If you're reading this
A/N : Hi everyone ! Here's my first Rizzles fanfic (and my first Rizzoli & Isles fic ever), so I'm a bit nervous about posting it... Anyway, I hope you'll like it. Reviews are very appreciated, as well as criticism. Just let me know what you think of it... Another thing, I don't wish this ever has to happen : I like these two women way too much !
Disclaimer : Sadly, Rizzoli & Isles is not mine. All credit goes to Tess Geritsen, Janet Tamaro and TNT... except for my little addition, Anna (and any spelling/grammar mistake I may do... I appologize in advance for it, I'm not a native speaker).
I surely never believed I'd sit there someday. Dear God, if someone had ever told me that one day I'd sit in the back of a police mini-van, all geared up, with this piece of paper on my knees and this pen in my hand... I'd never thought the day would come when, right before bolting out to get a suspect, I'd actually stop to write this. A farewell note.
If you're reading this,
My Mama's sitting there ;
Looks like I only got a one way ticket over here.
It's hard to get started. I can't think of anyone else but her. My Maura. She's the one I'm writing to. I can so easily picture her, holding this paper. She'll be broken, literally broken. And Ma, she'll surely be sitting next to her, not leaving her alone at a time like this. I wish I could be next to her right now, and every day. I... I can't even put words on what I feel for her. It's magical. I never thought I could love someone so much. Why am I even thinking I could not make it back ? It's weird, it's never happened to me before. 'You're getting soft, Rizzoli" a tiny voice whispers in the back of my mind. I shrug as my pen is literally sliding on the paper as I'm trying to write my thoughts down before the beginning of the intervention.
I sure wish I could give you one more kiss ;
If war was just a game we'd play it when we were kids.
Well I'm laying down my gun,
I'm hanging up my boots,
I'm up here with God and we're both watching over you.
Maura... Your image is floating in my mind permanently. I wish so hard I could be with you right now. I'm scared, you know, even if I never show it. Especially to you. I'm the one supposed to protect you, to shelter you from the hurt. And right now I feel as if I'm the one about to hurt you. I hope you'll find it somewhere to forgive me, Maur'. You're always telling me that this job is a part of me, a part of me that scares you sometimes but that makes me who I am. But right now, this part of me could be... well, parting us forever. God, I so want to kiss you right now. I wish things were easier, Maur', that murderers would just put an end to all this madness, and I could be with you the whole time. Every second of every day. Well, if I don't make it back home, that's still pretty much what I'll be doing : I know you don't really believe in God, but I somehow like to think I'll be somewhere up there, checking up on you the whole time. This way, I would never have to leave you.
So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town,
And know my soul
Is where my Mama always prayed that it would go.
If you're reading this,
I'm already home.
When we got married, we said we'd be together "till death do us part". I remember how we joked about it, at the reception and on our honeymoon. Somehow, joking about it made it seem unreal : it was as if, as long as we laughed about it, I wouldn't die in the line of duty. I guess we were wrong. When we started dating, you asked me if I really was on board. If I wanted a real relationship. I said I was, and we agreed it meant me never doing something stupid enough to get me killed. I'm so sorry, babe. You begged me to stay home with you today. I didn't listen. You said we needed to take a few days off, just you and me, before our lives got even more hectic. I didn't listen. Oh, baby, I'm sorry. I should've known you were right. You're always right. I can still remember that day, right after we got married, when we had the talk. The one about what we'd do if one of us didn't make it home. We shared what kind of funeral we wanted, we talked for hours. It seemed so... surreal back then. I guess things change.
If you're reading this,
Half way around the world,
I won't be there to see the birth of our little girl.
I don't wanna die. For the very first time, it actually scares me. I want to stay with you, I don't wanna miss a thing. Damn it, we're just two weeks away from being parents! In a few days, we'll finally be Mama and Mommy to someone. It's been hard, but we made it, Maur'. We made it. I know you're so impatient to meet our little girl, and I can't wait either. These past nine months have been incredible, thanks to you. Everyone kept saying pregnant women got crazy and moody, but you didn't. You had mood swings, okay, but it wasn't that bad. You were the best. I wanna see our girl, Maura. You told me you couldn't do it on your own, you feared you wouldn't be good enough, but Maura, I know you'll be the best mother in the world. First of all, you won't get yourself killed. Trust me, that's a good start.
I hope she looks like you.
I hope she fights like me,
And stands up for the innocent and the weak.
Well I'm laying down my gun,
I'm hanging up my boots,
Tell Dad I don't regret that I followed in his shoes.
I can't help but think about our baby and you, about how we argued over baby names, nursery colors and stroller brands. About who she'd be more like. I keep hoping she'll be like you, with your good looks and your genius genes. You always say genetics aren't responsible for everything, but I hope she'll pick everything from you. I wish she'll be brave, and shelter you from pain. I hope she'll fight injustice and crappy situations, that she'll be determined and strong. I want her to be like the two of us, but I most of all want her to be happy all along. When I was a kid, my dad always told me to live the way I wanted others to live. That's why I became a cop, and why I found the courage to tell you how much I loved you and to start a family with you. Even if it might tear us apart today, I'll never regret any of it. Never. Without this job, I wouldn't have met you, and you gave me the best memories of all. Without our job, the world would be less safe for our little princess and for you. And that's all that matters.
So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town,
And know my soul
Is where my Mama always prayed that it would go.
If you're reading this,
I'm already home.
I've never believed in these "I'm gonna die soon" feelings, you know it, but today... I feel like I'll never see you again, like I'll never hear you laugh again. Maura, I just want you to know, if something happens to me today, that I love you and Baby with all my heart. You're the most important people to me, and the only joy I'll have when I leave is to know you're both safe and that you're not alone. You'll never be alone, Maur'.
If you're reading this,
There's gonna come a day
When you move on and find someone else, and that's okay.
Years had gone by but, still, when Maura Isles woke up that September morning, she felt a large lump in her throat. She hardly sat up and fought the tears as she stared at the cold, empty side of the bed. She reached for the piece of paper on the nightstand, right next to a picture of Jane and her, back when she was pregnant. She softly stroke the paper with her finger, reading once again the all too familiar words. She just stayed there, in the rather dark and quiet room, for very long minutes. Suddenly, the door banged open, causing her to jump. She however smiled when she saw a small blond tornado run into the room and jump on the bed. Maura promptly put the paper down and opened her arms for the tiny girl to come closer. The child rested her head against her mother's chest, and simply murmured "I love you, Mommy". "I love you too, baby" was all Maura managed to answer, fighting back the tears. She couldn't believe five years had already gone by. Five years since Jane had died. She remembered how she had waited, up in the squad room, for the team to come back. She had waited for hours, before Korsak, Frost and Frankie had finally showed up. As she was about to ask where Jane was, she had noticed Angela standing behind them, red-eyed, as if she had cried. That's when she had known something was off. Korsak had stepped up, and he had taken her hands in his as he broke the news. Jane wouldn't come back. Maura had almost collapsed, and she had burst out in incontrollable tears. The note they retrieved from Jane's hand only made her cry harder. Still today, the memory was all too vivid in her mind. Angela had been there for her, just like everyone from BPD or Jane's family. They had all told her it was okay, that she had to move on, at the very least for her daughter. But Maura just couldn't. She had gone out to dinner, a couple times, on "dates". None had gone very far. She wasn't ready, not yet.
Just remember this : I'm in a better place,
Where soldiers live in peace and angels sing "Amazing Grace".
Maura was supposed to go to work, and her daughter had to started kindergarten a few weeks ago -another stab in Maura's heart : Jane wasn't there when she dropped their baby off - but she felt it was too much for her. So she called in sick instead, for both her little girl and herself. They'd just enjoy a quiet day at home, just the two of them. Maybe they'd talk a bit about Mama. Their daughter was so proud of her mothers, and she always asked about her Mama - how she was, what she liked, whether she would have loved her - and these were the only moments when Maura could talk about Jane without feeling pain. Mother and daughter made their way downstairs, to the kitchen. As Maura was fixing breakfast, her child's voice suddenly rose, and she heard her ask "Mommy? Do you think Mama is happy where she is?". Maura froze for a moment, but when she turned around to face her daughter, she smiled. She knelt down to the little girl's height and caressed her cheek. "I'm sure she is, angel. But I'm sure she misses you a lot, Anna". She felt her heart a little lighter as Anna nodded, and she herself had a small smile. She was the only one allowed to call the little girl by her first name; she otherwise insisted to be called AJ, to everyone's amusement. AJ, standing for Anna Jane.
So lay me down
In that open field out on the edge of town,
And know my soul
Is where my Mama always prayed that it would go.
If you're reading this,
If you're reading this,
I'm already home.
Maura parked the car and helped Anna out of her car seat. She took her hand as they walked quietly. After a few minutes, Anna ran off happily, and stopped a few feet away, waiting for her Mommy. The wind blew in her hair, and she giggled lightly. Maura walked up to her and picked her up in her arms. She breathed in her baby's smell and softly placed a kiss on her forehead, enjoying every second with her daughter in her arms. The landscape was beautiful, and the sun was shining, warming up the newly arrived chill. Anna put her arms around her mother's neck, hugging her tight. "Do you think Mama will like my drawing?". Her voice is just a whisper, tickling her mother's ear. Maura gives her a squeeze as she starts to walk again, focused on the path they follow between the graves. "Yes, baby. I'm sure she'll love it very much" she murmurs softly, as her eyes lay on the simple gravestone further away. "She'll love it as much as she loves us".