looked up to the roof the car, covered in a carpet like material, the same one that was on the rest of the interior. "And yet all this time I'm just stood here, being pulled like a rag doll in so many directions, and my heart - my life - is falling into tatters all around me. And I can't do a damn thing to stop it."

"Ray, you can do anything you put your mind to." He said, bravely reaching out and wiping another stray tear from her cheek with his rough thumb. Deacon's hand then cupped her face softly. Both of them knew what was coming next, slowly their faces inched closer together, until she could feel his breath on her lips. And that was when reality struck and she pulled away. Not harshly, not like she had been burnt by fire as he had expected, but softly, taking his hand and keeping it in hers. "I'm sorry, I-" he began, but she cut him off, shaking her head softly so that her long hair swayed ever so slightly from the movement.

"Don't be, it was me." She said, he didn't reply though, because something told him that she had something else to say, something she needed to say but was trying to get the confidence up to do so. Rayna's eyes were fixed on their hands, and when he tried to pull away she softly squeezed it, and looked at her face in shock. Confusion. She wouldn't kiss him but she'd hold hands with him? Rayna licked her dry lips, before taking a deep breath. "I want to kiss you Deac, god knows I always want to kiss you. And I would do, for once I know that I would do. But-"

"-Rayna." The guitar player interrupted, only to be interrupted by her.

"Let me say what I need to." Her eyes caught on to his, and he nodded. "That argument, you saying I wasn't there for you. We haven't had one like that in such a long time. We- me and you, we were the real thing Deacon. I've spent my whole marriage trying to pretend I love the man whose bed I sleep in and yet I've always know it was a lie. Always known that at the end of the day, he's too much like my father to be the love of my life."

"What are you saying Rayna?" He was confused, he was often confused around her, but for once she was being honest, and he was sure as hell going to make the most of that.

"My marriage, god knows it's falling apart, it will never survive Teddy running for mayor. He doesn't realise it but I do. And I realised something today, that I've been blind."

He squeezed her hand as he watched her speak, staring blankly off into the night as she poured out her heart to him for the first time in years. Deacon could hit himself as he listened, because whilst he had accused her of not being there for him, in reality he hadn't been there for her. She was slowly breaking whilst he'd wanted it all to be a one way street. "What's going on?" He asked, sensing that there was something serious going on.

"Would you let the woman who you are in a rocky marriage with, go on an intimate tour with her former lover. Whom you suspect that she still loves?" Rayna asked him, finally meeting her eyes as she asked the last part. "Hypothetically?"

"No." He answered honestly, because the reality was, who would?

"Teddy is."

"So he trusts you, that's good Ray." Deacon stated. Knowing very well that was not the case, but trying to make her feel better. However he knew what was coming, and his heart broke for her.

"When it comes to you Deac, Teddy doesn't trust me as far as he can throw me." Rayna answered bluntly. From the driver's seat he watched as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "He's having an affair - I should have guessed. There was perfume on his shirts, and phone calls, mood swings and then going for mayor. I mean, I thought the perfume was Tandy's, the phone calls were with my father and the mood swings were stress." Finally, she turned to look at him properly. Looking in those beautiful blue eyes she wondered how on earth she had ever left him. He was such a better man than he had been back then, but all of the bits that she loved about him were still there. The witty remarks, the talent, the way he knew just what to say . . .

"I answered his phone after an argument, but didn't check the caller ID, it was her."

"I'm so sorry Ray." He answered honestly, knowing that even though he had never liked Teddy Conrad, Rayna must have loved him a little bit in the first place to marry him. After hearing that, it all began to fit into place, the way she had been possessive over him, flirting almost, and the reflective remarks. He'd thought it was jealously over Juliette, but he realised now that he must be the only adult in her life that she could actually trust at the moment.

They sat in silence for a while, not talking as they listened to the wind blow outside. It was still dark; the bluebird was still alive, although most people were beginning to leave. However in the car it was like time had stopped and neither one of them cared, because this was the longest conversation they had had together in a very long time. She looked outside, thinking of her options, she could end her marriage with Teddy, and the girls would grow to accept it. But was it fair? Then again was it fair to make them live in a house where the atmosphere could be cut with a knife and their parents didn't care to talk to one another? Then there was Deacon.

The man whom was the unknowing father to her eldest child. And that was what was stopping her from kissing him. They had too much past to just start a relationship, and carry on in the way that they had done all those years ago. And yet, if she was honest, that was what she wanted. Rayna wanted things to go back to being how they has been all those years ago. The auburn haired woman was certain that if she had known that the last time in rehab would have worked, then she would never have married Teddy. She would have told Deacon he was a father and they'd be a family now. Or at least that was the way she saw it through rose tinted glasses - it probably would not have worked out that way.

Their hands were still intertwined as he turned to look at her in the darkness of the car. "What are ya gonna do now Ray?" He asked her. And as Rayna's eyes locked onto his, she knew that this was the end of her marriage. That and Teddy couldn't come back from this.

"Deal with Teddy." She said blankly. "Talk to the girls." Rayna added, before looking at him.

"What about me?" He asked her. And she smiled, in a bittersweet way, because she knew what was to come, and he didn't.

"Then, we're gonna talk. I still have feelings for you Deacon, but we can't get anywhere until we deal with all the secrets." She sighed, and looked down. "And then, maybe, if you can forgive me, then we can start over."

Deacon didn't know what secrets she had that he would have to forgive her for. Maybe that was where they had been going wrong for so long. There were so many secrets between them that neither one of them knew even existed. He watched her once more from his driver's seat before she left as she tried to get a hold of her emotions. As she put her walls back up again and prepared to go back to her life that was about to change. Rayna placed her hand on the door, about to leave. But then, instead she turned back and kissed him softly on the cheek. Her lips lingered on his stubble for a few moments longer than they would have done if he was just a friend. Both of their eyes flickered closed as the whole of their love story flashed back to them in memories.

Finally, she pulled herself away and opened the door. But their hands stayed intertwined for as long as possible. When the door was closed, and he was alone at last, he felt a mixture of emptiness and hope. His hand was empty, and he missed her presence, yet her perfume had softly diffused into the air of the car. The same perfume she had always worn, a mixture of flowers and fruit. It was one of the few things that reminded him of the old Rayna, the one who had been his writing partner all of those years ago. Because now, that carefree, playful woman was nearly all but gone. And he was slowly beginning to have his eyes opened to just how bad things had gotten in her life. Sighing for what felt like that hundredth time he let his head fall back onto the headrest of his seat. His eyes closed and for a moment he let himself imagine what was becoming a possibility - him, Rayna and her girls as a family.

If only there wasn't the barricade of secrets that they had to break through first.

Outside, she walked to her car in silence, not saying a word. The heels of her boots clip clopped ever so softly on the concrete car park flooring. The sound that was the icon of the city, or at least one of them. The cold air met her face as she went, causing her the breath in harshly due to the shock it caused to her system. And as she went, she battled the tears, and slowly, brick by brick she began to rebuild her walls that had been so cruelly knocked down into a pile of rubble when she had sung that song in the bluebird. By the time she reached her own car, she looked normal - or at least the way she ordinarily looked these days. Her eyes were still dull, her mouth set in the straight line. But she didn't look like she had been crying.

The leather seats of the SUV were cold, but refreshing. Her hand grasped around the steering wheel as all of a sudden reality came screaming down on top of her and she realised that this was the end of an era. That in the next month or so she was almost certainly going to lose almost everyone she had. She'd lose Teddy to the break up that was on the doorstep, lose Deacon and Maddie to the truth of her paternity, she'd lose what little respect she had from her father when she told them, and consequently she would lose her sister.

But surely it was better to lose them all to the truth, than keep them living lie?

Her hand slammed down hard on the swearing wheel, narrowly missing the horn which would have caused a whole lot more drama. And as she looked at her hand, reddened by the impact, she felt no pain. Instead she made a sound that was a mixture between a squeal and a sob, before covering her face with her hands and taking a deep breath. Slowly but surely, she began to take deep breath and try to get a hold of herself.

Ten minutes later, she pulled out of her parking space and left the car park. As she did so, noticing that Deacon was still sat there. Shaking her head she pushed all thoughts of him backwards. He was to be dealt with at a later date, for now she had to deal with her house. So she drove, losing herself in the winding streets that she knew like the back of her hand. And with every place that held a memory that she passed, she grew stronger. She began to feel like this was the right thing to do. Like what she was doing was what she was meant to do. So by the time she pulled up on her driveway, although she was terrified, she was also confident that she was doing to right thing.

Downstairs the house was silent. It was dark except for a light on in the kitchen, where she knew Teddy would be. Slipping off her boots as not to wake the girls, she gave them one last look before walking away. Teddy had made her promise not to wear them on their wedding day, and at the time she'd thought nothing of it. But now, she realised that had it of been Deacon she was marrying, he would have more likely than not, not cared what she was wearing. In fact he'd have preferred her to turn up in a pair of boots, one of his old flannel shirts and a pair of cut offs. But that was the difference between him and Teddy. Her husband was all about appearances, worrying what others thought of them - what her father thought of them. Whilst the man who had her heart cared more about what was inside. What they were feeling at the time rather than what others were thinking.

In her sock clad feet she walked through into the kitchen, and paced her handbag down on the working top before moving over to Teddy. She decided to give him on last chance; to throw her marriage away was not an easy thing to do after all. So she hugged him, and stiffly he hugged her back. However her eyes were open and it felt all wrong as she looked around the kitchen. "I love you." She whispered, even though it was not necessarily the truth. And that was when she knew that everything was true, that she had been right. Because he didn't reply, instead he just stayed silent. It wasn't because he didn't say how he felt - he said it more than he showed it.

Slowly Rayna pulled back, and looked at him as he stood there, her husband. The man who was standing arm in arm with her father - the man she had spent her whole life trying to be separated from - as he ran for mayor. Who was happy to screw over one of their friends at her daddy's say so. "We need to talk." She said softly. Watching in his eyes as he looked confused at what she was saying.

"Okay." He replied, as though he was willing to do it then and there whilst their children slept in the rooms above.

"Not now, tomorrow. Tandy takes the girls to school tomorrow, you can go in late and I don't have to be at rehearsals until 1100, so we'll talk before." And with that she began to head towards the stairs, ready to go and check that her daughters were safely asleep, before she herself turned into bed for a night that she knew would not be filled with sleep at all.

"What's going on Rayna?" He asked her, all of a sudden his voice taking on a worried tone, as he began to sift through all that he had said in the last few days - just in case he had let something slip without realising it at the time.

"Let's just say I know more than you think that that I do." She stated her voice void of emotion towards him, cold and verging on bitter. Then, when silence spread out between the, she began to walk up the stairs. Meanwhile, back in the kitchen Teddy was well aware now, that his wife knew what he had been doing. Sighing, he ran a tired hand through his hair. And walked over to one of the green chairs that were placed near to the window. Sitting down he pulled his phone out of his pocket and texted his mistress.

She knows xx

That was all he wrote. He got no reply, but as he sat there he knew that this was the day he had been dreading. When she found out the whole truth there would be no going back, his marriage would be over. And whilst he knew that it was on his own back, he felt a little guilty, that he had not been the one who was brave enough to do something about what they were going through. He'd accused her so many times over the years of having an affair with Deacon, and yet he knew in his heart that she had never cheated on him. All that time though, he had been cheating on her instead.

Upstairs Rayna walked into Daphne's room first of all, and kissed her blonde haired daughter softly on the head. She looked so much like Rayna's mother when she was asleep. The slightly pouted lips, the confidence, it all came from the little girls grandmother whom she would never get the chance to meet. And as she laid there, Rayna signed, Daphne may end up being the only person she has left in a couple of weeks. The country singer touched her daughter's hair with her hand before walking out of the room, and ever so quietly shutting the door.

Walking into Maddie's room, the mother had to smirk. The little girl - who was not so little any more - was currently asleep on her bed, surrounded by scraps of paper and notebooks. She'd obviously fallen asleep writing. It was something Rayna herself had done so many times when she was out on the road. So, as quietly as was possible, the country singer gathered up all of the paper and placed it on top of her bedside cabinet. She momentarily thought about looking at her daughters work, but then she realised that it was Maddie's heart being poured out onto paper, and that it would be an invasion of her privacy. So instead Rayna just looked down at her daughter and realised how much she had a look of Deacon to her. How he'd never seen it - she would never know, but then again he'd had a reason to suspect.

Once she'd kissed her eldest daughter, in the same fashion as she had done her youngest, she made her was across the landing and into the ostentatious master suit. Within twenty minutes the singer was curled up under the thick duvet in bed. Before she turned the light off her checked her phone, and smiled at the sight of a message off of Deacon.

You okay? If you need anything then just ask xx

She traced the two kissed at the end of the message ever so gently with her index finger, wishing silently that he was there to give her the two kisses instead. And although she knew that she was being stupid - after all everyone wrote kisses in text messages - they meant something to her. And she hoped that they had done to Deacon too when he had sent them.

Yeah, gonna sort it out in the morn when the girls have gone. Might be late for rehearsals though, sorry. And thanks.

She paused momentarily over the 'x' wondering how many items she should press it. But in the end she just tapped it twice and hit send. It was how many he had given her after all. Placing her phone back down she closed leant over and hit the switch to turn out her bedside light. And as soon as the room had been plunged into darkness, her phone lit up again. But she didn't bother to turn on the light; instead she just read the message and let a small smile make its way over her face.

Its fine, I'm gonna teach the band Postcard from Mexico anyway. I'll see you tomorrow, good luck xxx

She traced the three kisses once again, and placed the phone back down again. She closed her eyes, and got ready to send the night alone - she was well aware Teddy would not joining her in bed that night. His charade had been blown; he wasn't going to risk it being blown again. Rayna lay awake; no matter how hard she tried to relax she couldn't - not when her stomach was churning away with nerves. So she turned on her light, and pulled out the worn leather bound notepad that resided there. Blindly she dug out a pen, and set about writing, after all, the best songs were written at the worst of times.

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