AN: Hi! This is a parody inspired by citygirl1116's Harry Potter parody called "When FanFiction Character's Attack". It's basically what would happen if Bella stayed normal, and the Cullens all of the sudden got the personalities that SO many authors give them on this site. Enjoy!
It all started with a piece of dirt as the Cullen's were enjoying a nice relaxing afternoon in their living room because they have nothing better to do besides sit around and talk amongst themselves despite the fact that some of them are on three hit lists coughcoughBella.
"GASP! Bella?!" Edward gasped.
"What?! Is the Volturi here? What happened?!" Bella panicked.
"HOW did you get that DIRT on your shoe?"
"Erm… walking?" was her confused response.
"How dare that piece of dirt violate your shoe? It could bring you great harm! Do you have ANY idea how much bacteria lives in a piece of dirt?! MILLIONS! And why were you walking anyway?! How many times do I have to tell you that walking is to dangerous for your fragile being!?" He ranted.
"Edward calm down! It's just dirt." Bella said in an attempt to placate him.
"Dirt?! What dirt? Did it get on my Volvo? Not my poor lovely Sally!" Edward cried.
"Sally?! Who is Sally?" Bella exclaimed angrily.
"My Volvo of course, the most beautiful wondrous thing that has ever ... ehhh driven this earth. Did someone say Volvo? Must check on Sally", Edward said wistfully rushing off while pausing to quickly play a concerto on his other love, the piano.
"BELLA!! I AM SUPER HYPER AND SPASTIC AND APPARENTLY I'M A PIXY. SO NOT ONLY AM I A VAMPIRE BUT THAT TOO! I'M TWO MYTHICAL CREATURES IN ONE", Alice screamed, because apparently in these fanfics Alice ALWAYS screams when she talks to Bella.
"Jeez Alice calm down. What's with you guys today?" Bella asked becoming concerned.
"NOTHINGS WRONG SILLY WONDERFUL BELLA! LET'S GO SHOPPING! GASP DID SOMEONE SAY SHOPPING! SHOPPING SHOPPING SHOPPING! OH AND BY THE WAY BELLA I LOVE YOU"
"Yes Alice, I love you too, but quite frankly you're scaring me."
"GASP you love Alice?! What about me Bella I though we had a connection, something special! Fine don't love me .:pouts:. I know! Let's get you high, wasted, arrested and turned into a prostitute all in ONE night! Or we can call the Volturi because I LOVE doing completely idiotic things that puts my family in danger!" Emmett cried running in the room with a bottle of cheese wiz(Because Emmett apparently loves Cheese Wiz .;rolls eyes;.)
"Emmett? What the HELL is going on with you guys today I mean get a grip!" Bella yelled exasperatedly.
"HELL?! Who said Hell! Don't destroy your chances even more! Who am I kidding we're all going to Hell ALL OF US!", Edward yelled running in from his love session with his Sally in the garage.
"Oh. My. God", Bella says feeling slightly faint.
"Edward! You've tracked mud through my spotless living room!" Esme said running into the room with a steaming frying pan that everyone looked suspiciously at.
"I don't care. I'm busy brooding about my suckish life so shut up", Edward said from his emo corner.
"GASP! Edward! How could you?! Now you must all eat my delicious food despite the fact that we're all vampires except for Bella", Esme said, still bright and cheery as per usual.
When they refused she proceeded to literally shove her pancakes down Alice's throat.
"I'm home!" Carlisle said as he walked through the front door. He stood next to a thoroughly freaked out Bella and chuckled as he took in the scene around him.
Emmett was spraying cheese wiz on the ceiling while on the phone with Aro, Rosalie was looking at herself in the mirror singing 'I LOVE ME I LOVE MYSELF I AM SO BEAUTIFUL I HATE BELLA I WISH SHE DROWNED THAT DAY ." At the top of her lungs, Edward was screaming about Hell in his corner, Jasper was standing on the coffee table spewing Shakespeare because he is always so scholarly in these fics, Esme was shoving food down a bouncing Alice's throat and Jake was humping the wall, just to give him something to keep him busy.
With widened eyes Bella turned to Carlisle, "What's wrong with them?"
"This Bella is what happens when horrible fan fiction authors get free reign", Carlisle responded.
"Ohhh", she said nodding and completely understanding.
AN 2: If people like I'll do another with the lunch room crowd (Mike, Jess, ect.)